Eaglestar83 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You don't have to feel instant/intense chemistry with someone for it to work out. However, after a month or two, you should start feeling a degree of emotional connection that is building up and heading in the right direction, you should start feeling like you care about this person, and have their best interest at heart not just your interest. In my opinion, if this is not happening at this stage, then you should end it. If u still view him as a stranger and you are one foot in, one foot out so to speak, then it's not likely to work and you should set him free Get to know yourself, what your needs are. We all have different needs. You might need a bf with a rough edge, tattoos etc, another girl might be repulsed by them.
todreaminblue Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Hey lil missy.....grass is greener....thats what you have......i have to tell you its not really greener you know..... you were attracted to your current because he was a bad boy and held you at arms length but when he felt safe enough to open up it deterred you turned you off because he wasnt so hard to get anymore...you have him ...he cares for you...treats you like gold..... and that guy with the leather jacket and the non caring attitude who would probably throw you away for a quick ride with the girl down the road....you can get him cant you...... his agressiveness and treating you like a challenge he wishes to mount..... looks so attractive from your side of the fence.......raw passion over being treated like gold...the excitement of the unknown vs the known and true path............. i will have to say that i have been involed with good guys and bad guys...and bad guys just dont cut the mustard.....they are actually more predictable than the guy who treats you well......a good guy who treats you like gold will plan a romantic date without you having a clue whats going on for the simple fact he wants to make you happy....... a real bad boy will plan something that doesnt include you once he has you...why should he....he gets bored with the known too......he wants the unknown ...and as soon as he knows you ....its over red rover......your passion will remain....dormant...as he rides off with someone else..... incite passion with the guy you have......the oen who treats you like gold for true happiness...or take up the unknown guy who is full of flirt and realize you wont be the only one or the last girl he flirts with...its your choice...i know...what choice i would make.......but thats me ...i would cherish the guy who opened up to me who cherished me.....over anyone else...i am his......he is mine....sort of scenario....more than some strange flirty guy who doesnt take no for an answer......what will you choose.....deb 3
Author lil_missy Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 You don't have to feel instant/intense chemistry with someone for it to work out. However, after a month or two, you should start feeling a degree of emotional connection that is building up and heading in the right direction, you should start feeling like you care about this person, and have their best interest at heart not just your interest. In my opinion, if this is not happening at this stage, then you should end it. If u still view him as a stranger and you are one foot in, one foot out so to speak, then it's not likely to work and you should set him free Get to know yourself, what your needs are. We all have different needs. You might need a bf with a rough edge, tattoos etc, another girl might be repulsed by them. I wouldn't say that I don't care about him, infact I thought him all the time everyday since we've been together. Sometimes I really missed him when we're not together but I never expressed it to him. We are not at that stage where we say "I miss you" and all those lovey dovey things. But I know he cares for me and we were friends before this, so still talking to each other mostly like we would to friends But the past two days I haven't thought about him much at all since this other married man has been texting me non stop for 2 days . this is really making me question our connection
LoveRefreshed Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 OMG, a genuine nice guy. Can't want him.
Eaglestar83 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 well, every relationship loses its intensity after a while, doesnt mean we no longer care about the person. you just have to figure out if what you want is a long term relationship with support, team work etc, or the thrill and excitment of having short terms. if you dont want to talk to this married guy just ask him to stop. your only attracted to the exitment of dating a new, married guy, and havinga fling with him. you are not attrcated to him. 2
Toodaloo Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You may be right he may just be a bad kisser Talk to him. Tell him. Whats the point in telling us all of this if he doesn't know? Easy way is to say something like - it really turns me on when you use your tongue when we kiss. It would really turn me on when you take a bit more control and initiate more... Married man wants to use you as a hole to shove his penis into and drop you like a hot potato as soon as you develop feelings. Being the Other Woman is just stupid and very rarely works out. He is a douch bag. On the other hand you have a great guy who is lovely that just doesn't quite get it yet. Are you seriously going to contemplate stooping so low just for a shag? 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I think it's your life and you do what you want to do. However, if you end up with two kids and a deadbeat father who is out of their children's lives and is nowhere to be seen when child support payments are up, then perhaps 'bad boys' was not the correct choice. Outside of that, go for whatever guy you want. Edited February 3, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Yes. Two. Lasting over two years each. I am sorry 2 years is not long term.
