katielee Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 just can't put my finger on it. It's like walking through life without a safety net. Yet, why can't I be my own safety net? His actions should not matter. Me having peace within myself should. I don't know what the case is - me taking this so hard because there were two betrayals (I really feel we'd be further along with him having just one affair), me feeling crushing guilt because I had the first affair, or childhood abandonment issues. I just wish I felt better. I trust he's not having an affair. But I don't trust he'd maybe like to pursue other women. It's just that practically and socially, divorce would be worse for him. Which means, of course, I don't feel his love. And I'm not sure why. Because he shows it in his way.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Which means, of course, I don't feel his love. And I'm not sure why. Because he shows it in his way. My wife and I have had much discussion about this, the so-called love languages. The different approaches can be a negative - "we're never on the same page" - or a positive "between us, we've got all the bases covered". It usually comes down to each partner valuing the other's contribution. Why isn't "his way" enough? Mr. Lucky 1
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 His way would be great in a normal marriage. I guess I feel more amends should be made. But there is nothing anyone can do to Make up for having an affair. I thought I would stay if our marriage became better afterwards. It didn't. Because it really wasn't that bad to start with. So I'm jumping through emotional hoops for status quo.
purplesorrow Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Maybe it's just a dealbreaker for you even though you don't want it to be. What could he do to make you feel better about staying? My WH made wonderful changes but it just wasn't enough.
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 purple - I think most people would be happy with what I have. Im not sure why I'm not. What could he do - read more (he says it doesn't help), agree to move (he says it won't solve our problems).. But I can't guarantee this would work either. It would just be how I would do it....
purplesorrow Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 purple - I think most people would be happy with what I have. Im not sure why I'm not. What could he do - read more (he says it doesn't help), agree to move (he says it won't solve our problems).. But I can't guarantee this would work either. It would just be how I would do it.... You're not happy because it's not what you want. You seem to be very focused on what you do want. Do you feel you were over the top wanting him to stay but you don't see him putting in that same effort? Knowing him as you do, are your expectations of his response realistic? Are his efforts matching up to how you know him to be? 1
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 You're not happy because it's not what you want. You seem to be very focused on what you do want. Do you feel you were over the top wanting him to stay but you don't see him putting in that same effort? Knowing him as you do, are your expectations of his response realistic? Are his efforts matching up to how you know him to be? I think I'm putting in more effort. I think his response matches up to how I know him. Consequently, I shouldn't expect more. However, it seems like people should get out of their comfort zone and move heaven and earth after an affair. Nope. So, disappointment.
purplesorrow Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I think I'm putting in more effort. I think his response matches up to how I know him. Consequently, I shouldn't expect more. However, it seems like people should get out of their comfort zone and move heaven and earth after an affair. Nope. So, disappointment. I totally understand the disappointment. In response to your efforts, are they what he wants and needs or what you think he wants and needs? You need to pinpoint what you feel can really help you get over this hurdle with him. If you don't know, how can he? 1
HereNorThere Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Ultimately it comes down to this - If you're going to reconcile and be serious about it, you have to genuinely let go of the past. It doesn't matter who did it first or who did it how many times. Right now it's about letting go of all that toxic guilt and shame and working towards a place of trust. It's a choice and more importantly it's a process. Quit wasting your time fighting these stupid battles in your head and enjoy each new moment with appreciation. It sounds like you've both learned a few lessons and are in better places now. Let sleeping dogs lie. 1
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 I totally understand the disappointment. In response to your efforts, are they what he wants and needs or what you think he wants and needs? You need to pinpoint what you feel can really help you get over this hurdle with him. If you don't know, how can he? oh yes! he sees me read, go to IC, schedule a marriage retreat. I am more strict with myself. That is the kind of spouse I want to be and will be, no matter what kind of spouse he is. How I feel - that I'm not his priority. But perhaps my bar is just way too high for him. I don't know.
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Quit wasting your time fighting these stupid battles in your head and enjoy each new moment with appreciation. It sounds like you've both learned a few lessons and are in better places now. Let sleeping dogs lie. It's not a stupid battle. It's real. You're very insulting. If I'm still feeling unsettled its not a sleeping dog.
