So I think my wife is triggering, and not saying anything.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Short version. Her affair began at a Sales kickoff for her company. She was off drinking and dancing with coworkers on a 2 Day sponsored event, two towns over, and one thing lead to another. What was odd, is that she was even invited to that thing, given her role. I remember asking her " Why did they invite you?"

 

Fast Forward:

 

I'm typing this in my hotel room at MY company's sales kickoff. It's on the other side of the country, started off with an INSANE Superbowl party, and will go on until Friday, or until my liver implodes, whichever comes first.

 

The kicker? I do the same thing for work as my wife does, and there really is NO valid reason that I was invited here, other than the bigwigs just like me and wanted me to have a paid week of fun and shenanigans.

 

So....I could have refused to come, and I thought about it. But come on... when the Karma Gods give you something like this, you have to take it. Plus, of course, there are the professional advantages of attending an event like this.

 

It's just smart business. So I'm here.

 

But I HAVE to believe the irony is not lost on my wife, whose exact words when I told her where I was headed echoed my own. " Why would they invite you to this?"

 

So I'm here, and she is now the one at home and I wonder if she is worried about what will happen. Obviously there are tons of attractive women here, and unlimited free drinks and everyone has a nice hotel suite, and there isn't a spouse in sight!

 

Now... why post this T&B?

 

Because I'm sitting here debating whether I should even bring it up. Maybe she isn't worried one bit. Maybe bringing it up will seem like me trying to clear a guilty conscience? Maybe she will admit she's hurting and start crying and make me feel pressure to return early? Maybe none of that will happen. Maybe it's all in my head?

 

What would you do? We've got a very good R going.

[purplesorrow]

If you sense she may be in pain or even just uncomfortable, why not reach out? You are reconciling, would you ever think twice about reassuring and easing her mind before? When I attempted to reconcile, it was my WH who was unsure of his real standing with me, not the other way around. It probably is making her think of her poor choices and she's hoping you won't do what she did.

[autumnnight]

I guess it depends on what reconciliation looks like to you. Does it look like a loving marriage where you care for each other, or does it look like sticking it out while secretly boiling for years? If it's the former, then care for your wife. If it's the latter......well, t least you're in good company.

[aliveagain]

Wait a minute, she cheated on you right? She is in pain yet your the one that was betrayed, why would you reach out to her? Say nothing until she brings it up, let her know the pain you went through. Your still faithful, she failed miserably.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Wait a minute, she cheated on you right? She is in pain yet your the one that was betrayed, why would you reach out to her? Say nothing until she brings it up, let her know the pain you went through. Your still faithful, she failed miserably.

 

Why reach out? Because she is remorseful, and has put up with several years of my being angry, distrustful, distant and callous, among other things before we finally got on a good R track.

 

I know she is well aware that the situation is exactly reversed, and knows all too well what goes on at these kinds of functions. I don't want her to:

 

A: Be worried that I'm going to exact my revenge all these years later.

 

B: Be sitting home feeling all guilty and sad.

 

or C: Feel like she can't bring either of these things up, for fear or reminding ME about what happened.

 

There are those who choose to punish their FWS's indefinitely. That makes no sense to me, but to each their own.

[aliveagain]

Sorry friend, this is not about punishing her specially if there is remorse, this is about learning from the experience. Your both in the same marriage going through the same issues, your both in the same industry, she chose infidelity, you haven't. If she brings it up that means she is feeling your pain she is learning what it feels like to be you, she is relating to what you must have gone through, it's about future prevention because she can now see and feel it from your perspective. If you bring it up it almost sounds intentional.

[MJJean]

Why reach out? Because she is remorseful, and has put up with several years of my being angry, distrustful, distant and callous, among other things before we finally got on a good R track.

 

I know she is well aware that the situation is exactly reversed, and knows all too well what goes on at these kinds of functions. I don't want her to:

 

A: Be worried that I'm going to exact my revenge all these years later.

 

B: Be sitting home feeling all guilty and sad.

 

or C: Feel like she can't bring either of these things up, for fear or reminding ME about what happened.

 

There are those who choose to punish their FWS's indefinitely. That makes no sense to me, but to each their own.

 

Reach out, man. It's all about caring and communication. Communicate to her that you know this weekend might have triggered her memories and caused her to worry and let her know that you understand, it's normal, and that you wouldn't betray her at this late date.

