freetolove Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I'm been dating my boyfriend for over a year )on/off. He's always been busy with work. He's the sweetest guy in the world when he's around but he's always working. When I contact him he always response, I can usually visit him at work (he owns a few businesses). But he never reaches out to me ( I can't go two days without calling or contacting him so I don't actually know what would happen if I stop talking to him). We don't talk about the future anymore but I told him a few times that I can see myself with him long term. We also talked about children. He gets hot and cold when we talk about this topics. I'm exhausted and burnt out on chasing him. He know he loves me too, I just don't know what to do now. It's hard to let go of him but it makes sense. It's just tough to start over again.
preraph Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Well, you've taken the lead role here, so I guess he figures he's just along for the ride. Why don't you just stop contacting him and see how long it takes him to contact you and get together without your prodding? 3
smackie9 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 he's hot and cold about the future and you have to initiate contact? He's not that into you. 1
Versacehottie Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 It's hard to let go of him but it makes sense. It's just tough to start over again. So if you don't "change it up" you are agreeing to this treatment. Don't sell yourself short by not being willing to take the risk to with him (making changes) or alone to find someone new. But it sounds like you are clearly dissatisfied. Especially when a guy is a go-getter (in terms of starting his own business, etc) there should be a similar expectation with how he conducts his personal life. I wouldn't say that he's not that into you. But you are doing the majority of the work. Pull back, stop putting such focus on him and see if he rises to the occasion, do your own thing, have your own interests. Even mature, responsible guys can be like kids, ie in that when your focus goes elsewhere besides them, they all of sudden try to win your attention back. If after a certain point, you don't see change in him, I would just say to him that you are thinking about moving on. This is not the relationship you had imagined. Give him fair warning. But make sure it is not worded like an ultimatum (most people do not respond well to those). Basically you want to word it honestly just that you have one thing in mind when you think of a relationship worth investing in and moving forward with and his actions indicate that he values something else. Hopefully you won't get to this point. By the way, the biggest mistake I think people make in relationships is feeling like they have invested so much that they can't/shouldn't start over. There is a point in investing in anything when your return on investment is not worthwhile. You can't be afraid to cut and run in order to get what you want--especially if you have given it a fair chance. It doesn't sound like that is what he is doing by how you have described (well it's hard to tell one way or another). However, you did mention that your own view fits within this. I think you can avoid a lot of heartbreak and wasted time if you adjust your view of "investment". Good luck. 2
Adele0908 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It hurts when things don't go as we want them to. Either you could relax your boundaries/standards and just flow with the situation. Or if you feel strongly that you want more than what he is giving you, then keep moving. If he's not giving you what you want, why abuse yourself by staying? Now, sometimes people are over-anxious about the outcome of the relationship, especially when they really like someone. But that's the kiss of death to a relationship. I try to think of my partners as my playmates. Bringing back a bit of child-like innocence to our time together makes it more pure. That doesn't mean we don't argue or get sick of each other sometimes...but I let my feelings be known instead of bottling them up, the way kids do. We learn to stuff our feelings as adults, which means that we aren't really authentic with our partners and friends. We have to let go of worrying about what other people think and express ourselves. If a person condemns us for our honesty, they aren't really FOR us. Sorry for your painful experience. Just know that experience is how we learn. So try seeing it as a learning experience. 2
Author freetolove Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Thank you so much for the amazing responses. I was fearful of a bunch of you saying "just get over it" but I'm so grateful that you all put so much thought into your responses. This is such a great community. So if you don't "change it up" you are agreeing to this treatment. Don't sell yourself short by not being willing to take the risk to with him (making changes) or alone to find someone new. But it sounds like you are clearly dissatisfied. Especially when a guy is a go-getter (in terms of starting his own business, etc) there should be a similar expectation with how he conducts his personal life. I wouldn't say that he's not that into you. But you are doing the majority of the work. Pull back, stop putting such focus on him and see if he rises to the occasion, do your own thing, have your own interests. Even mature, responsible guys can be like kids, ie in that when your focus goes elsewhere besides them, they all of sudden try to win your attention back. If after a certain point, you don't see change in him, I would just say to him that you are thinking about moving on. This is not the relationship you had imagined. Give him fair warning. But make sure it is not worded like an ultimatum (most people do not respond well to those). Basically you want to word it honestly just that you have one thing in mind when you think of a relationship worth investing in and moving forward with and his actions indicate that he values something else. Hopefully you won't get to this point. By the way, the biggest mistake I think people make in relationships is feeling like they have invested so much that they can't/shouldn't start over. There is a point in investing in anything when your return on investment is not worthwhile. You can't be afraid to cut and run in order to get what you want--especially if you have given it a fair chance. It doesn't sound like that is what he is doing by how you have described (well it's hard to tell one way or another). However, you did mention that your own view fits within this. I think you can avoid a lot of heartbreak and wasted time if you adjust your view of "investment". Good luck. 1
Gaeta Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I had a quick look at your history. This man and you are on and off, that is usually a good indicative it's not meant to be. He lives in another country and his primary concern is business. Is he the same man that the sex with isn't good? Why hang on to something that does not make you happy? Women too often are hanging on to 'what it could be' instead of what it is. What you see is what you get. You deserve much better.
