Toodaloo Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Poppy, the silence is deafening so I guess you can take that as a no. 4
autumnnight Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 There are people who will say they are. Because they have to. If you're going to do something immoral, you really have to commit in order to convince yourself. 4
MissBee Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) I think rare is it that an OW is genuinely happy being in an A. She may be happy to spend time with MM or have him in her life but happy that they have a secret relationship that one has to worry about blowing up if others find out, where there is no growth potential, where you are sharing and aren't privy to a whole chunk of their life? I don't think most of us are wired for that, esp if it is more than just a fling and you're emotionally invested. You may come to accept it and find spaces of happiness but I think the majority would give up the complications willingly if they could have just the benefits. I loved my AP and wanted HIM not the A and not being an OW. I was never satisfied with that part so wasn't a happy OW. Of course some times were happier than others and I enjoyed him and certain aspects of our relationship but the fact of the A was always the elephant in the room that was always there no matter how we tried to ignore it. Sometimes people say well they have a busy life, career, never want marriage and kids etc and I'm like okay that's fine but unless one has intimacy issues (which some people do where they enjoy a level of distance in their relationship and panic if it becomes an all in scenario ) what does that have to do with not wanting the limitations of an A? People who don't want kids, marriage and have a full life with a career and the rest still enjoy relationships which don't have to be had in secret. That is a big limitation for most people and coordinating in secret around someone's spouse and family who haven't a clue you exist can be quite a damper even if YOU are carefree, as this other person won't be able to be just as carefree as you are. So save for a minority of folks who may truly gain pleasure from the role of OW or affairs as an entity (some exist) I don't think most OW enjoy that role. More often than not they are in it in spite of the limitations because it's a means to an end but if the same benefits could be had without it being an A were possible they'd take it. Edited February 3, 2015 by MissBee 4
thefooloftheyear Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 To be honest....Asking a question like that on a site like this is like asking if there are any functional alcoholics at an AA meeting... Point is that right or wrong,(and its certainly wrong for reasons we all know), there are happy people in dysfunctional relationships and there are miserable people in conventional ones... TFY 7
Sassy Girl Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Happy as an OW? As in, happy with the current situation? Sure. I feel happier in it than I did out of it Am I happy in my marriage? No. But my relationship with MM is exactly what I want.
Sassy Girl Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 To be honest....Asking a question like that on a site like this is like asking if there are any functional alcoholics at an AA meeting... Point is that right or wrong,(and its certainly wrong for reasons we all know), there are happy people in dysfunctional relationships and there are miserable people in conventional ones... TFY Yep. This is me. Happy in my dysfunctional one and miserable into conventional one.
dichotomy Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Of course some are. I think if the affair is producing what both want, and there is a mutual understanding of nothing more wanted or expected it works. Cake eating can be a happy (and guilt free) experience for some. 2
eye of the storm Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 A year and a half ago, I would have said yes. Now, I am still generally happy but it is becoming tainted by my desire for more. I really liked MissBee's post. It was pretty much spot on.
Minnie09 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 I go through phases. Like eye of the storm said, a while ago I would've said "yes, happy". But as time goes by, I'm catching myself wondering more and more. I never did that in the beginning. Now I wonder, wonder where/when this is going to end. Wonder what they're doing when they're at home. Wonder whom he loves more (stupid, immature and childish), if he misses me when I'm not with him (he says he does, but what does it matter what he says, right?).......What they talk about, etc. Wonder whether or not they're having a good or a ****ty time/vacation/weekend/family visit etc. It's disturbing. It is too time-consuming to think about all these what-ifs and whether or not they do this and that. I'll never know, so why obsess, right? I have no control over this, and even if he told me, I wouldn't be able to take it at face value. He might be fibbing. Most times, though, I'm just happy that I can live my life without a committed relationship. It would just bother me too much to live with somebody. And really.......when I think it through, and when I imagine us being together and living together, I just cringe. I don't want this anyway. So I don't know what this over-thinking really is, and where it comes from. It's probably just a form of slight dissatisfaction about not being in total control. Completely selfish. I know myself, and I don't think I would be happy with an official partner, not right now, and probably never. I like having him in my life, and I'd be deeply sad if it ended tomorrow, but making it official? I would be overwhelmed. He makes random statements about being together, and it's fun to talk and think about it. I play along. But there's no timeline, no plan, no nothing. It's just a general "where would we live and what would our house and yard look like" kind of discussion. And that makes us happy. That's how we connect, I think. One of the many ways we connect. It's fun to talk about it. It's also very weird how I'm always ready to leave or how I'm ready for him to leave, every time we've spent one or two days together. I always miss being by myself. When we've been apart for a while, I miss him, though. Weird.
MissBee Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 A year and a half ago, I would have said yes. Now, I am still generally happy but it is becoming tainted by my desire for more. I really liked MissBee's post. It was pretty much spot on. It was similar for me, in that when it just started it was all fun and games and I wasn't in love. However, as real feelings developed, more time was spent etc. I became less satisfied as more feelings meant I wanted more from him and the relationship and just the normal ability to grow and take it to its 'natural' limit. The fact that we couldn't frustrated me. But I stayed even still because of some of the happiness therein, but I've realized that happiness is fleeting, you can be happy one day and sad the next so for me the question was did I have peace and contentment (more stable characteristics), and I didn't. I had moments of happiness but underneath it I was always unsettled. 1
Got it Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Yes I was a happy other woman. But that did not mean I planned to be the OW forever. I had an expiration date on it but was happy during that time period.
eye of the storm Posted February 4, 2015 Posted February 4, 2015 MissBee,I think that is where we are at. We have gone and done all we can within the constraints of our current relationship. Unless he divorces our relationship has hit its limits. And while I am ok with that currently, I can see that I won't be in the future. Eventually, when I get tired of looking at the wall that is blocking our relationship from going further, I'm just going to go on without him. I don't want to stay to the point where I become bitter.
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