Shetland Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Hey guys, I'll try to keep this concise My gf and I are both 22 and seniors in college. Last month, she broke up with me while she was studying abroad. This totally came out of nowhere and even her closest friends were surprised she made this move. Even a couple of days before that she was telling me she missed me and such. The reason she wanted to break up with me was to "figure things out" for herself. She doesn't know what she wants do with as a career when she graduates college and she says she's going through an identity crisis. To her, being in a relationship is stressful and was a lot of work and pressure. Apparently it has nothing to do with me at all or how I acted, but simply that the principle of a relationship is stressful. She's been in relationships since her freshman year of high school and never had a full year to herself of being single. Before we got together, she was a little unsure because she said she wanted to be single. However, she was the one chasing me and never mentioned any desire to be single once the relationship started. Everything was good and we barely fought. We hung out a lot and she would always talk about a future with me. She was really happy with me and her friends told me that the way she felt about me was different from her past relationships. She even spoke to her friends about marriage with me. I always took this with a grain of salt, but I figured we'd be at least together for more than a years. I am now her shortest relationship, whereas most of her relationships lasted more than a year at least. Then, when she broke up with me abroad, she told me she'd been thinking about it for about a month and then just stops communicating with me and acts real cold. I see that she's been drinking a lot abroad and now that she's back, she going out a lot too which wasn't what she used to do before. I never pressured her to hang out with me or to avoid being with her friends. I've done my best to support the choices she makes all the time. Her friends tell me that it's nothing to do with me and its more of what she's going through. My ex now says that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore not because she's not interested or attracted, but the pressure of a relationship made her lose feelings for me. A lot of her arguments just don't make sense and I feel she might be hiding truths from me to protect me. She says there's nobody else and I trust that since it follows with her desire to be single. Anyways, I was wondering if anybody went through something similar she is going through and to shed some light. I'm not sure how she cited the relationship as the breaking point and seemed to discount me from any involvement of what happened. She seems to see a relationship as some sort of contract and doesn't understand that I'm willing to make changes so that everything can workout for the both of us. I barely got a chance to fight for us and she's seems totally okay without me now. Is this G.I.G.S? or some weird hybrid of a bunch of things. Let me know if you guys need more details.
italiangirl03 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I skimmed through your forum quickly.. I would say to just avoid all contact with her and don't contact her at all. Make her miss you. It's hard and I am going through the same thing now but it has to be done. 2
Author Shetland Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 We left on good terms but i have to admit i got a bit teary towards the end. She's a girl with a lot of pride so i doubt we will ever get back. Honestly, it's just been hard to deal with all this so suddenly, she meant the world to me. I've been getting anxiety attacks and I just feel so terribly lonely at times. I'm not really looking for answers, I just want to hear some thoughts. Makes me feel better as I haven't really discussed this with a lot of people.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 She's a girl with a lot of pride so i doubt we will ever get back. Well don't forget you have pride too and don't let anyone use if for their own gratification. If it's me, I stop contact and move on especially if you know that all it's going to do is take you to a dead end 1
Norajess Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think it is GIGS. Im in a very similar situation my ex broke up with me when he's abroad too and now dating other girls. I guess at this age they just want to have fun and explore? I suggest you leave her alone and focus on yourself for now. It may take sometime(months or even a year) for them to realize what they want and how good was your relationship. Force yourself to not check on her because you won't feel good. Just think of everyone who's in the same situation as well, I have days where I hate my ex to the core for doing this to me. But if you know you've done the best in the r/s, then it's really their loss keep telling yourself that you're good enough!
questionsforthenouns Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You know, your situation is eerily similar to mine. My ex was not abroad however. She had never really been single since freshman year of high school, expressed doubts in the beginning that she wanted to commit to a relationship but I wasn't worried because she was the one chasing me for the most part, then she ended the relationship 10 months later in order to "find herself" and "become a better person" and whatnot. There were a lot of complications along the way, and we went through a lot, but after all we had been through I was still there for her and she decided to end it. And honestly, I know this sucks to hear, but I believe that both our ex's just have GIGS and want to be free and single. They may not necessarily have been seeing anybody, but they have other people in mind and they want to explore options. It ****ing sucks, I know. And who knows what is really in their heads. But GIGS is a pretty classic breakup scenario. Looks like you and I just have to stick to NC. Best of luck buddy
Elle1975 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 When she told you that she had been thinking about breaking up with you for a while, believe her. She probably went abroad, and being the foreign girl, got hit on a lot. That just put a nail in the coffin. This isn't grass is greener, it's just over. Not all relationships are successful. 2
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 the pressure of a relationship made her lose feelings for me Bull****. I'm betting she has no idea why she lost her feelings for you, and if you think about it carefully, you'll see it doesn't matter anyway. Does it really matter if it is because of being in a relationship, or because she met somebody or because you don't smell like flowers? In the end, she doesn't feel the same as she used to, and she's out. That is what matters. The rest is just stuff that can occupy your thoughts. Anyway, you need to be prepared to see her in another relationship sooner than you'd like, and contrary to her stated reasons. 1
fromheart Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 She's probably hooking it up in the nightclubs dude. Thats what young, single girls going out drinking while abroad normally leads up to. Sorry ladies, but you know its true. Us men do it as well. You're in the fire zone man, get yourself out of there pronto. First and foremost, what can you do right now to make yourself a better stronger person? Do it. Secondly, do not contact her or reach out to her. If she reaches out to you, tell her lovers or nothing and you're not interested in friendship. You'll get her respect back if nothing else, and take back control of your life. Because right now you're dancing to someone elses tune.
