bigmac78 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) Hi there, totally new to this forum but have taken a bit of comfort having found this and realising that I am not alone in my pain. So the abridged version of why I am here is as follows. Met a girl, spent 7 years with girl, in which time we got engaged and had a child who is now 3 years old. One day the ex woke up and told me she didn't love me anymore but she wanted to try and make things work. The reality of it was that she didn't try and I think I found myself already defeated and couldn't turn round what I had heard her say. 8 months on we have both moved into our own places (5 min drive away) and I have been trying to move on. I have been seeing someone for 2 months and she is a lovely person and I like her but I am still head over heels in love with the ex. I can't get over the fact that she didn't try and feels like she just gave up on us being a family. She told me yesterday she is seeing someone and its completely knocked the stuffing out of me. I was already feeling very low and I had a horrendous wobble over Xmas and New Year. 8 months after the break up I thought I would be feeling much better about things, but this is a woman i love unconditionally. Every few days I have to see her for our childs handovers, or get a daily text to say how our child is doing etc. Sometimes the texts end up being an outpouring of emotion from me, she never and has never shown emotion very well and now I question what the hell was happening for 7 years. Surely even the hardest person would show some sign of upset?!? There is no escaping her or the memory of her. I barely sleep, and when I do I wake up every night having had a nightmare with her in it, I am constantly on the verge of tears and I am getting really concerned about my mental well being now. I try to be the best Dad I can for my little girl and I try to keep busy. I have a busy working life and I am training for a Half Marathon so i'm getting plenty of exercise. It just doesn't feel like I am healing and if anything I am going backwards. Since she told me she was seeing someone I have been a total emotional wreck, and she told me as I was picking up my daughter and I feel awful because she has seen her Daddy getting very upset and I cannot tell her its because of her Mummy. I don't understand why I am not healing and the pain is getting worse and more unbearable - I am so drained by it. The person I am seeing doesn't know any of this and I don't think it would be fair to tell her. I don't think I was feeling as bad when we met, I felt like I was ready at that time, but like I say I seem to have taken backwards step after backwards step. I am now torturing myself with the thought of my ex having someone else and maybe building a future with them............This whole thing seems torturous. No contact isn't an option because of our parenting responsibilities so I am at a loss Edited February 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
privategal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Im so terribly sorry. Just for your own sake, and I know it would be hard since your ex just started dating, but I think it would be easier emotionally to break off your new relationship. Right now you may need to focus each moment on healing. Sometimes the progress your making isn't as evident to yourself and holidays and new years historically make people emotional. 7 years is a long time so 8 months is no where near enough time to feel better. It will get better. If antidepressants or getting counseling may assist you, consider that. Dont give up, keep moving. You sound very normal and it's gonna be ok in time.
Author bigmac78 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) Thank you so much for replying. I think you are right about the new relationship, that's been on my mind a bit. In any other circumstance this woman would be awesome but I think I need to deal with how I feel about the ex properly. I've actually been on the phone to the doctors this morning to make an appointment. Thing is I know how I should deal with it, I just find myself unable to. I keep pushing and probing asking why? Why didn't you try more, why didn't you fight for us? She is probably quite understandably getting annoyed now but I've never had proper answers from her. I can't help myself but to bring it up though, its almost like I take some enjoyment in pushing her away and making myself feel bad, and I really don't enjoy it. Edited February 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 You probably shouldn't expect to be over a 7 year relationship in 8 months, especially when you share a child. Let me ask you this, when did you get engaged? One of the things that may have killed her feelings was a long engagement with no movement toward marriage. If you got engaged later, as the relationship was ending, she probably called it off because for whatever reason she knew you weren't The One. For your child's sake I would have liked to have seen a bit more effort like relationship counseling but she wasn't up for that. All you can do as you know is accept that fact. Try making lists: especially about why you are better off without her. It may help you heal.
Author bigmac78 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Thank you. She seems to have gotten over it pretty quickly, frustratingly for me. We got engaged after 3 years so had a reasonably long engagement but had been looking at wedding venues. She had always said from day one she wasn't fussed on marriage so the wedding ended up on the back burner because of having a child and the change in financial circumstances that came along with that. I agree I wanted to go to relationship counselling, do whatever it took to sort it out for the sake of our little family. All of this she said she would do but just gave up. I feel so angry towards her because of this and I don't want to feel that way. I'll try to make a list and hopefully that'll help.
privategal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Right now, just stop. Stop all contact, you aren't friends, lovers, just stop. Right now, take care of you...respond to all texts breifly, no emotion, no coldness, just business and breif. There is something I read on one of the forums called the 180. Maybe research that. Also NC which means calls, smiles, facebook, personal convo. Healthy eating and living is going to keep your self esteem up. Dont self sabotage. Its ok you acted out, cried, lashed out, gushed, but today...is a new day. A baby step, make it stop, thats one little thing. Right now see her as an associate. Let her date, let her live, whatever. You don't need her for your marathon right? Your upset but still going to work right? One foot in front of the other. But its time to show a different side of you, fake it til you make it. Just keep going and stay strong. If you cry its ok. Just keep going, it will get easier but not in the short term.
Elle1975 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Stop talking about private matters with your ex, like your sex lives and so on. Only thing you should be discussing is your child, and that's it. Also, why date someone when you know you're not ready? You're knowingly hurting someone. Be single, take care of your kid, lick your wounds, and stay away from the ex.
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