Not sure how I feel about a girl, but I'm tired of being afraid to ask

February 2, 2015

Hey everyone,

So I've been speaking recently to a girl that I've liked for a couple years now. I've been single for a bit longer than that (got out of a 1-year relationship back in the spring of 2013) and I haven't been on any dates since, so I'm pretty rusty. She just got out of a relationship with her on-and-off boyfriend of several years (red flag) because he was doing drugs and she had enough of it (red flag).

Now I kind of like this girl, but I'm not 100% sure. I mean, there are all the red flags that I pointed out for one thing, but I also asked this girl out a couple years ago and she rejected it. What's weird is that, lately, she's become much more friendly than usual and sometimes flirty. We usually hang out on weekends but only once one-on-one. I can't seem to gauge what I should do here. I mean, there are the obvious red flags that are there (her dog just died, too, so asking her out now isn't the best time.)

But at the same time, I'm really frustrated. I've had almost no luck when it comes to actually trying to date anyone (either rejection or zero interest shown whatsoever) and I'm tired of being afraid of asking girls out. My last relationship was really bad. It caused me to have severe anxiety attacks for months and I'm fairly certain that it scarred me somewhat. I've gone to therapy for years about it, so I have a better understanding of myself and why I went through what I went through.

This girl is very sweet and kind, but like I said, I just don't know what to do here. There are a lot of things telling me that dating her aren't a good idea right now, but I don't want to be making excuses for myself to avoid dating yet again. I'm 28, she's 23.

Truthfully, I can't tell if I'm doing the right thing here by taking my time or if I'm being smart about seeing all of these red flags and avoiding taking this beyond friendship. I feel pretty lost right now, but I'm so sick of being stuck in this rut of sorts. Am I right in avoiding this one, or should I give it a shot? I don't get many opportunities with dating these days, so I'm not sure if I should just try this to get in practice or avoid it until another girl comes along.

February 2, 2015

Hey everyone,

So I've been speaking recently to a girl that I've liked for a couple years now. I've been single for a bit longer than that (got out of a 1-year relationship back in the spring of 2013) and I haven't been on any dates since, so I'm pretty rusty. She just got out of a relationship with her on-and-off boyfriend of several years (red flag) because he was doing drugs and she had enough of it (red flag).

Now I kind of like this girl, but I'm not 100% sure. I mean, there are all the red flags that I pointed out for one thing, but I also asked this girl out a couple years ago and she rejected it. What's weird is that, lately, she's become much more friendly than usual and sometimes flirty. We usually hang out on weekends but only once one-on-one. I can't seem to gauge what I should do here. I mean, there are the obvious red flags that are there (her dog just died, too, so asking her out now isn't the best time.)

But at the same time, I'm really frustrated. I've had almost no luck when it comes to actually trying to date anyone (either rejection or zero interest shown whatsoever) and I'm tired of being afraid of asking girls out. My last relationship was really bad. It caused me to have severe anxiety attacks for months and I'm fairly certain that it scarred me somewhat. I've gone to therapy for years about it, so I have a better understanding of myself and why I went through what I went through.

This girl is very sweet and kind, but like I said, I just don't know what to do here. There are a lot of things telling me that dating her aren't a good idea right now, but I don't want to be making excuses for myself to avoid dating yet again. I'm 28, she's 23.

Truthfully, I can't tell if I'm doing the right thing here by taking my time or if I'm being smart about seeing all of these red flags and avoiding taking this beyond friendship. I feel pretty lost right now, but I'm so sick of being stuck in this rut of sorts. Am I right in avoiding this one, or should I give it a shot? I don't get many opportunities with dating these days, so I'm not sure if I should just try this to get in practice or avoid it until another girl comes along.

Stop analysing it to death and ask her out for a coffee for a start, she doesn't need to be the love of your life for you to ask her out, and if she says no then you have found out how she feels, and you don't have to spend the next two years wondering what if...

