juanito14 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. Everything was perfect up until this last Thursday. We were at school, we are both in college, and we were in the library. I got a text from my mom and I opened up my phone. I am also in a group message with my volleyball team who put me into this annoying group chat that I hate. I opened my phone and I had a text from my mom and the group and she asked me who texted me and I just told her my mom, while completely disregarding the group chat, which she could definitely see. It wasn't like I had anything to hide from her, but because I didn't message it she took it as hiding. The thing she doesn't like is that I am a part of a coed volleyball team and 3 girls are in that group chat also. She told me that it hurt her feelings, and me hiding anything is still considered a lie, which I can understand. I wouldn't like her doing that to me. She told me it wasn't something we would break up over and we'll get past this, but now she is going to be wondering who is texting me, which is something she never had to worry about. She also became very distant towards me, and I can tell she doesn't really want to talk to me right now. It's hard for me because I already suffer from overthinking things, especially when I did something wrong and also because I hurt someone who I care so much about. Things were absolutely perfect and now I have to wonder if she is gonna trust me again. I can tell she's trying to be nice, and we still talk during the day, but I can tell she's forcing it. What can I do to make her feel better? For her to forgive me and forget what I have done? I just want to get back to how things were and I don't want to have ruined it by something I didn't really think would cause a problem at the time.
Omei Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 It is bad that you have to do "White lies" as they call it. Lies that while even tho you're not hiding something you're walking on eggshells with your GF so bad because of her insecurities and jealousy issues that you need to tell a white lie to avoid problems with her because you know she's not going to be reasonable. This isn't good people would call it a red flag she's majorly insecure if she cannot even handle the opposite gender on a team you're taking part simply because you enjoy it. It's controlling behavior it's going to get worse followed with much drama from her end im sure. She sounds like shes going to be a lot of work I wouldn't stay with someone if they were like this too much to handle.
Author juanito14 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 It's not really the fact that there are females in the group chat that bothered her. It was the fact that I didn't mention the group chat at all and she felt I was hiding it from her. A lie is a lie no matter how big, I can understand that logic. I just want to know what I can do to make her feel the way she used to about me
Omei Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 It's not really the fact that there are females in the group chat that bothered her. It was the fact that I didn't mention the group chat at all and she felt I was hiding it from her. A lie is a lie no matter how big, I can understand that logic. I just want to know what I can do to make her feel the way she used to about me I know it's a lie....but you're having to lie because you fear her getting upset because she can't handle the fact that girls from your team may be talking to you, and that's why you lied, you're so afraid of her getting upset. This is how your relationship with her will be now and in the future you will lie again because you fear the outcome. Either tell the truth every time and accept she may end up boo hooing about everything that involves other girls. Or leave and find a girl thats secure enough with herself and your relationship you wouldn't have to hide silly things.
writergal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Well, ask yourself this: why did you lie to your girlfriend about the coed volleyball team's group text to you if it was purely platonic content? There has to be a reason that you lied when she asked you. Do you like one of the gals on your coed team? Is one of them flirting with you? If you simply forgot to tell her, then you forgot. That means, she overreacted and needs to calm down and relax. I could see why she overreacted though. If I'm dating a guy and I see a text, say nothing, then ask him about it and he lies about it - that would really upset me. Always be 100% honest where your phone and texts are concerned when you're dating someone. Breakups happen all the time because of what's discovered on someone's cellphone. Her fears are based on her own insecurities that you can alleviate by being truthful with her. If you have nothing to hide on your phone, let her know. Try to reassure her that your relationship with her is a priority for you and hopefully she will calm down and forget about it.
Omei Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 You could always come clean about the lie and just talk to her about it, flat out tell her you didn't mention it because you knew girls on the team bother her and you were afraid if she would get upset if she thought they were texting you as well in this group chat. If she's reasonable she will listen and understand and then boom you're relationship is "perfect" again. 1
Author juanito14 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I simply forgot because my mom was the most recent text and that was who I was responding to at the time. I really have nothing to hide on my phone, she could legitimately hold on to it for a month and I would still worry about nothing. I love her, I just had a mind lapse, but at the same time I understand why she would be so upset by it. I'm never gonna let that happen again, I know how important honesty is to a relationship, it just hurts that she became so distant because of it. I can't blame her, I deserve it I know. I just don't know what to do from here. She told me we won't break up from this and we will get past it, it's just hard for her to forget things. I've apologized and said everything I could, and she knows how bad I feel, but I don't know what I can do.
writergal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 And if she's unreasonable and throws a hissy fit when you tell her the truth, then it's time for you to reconsider why you two are dating. Do you want to date someone who will grill you everytime you forget to check in about who texts you? Who texts you is your business. So there's that to think about too. She has no right to make you walk on eggshells about who texts you, because of her own insecurity issues about you playing volleyball on a coed team. 2
Author juanito14 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I came clean and she told me she understands, she's just really hurt right now that I would still lie. She has a past where her ex would lie to her about a girl texting him that she didn't like and it brought back memories. She admitted that she knows I'm not that person, but its hard for her to forget about what I did.
