truncated Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I was browsing YouTube while doing some research for an article, and i came across these "social guidance" videos from the early 1950's and The main gist of them seems to be that marraige is a sober institution, not to be undertaken lightly on a whim, and that once you are married, it takes comprimises, understanding and "adjustments" on the part of both spouses to make it work. If you have been happily married a long time,, were these principles that you have followed, or is there something else? Is the core of these two films realistic? Do you think people get married to quickly wihtout really getting to know each other first? If so, how does a couple get to that point? What good advice do you have? Mine would be that you need to know your future spouse well, but even more important, you need to know yourself well enough to know that you are ready for marriage. Some people aren't, and never will be, which is fine for them. As an aside to that, texting and emails, no matter how many you send, aren't the same as in person contact. You might find thatonceyou get to know someone in the real world, you aren't as compaitible as you thought. The second thing is that once you are married, you kind of cease to be "me" and you become part of "we". I don't mean that soeone should stop having their own individual interests, thoughts and feelings and goals they which to achieve , but more that one has to take into consideration the thoughts and feelings of their spouse as well as their own. You help each other to grow as individuals and as a partnership. In my experience, that is how a really deep connection grows. Also, if you feel like you have lost the "spark", try and figure out why. Talk to your spouse about it, and agree to give things time before making any rash decisions. Try doing new things together, like dusting off your bucket lists and checking a few things off together. don't try and force feelings to come, just let them ebb and flow naturally. That may sound like really stupidly obvious ( or just stupid)advice but it's worked for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 A healthy sense of humor really helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 My parents were each others BFFs & favorite playmates. They always made time to have fun together. You do have to be a "we" not a "me" but you certainly don't have to be sober, somber or dower all the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think you included the same video twice. Anyway, it seems as if there was much more support for people just starting out back then. One doesn't really see instructional videos or books geared to newlyweds these days. Tons of books are geared to couples once they have problems, but I don't see many focused on proactively helping couples to be realistic about married life or to develop the skills needed to go the distance when they're just starting out. I've only come across two books so far. Your list of takeaways is spot on. One other thing mentioned in the video, that I thought was important, was the need to try and understand things from your spouse's perspective. It wasn't about winning or proving the other person wrong when they had disagreements. They focused instead on trying to understand each other, and assumed the spouse was well-intentioned in his/her actions...even when a particular action itself was bothersome. This was especially true in dealing with in-laws, where non-judgmental, open, honest communication and tact were key to solving their concerns. Thanks for sharing the video. Very refreshing to view. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Realistic expectations and having a very thorough understanding of how deep the water is before you go in.... Even then, there are no guarantees in this life.... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Different strokes for different folks. Being able to compliment each others differences.. Defining the relationship is a life long task. Open to change and open to stability. We never really know the person entirely, and that is a good thing. The mystery of that person can well be the attraction. Communication in words and behavior ...that is important. Each balances the other and knows when to step in or refrain. Found romance to be important . Simple gestures ...can go along way. What you bring to the table and what you leave at the table can set the stage. Support them physically , mentality an emotionally. Respect them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Opposites only attract with magnetic fields....Its a horrible methodology for a long term relationship... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Author truncated Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 My parents were each others BFFs & favorite playmates. They always made time to have fun together. You do have to be a "we" not a "me" but you certainly don't have to be sober, somber or dower all the time. I may have worded that wrong. i didn;t mean you have to be dour, more that one has to take the institution of marriage really serriously, and give it plenty of consideration before "taking the plunge". maybe it's just me, but it seems as if far too many think more about the wedding than what comes afterwards in the years you'll be together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author truncated Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think you included the same video twice. Anyway, it seems as if there was much more support for people just starting out back then. One doesn't really see instructional videos or books geared to newlyweds these days. Tons of books are geared to couples once they have problems, but I don't see many focused on proactively helping couples to be realistic about married life or to develop the skills needed to go the distance when they're just starting out. I've only come across two books so far. Your list of takeaways is spot on. One other thing mentioned in the video, that I thought was important, was the need to try and understand things from your spouse's perspective. It wasn't about winning or proving the other person wrong when they had disagreements. They focused instead on trying to understand each other, and assumed the spouse was well-intentioned in his/her actions...even when a particular action itself was bothersome. This was especially true in dealing with in-laws, where non-judgmental, open, honest communication and tact were key to solving their concerns. Thanks for sharing the video. Very refreshing to view. sorry about the same link twice...here is the second one it's for people planning to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I have heard several very long time married couples (40+ years) what kept them together all those years and their answer was that both of them didn't want to get divorced at the same time. Meaning that at various points in the marriage one person would want to D but the other one didn't and managed to keep them together until things could be worked out. And then at a later point the other one wanted to but the other didn't. We've experienced that now and can put ourselves in that catagory. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Appreciate each other. Never take each other for granted. Trust each other enough to be vulnerable. When there are problems and your first instinct is to pull away, fight that instinct and be brave enough to go to each other and work it out. Laugh a lot together. Do fun things together, even if it is just at home. Be silly and, when you have a choice between getting mad and laughing, choose to laugh. Be kind. Be patient. Respond sweetly as much as you can to balance out the times you're grumpy with each other. Our little secret: keep pretending you're dating. Be silly and fawn over your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". Lastly, have lots of sex. Think of it as a way to stay connected, relaxed, and happy. Just do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Opposites only attract with magnetic fields....Its a horrible methodology for a long term relationship... TFY Hmmm...Prince Rainer, Grace Kelly. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Appreciate each other. Never take each other for granted. Trust each other enough to be vulnerable. When there are problems and your first instinct is to pull away, fight that instinct and be brave enough to go to each other and work it out. Laugh a lot together. Do fun things together, even if it is just at home. Be silly and, when you have a choice between getting mad and laughing, choose to laugh. Be kind. Be patient. Respond sweetly as much as you can to balance out the times you're grumpy with each other. Our little secret: keep pretending you're dating. Be silly and fawn over your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". Lastly, have lots of sex. Think of it as a way to stay connected, relaxed, and happy. Just do it. This works. Been there myself. Not too sure I will ever be there again but you never know. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Hmmm...Prince Rainer, Grace Kelly. And it snows here in April...hmmmm TFY Link to post Share on other sites
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