If she says yes then just relax and enjoy the coffee.

Stay in the moment and see where it takes you.

February 2, 2015

Out of all the concerns you mentioned the only one that seems like a potential problem to me is that she just recently broke up with her on-off boyfriend. Are they really broken up for good, or is she still likely to go back to him again? It might be better to wait a bit on asking her out.

February 3, 2015

Listen to those red flags and stay away.

February 3, 2015

There are a lot of things telling me that dating her aren't a good idea right now

Concerning this particular girl you like, she is definitely not a good idea to pursue for anything romantic. You pointed out some big red flags. The biggest being her tolerating her ex-boyfriend's drug abuse. She likes drama, the very bad kind of drama. Don't ignore them. Just keep her as a friend.

I've had almost no luck when it comes to actually trying to date anyone (either rejection or zero interest shown whatsoever) and I'm tired of being afraid of asking girls out.

You are combining rejection and your fear of asking girls out, when in reality they are mutually exclusive. Women reject men all the time. Sometimes for legitimate reasons, sometimes for fickle reasons. Men do the same to women. You have to understand that this fear of asking a woman out to a date is a barrier your place on yourself. You have to think positive about all outcomes. A woman that rejects you or shows no interest is a woman you do not have to waste time and energy on. There is nothing you can do to change that, so you move on to the next woman. You should adopt this positive mentality. The sooner you ask out a woman, the sooner you can determine if she is worth your time or not.

February 3, 2015

Yes there are red flags here, but if the OP doesn't ask her out now then he may spend the next 2 years wondering...

February 3, 2015

Thanks for all the responses. And believe me, when it comes to this girl, I'm way more concerned about all of the bad signs then actually dating this girl. This was more of an affirmation that I should definitely wait this one out or just let go of it completely. She is very sweet but this has trouble written all over it right now. Being friends with her in particular isn't a problem at all with me.

I don't get many opportunities to date girls these days as I'm always working or keeping busy. OLD has been a waste of time because nothing has come of it over the last two years. That's probably why I feel like I'd be settling for this girl and all of the problems that may come along. It's more frustration than anything else.. Over 2 years of involuntary celibacy can get to you.

February 3, 2015

Poor timing because her dog died? I know you also gave other reasons, but at some level, I think you're looking for any reason or excuse not to ask women out.

There is no legitimate reason why in two years you haven't asked a woman out. Heck, even convicts in prison manage to secure girlfriends while sitting behind bars. I would engage in a little self-examination to understand why you're so hesitant to even try. Maybe it's fear of rejection? Fear of having your heart broken? Fear of emotional intimacy or vulnerability? We can't tell you why. But if you were really interested in dating, you would find ways to come in contact with women on a regular basis, routinely engage them, and ask them out. Instead it's excuses about work, dying dogs, etc. I'm curious. Are you planning to wait until retirement in your sixties to take a more proactive approach to finding someone?

February 3, 2015

In my opinion, since you asked her out before and she rejected you, you don't ask her out again. If she has changed her mind on that, and I doubt it, it's up to her to be clear she's changed her mind. She's probably just now able to reunite with friends because she probably wasn't able to see all of her friends (male) while she was with that guy, so that probably explains her presence. But if you don't have any reason to keep her around, just tell her you're busy. Most women if they reject you once, it means they are just not attracted to you and that usually will not change. Plus you have all these concerns, so I get you're getting lonely and -- well, lonely, but jeez, sometimes that's just a fact of life we have to learn to live with.

But do get out there and socialize with others. You're too young to fold it up.

February 3, 2015

In my opinion, since you asked her out before and she rejected you, you don't ask her out again. If she has changed her mind on that, and I doubt it, it's up to her to be clear she's changed her mind. She's probably just now able to reunite with friends because she probably wasn't able to see all of her friends (male) while she was with that guy, so that probably explains her presence.