Author juanito14 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 It's not about walking on egg shells, up until Thursday I never felt that way at all. I'm just worried that it may be like that in the future and I have to talk to her about that. It really is no problem for me to let her know who texts me, I have nothing to hide and in a way it's nice to feel like she cares. I just don't want her to look at me as a liar and keep a wall up. She's not throwing a hissy fit at all, but I can see that she's forcing herself to talk to me and conversation just isn't the same. It's like she still loves me but doesn't like me at the moment
writergal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I simply forgot because my mom was the most recent text and that was who I was responding to at the time. I really have nothing to hide on my phone, she could legitimately hold on to it for a month and I would still worry about nothing. I love her, I just had a mind lapse, but at the same time I understand why she would be so upset by it. I'm never gonna let that happen again, I know how important honesty is to a relationship, it just hurts that she became so distant because of it. I can't blame her, I deserve it I know. I just don't know what to do from here. She told me we won't break up from this and we will get past it, it's just hard for her to forget things. I've apologized and said everything I could, and she knows how bad I feel, but I don't know what I can do. So you've apologized. Now you need to start fresh and forget about it. You can't babysit her insecurities all the time. She needs to trust you and if she can't do that, she's immature. I mean, you simply forgot to tell her. No big deal. She's making a mountain out of a mowhill then, being upset that you forgot to tell her that your coed volleyball team texted you. There's nothing more you can do. She needs to let this go and get over it. If she holds this over your head to shame you or make you feel guilty, then she's immature. You sound like you are a great boyfriend to her. She sounds like she has issues that have nothing to do with you. 1
writergal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I came clean and she told me she understands, she's just really hurt right now that I would still lie. She has a past where her ex would lie to her about a girl texting him that she didn't like and it brought back memories. She admitted that she knows I'm not that person, but its hard for her to forget about what I did. It's not about walking on egg shells, up until Thursday I never felt that way at all. I'm just worried that it may be like that in the future and I have to talk to her about that. It really is no problem for me to let her know who texts me, I have nothing to hide and in a way it's nice to feel like she cares. I just don't want her to look at me as a liar and keep a wall up. She's not throwing a hissy fit at all, but I can see that she's forcing herself to talk to me and conversation just isn't the same. It's like she still loves me but doesn't like me at the moment Ok, I was right then. She's brought her past relationship issues into her present relationship with you, and that is totally wrong for her to do. It's irrational behavior because she expects you to fix her issue with her previous ex, by projecting her anger at him on to you for something so unbelieveably minor it's ridiculous. So you forgot to tell her that your coed volleyball team texted you. Wow. You didn't lie. She's trying to justify her anger at her ex, by projecting that anger on to you. It's nonsense. You are not a liar and she is acting ridiculous now, if she isn't trying you the same way. She needs to learn to separate her relationships from each other. Her previous partner betrayed her trust, and now she carries that betrayal of trust forward with her into each new relationship - that includes her relationship with you. That is not the way to deal with relationship issues. Because what happens is that she will overreact and blame you for what HE did to her. Does that make sense? You seem like a very rational person whereas your girlfriend seems very reactive. You've already addressed the issue and resolved it. If she continues to moan to you about her trust issues after you've said and done everything you needed to do, to reassure her, then her behavior borders on being emotionally manipulative in order for her to feel justified in accusing you of being a liar, which you clearly aren't. 1
Author juanito14 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 We both have our faults, she happens to have a hard time believing what's she's told and this did not help with that insecurity. She was working on it and made serious progress and I feel like we made a giant leap backwards. I should mention that I didn't tell her I forgot to tell her. I told her that I wasn't thinking about it at the time she asked because the group chat annoys me. At that point her response was explaining yourself isn't going to fix this, what's done is done and now we have to love forward. I'm just freaking out because I hate that things have changed due to me not using my head. I know it shouldn't of escalated so much but it did and the thing is I knew she had an issue with trust. We both told each other the only things we really hate is being lied to, having something being hidden from us, and being cheated on. Up until Thursday we both didn't do anything of the sort, now my record is tainted. I don't want to be considered a liar when I never intended to hurt her
writergal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 We both have our faults, she happens to have a hard time believing what's she's told and this did not help with that insecurity. She was working on it and made serious progress and I feel like we made a giant leap backwards. I should mention that I didn't tell her I forgot to tell her. I told her that I wasn't thinking about it at the time she asked because the group chat annoys me. At that point her response was explaining yourself isn't going to fix this, what's done is done and now we have to love forward. I'm just freaking out because I hate that things have changed due to me not using my head. I know it shouldn't of escalated so much but it did and the thing is I knew she had an issue with trust. We both told each other the only things we really hate is being lied to, having something being hidden from us, and being cheated on. Up until Thursday we both didn't do anything of the sort, now my record is tainted. I don't want to be considered a liar when I never intended to hurt her But you didn't lie. She's accusing you of lying which is because of her past trust issues from her previous relationship. You've been completely honest with her and she's acting like you betrayed her trust, which of course, you didn't. I don't know what else to you tell you. She's given you a preview of how she handles conflict with men she dates, which doesn't come across as very mature. She's ruining a good thing with you, the way that she's acting right now. I mean, nothing happened. You didn't cheat on her or hide a steamy text from her. 1