Rainoflight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 This looks like my situation, check my thread, brother. All i can say is that distance changes people a lot. When they are alone, i think they consider the LDR just a stress beside all of it. Everything changed for her and she decided to let go of what she had. Same situation. You need to go NC and make her miss you. This does not mean that you can get back together or she is cheating, it”s just better for you.
Author Shetland Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thanks for the talk guys. All this is really hard and just makes it tough for me to trust someone again. I just can't believe someone would end it all along with all the memories. It's like a part of my past just got erased
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 All this is really hard and just makes it tough for me to trust someone again. Don't do that... that is so pathetic. You need to acknowledge that she didn't go abroad and cheat on you. She did the honorable thing and gave you your pink slip in person, before she left. What more would you expect from somebody? To chain themselves to you, even if they don't want to? Trust has nothing to do with it. This is about risk. You may very well not be willing to risk yourself again, but don't put it on other people. This about you, not them.
Rainoflight Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Don't do that... that is so pathetic. You need to acknowledge that she didn't go abroad and cheat on you. She did the honorable thing and gave you your pink slip in person, before she left. What more would you expect from somebody? To chain themselves to you, even if they don't want to? Trust has nothing to do with it. This is about risk. You may very well not be willing to risk yourself again, but don't put it on other people. I do not agree with this. From what he is telling, she LEAD HIM on. Here is a hint: this totally came out of nowhere and even her closest friends were surprised she made this move. Even a couple of days before that she was telling me she missed me and such. She did not want to work the problems out, she lead him on and then decided. She sounds bipolar from what i read so far.
Author Shetland Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Yeah, She actually told me while she was abroad. It was only a month long study abroad trip, not a whole semester. She told me a week into the trip because she felt guilty holding in the secret and wanted to enjoy the rest of the trip. It was a ten month relationship and the breakup call lasted for only half an hour and she didn't want to contact me from then on...I barely had time to process what was going on. I feel like maybe she got bored of our relationship, but the thing is, she never communicated with me about any problems with our relationship. I always told her not to hold anything in if there's anything she wanted to talk about. All this is just really poor communication...
mightycpa Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Step back for moment and take a look. She finds a nice guy to go out with. I have no doubt that she geniunely likes him. She's in college, and goes abroad to study. There's no ring on her finger. He's just a boyfriend. She has this opportunity to do what relatively few others get to do, but it requires separation. She makes a calculation - she's going to go away, and she doesn't want to be tied down while she's away. To your point that right before, she's telling him how much she misses him, you'll see that story told over and over and over again. I think this is because dumpers are fighting the way they feel. They don't want the relationship to end, and so they go a little overboard to try to get the feeling back. They lie to themselves and try to make it work. It is deception, but they are lying to themselves more than they are lying to the SO. They are actually trying to save the relationship when they do that. Then, at some point, there's the "come to Jesus" moment. They accept the truth. They accept things for the way they are. They still like their soon-to-be ex's, they are just not in love anymore, and they can no longer deny that it is over for them. Once they find themselves there, there are two ways to react: 1 - they can lie to the ex, cheat, have a good time, and be a bad person about it, waiting to get caught, or to get sick of hiding or 2 - they can come clean and break it off Let me tell you something about love. It is a funny thing. One day you can be in love, and the next you can be no longer in love. That doesn't mean you lied yesterday. It simply means that you don't feel the same way today. It is beyond your control. Unless you're married, you don't really have an obligation to stick around for the sake of somebody else's feelings. You have options. She took her option, and she notified him. That's a hell of a lot better than a lot of people around here get. Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of that, but that's life. Almost everybody experiences that at least once in their lives. It's never easy, but the stories are always pretty much the same. I actually feel sorry for the people that don't experience heartbreak, because it is an experience that can show you how strong you really are. It can make you better if you let it. And even if you put all of this on her, he can't blame other people, or be afraid of them for how she treated him. By doing that, he's just retreated into a shell, and he hasn't really learned anything at all about love and loss. I know it's not easy, but it happens all the time.