Couldn't agree more. I feel like it's up to her to make a move now, but I don't expect her to make one. Like I said, I really have no problem staying just friends.

February 3, 2015

Poor timing because her dog died? I know you also gave other reasons, but at some level, I think you're looking for any reason or excuse not to ask women out.

There is no legitimate reason why in two years you haven't asked a woman out. Heck, even convicts in prison manage to secure girlfriends while sitting behind bars. I would engage in a little self-examination to understand why you're so hesitant to even try. Maybe it's fear of rejection? Fear of having your heart broken? Fear of emotional intimacy or vulnerability? We can't tell you why. But if you were really interested in dating, you would find ways to come in contact with women on a regular basis, routinely engage them, and ask them out. Instead it's excuses about work, dying dogs, etc. I'm curious. Are you planning to wait until retirement in your sixties to take a more proactive approach to finding someone?

The last woman he was in a relationship with was so terrible, the experience made him go to therapy. That's a damn pretty good reason why he hasn't dated in two years. Crazy relationships mess people up. It can take awhile to get over the experience. This guy is well aware of red flags now -- warning signs that he sees in women. He should listen to those instincts.

If he has to date someone, then he should look for someone "safer".

February 3, 2015

Whoa Angel eyes, calm it. When I dated while I was younger, I rushed into things despite any obvious flags making themselves known. I'm way, way more hesitant these days I'll admit. But my last ex lied to me, talked to guys who made it glaringly obvious that they wanted to meet/screw on the side, and even took money from me. I'm trying to avoid stupid decisions again, not dating as a whole. But with that comes a more mature way of approaching things that I'm not used to handling.

And I have pplenty of friends that are girls, and some have shown interest in me, but I haven't been attracted to them at all. This girl seems to have been the only one I've met in the last two years that I've been attracted to. However, she reminds me of past gfs, which is why I'm extremely hesitant.

February 3, 2015

You're totally missing my point! Why aren't you placing yourself in situations where you meet other women that you can engage, get to know, and ask out.

Right now, you're being completely passive. None of the women around you are dating material. I get that. But what exactly are you doing to change that? From your posts it sounds like nothing. Hence my comment somewhat tongue-in-cheek about whether you were waiting until you retired to become more proactive about dating.

February 4, 2015

You're totally missing my point! Why aren't you placing yourself in situations where you meet other women that you can engage, get to know, and ask out.

Right now, you're being completely passive. None of the women around you are dating material. I get that. But what exactly are you doing to change that? From your posts it sounds like nothing. Hence my comment somewhat tongue-in-cheek about whether you were waiting until you retired to become more proactive about dating.

Fair enough. My mistake. I do want to place myself in more social situations (outside of the usual friend parties/bar scene) but I've been having difficulty finding things I want to do, or any real ideas for that matter. I've considered volunteer work, New hobbies, etc., but my work hours are awful (9-6) and I work out a lot so I never get home until 8pm on weekdays.

I'll admit that I'm most likely avoiding a serious pursuit for two reasons - A. I am afraid of rejection for sure, but also B. Every girl I meet I automatically assume the worst and don't pursue.

This is something I probably still have to work on, or just bite the bullet and stop being afraid. I'm still not really sure if it's a fear of rejection or just wanting to avoid more disappointment in my life. Im alreasy unhappy as it is with where I live and work, and my efforts to change either have not panned out. Most likely I should still focus on those things before I even consider a relationship, but like I said before I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired lol. I'm hoping something gives soon. It's been a bad couple of years. Just found out a family pet has to be put down today. Ugh.

I used to rely on relationships to make me happier when I was younger. Now I want to avoid doing that again. It's just tough.

And an update on this girl - it popped up on my FB feed that she is still talking to her ex. So I've thrown in the towel on that idea. That's something I don't think I could handle, even if she does still like me.

One day at a time. That's how I need to take everything right now.

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Not sure how I feel about a girl, but I'm tired of being afraid to ask

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