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 But the past two days I haven't thought about him much at all since this other married man has been texting me non stop for 2 days . this is really making me question our connection And that makes me question you. You have to decide what you want. If you want a relationship than stop looking around and playing with married men! Give this current guy a real chance, which means blocking other opportunities to flood in. Also, why don't you escalate this relationship to next level? Tell him you miss him when you do and work toward more intimacy. OP, pardon my French but a d!k is a d!k is a d!k. This married man will only give you a brief thrill. 1
Diezel Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's threads like these that reinforce my notion that some women just don't know what they want, even when what they think they should want is sitting right in front of them. That first paragraph in the OP was all leading up to something else. It's a story of two men, not a story of just one. And anyone who believes it's just about 1 guy, is poorly mistaken. Here's a guy that was keeping his distance until given the green light and now that he's showing her how he feels, she doesn't want that anymore. She wants Guy #2, but she thinks she should be with Guy #1. So, to the OP... let Guy #1 go. Because clearly you aren't in a position to be with someone like that. You thought Guy #1 was more like Guy #2. I'm not going to tell you to see both. I'm not going to tell you to stay with Guy #1. But don't become that person who eventually looks back and says, "What if? Why didn't I?" If there is something missing with Guy #1, COMMUNICATE IT. Otherwise, move on. It almost seems pretty clear you aren't ready for stability. The fact that you are classifying these guys and trying to put them into separate categories/boxes already tells me plenty.
Leigh 87 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I am sorry 2 years is not long term. But I've known plenty of couples who got the crazy passion and have lasted. It doesn't have to be one or the other plus some woman only feel the passion with unavailable guys. THAT'S when things get tricky. And they cannot have it all.
Standard-Fare Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 OP, I guarantee that if you pursue this thing with the married man at the cost of your current relationship with a guy that genuinely cares about you and treats you right, you will find yourself later crippled with regret. Path 1 ensures confusion and desperation and has almost no chance of a positive outcome. It's a road of self-destruction. Path 2 is at least giving yourself a real shot at love and happiness. Whether or not the "nice guy" ends up being the one for you, cut the married man out of your life. Time to treat yourself with some respect. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Well from your first post I don't think you really are into him, the rest of the stuff is pretty much not important, so just move on!! I will say though that the advice you're getting about holding out for some kind of volcanic eruption of passion is probably really not good advice for anyone!! If you need to do it you need to do it though, maybe you will learn something that you can take with you when you are looking for something real, good luck!!
venusishername Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Your bad boy phase isn't over. My bad boy phase still isn't over, so I get it. I'm in my early 30s now and I'll always be drawn to the sexually aggressive bad boys. I just FINALLY figured out that chasing the bad boys makes you end up alone, so in the end that is your choice. HOWEVER, the fact that the guy is MARRIED? F that. How can you even be entertaining the idea? I can see how his slimy aggressiveness flirting with you might be appealing because your nice guy isn't giving you that feeling. But really? Run away from a married man, a taken man. That's an issue you need to look at in yourself. I participated in an affair very briefly several years ago, he came on very strong and aggressively to me, with a lot of passion and lust.. and I liked it because he fulfilled that 'need' in me to be desired like that... and it felt safe because he was unavailable. Missy, give the good guy a chance. Don't settle for no passion AT ALL of course, but it still may be too soon. If you've only kissed maybe he's hesitant to show you more aggressiveness. Edited February 3, 2015 by venusishername
Author lil_missy Posted February 4, 2015 Author Posted February 4, 2015 Thanks for everyone's responses they are all so insightful I know even if I can't take in all of the advice, one day I will when I look back of course im not going to ditch my wonderful guy for the married guy. I only brought up the married guy as a comparison of my feelings. my guy called me last night and asked me out for valentines day! i was so excited and i went to bed very happy. but i woke up in the middle of the night feeling a bit uneasy, just this heavy feeling that he is way more invested than i am. I cant stand that feeling. but i know that he is EXACTLY what i need in my life, some stability and someone that really cares about me. The married guy texts me sweet and cute things all day long and i enjoy it way too much. =( my guy never does that, sometimes i dont hear from him at all for 2 days and i start to lose feelings for him. another thing is i feel my guy isn't very ambitious. his got a full time job at a hardware store and his 28yo. I dont know if he has ambitions to do anything else.