Author juanito14 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Yes she did bring up her past and said what I did brought up bad memories. I know it shouldn't be that way, but I also know she has a hard time forgetting the bad things that have happened to her. I want to explain to her that if she can't get past this there is no point for us to be in a relationship, since it won't work out. But I want to do it in person and i don't know when I'll be able to do that 2
todreaminblue Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 trust issues are hard to handle ...but honestly ...it seems like your gf has a handle on it.....she wants to move forward......so should you...let this one go..its a minor incident.... ...she will trust you...because you are trust worthy...say that as a mantra often when you yourself feel insecure about your gf and her trust towards you.....be honest and open in the future whether or not you feel your gf will handle someone texting you or not....hiding things doesnt help anything or anyone...often the hiding is what causes problems in the first place.......deb
writergal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Yes I think you should give her that boundary - about her hanging on to minor indiscretions to use against you when it suits her. That's just manipulative behavior and you shouldn't tolerate it. Believe me. There are some people who keep mental lists of the indiscretions that their partners commit, and bring it up instead of dealing with the current conflict only. They'd rather bring up 10 things the person did to them than resolve the 1 thing that just happened. It's infuriating to experience. And frankly, 6 months is long enough to get a sense of how well you jibe with someone you are dating. When conflict arises, how your partner responds and acts afterward, is a good indicator of how they will be in the relationship with you long-term. And if their conflict resolution style isn't compatible with yours, time to let that relationship go and learn from it. If she can't get past this extremely insignificant event, then she will escalate it to the point where she nags you and reminds you about it all the time, which will cause you to resent her and ultimately cause the relationship to end. She needs to work on her trust issues outside of this relationship, because it's not fair to you. Period. 1
BeatsByDirk Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) I simply forgot because my mom was the most recent text and that was who I was responding to at the time. This is how you should have approached it because this is the truth. The apology and owning it is the white lie because you truly forgot and the other message wasn't important to you. If you aren't against a little manipulation I think you could get things back to the way they were but I would suggest a break up. If you were interested in getting things back to the way things were I would suggest doing: Next time you are around her and she starts acting cold I would stop what I was doing and say: "look, I know you think I lied but I didn't. If you can't accept that I told you what I thought was the pertinent information then that's your problem. If you could see who messaged me why are you asking, are you the cops are you trying to bust me or catch me doing something, I just don't need that! I apologized because I care about your feelings and your past but I'm not trying to have you put all your past relationship on me, that's your baggage and you need to deal with it. I'm sorry you think I'm a liar, I can't do anything about the way you think but I'm not a liar and I refused to act like you caught me lying when you didn't. I think I've had enough of the attitude for today, call me when you want things to go back to normal... (A little quieter) Or don't, I don't need to be treated like a criminal!" After you leave I wouldn't answer any phone calls or texts for a few hours. When you finally decide to take her call be very understanding, use logic to argue against how she feels but acknowledge she feels that way. Make it clear you only have the best intentions and her wishy washy manipulative behavior isn't tolerable and if she has a problem accepting your word in the future you would prefer she just break up with you rather than mope around and continuing to persecute you when it should be squashed. Good luck hope it all works out in a way that benefits your life long term. Edited February 2, 2015 by BeatsByDirk 1
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Your explanation was the truth. Her refusal to accept that is the problem. The fact that you are beating yourself up over this days later tells me you two have a very shaky relationship. She does not trust you & you try to placate her because you are afraid of losing something that's not very healthy for you in the 1st place. You need to clear this up once & for all. If you hate the group chat can you opt out of it? You need to take one last shot at making her understand that while you like to play volleyball you are not looking to hook up with the other players if she can't understand that walk away. Your whole like can't revolve around her. 1
Shepp Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I simply forgot because my mom was the most recent text and that was who I was responding to at the time. You either forgot or you lied - it can't be both! Likewise she either trusts you or she doesn't! 1
veggirl Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 your girlfriend needs to get a grip and you should NOT indulge this drama! Let me get this straight. your mom texts you. you open your texts. gf asks 'who text you?' and you say your mom. because you were opening your moms text. how did you lie again? her insecurities are not your fault nor are they your problem. enjoy getting grilled about every little thing you do from here on out if you keep apologizing for sh*t you didn't even do wrong! 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 You need to stop enabling this girl are start giving less of a crap about these little things that for some reason you feel the need to justify and defend for her sake. And little tip to you, men lie all the time, they're dishonest about something with women everyday. It's better that women don't know everything, they think they want to know but they don't...the truth is often too hard to swallow. You need to be smarter about deflecting these situations and not letting her run over you with her issues, you need to stand your ground because NOTHING you do will make this better in the end, it'll be a waste of your time letting her do what she wants to you. 1
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