[oldshirt]

I think the replies to this topic are going to fall largely along gender lines and WS vs BS lines.

 

I think many of the FWWs are going to say to comfort her and give her reassurance and assert your commitment etc and many of BH's are going to say to let her sweat it out let her mind conjure up images of what could go on (and her mind movies will be very vivid and visceral since she was one of them).

 

IMHO I think it's ok to let her feel some anxiety and apprehension and let her get a feel for what it's like to be home taking care of the kids while the other is out living it up in Partytown with opportunity all around. I think it's actually an important part of the reconciliation process that she knows that she isn't the only one that has access to other options.

 

I think it would be bad to intentionally inflict pain and insecurity onto her as punishment or to stick to her, but letting her feel some angst and uncertainty in her situation is probably some good medicine.

 

We must all keep in mind that much of her insecurity is from her own actions and her own experience on how tempting it is and how easily it can occur.

 

Now I think you are obligated to be honest. If she asked you if you have screwed someone, I think you are obligated to say no if you haven't. But it's her job to seek her own reassurance in this situation a opposed to your job to assure it preemptively.

 

She made this bed by her own hand. If she is having insecurities about it, it is by her own device. If she wants reassurance, it's her job to seek it.

[oldshirt]

 

Because I'm sitting here debating whether I should even bring it up. Maybe she isn't worried one bit. Maybe bringing it up will seem like me trying to clear a guilty conscience? Maybe she will admit she's hurting and start crying and make me feel pressure to return early? Maybe none of that will happen. Maybe it's all in my head?

 

no reason to bring it up if she hasn't brought it up. It may not even dawn on her, so why bring on any trouble that isn't there?

 

What would you do?

 

I wouldn't look for trouble if there wasn't any kind of indication that ere was any problem in the first place. This may just be in your head. Maybe YOU are the one that is triggering. If that is the case then you need to deal with it and it is your cross to bare.

 

 

We've got a very good R going

 

 

then why rock the boat if there are no signs of rough water or bad weather on the horizon?

 

.

 

 

Responses in bold above

[Buckeye2]

We must all keep in mind that much of her insecurity is from her own actions and her own experience on how tempting it is and how easily it can occur.

 

 

^^^^^This^^^^^

 

 

Don't say anything but be gracious if she brings it up.

[JS84]

Is it possible she doesn't even really care that much??

[merrmeade]

Nice. I wonder if I'll ever cross over without realizing it, as you seem to have done.

 

If I understand correctly, you're at a place of caring about the fact that the other person — who gravely injured you — is hurting. Because that hurt has a complicated history, which you both are fully aware of, means you're so used to being careful that you don't realize when it's safe to be vulnerable again.

 

I'm in IC right now, working on stuff that my WH and I were never going to fix together. She gives me general relationship suggestions sometimes that I have a hard time with because of the need for vulnerability. I'm not sure she really knows me yet and my personal history, and she doesn't know my H at all. It makes me a little sad that my WH and I can't get past our sh-t and just be loving, caring and trusting. But we can't. We're not where you are.

 

It looks to me like you don't have to guard yourselves any more for fear of being hurt. Your issues don't seem to be insensitivity, selfishness or general dismissal but the opposite. So, unless I've missed something here, you're quite blessed that you can afford to be unselfish with your concern for your wife's feelings. Isn't it what's supposed to be happening, where you're supposed to be?

 

Do you realize that "triggering" is what the BS does? But you've used it to talk about what the WS is going through. It's an interesting and touching transference of sorts.

 

So enough analyzing. That was just to say, hey, you're so much better off than you seem to realize. And what I don't understand is: Why don't you just tell her how you feel? Wouldn't she also be touched by your concern? Why can't you just share what you just told us in a way that she can hear without feeling defensive or bad about herself?

Edited February 3, 2015 by merrmeade

[autumnnight]

Your still faithful, she failed miserably.

 

Like I said, do you want reconciliation, or is the above how you want to define your marriage and the spouse you love for the rest of your lives?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Thanks for all the responses. I decided that whether or not it was on her mind...it was on mine.

 

This isn't my first time away. I was in another country for a month not long ago. So it's not just the separation that is at issue. It's that we're in the exact same scenario that lead to her affair, only now the shoe is on the other foot.

 

Anyway, I shot her a note, and told her the thought crossed my mind that she might feel uncomfortable with the situation, and if so... please let me know if there is anything to talk about. Said just in case there was an elephant in the room, I didn't want to miss is.

