Victimology of the betrayed spouse??? What do BS's have in common?

[oldshirt]

We talk a lot about traits, characteristics, motivations and methods of WSs here, but a recent thread ("single or cuckhold") brought up certain traits and characteristics that he assumed would put someone at high risk to be cheated on and it got me wondering about the victimology of the BSs.

 

While we all know that anyone and everyone can be cheated on, just like anyone can be the victim of a crime, but are there certain traits and characteristics and behaviors that can make someone more predisposed to being cheated than someone who does not share those traits and behaviors.

 

So if we were going to make a list of traits, behaviors, beliefs etc that many BSs share in common - what would all be on that list?

 

In otherwords, let's focus on the BSs here for a moment - other than a cheating spouse, what do they have in common with enough regularity that one could assume it would put them at a higher risk than the general populace?

[bathtub-row]

Interesting post. Some things that immediately come to my mind are:

 

A-sexual people

People who will not divorce for any reason

People with few or limited options

People devoted to their lifestyles

People who trust with absolute conviction

People who persist in a bad relationship

People with religious beliefs that don't allow divorces

Women who are perpetually naive

[gettingstronger]

Trust

That's probably what we all have in common. I never checked up on my husband, that made it easier for him to betray himself and me.

[JohnAdams]

I think anyone can become a BS. So, not too sure if there are common traits other than we are all humans. Some of the traits that may cause someone to become a BS is too much trust, not giving your spouse enough of your time, not paying attention to the details of what your spouse is doing until it is too late.

[Confused48]

People that are trusting of others, that assume the best of others intentions.

 

People that are honest themselves, tending to believe others are as well.

 

People that live up to their commitments, no matter how hard that may be and expect others to do so as well.

 

People that think that there is more good in the world than evil.

[bigman1]

Interesting topic, but I would agree with Mr. JA, it can happen to anyone. Halle Berry-Betrayed. Princess Di- Betrayed and wayward. Literally, it can be anyone.

 

I think a more appropriate question is what type of traits to spouses who exist in limbo have, or what type of traits do spouses who have multiple Ddays and remain have, or those who have been cheated on by different people have, if any.

[oldshirt]

 

I think a more appropriate question is what type of traits to spouses who exist in limbo have, or what type of traits do spouses who have multiple Ddays and remain have, or those who have been cheated on by different people have, if any.

 

That is a very good point and a good point of differentiation.

 

However I am still interested in the victimology of the betrayed in the first place. Are there some common traits that may predispose some people to being cheated on more than others?

 

I would some discussion addressing the cheating in the first place, but yes, a discussion on what makes some people completely walked on and manipulated is probably a more worthy discussion in the long run.

[jm2013]

1 - I'm an attractive guy

2 - I work a lot. I enjoy having good things and will do what I have to and obtain them.

3 - I am loyal

4 - I open my heart to the right person

5 - I am social and outgoing

 

As a BS I think my issue was an emotional gap the OM filled while I was emotionally absent building a business. I soaked many hours of hard work into a dream and made it real while she was screwing OM. I realize I can do much better than her. I also realized how many flaws my wife has which is even more of a turn off. OM can go back to screwing her again.

[Sub]

I think the "trusting" quality is probably the most common. It's easy to take advantage of someone who trusts you implicitly. Maybe people who are non-confrontational.

 

I may agree with the "naive" comment. But really, I think any of the players in these scenarios - BS, WS, AP - are usually pretty naive in some regard.

[Davey L]

I was terribly ashamed after my wife's affair, thinking it was some characteristic of me that caused it, that I wasn't good enough in some way or another. I was certainly too ashamed to tell anybody at all until I came on this site 18 years later.

 

Now however I think there is a trait that lets the WS get away with it, and that is gullibility. I believed her when she said it was an "accident", that it was just the once, that she still loved me etc. I was too gullible and believed it all. It was gullibility that let her bamboozle me another time and give her the benefit of my doubt. It was gullibility that meant I didn't realise what was going on when all the pieces of the jigsaw were in my head, only putting the pieces together 10 years later with a shocking realisation of the depth of betrayal.

[autumnnight]

I think anyone can be betrayed, just like anyone can be wayward. As much as people would like to think differently, there is no "evil gene" or "victim gene" that defines someone.

 

I do think you can see patterns in some marriages that might make an affair more likely, but I'm not about to touch that with a ten foot pole.

[oldshirt]

I think anyone can be betrayed, just like anyone can be wayward. As much as people would like to think differently, there is no "evil gene" or "victim gene" that defines someone.

