lil_missy Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 So ive been dating this really great guy for the past month, we are not official but i know he really likes me. he tells me he really enjoys my company, is most considerate and reliable person i know. always makes plans to hang out with me and calls me. Plus he introduces me to all his friends and tries to help me with anything. Basically he treats me like gold. but of course there's a problem or i wouldn't be there. When i first met him, he seemed like a real bad boy and that is usually my type. i was very attracted to him as he kept me guessing for a while on whether he liked me or not. but when he finally confessed to me that he's had a crush on me for a long time, he started acting different. he almost became "too nice", makes everything about me and just want to please me. Sometimes he is so sweet it does make my heart skip a beat and think im falling for him. but most of the time i just like the fact that he takes care of me but im not feeling crazy about him. he is not pushy or clingy, usually we talk every 2 days, and hang out 1-2 times per week. the other problem is, he doesnt get very physical with me. we've kissed but not made out, every time he kisses me he doesnt really use tongue, only lip kissing so it never escalates to making out. I really need to feel desired and he doesnt make me feel that way. recently another guy came into my life and flirts with me relentlessly, he is no good for me but my attraction to him is so strong it makes me realise what i am missing with the wonderful guy im seeing. It makes me question my current relationship as i dont feel that passion, mostly because he doesn't make me feel desired. should I be patient and will this relationship ever become passionate?
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 If you want a relationship all the elements are there for you and this man to develop a meaningful one. After one month and very little physical contact you cannot classify this man and relationship as lacking passion yet. Next time he kisses you just escalate things yourself. Communicate to him. Sounds to me you are willing to ditched an amazing man just to get some cheap thrill with this other dude. 7
BeatsByDirk Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Yes yes yes! Hey OP! Hope your day is going great. I love this post! You should break it off with him and explain everything you just wrote in great detail, you could save this dude a life of pain. This example is what I'm always talking about in the cheaters section. Awesome guy, makes you like him a lot, care about him, would be an awesome husband and father, makes me dry up down there! Staying here in this relationship, with this beta dude will only lead to you being disgusted with his inability to be dominant and powerful in the relationship. For some women a guy like him is perfect, but for a girl like you who knows she likes bad boys, this guy is quicksand for you! All the things that you put on a list that will make you happy this guy does but yet you don't feel turned on and now you are already being drawn to another guy who has the right rhythm for a gal like you, maybe not for long term but he knows how to send that shiver down your spine. Funny thing is he would probably cheat on you all day and you wouldn't even consider leaving him but with the beta guy it's almost like you are being forced to find excitement from other guys. I would break up and always keep in mind that you need a guy who doesn't fall head over heals for you, who can call you on your own BS, and isn't afraid to leave you if you start acting like a pill but still can be a respectable person who won't just flat out break your heart... Good luck! 2
Eaglestar83 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Question to the OP: how old are you? Do you have things figured out in term of what you looking for etc? The man you are seeing at the moment sounds like a keeper if you're looking for a long term relationship. Some chemistry is vital for sure but the "fireworks" and. "Butterflies" are not essential because in any long lasting relationship, they ultimately fade because they're based on lust
preraph Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 To me, it sounds like he's not assertive enough for you and you're viewing him as weak, especially in the sexual arena. If he's not right, then fine, but that doesn't mean you have to go after a guy you know is no good for you either. 2
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 When i first met him, he seemed like a real bad boy and that is usually my type. i was very attracted to him as he kept me guessing for a while on whether he liked me or not. Your bad boy phase isn't over. 1
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It would be unwise to break it off just yet with a good guy for this reason. That crazy attraction is not a good long term relationship indicator. Not saying it's not good, but don't look for that, look for character first AND let chemistry develop in time. If it never does, dump him, but not until you're sure. You don't know what's going to happen after you sleep together. I didn't have crazy chemistry with my current boyfriend but things changed a lot after we slept together, after around 3 months of dating. He didn't even kiss me for 7 dates, I kissed him at date 7. I also initiated sex. Now he's all over me, can't get him to stop humping me every moment I tease him about how brave is he now compared to how shy when we first met. 3
Leigh 87 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Question to the OP: how old are you? Do you have things figured out in term of what you looking for etc? The man you are seeing at the moment sounds like a keeper if you're looking for a long term relationship. Some chemistry is vital for sure but the "fireworks" and. "Butterflies" are not essential because in any long lasting relationship, they ultimately fade because they're based on lust But many couples do have the fireworks and feel butterflies and also a good relationship. I personally prefer intense chemistry or else I don't want a relationship badly enough. Sure the passion doesn't last forever. But if it isn't NATURALLY strong to begin with, how are you going to keep the spark alive and inject the occasional fire, when it was never there to begin with? Long term relationships are hard enough; sex goes stale and fireworks fade. Passion dwindles. What hope do you have if the lust, fireworks and strong initial chemistry was never there in the first place ? Couples who had that intense chemistry at the start can inject it back into the relationship years down the track providing they are in a happy and healthy relationship. It won't be all explosive sex but the thing with having natural passion and intense chemistry, is that it's far easier to inject the spark back into the long term relationship. I like to be single and therefore hold out for good chemistry AND good long term compatibility. If you are in no rush to have kids and/or you just don't feel a huge need to be in a relationship, I'd wait for a guy that you're crazy about and have plenty of passion with- who's also a nice guy who you can build a relationship with. 2