Woggle Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Just dump him now instead of breaking his heard later on down the road. You know that is how it is going to eventually end so rip the bandaid off right now. 2
Leigh 87 Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 Just dump him now instead of breaking his heard later on down the road. You know that is how it is going to eventually end so rip the bandaid off right now. Exactly. If I settled with a "nice guy" who liked me, which there always is one at any given time for me.... Honestly? I would just ditch him as soon as a man I felt passionate about came along. I wouldn't cheat but I would leave the ' nice guy I had great sex with" for the " passionate guy I had mind blowing sex with". In a heartbeat. That is why I don't even go on second dates with the men I KNOW I will never have the most passionate sex with. I don't waste their time or hurt them. I am nearly 30 and I guess I just "know" the men I will have explosive sex with, versus the one I will only ever have " great" sex with. I can't settle for less than the absolutely passionate and explosive sex I got off my recent ex. You either can settle for "less good" sex with a guy who adores you, or you can wait out for the whole package - the best sex and a guy who is compatible with you.. Most women don't mind that their husband/partner doesn't give them the most passionate sex they have ever had. With me at least - certain guys give me what I need sexually, and the other ones who may be wonderful guys, just never give me sex as good as I had it with the men I was really passionate about. What type of woman are you? The type that wants great sex but not the best they have had? Or are you going to hold out longer for a guy you feel passion for? I get he is a nice guy. I have had plenty of very nice guys want to date me and have a relationship with me. I don't have the need for a relationship or to settle down with one person in the near future so... I choose to wait. I am a rarity; most women are very happy and content with a guy who cherishes them and adores them - and gives them ''great" sex. I doubt you are like me but perhaps you are, in which case you shouldn't settle for less than what your heart yearns for. If you are reasonably attractive and pleasant you WILL get your passion guy. The only road block I can see - is that you go for bad guys. I am not into bad guys that treat me like cr@p, and I am into all types of men - so I have enough scope to reasonably expect the passion guy who is also compatible. If you only go for unavailable men you can see a therapist and learn how to overcome your addiction to the lust that only a man who isn't that into you/ doesn't truly want you/ or who is married, can bring. 1
thecrucible Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 If I settled with a "nice guy" who liked me, which there always is one at any given time for me.... Honestly? I would just ditch him as soon as a man I felt passionate about came along. I wouldn't cheat but I would leave the ' nice guy I had great sex with" for the " passionate guy I had mind blowing sex with". In a heartbeat. Leigh, I met someone today. I thought you'd find this story interesting. Today I was trying on bridesmaid dresses for a photo shoot. I got talking to the lady in the shop about love and relationships. Anyway so, I asked her about how she met her husband and she said: "When I first met my husband, I didn't find him physically attractive at first but I fell for him because he was very persistent. I'm divorced now but I don't regret any of it as I have my two wonderful children. But now I definitely think that physical attraction in a relationship is more important than I had thought. You have that physical attraction, then you have the soul connection as well and then you have a personality connection. You don't always get all of those" Now I don't think instant attraction is as important to me as I once thought but I definitely think chemistry has to be there. It has nothing to do with what the guy objectively looks like - it's a feeling. Anyway some people might think I'm young and shallow when I say that but today I met a woman in her 40s or 50s who felt the same. I'm also aware that in life you have to compromise. That really scares me - the thought of picking the wrong one. So instead I rarely date because I find it too scary. I am nearly 30 and I guess I just "know" the men I will have explosive sex with, versus the one I will only ever have " great" sex with. Yeah it's intuition that you build up over time and you realise the more you date. I didn't know sex was that good until I found a guy who truly rocked my socks off. I can't settle for less than the absolutely passionate and explosive sex I got off my recent ex. You either can settle for "less good" sex with a guy who adores you, or you can wait out for the whole package - the best sex and a guy who is compatible with you.. To me though sexual attraction when combined with a soul connection is where the true passion happens. When I feel strong sexual attraction but we don't have a personality connection, it just fizzles. If I feel a connection of minds and a sexual attraction of any sort (doesn't have to be intense) then I think that's enough to work with because on balance what I want to feel is that the guy could be my soul mate. I think if there's at least an initial spark, sex can be worked out...but if I don't feel a strong emotional connection, I'll always feel that there is something missing. The only road block I can see - is that you go for bad guys. I am not into bad guys that treat me like cr@p, and I am into all types of men - so I have enough scope to reasonably expect the passion guy who is also compatible. If you only go for unavailable men you can see a therapist and learn how to overcome your addiction to the lust that only a man who isn't that into you/ doesn't truly want you/ or who is married, can bring. I agree with that. I've worked through my previous attraction to bad guys. Some people get confused and mistake the lust for guys as true attraction. I know it's not true because whilst I still lust for bad guys, it dies quickly once I realise their true colours, which luckily I'm getting better at doing. The question in this thread you can go around in circles asking about. But the only person who knows the answer is yourself and what's important to you. It's not something anyone can answer. But if you like someone enough to try and see, then do so. However, if it doesn't feel right, go with your gut I would say.