 

I do think you can see patterns in some marriages that might make an affair more likely, but I'm not about to touch that with a ten foot pole.

 

I agree there is no gene or singular trait that defines people and condemns them to either of life of cheating or of being cheated on.

 

I do however think that examining traits, patterns and behaviors of BSs has merit. IMHO the ten foot poles should be put away and those traits and patterns be discussed.

 

I know some will fear "blaming the victim" or excusing the perpetrator, but if those things aren't discussed, they are more likely to continue.

[gettingstronger]

I know some will fear "blaming the victim" or excusing the perpetrator, but if those things aren't discussed, they are more likely to continue.

 

 

Well, without WS there would be no BS- so maybe if you can figure out why people cheat you would not see a continuation of infidelity-

[stillafool]

Definitely people who are too trusting and expect people to live up to their promises the way they do. These people get cheated on. Most BSs are just too nice and trusting.

[JohnAdams]

Well, without WS there would be no BS- so maybe if you can figure out why people cheat you would not see a continuation of infidelity-

 

 

Yes, the big question is why people have such a strong desire to cheat that they are willing to lose everything. In biblical times and still today in some countries, you can be punished by death for adultery. Yet, people are willing to take the chance of dying to cheat. Today, the punishment if any is not as harsh, perhaps losing your family, your stability, your life as you know it. It must be worth it? If there is such a strong desire to cheat, then certainly divorce is an option that at least leaves you with some honor. Some who cheat are just self destructive. They have reached a point they do not care if they destroy themselves and all around them.

Edited February 3, 2015 by JohnAdams

[badkarma2013]

1 - I'm an attractive guy

2 - I work a lot. I enjoy having good things and will do what I have to and obtain them.

3 - I am loyal

4 - I open my heart to the right person

5 - I am social and outgoing

 

As a BS I think my issue was an emotional gap the OM filled while I was emotionally absent building a business. I soaked many hours of hard work into a dream and made it real while she was screwing OM. I realize I can do much better than her. I also realized how many flaws my wife has which is even more of a turn off. OM can go back to screwing her again.

 

*******************************************************************

 

Really understand your post....I posted this the other day...still applies:

 

Life is just plain unfair.

 

Bad things happen to good people.

 

Good things happen to bad people.

 

We all take blows we should never have to take.

 

You can be the most virtuous person with the highest character and things will happen to you that you don't deserve.

 

At the same time, some of the biggest scumbags will walk between the raindrops.

 

Live your life expecting fairness, and you will end up getting eaten alive. Don't ever expect your character to make a difference. After 50 some odd adult years seeing people at their best and worst, I have long ago lost my belief in karma.

-unknown

 

 

Maybe its that simple.....

[MissBee]

I don't think there are common traits that predispose someone to being cheated on frankly.

 

Like another poster mentioned though, there may be common traits among those who stay after multiple ddays or for those who are with serial cheaters. Namely, one such trait is ignoring the writing on the wall during dating or believing you can change someone.

 

Other than that, for someone to cheat on you , I don't think there are any common character or personality traits necessary or that can define such a group. The group can be anyone, I think identifiable traits are more relevant in terms of the aforementioned things like BSs who endure multiple ddays and/or a serial cheater.

[waterwoman]

Common traits to first time BS? I dont think there are any TBH - that is all on the WS. Common traits to spouses who are betrayed more than once - I guess that is naivety and wishful thinking. Once bitten twice shy as they say.

[Emilia]

From what I've seen I'd say naivety is the biggest part. People don't look at the character of the person they date and marry, quite often. They look at behaviour strictly in relation to how a particular action makes them feel (she cooks and cleans for me, she must care, he buys me dinner and doesn't demand sex, he must care) but they don't look at the larger picture. ie whether the guy always puts himself first or always blames others and resorts to little digs and passive aggressive behaviour to justify himself, focuses on self-pity, is controlling, narcisist, etc.

 

It has nothing to do with trust. There is no cause and effect between cheating and people not going through their spouse's phone. There is a correlation between not facing the hard truth about your partner's true character and paying the price for it later though, IMO.

 

An example is a colleague of mine: her ex-husband cheated on her, he is also a controlling guy who makes his new girlfriend look after the kids they had in the marriage and he only has them one day a week. So clearly he is a selfish guy. She keeps getting screwed over by guys because she is 'perpetually naive' as a poster put it here. Some people are more likely to be victims than others, yes because they don't look after their own interests very well.