Leigh 87 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It would be unwise to break it off just yet with a good guy for this reason. That crazy attraction is not a good long term relationship indicator. Not saying it's not good, but don't look for that, look for character first AND let chemistry develop in time. If it never does, dump him, but not until you're sure. You don't know what's going to happen after you sleep together. I didn't have crazy chemistry with my current boyfriend but things changed a lot after we slept together, after around 3 months of dating. He didn't even kiss me for 7 dates, I kissed him at date 7. I also initiated sex. Now he's all over me, can't get him to stop humping me every moment I tease him about how brave is he now compared to how shy when we first met. The men I never had crazy chemistry with to begin with, never developed into the level of passion I had for other guys. It's not uncommon to end up with both things : crazy chemistry and longevity. Because honestly, I never ended up with the same kind of sizzle with the guys I only had mediocre to low chemistry with. The one thing the OP needs to work on is her pechnant for bad boys. They don't often change into a relationship minded guy until much later in life. If you can learn to be open to feeling the passion and crazy chemistry with nice guys who are relationship minded, you will likely find both the passion AND a long term match. I feel the fireworks with all sorts of men...because I made myself open to men of all different types.
Author lil_missy Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 i havent told him how i feel, i dont feel there's a good way to tell him without hurting his feelings. i hope his not a "beta" guy, he has tattoos and loves modding his cars, was pretty wild in his younger years. and im told he has quite a temper. but I haven't seen that in him. does he sound like a "beta"? We are both in our late 20s now. i just know that i like a guy who takes charge. but it has never worked out for me with bad boys in the past, so im really trying to change my ways and be with someone that really cares about me. The other guy that i'm attracted to is definitely a no go for me, he is already married and not the best character if he is still flirting with me. I dont want to throw away this relationship as its best thing I've ever had, i guess im just looking for some reassurance that it will work out with us. The strangest thing to me is the kissing without tongue, it feels like he is not attracted to me at all. I've never had a guy kiss me like that. and i tried to use my tongue once and he didnt really reciprocate, i dont want to force myself on him. Any ideas? why is he so shy? And he rarely compliments me, only once he called me cute and another time said I looked nice. also we both live at home so its hard to get alone time together, except in his car.
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) You can't know if it's going to work out until more time passes. There is no other way. I see you tried to use tongue yourself. It doesn't mean he's not attracted to you, he doesn't seem to be a great kisser that's all. Edited February 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
newmoon Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 i think the OP is very young. you should not feel obligated to continue dating this person if you feel more for someone else or find someone else more 'manly.' you will just start to feel less and less for your nice/weak bf. when a guy is not meeting your standard or definition of manliness then it's time to move on, because he will always be that way and you will always hope for more than he will give. 2
Author lil_missy Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I see you tried to use tongue yourself. It doesn't mean he's not attracted to you' date=' he doesn't seem to be a great kisser that's all.[/quote'] You may be right he may just be a bad kisser Edited February 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You may be right he may just be a bad kisser If he's a good guy, but passion doesn't develop, you might need to end it. I usually have to give guys about 3 months to a max of 4 to figure them out. I don't think there is a way around putting in the time, unless it's REALLY clear from the beginning that the guy is a player/arsehole, looking for a FWB etc. 1
Author lil_missy Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 i think the OP is very young. you should not feel obligated to continue dating this person if you feel more for someone else or find someone else more 'manly.' you will just start to feel less and less for your nice/weak bf. when a guy is not meeting your standard or definition of manliness then it's time to move on, because he will always be that way and you will always hope for more than he will give. I'm not very young just inexperienced with relationships. My longest relationship was fwb for over a year. And a few short ones around the 3 months mark. So I'm not sure if my expectations of a relationship are totally out of whack