 

She said there is no elephant. The thought did cross her mind ( about the role reversal ) and she did have some short thoughts about how it may come to my mind ( which it did ) But she doesn't feel bad about me being here and all that.

 

To the person who asked about my use of the term trigger. I wholeheartedly believe that WS's trigger. I've seen her go through it, and it's not fun. It doesn't trigger the kind of hurt that we BS's feel. But it definitely triggers shame, embarrassment, disappointment and regret.

 

And if the roles were reversed, i don't think I'd enjoy those kinds of triggers very much either.

[merrmeade]

And that's why I said it's nice. Heart-warming. Encouraging.

[drifter777]

I think you are the one triggering. You are just projecting on to her. I think its best if you just leave it for now. If she needs anything from you she will bring it up on her own.

[oldshirt]

I think you are the one triggering. You are just projecting on to her. I think its best if you just leave it for now. If she needs anything from you she will bring it up on her own.

 

I agree. I think this is triggering you. This may be your baggage and not hers.

[Buckeye2]

Anyway, I shot her a note, and told her the thought crossed my mind that she might feel uncomfortable with the situation, and if so... please let me know if there is anything to talk about.

 

After all she has done here you are thinking of her feelings. It's not random that she cheated and you didn't.

 

I just went to a management meeting where the guy said companies have cultures. He compared cultures to the operating system of a computer or smart phone. He compared small improvements to apps.

 

If the operating system is bad the apps don’t improve things as much as you would think. My point it that you are adding apps to your wife's flawed operating system. You basically have a better operating system to start with. She doesn’t think like you do.

Edited February 3, 2015 by Buckeye2

[autumnnight]

After all she has done here you are thinking of her feelings. It's not random that she cheated and you didn't.

 

I just went to a management meeting where the guy said companies have cultures. He compared cultures to the operating system of a computer or smart phone. He compared small improvements to apps.

 

If the operating system is bad the apps don’t improve things as much as you would think. My point it that you are adding apps to your wife's flawed operating system. You basically have a better operating system to start with. She doesn’t think like you do.

 

 

You don't know how she thinks. In fact, BS's who are still carrying the baggage pretty much have no idea how a FWS thinks. They assume they think in some permanently evil twisted and permanently flawed way because....well, maybe it's comforting on some level.

 

OP, I applaud you for choosing to have compassion for your wife in spite of her past actions. That says quite a bit about YOUR character.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for all the responses. I decided that whether or not it was on her mind...it was on mine.

 

This isn't my first time away. I was in another country for a month not long ago. So it's not just the separation that is at issue. It's that we're in the exact same scenario that lead to her affair, only now the shoe is on the other foot.

 

Anyway, I shot her a note, and told her the thought crossed my mind that she might feel uncomfortable with the situation, and if so... please let me know if there is anything to talk about. Said just in case there was an elephant in the room, I didn't want to miss is.

 

She said there is no elephant. The thought did cross her mind ( about the role reversal ) and she did have some short thoughts about how it may come to my mind ( which it did ) But she doesn't feel bad about me being here and all that.

 

To the person who asked about my use of the term trigger. I wholeheartedly believe that WS's trigger. I've seen her go through it, and it's not fun. It doesn't trigger the kind of hurt that we BS's feel. But it definitely triggers shame, embarrassment, disappointment and regret.

 

And if the roles were reversed, i don't think I'd enjoy those kinds of triggers very much either.

 

I'm glad you reached out to her and expressed yourself. What I've found, is that each time my wife and I go there...go to that level of honesty regarding our hurt and the affair, it helps us grow deeper connected.

 

I hear so many times on here that WS just wish it would all go away. I don't feel like that at all. I don't want to ever forget what I did. I don't ever want it to just disappear. Now, I also don't want it to continue to hurt my wife or myself...but that's not where we are. We are talking through it. If either one of us gets triggered, and I think we both know when a trigger is present, we discuss it instead of ignoring it.

 

Our relationship will never get better if I sit around waiting for it to go away or by pretending triggers aren't present. Triggers happen, but I've also noticed they are becoming less and less.

 

A trigger for myself reminds me of the hurt I inflicted upon my wife and family. It reminds me of what I nearly lost and never want to risk losing again. It reminds me to continue working on myself to be a better partner and mother. It's motivation, not fear.