Confused48 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's just that practically and socially, divorce would be worse for him. This says it all for me. If that is the reason why he is staying, then that is a huge problem. No one wants to be with someone for that kind of reason. Especially if that someone cheated on them. You are left with a guy that cheated twice, thinks about other women even now and the only reason he does not act on that is fear of D. He would prefer to have someone else but stays for reasons other than love for you. Is this kind of relationship worth giving up your need to move? 1
MJJean Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 purple - I think most people would be happy with what I have. Im not sure why I'm not. What could he do - read more (he says it doesn't help), agree to move (he says it won't solve our problems).. But I can't guarantee this would work either. It would just be how I would do it.... Maybe it isn't the marriage that's really the problem. Maybe you're lacking something somewhere else in your life and just doing what so many do and looking at the marriage as the problem when it's really something more to do with you as an individual and what you are missing in your personal life outside of your marital relationship. You want to move. Why? You want your H to read more. Why? Both of those things are escapes either to or from something. So, why are you restless? What are you looking for? What is it you really hope moving or reading more would change? Maybe your expectations of marriage are too high. Some people have a hard time when "happily ever after" turns out to be "content most of the time, miserable some of the time, and happy here and there". Just some food for thought. 1
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) This says it all for me. If that is the reason why he is staying, then that is a huge problem. No one wants to be with someone for that kind of reason. Especially if that someone cheated on them. You are left with a guy that cheated twice, thinks about other women even now and the only reason he does not act on that is fear of D. He would prefer to have someone else but stays for reasons other than love for you. Is this kind of relationship worth giving up your need to move? confused - I could be assuming all this. He has said these things about not wanting divorce. But he also mentions loving me and wanting to spend his life with me too. Edited February 3, 2015 by katielee additional phrase
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 It's not a stupid battle. It's real. You're very insulting. If I'm still feeling unsettled its not a sleeping dog. I'd gently suggest you missed his point. Having both cheated, you're in a challenging place as a couple. Perhaps his reticence to engage on your terms is based on his own similar dissatisfaction with your actions? Maybe you're not meeting his less well communicated expectations either. Would it be strange to hear him say "Because SHE shows it in HER way"? Given what you both bring to the table, you're going to have to define as a couple how you'll move forward. Certainly you both have well-earned hurts and resentments. The degree to which you can set those aside is a pretty good predictor of future success... Mr. Lucky 2
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Maybe it isn't the marriage that's really the problem. Maybe you're lacking something somewhere else in your life and just doing what so many do and looking at the marriage as the problem when it's really something more to do with you as an individual and what you are missing in your personal life outside of your marital relationship. You want to move. Why? You want your H to read more. Why? Both of those things are escapes either to or from something. So, why are you restless? What are you looking for? What is it you really hope moving or reading more would change? Maybe your expectations of marriage are too high. Some people have a hard time when "happily ever after" turns out to be "content most of the time, miserable some of the time, and happy here and there". Just some food for thought. I've thought of exactly this. I have a huge personal life. I have done everything on my bucket list. perhaps I DO have too big an expectation of marriage. The moving thing, though, would only be because I trigger so badly seeing either OW. Reading? I want to know if he is a safe person for me to be with. I'd like to see more effort from him SHOWING me this.
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Maybe you're not meeting his less well communicated expectations either. Would it be strange to hear him say "Because SHE shows it in HER way"? Mr. Lucky he has told me I'm meeting all of his expectations. He has said, "you don't need to try so hard. I see you working hard and I feel safe with you."
Confused48 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 confused - I could be assuming all this. He has said these things about not wanting divorce. But he also mentions loving me and wanting to spend his life with me too. What else would he say if he was terribly afraid of D? Don't go by what they say, go by what they do. His not moving or even reading, that is not a good sign. His looking at other women, whoa! I think you have good reason to feel the way you do. perhaps I DO have too big an expectation of marriage. The moving thing, though, would only be because I trigger so badly seeing either OW. It never sat well with me that he would not move considering your reasons for requesting it. 1
MJJean Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I've thought of exactly this. I have a huge personal life. I have done everything on my bucket list. perhaps I DO have too big an expectation of marriage. The moving thing, though, would only be because I trigger so badly seeing either OW. Reading? I want to know if he is a safe person for me to be with. I'd like to see more effort from him SHOWING me this. Maybe you're fighting a battle on two fronts. First, you have a full life and have completed your bucket list. Well, now what? Maybe you simply need something new and exciting to look forward to doing. And second, you seem to be feeling insecure. When we were having a rough patch I was feeling very insecure an doing all kinds of dances trying to get my DH to say and do things that would make me feel secure. All efforts failed. I eventually resorted to telling him I was insecure, why, and what I needed him to specifically do and say to make me feel secure. That worked much better. 1
xxoo Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 But I don't trust he'd maybe like to pursue other women. It's just that practically and socially, divorce would be worse for him. Are these two things true, or your fears? What does he say about these fears when you express them?
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 He has said that he'd be embarrassed if we divorced. He seems more interested in Other woman than before my affair. I could tell you the exact day that started, the day before met OW1. I saw it happen and thought WTH? However, it seems much better now. I've asked if he has someone on deck in case we go south. He denies it. That is not my gut feeling though. I would like up be in a position to not care about all this. But hoping for the best is not the same as trust, knowing someone has your back...
xxoo Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 He has said that he'd be embarrassed if we divorced. He seems more interested in Other woman than before my affair. I could tell you the exact day that started, the day before met OW1. I saw it happen and thought WTH? However, it seems much better now. I've asked if he has someone on deck in case we go south. He denies it. That is not my gut feeling though. I would like up be in a position to not care about all this. But hoping for the best is not the same as trust, knowing someone has your back... None of that is comforting. Does he admit that he'd prefer to be with someone else, but the embarrassment of divorce stops him? Or does he express that you are his first choice for a partner? Granted, if my spouse cheated on me, I'd probably be taking a hard look around and doing a lot of comparison, too, in the beginning. But at this point in the reconciliation, after his own affairs, it's a different story. 1
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 He has said I am his first choice!!
Confused48 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 He has said I am his first choice!! I would not even ask. What else is he going to say? Even if he were not afraid of D, if even just to spare your feelings. What else would he say........ If he won't move, if he won't read, if he does not walk around with blinders on like you are the only female on the earth.... that says more. 2
Author katielee Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 if he does not walk around with blinders on like you are the only female on the earth.... that says more. See this is just it. I think after two affairs you don't get to notice other attractive females. Ship sailed. 1
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