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 But many couples do have the fireworks and feel butterflies and also a good relationship. I personally prefer intense chemistry or else I don't want a relationship badly enough. Sure the passion doesn't last forever. But if it isn't NATURALLY strong to begin with, how are you going to keep the spark alive and inject the occasional fire, when it was never there to begin with? Long term relationships are hard enough; sex goes stale and fireworks fade. Passion dwindles. What hope do you have if the lust, fireworks and strong initial chemistry was never there in the first place ? Couples who had that intense chemistry at the start can inject it back into the relationship years down the track providing they are in a happy and healthy relationship. It won't be all explosive sex but the thing with having natural passion and intense chemistry, is that it's far easier to inject the spark back into the long term relationship. I like to be single and therefore hold out for good chemistry AND good long term compatibility. If you are in no rush to have kids and/or you just don't feel a huge need to be in a relationship, I'd wait for a guy that you're crazy about and have plenty of passion with- who's also a nice guy who you can build a relationship with. Well, you're different. I always need time to develop emotional connection before I can do "fireworks". It was like that with my ex-husband and with everyone I've dated. Everyone is different. Perhaps this is the reason why I don't have sex within the few 10+ dates. I just don't feel get hot until my brain reacts in a certain way and that takes time for me. It's fine for you to go for instant chemistry if that's what floats your boat.
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Long term relationships are hard enough; sex goes stale and fireworks fade. Passion dwindles. Have you ever been in a long term relationship to be speaking like this?
BluEyeL Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It doesn't necessarily stale, Leigh. It never did with my ex. We've been together 20 years and I didn't like him all that much at first.
Adele0908 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 So ive been dating this really great guy for the past month, we are not official but i know he really likes me. he tells me he really enjoys my company, is most considerate and reliable person i know. always makes plans to hang out with me and calls me. Plus he introduces me to all his friends and tries to help me with anything. Basically he treats me like gold. but of course there's a problem or i wouldn't be there. When i first met him, he seemed like a real bad boy and that is usually my type. i was very attracted to him as he kept me guessing for a while on whether he liked me or not. but when he finally confessed to me that he's had a crush on me for a long time, he started acting different. he almost became "too nice", makes everything about me and just want to please me. Sometimes he is so sweet it does make my heart skip a beat and think im falling for him. but most of the time i just like the fact that he takes care of me but im not feeling crazy about him. he is not pushy or clingy, usually we talk every 2 days, and hang out 1-2 times per week. the other problem is, he doesnt get very physical with me. we've kissed but not made out, every time he kisses me he doesnt really use tongue, only lip kissing so it never escalates to making out. I really need to feel desired and he doesnt make me feel that way. recently another guy came into my life and flirts with me relentlessly, he is no good for me but my attraction to him is so strong it makes me realise what i am missing with the wonderful guy im seeing. It makes me question my current relationship as i dont feel that passion, mostly because he doesn't make me feel desired. should I be patient and will this relationship ever become passionate? Old school advice won't help with this situation. Old school advice includes: stop taking him for granted, break up with him, stop being ungrateful, stop desiring other men, etc, etc. This is a new era. Things happen faster now, a lot of it is because of the internet. More men and women are meeting all the time. You need new solutions to new problems. There are more opportunities to meet the opposite sex. New school advice is about being honest with yourself. It's about asking yourself what you really want and then being comfortable with having it. It's not about being selfish, but being real with yourself about your desires and needs and not suppressing them. You can't care what people think in this new paradigm! That being said, from my perspective I see a couple of possibilities. The first one, is that you aren't ready for a commitment. You want to play the field and have fun. Or maybe you are just afraid. But for some reason, you aren't ready for the commitment yet. Second possibility is that you aren't ready to receive love. Passion and excitement usually comes from conflicting feelings and turmoil. If you don't completely love and accept yourself as you are right now, then you may not be attracted to a man who loves and accepts you right now, as you are. The solution is to look in the mirror and say "I love you" every day. After 30 days, you may feel totally different about your boyfriend. It is harder to accept love if you aren't loving yourself as you are. In contrast, a challenging relationship is not a sign that you don't love yourself. All relationships are challenging. It's the chasing of an unavailable man that shows more of a deficit in self love. The third possibility is that this other man is your "Womb Choice". Womb choice is a term coined by Kenya K. Stevens (author of Change Your Man), that basically means that your womb (biology) has chosen a man. When your womb, which has it's own intelligence, chooses a man, it chooses the man because the man has your medicine. The man has the potential to heal you from some of your wounds, especially childhood wounds. But the medicine will sting, just like alcohol or some other disinfectant. Womb choice relationships are very challenging, because they challenge our beliefs. But our beliefs are exactly where a lot of our wounds are. In my view, you're not married, so you are free to see who you want. But just know that all decisions have consequences. 2
Leigh 87 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Have you ever been in a long term relationship to be speaking like this? Yes. Two. Lasting over two years each. Plenty of couples get the crazy chemistry and longevity. I think it's realistic for me to hold out for that and to enjoy being single in the meanwhile. If the OP wants a family and she is late 20s then she may not hhave time to wait for crazy chemistry AND a stable relationship with a nice guy who adores her.