 

I fully believe the only way to find true reconciliation is to talk and talk and talk some more.

 

Keep talking through it...

[Buckeye2]

You don't know how she thinks. In fact, BS's who are still carrying the baggage pretty much have no idea how a FWS thinks. They assume they think in some permanently evil twisted and permanently flawed way because....well, maybe it's comforting on some level.

 

OP, I applaud you for choosing to have compassion for your wife in spite of her past actions. That says quite a bit about YOUR character.

 

"That says quite a bit about YOUR character" Yes, yes, yes. That's the point. He didn't cheat.

No I don’t know how she or anyone else thinks. I do know that people self-select by their actions. For example if you go into a room of people donating blood you will be more likely to find a nicer group of people than the general population at random. They would tend to be more empathetic to the needs of others than the general population.

[autumnnight]

"That says quite a bit about YOUR character" Yes, yes, yes. That's the point. He didn't cheat.

No I don’t know how she or anyone else thinks. I do know that people self-select by their actions. For example if you go into a room of people donating blood you will be more likely to find a nicer group of people than the general population at random. They would tend to be more empathetic to the needs of others than the general population.

 

Nice spin. I'm just glad the OP believes in redemption and the ability of people to change.

[Buckeye2]

Nice spin. I'm just glad the OP believes in redemption and the ability of people to change.

 

I totally agree with you autumnnight. As you said OP has an outstanding character. So it’s totally random that he didn’t cheat on his wife yet still cares about her feelings after she cheated on him? One has nothing to do with the other?

Edited February 3, 2015 by Buckeye2

[merrmeade]

Maybe Buckeye is right that you're reading more into what she's thinking than she deserves. At any rate, he made me realize I was certainly projecting my own wispy wishes onto your ambiguities. You've presented too many to keep answering with maybes and projections. Since you aren't clear yourself, your question isn't clear. What are you really asking, TTB?

 

You're in the same situation that compromised your wife. Are you triggering yourself or wishing you could succomb? On rereading, I wonder if you're tempted by the situation:

— tons of attractive women here, and unlimited free drinks and everyone has a nice hotel suite, and there isn't a spouse in sight!

—I'm here, and she is now the one at home.

—I wonder if she is worried about what will happen...

—Maybe bringing it up will seem like me trying to clear a guilty conscience?

 

You're all over the place:

I HAVE to believe the irony is not lost on my wife...

I wonder if she is worried...

I'm ... debating whether I should even bring it up.

Maybe she will admit she's hurting and start crying...

Maybe she isn't worried one bit.

Maybe none of that will happen.

Maybe it's all in my head?

...why post this?

 

This is the one that's loaded for me: "Maybe she will admit she's hurting and start crying and make me feel pressure to return early?" What's going on with that fantasy? You're imagining that she'll call you back from temptation? Are you hoping for this to convince you of her remorse, acknowledgement and pledge to you?

 

So what's clear to me now is that nothing is clear to you. What is in your head (and heart) is the real question and one that WE may not be equipped to answer. Asking, "What would you do?" is not why you posted, imo.

 

I would suggest focusing on what are you FEELING and why. What do you want?

But I HAVE to believe the irony is not lost on my wife, whose exact words when I told her where I was headed echoed my own. " Why would they invite you to this?"

 

So I'm here, and she is now the one at home and I wonder if she is worried about what will happen. Obviously there are tons of attractive women here, and unlimited free drinks and everyone has a nice hotel suite, and there isn't a spouse in sight!

 

Now... why post this T&B?

 

Because I'm sitting here debating whether I should even bring it up. Maybe she isn't worried one bit. Maybe bringing it up will seem like me trying to clear a guilty conscience? Maybe she will admit she's hurting and start crying and make me feel pressure to return early? Maybe none of that will happen. Maybe it's all in my head?

 

What would you do? We've got a very good R going.

[autumnnight]

I totally agree with you autumnnight. As you said OP has an outstanding character. So it’s totally random that he didn’t cheat on his wife yet still cares about her feelings after she cheated on him? One has nothing to do with the other?

 

I am going to assume I am not communicating clearly and that you are not being intentionally obtuse. I MEANT that is is entirely possible that his FWW has changed both her behavior and character. You do not believe people can change. I get that. The OP obviously does, so yes, I believe HIS character is superior to the character of a person who does not believe in redemption.