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 5, 2015 Posted February 5, 2015 my guy called me last night and asked me out for valentines day! i was so excited and i went to bed very happy. but i woke up in the middle of the night feeling a bit uneasy, just this heavy feeling that he is way more invested than i am. I cant stand that feeling. but i know that he is EXACTLY what i need in my life, some stability and someone that really cares about me. Nooooo! Oh, Missy, you have to end this. Trust me, I was in this exact same place with a wonderful, handsome man who was stable and caring. He was committed, loyal and marriage-minded. He led a great life and we agreed on all of our long-term goals. But I could never fully shake that same feeling you have right now---that I wasn't really excited about him. This was the right guy, just not the right guy for me. Yes, passion ebbs and flows in a relationship. But if the passion is never there in the first place, you're doomed. And it's more than just passion that's missing here! You aren't excited by his stupid little texts. Your heart doesn't flutter when he talks to you. Late at night long after he's asleep you're terrified he's not the one. That alone is enough to prove he isn't right for you. When you're with the right one you never doubt it, long after the infatuation has ended. Please, please, please end this now. You're only prolonging his pain and wasting each other's time. You both deserve to find someone who makes you blissfully happy. 1
WomenWubber Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 (edited) @lil_missy Sounds like you're not that attracted to each other, but he's more invested in the relatioship than you. I'm afraid you'll end up breaking up with him anyways, so you may as well do it asap. Edited February 6, 2015 by WomenWubber
Author lil_missy Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 im so sad that everyone is telling me to break up with him =( i really dont want to be alone and he's got pretty much everything im looking for, plus he is really good to me! I've NEVER had that before. and I know a good thing when I see it. i dont know why i get the dreaded feeling though, it really bugs me and doesnt make me very happy. we've only been seeing each other a month, i think i want to give this more time to develop. i think we both deserve more time and he would want that too. @ WomenWubber - you say he is not attracted to me? why? then why he is making so much effort with me? This married man, he makes me really excited and i love hearing from him. and i HATE that i love it.
Woggle Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 im so sad that everyone is telling me to break up with him =( i really dont want to be alone and he's got pretty much everything im looking for, plus he is really good to me! I've NEVER had that before. and I know a good thing when I see it. i dont know why i get the dreaded feeling though, it really bugs me and doesnt make me very happy. we've only been seeing each other a month, i think i want to give this more time to develop. i think we both deserve more time and he would want that too. @ WomenWubber - you say he is not attracted to me? why? then why he is making so much effort with me? This married man, he makes me really excited and i love hearing from him. and i HATE that i love it. I say it because you end it with him right now honorably or break his heart down the road.
WomenWubber Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 He's certainly attracted, just not as attracted as you may think. Why is he making an effort? Probably because he's developing feelings for you and is willing to compromise some of his time to spend it with you. There may be other motives, though, because it's been only a month. Also to you it may seem he's making too much effort, because compared to him you're not making any. From the vibe of your posts, you think of him as a good mate because he has many qualities you look for in a partner. But you are just not feeling that spark with him and you haven't developed feelings for him either. Instead, you want more of what the married man (a no good man) is giving you. Your boyfriend may look amazing in paper, but he's not giving you what you want. To be honest with you, your boyfriend is either too shy/insecure to make a move or he just doesn't feel compelled to. If you want to give this more time, maybe you should ask him why he doesn't get physical with you. His answer could save you lots of headache.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 Going after the bad boys makes you into a bitter and messed up person. Passion can build and last longer. I'd rather be mildly attracted to a guy and KNOW that he's someone that respects and loves me than date someone that I had loads of chemistry with but in the end, treats me horribly and ends it after a few short uninspiring months.
Author lil_missy Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 To be honest with you, your boyfriend is either too shy/insecure to make a move or he just doesn't feel compelled to. If you want to give this more time, maybe you should ask him why he doesn't get physical with you. His answer could save you lots of headache. You think after a month I should ask him why his not getting physical with me?? I assumed he was being polite and respectful. But yeh that's just my guess I don't know I'm willing to explore this as I believe feelings can develop and I do attached to guys over time. The strong chemistry hasn't worked for me in the past and I'm willing to try different things. Insanity is trying the same thing and expecting diff outcomes, isn't it?
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