Standard-Fare Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It definitely sounds like it's worth giving him more of a chance. For one, he doesn't sound like some clingy, wimpy boring dude. You acknowledged he has some of those "bad boy" traits you're looking for. Yet he's also treating you like a princess. That's a good combo. Especially since you say he's not being totally smothering in his attention. The kissing stuff... is weird. Especially for two adults in their late 20s. I think you need to firmly take the role of aggressor and see where that goes. Eventually you'll see what it's like to have sex with him. That should be an important turning point.
BeatsByDirk Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 All my emotional connections came out of nowhere. I'm married my wife isn't one of the 3-4 girls who made my heart skip beats but she's by far the best partner out of the 3. The sexual connection is in the middle but the strongest emotional connection was also the closest sexual connection but other circumstances were never going to let that relationship mature. I have best friend(not so much any more I got sick of his ways), good looking, he's got tats, he always had a cool car with a great stereo, he's good at sex, women throw themselves at him, piercing, great dresser. Fell in love twice, put both on pedestals, both cheated on him in some crazy nasty ways. He always took them back. Dudes always in relationships. Dudes who don't like to pack up with other dudes. Dudes who don't have at least one friend who is a side kick more so than buddy. Dudes who call their wife their best friend. Dudes who only WANT sex from the woman they are in love with(basically can't see any other woman as a sex partner than his wife). All of the above are the bigger signs a dude is a kind of a beta more than their appearance and hobbies. I think you are at the point where the list(good boyfriend qualities) is working harder to keep you in this than your intuition. You can give it another month but if you still find yourself being curious about other guys often it's best to just kick rocks. Other alternative is to have a conversation, preface it as I could see this going somewhere but these few things aren't working for me. If he's receptive, can make a couple action compromises that work for you both then you have a shot or at least you can see if these changes are possible. If he's not receptive then you know from the jump he's not the guy, good candidate but not a match. You have to out what you want out ther from the begining. I think it's better to be single than compromise what you want to be in a relationship. We all do it but if it starts at the beginning of the relationship then it could be a sign that the gap is too wife to bridge. 1
Author lil_missy Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 That being said, from my perspective I see a couple of possibilities. The first one, is that you aren't ready for a commitment. You want to play the field and have fun. Or maybe you are just afraid. But for some reason, you aren't ready for the commitment yet. Second possibility is that you aren't ready to receive love. Passion and excitement usually comes from conflicting feelings and turmoil. If you don't completely love and accept yourself as you are right now, then you may not be attracted to a man who loves and accepts you right now, as you are. The solution is to look in the mirror and say "I love you" every day. After 30 days, you may feel totally different about your boyfriend. It is harder to accept love if you aren't loving yourself as you are. In contrast, a challenging relationship is not a sign that you don't love yourself. All relationships are challenging. It's the chasing of an unavailable man that shows more of a deficit in self love. The third possibility is that this other man is your "Womb Choice". Womb choice is a term coined by Kenya K. Stevens (author of Change Your Man), that basically means that your womb (biology) has chosen a man. When your womb, which has it's own intelligence, chooses a man, it chooses the man because the man has your medicine. The man has the potential to heal you from some of your wounds, especially childhood wounds. But the medicine will sting, just like alcohol or some other disinfectant. Womb choice relationships are very challenging, because they challenge our beliefs. But our beliefs are exactly where a lot of our wounds are. In my view, you're not married, so you are free to see who you want. But just know that all decisions have consequences. This advice is so insightful! Thanks! I'm wondering if it's notthe lack of self love as I always seem to be getting into these types of situations where I chase guys that don't care about me and shun guys that do. I know that I never feel good enough. I think I will give this guy a few months to go if the passion picks up.
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