Leigh 87 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 You should NEVER have to chase a man. Men know what they want. Men are simple. If they are really into you - they will make it known. They will initiate regular calls and texts, they wont go days without contact and they will arrange regular dates. Furthermore, men tend to treat you to dinner if they are into you as well... they arrange a date and treat you to a nice meal. You shouldn't be going 50/50. A man is supposed to spoil you and make you feel desirable and special. Of course, it is nice to pay for him every once in a while too, and to also thank him every time he takes you out. I try to better myself, work out more and just generally make it so that I have more options - I am at a stage where I don't need to cling onto men who aren't that into me, or the men who only throw me scraps while they are hanging out for the woman that they are crazy about. It is sad when women settle for this type of "relationship". You deserve better but you clearly don't think you have enough options. Focus on your own life, learn to enjoy being single and try to better yourself and be the best version of "you" - that way, you will have more options and will be less likely to settle. Low options in men = settling for scraps. You can do better.
Author freetolove Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) This is not the bad sex guy. This one we have amazing sex but I can't really get him to commit even though he isn't seeing anyone else. He does spoil me when we are together. He is so sweet when we are together, I have access to his home. He rarely lets me pay for dates, when I tell him I am having a bad day he will console me but again he doesn't reach out or plan dates. I have to keep bugging him to take me out because he works all the time. on our last date, he always says he has so much fun and he feels so lucky to have me. But he whole life is revolved around work. As for the traveling, he is considering staying because his business is doing well so everything is up in the air :/ Its easy for me to find people to date but it's been 10 years since I found someone as special as him which is why I hesitate to let go. Edited February 3, 2015 by freetolove 1
Leigh 87 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 This is not the bad sex guy. This one we have amazing sex but I can't really get him to commit even though he isn't seeing anyone else. He does spoil me when we are together. He is so sweet when we are together, I have access to his home. He rarely lets me pay for dates, when I tell him I am having a bad day he will console me but again he doesn't reach out or plan dates. I have to keep bugging him to take me out because he works all the time. on our last date, he always says he has so much fun and he feels so lucky to have me. But he whole life is revolved around work. As for the traveling, he is considering staying because his business is doing well so everything is up in the air :/ Its easy for me to find people to date but it's been 10 years since I found someone as special as him which is why I hesitate to let go. Thanks for clarifying. It sounds like he really likes you but just not enough to commit. This is common. And you haven't felt this way in ten years? Sadly, it is rarely the guys that WE feel the strongest for, that we end up with. Sad but true. Most of us end up with a really compatible partner who may not get our hearts racing or give us butterflies or "strong" emotions in a romantic sense. It sounds to me like you have found what YOU are looking for in terms of the sex and the strong emotions he evokes - chemistry if you will, is there for you more so than your other partners. Sadly, he just isn't as into you as you are into you. He would make more time/plan a weekly date and not be phased by commitment if he was crazy about you and could see you as long term relationship material. For whatever reason, this guy won't ever commit; if he hasn't already, he won't later. A man knows how he feels about a girl the first time he sleeps with her... if she is someone he can fall head over heels for, someone he can see himself with or someone who is merely FWB material. I know it is hard to let go of the guys we most crave and feel the most strongly for - but it is rare that we will end up with such guys - it is the really "nice guys" who are relationship minded and adore US, who we will most likely settle with. No crazy butterflies or explosive sex - but the men we end up with will be the stable, relationship orientated type who are really into us. It rarely works when a woman settles for a guy who is less into HER than she is into him it rarely works. On the other hand, MOST women end up with the guy who is more into her than SHE is into him - the guy who she doesn't feel fireworks or strong emotions with - but who is the best guy who actually cherishes her. I have decided to remain single as a lifestyle choice since, the men that you are with - the men we actually want the most - aren't often into us sufficiently to warrant them wanting to commit to us in a serious way... You can stay with this guy and accept scraps and he will probably leave you when he meets a woman who really knocks his socks off. Or, you can stay single and wait another 10 years until you find a guy that you "feel" this strongly about. OR, you can date one of the guys who you don't have the explosive sex or fireworks with yet who is actually really into you and wants to commit! You can be happy whatever path you choose; staying with this guy, however, won't lead to anything but heartbreak. He will leave eventually. If he wanted to commit he would have by now. This guy either has commitment issues (maybe 2% of men truly do), or, he just isn't into you enough. I know it is tough to find men who truly get you excited and weak at the knees! But we don't end up with those men unless we are willing to wait years, which I am personally happy to do but you probably want to settle down into a loving relationship like most women do. Please be strong and don't stay with him simply because YOU cannot easily find a man who you are this excited about and in love with - what about HIM? He clearly doesn't feel the same way about you. You will get hurt in the long run. In my entire life, I have only met ONE man who truly could not commit to any woman - he has medically diagnosed depression on a very disturbing level, he sees a psychiatrist and his parents both have serious depression. It is genetic. That is the one man who was crazy about me yet couldn't commit - every other guy who skirted around commitment, is normal and will absolutely commit when they find the woman who knows their socks off. I just don't want to see you hurt later down the line when this guy leaves you or tires of dating someone seriously that he has no drive to commit to. I man knows after about 6 months if you could be " the one" he wants to possibly marry.
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