Chi townD Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 My guess? She cheated on you while she was gone. And staying with you would be a constant reminder of what she did. The guilt would have been too much to endure day after day. Too much of a secret to keep. So, out of sight; out of mind. Also, she might still be in contact with the dude she cheated on you with. Hard to explain to you why she's constantly on the phone and hiding texts and now has Skype on her computer. So, it would be best not to have you around to question her. Sorry to be blunt dude. But, it is what it is.
Holmes85 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Shetland, Allow me to translate: The reason she wanted to break up with me was to "figure things out" for herself. She's interested in pursuing someone else. Once she "figures" out that the other person is interested in her as well. You are going to get a proper boot. She doesn't know what she wants do with as a career when she graduates college and she says she's going through an identity crisis. To her, being in a relationship is stressful and was a lot of work and pressure. She didn't had any problems with those things before? Why the excuses now? Apparently it has nothing to do with me at all or how I acted, but simply that the principle of a relationship is stressful. Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. it's ALL about HER. She's been in relationships since her freshman year of high school and never had a full year to herself of being single. Before we got together, she was a little unsure because she said she wanted to be single. However, she was the one chasing me and never mentioned any desire to be single once the relationship started. Your (Ex) Girlfriend is highly immature. Her feelings change from time to time, today she loves you, 6-8 months from now, it would be different. Everything was good and we barely fought. We hung out a lot and she would always talk about a future with me. She was really happy with me and her friends told me that the way she felt about me was different from her past relationships. She even spoke to her friends about marriage with me. Most of the girls (and boys) say those stuff when they are in a relationship, but the question is do they really mean it? Don't believe a word, unless you actually see it happening. I always took this with a grain of salt, but I figured we'd be at least together for more than a years. I am now her shortest relationship, whereas most of her relationships lasted more than a year at least. Watch her actions and not her words. Then, when she broke up with me abroad, she told me she'd been thinking about it for about a month and then just stops communicating with me and acts real cold. She was searching for a reason to breakup with you, since you gave her none, you left her no choice but to pull the trigger herself. I never pressured her to hang out with me or to avoid being with her friends. I've done my best to support the choices she makes all the time. Her friends tell me that it's nothing to do with me and its more of what she's going through.I really think you should stop communicating with her friends, who probably are in touch with her and give news back & forth and get a few kicks out of it. My ex now says that she doesn't feel the same about me anymore not because she's not interested or attracted, but the pressure of a relationship made her lose feelings for me. Like I said before, only immature people have immature feelings. A lot of her arguments just don't make sense and I feel she might be hiding truths from me to protect me. She says there's nobody else and I trust that since it follows with her desire to be single. She is never going to admit that there's someone else. In fact she's going to keep things under wraps for a while, till she feels it's okay to let the news out. The chances of her admitting that she killed someone is a lot higher than admitting that she cheated (emotionally or physically) on you. Anyways, I was wondering if anybody went through something similar she is going through and to shed some light. I'm not sure how she cited the relationship as the breaking point and seemed to discount me from any involvement of what happened. She seems to see a relationship as some sort of contract and doesn't understand that I'm willing to make changes so that everything can workout for the both of us. I barely got a chance to fight for us and she's seems totally okay without me now. Is this G.I.G.S? or some weird hybrid of a bunch of things. Let me know if you guys need more details.I have read the definition of GIGS on here. To me GIGS has a totally different meaning, to me it means that they saw something better (or think that they could do better) and left the relationship to persue whatever it is they have in their mind. All the rest of the stuff that is defined here are just too much detail (that may or may not apply to your situation). I would say cut her off completely and start working on yourself. Once you are no longer in an emotional state, you would start to see things differently and once your logical thinking takes over, then you would be in the best position to take further action, who knows along the lines you will meet someone who appreciates your effort in the relationship and doesn't have a change of heart like your Ex Girlfriend.
italiangirl03 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 my ex told me a week and a half ago that he feels no "spark" between us, the day after he hugged my grandmother and attended a huge family gathering. NOW I am receiving private calls with somebody else on the other line & I know it is him. Just hang in there. She is thinking about you, and if she isn't now then she will eventually when karma comes back to her and when she is lonely and has nobody. Just be tough, every woman needs a man, they don't need somebody crying over them. Act like your fine, even though inside it hurts. Take care and be strong, watch movies, take up new hobbies, go out with friends and have a few laughs. Keep yourself occupied. 2
Rainoflight Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 I really don't understand how people act like this. He acted kind and showed love in this relashionship, offered her a stability and wanted to make this work, even if it was LDR. From that point she took him for granted. This makes not sense.
Author Shetland Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Thanks guys This still totally sucks SO much. :confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:
Recommended Posts