[almond]

From what I've seen I'd say naivety is the biggest part. People don't look at the character of the person they date and marry, quite often. They look at behaviour strictly in relation to how a particular action makes them feel (she cooks and cleans for me, she must care, he buys me dinner and doesn't demand sex, he must care) but they don't look at the larger picture. ie whether the guy always puts himself first or always blames others and resorts to little digs and passive aggressive behaviour to justify himself, focuses on self-pity, is controlling, narcisist, etc.

 

It has nothing to do with trust. There is no cause and effect between cheating and people not going through their spouse's phone. There is a correlation between not facing the hard truth about your partner's true character and paying the price for it later though, IMO.

 

An example is a colleague of mine: her ex-husband cheated on her, he is also a controlling guy who makes his new girlfriend look after the kids they had in the marriage and he only has them one day a week. So clearly he is a selfish guy. She keeps getting screwed over by guys because she is 'perpetually naive' as a poster put it here. Some people are more likely to be victims than others, yes because they don't look after their own interests very well.

 

Agreed.

 

I disagree that trusting your partner encourages them to cheat on you, and I don't even feel that this is a trait that BS's have in common.

 

Allowing yourself to be disrespected and neglected is one thing...but trust is something completely different.

 

As Emilia outlined - I think naivety is more accurate.

[Justanaverageguy]

From what I've seen I'd say naivety is the biggest part. People don't look at the character of the person they date and marry, quite often. They look at behaviour strictly in relation to how a particular action makes them feel (she cooks and cleans for me, she must care, he buys me dinner and doesn't demand sex, he must care) but they don't look at the larger picture. ie whether the guy always puts himself first or always blames others and resorts to little digs and passive aggressive behaviour to justify himself, focuses on self-pity, is controlling, narcisist, etc.

 

Agree. People project the type of person they want their partner to be based on the emotions they feel for them - rather then actually seeing the cold hard facts about who they really are. It's amazing how many people who are cheated on look back and go ..... wow I really should have seen that coming there were so many red flags in the persons character. But as they say love is blind. People see what they want to see based on the emotions they feel - they only see the truth when the "love" wears off.

 

I will add however that specific behaviors of a partner really do make it far more likely for them to be cheated on. Particularly in Men. Weakness in men is like an attraction retardant for women. Not being confident, assertive will result in either being cheated on or your partner leaving you. Sure you can have those two things and still be left or cheated on - but take them away and its almost a guarantee.

[purplesorrow]

Agree. People project the type of person they want their partner to be based on the emotions they feel for them - rather then actually seeing the cold hard facts about who they really are. It's amazing how many people who are cheated on look back and go ..... wow I really should have seen that coming there were so many red flags in the persons character. But as they say love is blind. People see what they want to see based on the emotions they feel - they only see the truth when the "love" wears off.

 

I will add however that specific behaviors of a partner really do make it far more likely for them to be cheated on. Particularly in Men. Weakness in men is like an attraction retardant for women. Not being confident, assertive will result in either being cheated on or your partner leaving you. Sure you can have those two things and still be left or cheated on - but take them away and its almost a guarantee.

 

Yep! Anyone can be cheated on.

[gettingstronger]

Allowing yourself to be disrespected and neglected is one thing...but trust is something completely different.

 

 

I did not "allow" this- I trusted my husband, if I was the type of person to check his phone, etc.. he would not have been able to respond to her advances or meet up on business- when I found out about the A, I had a list of what he needed to do to earn back my trust-was I disrespected and neglected, you bet-did I allow it- no way!

[elaine567]

I have a feeling that anyone can be cheated upon and that the traits of each group cheater and the betrayed are independent of the other.

Big macho alpha males who keep their wives on short leashes get cheated on, and so do little mousy doormat women who leave their husband to do whatever he wants. Nasty controlling abusive people get cheated on and so do nice well rounded caring people.

These same people may NOT be cheated on too, it all depends on their spouse.

 

If the betrayed spouse is gullible and trusting, then that is no problem if they are married to a straightforward honest spouse. I do not believe being trusting and gullible makes it more likely a spouse will cheat.

The fly in the ointment here is the person who is determined to disrupt the marriage by cheating instead of, owning up to the fact they do not want to be monogamous or addressing marital issues or walking away.

 

I do however feel that being trusting and gullible and allowing the spouse to walk all over them is a trait seen in those who allow their spouse to cheat again and again. But I am not in their marriage, the dynamics may be more complicated, sometimes I believe it is possible to accept infidelity in exchange for other benefits of a marriage.

[Emilia]

Everyone can get cheated on but some people are treated badly by more partners than others. I think a few people learn interesting important lessons in their 20s but there are many that don't. As a general example: women who let men control them or view narcistic tendencies as 'alpha' are more prone to being crapped on, I think.