Ex GF Won't go away and How do I (as the new GF) get past her and his relationship?

[BBKitty]

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I have a situation and I'm not sure what to do. When I met my current BF of 10 months he was in a relationship with his Ex-GF from high school. here's the scoop on their background...

 

They dated in high-school for about one year. They were each other's first love and "first" everything. She left to live in another state abruptly (he later found out that she was being abused by her step-father). She told him the night before that she was moving away and basically left him broken hearted and crying at the airport with no explanation. The kept in touch for about 7 months and things slowly faded away. They both eventually married and then also divorced. They attempted a long distance relationship about 5-6 years later, again the day before he was planning to go and move her back, she broke things off abruptly on the phone.

 

They did not have contact again for over 10 years, then in the fall of 2003 she contacted him. She is married with 2 kids and he was in a LTR. They started chatting and talking and basically declared to each other that they were still in love. He had always felt that she was the ONLY person that he was meant to be with. He blamed himself for the breakups and always thought that he had done something wrong or that he didn't measure up... He has written poetry to her, songs about her and to her over the past 20 years. He actually had an entire book of his poems for her. Over the course of the 9 months that they were "reconciled" she came to see him twice and they made plans for her to eventually leave her husband. He told everyone around him and constantly told her that SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE for him.. They exchanged rings as a symbol of their love etc... He swore he could not be happy without her.

 

As the months rolled by, it became obvious to my BF that she really had no intentions of leaving and he didn't want to wait around for another 10 years being lonely. So he decided to start dating again... well enter ME!!! We met each other (I didn't know of her existence until later) and fell very hard, VERY QUICKLY. Within 2 weeks of our meeting, she called his cell phone and he basically broke things off.

 

He now declares that I am the one he is meant to be with, that I am that one that he loves and wants... He has told me that the past 9 months that they spent communication was finally a healing for him and that he was able to realize that she wasn't the person he had "dreamed" about and that he was finally able to see her for who she really is (very drama laden and manipulative).

 

Here's the problem/concern - SHE WONT GO AWAY. She has attempted to stay in touch with his mother and oldest daughter from his 1st marriage. She met his daughter the few times she came to visit and is using that relationship as an excuse keep tabs on the family. His oldest daughter is recovering from AML (cancer) and she uses the health concerns as a reason to keep writing etc.

 

About 3 months ago, I discovered that his mother was upset with me over something (very trivial) and that his mother contacted the exgf and was basically "talking shyt" about me to her... I promptly inserted myself in the middle of that and put a stop to it. Now his mother and daughter claim they want no contact with her (for my sake, otherwise I think they'd talk weekly). I have told them all that I don't care if they have contact with each other... I'm just not willing to let myself be used as a means to "push buttons" on either side.. me or the Ex.

 

The exgf is now emailing me and wanting updates on the daughter through me.... I actually ended up chatting with her yesterday for about an hour. The women is obsessed and WON'T go away... Of course I could block her emails etc, but then she'd eventually turn back to his mother for communication and it's VERY clear to me that his mother can't be trusted with personal information...

 

So, do I keep communicating? It's annoying, and it brings up issues for me... I still have the questions in the back of my mind as to whether of HE is over her.. their drama spanned 20 years and he swore to everyone over those years that she was his one and only true love. How do I believe now that I'm the one and only. I have to say, he does nothing to make me feel any differently.... these are my "demons" and insecurities.... I just wish she would go away and let us live our lives and I wish his mother could be trusted and behave herself.

 

Now the Ex is coming to town in June and is claiming that she's separated from her husband. She has always made the statement that if he were to have to see her face to face.... he would change his mind and go back to her. I'm afraid she's either going to just show up or cause some sort of scene. He DOESN'T want to see her. I wonder if that's because he's afraid to see her, or does he just really NOT want to see her because he's done with that... As you can see I have much baggage with this and LOT's of questions.... SIGH

[RoxStar]

Keep your friends close but your enemys closer. Maybe you should befriend this woman and while doing so let her know that she should tread lightly. It doesnt sound as if you will be able to do anything about her contacting his mother and daughter. Is she coming to town in June to proclaim her love for your BF? Have you discussed your amount of concern with your BF? Might I ask - just out of pure curiosity - how old is this woman and how old is your BF?

 

Its a tough situation but I would kill'er with kindness, be sweet and charming. Become friendly with her and maybe you will be able to see what her intention is. Remember you get more bees with honey then with vinegar.

[Merin]

While I can understand how annoying this must be for you.. the thing to keep in mind here is this..

 

From what you've said your BF isn't trying to maintain contact with her or seek her out in any way.

While I can understand how un-nerving it is for his Mother and Daughter to remain in contact with her.. it isn't his mother or daughter who are dating you.

 

It seems from what you've said here that your BF is over this and it is YOU he wants in his life.. he hasn't made any attemts at being with her..

 

So with that said.. I would cease making her a topic of conversation any longer.. IF she emails you again regarding anything, don't respond. IF his mother or daughter bring her up with you be cool but firm here in saying it isn't a topic of converstation you're willing to have any longer.