ist17 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Background: my ex has only been in 1 long term relationship in grade 8 &hasn't been in one since. his friends have told me that he's always been afraid to commit We started talking 1.5 yrs ago and didn't expect much, but we fell for each other and b/c he was out of province, we pursued each other LD until he came home. When we got together during christmas, we only fell deeper. We had strong feelings for each other and wanted to wait until he's home to be official (4 months later-he lives 1hr from me). When he came back, he asked me to meet his friends & family. we continued to date for 2 months & I was curious why we weren't official,although we were exclusive.I asked and he said he's confused,that he likes me but doesn't know why he's not ready to take the next step. We "broke up", he cried & said that's not what he wants, we got back together. He was still confused, said that some days he's sure of us but some days he questions whether he's truly ready and he's not sure why he questions. Fast forward 2 months, he broke up with me. He tried to initiate contact 2 days later and I brushed it off and we don't talk for two months. He recently started talking to me again, some weeks he'll continually try to talk &other weeks I won't hear from him. He drunk texts me to talk, but doesn't flirt b/c he says he's afraid I won't like/appreciate it Was it a commitment issue? I keep thinking he was afraid to give up "being a boy/partying". And is there a chance for reconciliation?
sober and dry Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 How old are both of you? How long was the RS? Go NC, maybe you should ask him some space for sometime. If he doesn't accept it block him, at least for some time for him to understand your need. Drunk texting, countless attempts to make contact without success and silent is probably a sign that he is still not ready yet. I strongly advice you, no matter what, that you let this "being a boy/partying" thing for him to end if you want him back and a good, solid RS. My ex dismissed this "phase" to be in a RS with me, partially against my will, and it just showed up long years latter and screwed up our RS. Well I was powerless to do anything while we were together but always felt that stone on my shoes. I went trough that kind of phase pretty hard and was over it before her and let me tell you that I'm glad I did it.
Author ist17 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 we're both 20, he's really close with his guy friends and most of them are single right now. During our relationship he basically gave that up for me (I didn't ask, but it just happened), and his buddies would be out partying and texting him but he'd spend weekends with me. maybe he missed that and felt he hasn't finished? our relationship started out really well. we were both crazy about each other and he wasn't afraid to let everyone know that he was with me. but somewhere along all of this, I could feel him being less affectionate, not physically, but my gut just felt like something was different, but I had just thoght he was stressed because there were financial issues for him. when guys get that phase out of them, how likely are they to actually go back to someone versus being with the next girl?
Author ist17 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) well, we weren't "official" all this time, but we were exclusively dating (I know, that's basically the same thing but I guess the actual label of it because we knew we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend and commitment or lost feelings stopped him from progressing us into that). we were "together" for about 11 months but the first 5 months was long distance. he told me when we broke up he lost feelings, that I'm everything he would ever want in a girl but he doesn't know why he's not in love with me and that it frustrates him why he's not. but now he's out with the guys drinking almost every weekend so you're suggested that I let him be a boy and get that partying out of his system or else no matter what I do or even if I was the right girl, he'll still have that "what if" lingering inside him? Edited February 2, 2015 by ist17
sober and dry Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Well I was over that phase when it just become boring and I seen that I was just wasting my time and life. It took me too long to get there, probably 4 years of partying really hard all day long everyday. But there really isn't a time line for that. I mean, I know people who never got this phase until the present day, I know people who tried it out and almost immediately "gave up" on that, and I know people who simply never "gave up". I guess that this depend on the maturity of the person in question at that time. But well, this is people we are talking about and must probably all of the combinations of the above and probably many more may be possible! Now for the rest of your post, I can't know if he missed that or not, neither do you or anyone else besides him, must probably even he know that for now. For the detachment you describe, I'm really sorry but the BU was probably for the best, no matter what the reason behind it may be. I can see that your RS was good and you two had some great times but, when this kind of detachment you describe start, things will must probably go down the drain, ending in a very dramatic way for you. So this may unveil to be a good way of protecting you for more pain in the long run. This all doesn't mean that the two of you are gone forever, it can be a step to a even greater RS between the two of you. But, in my opinion, he needs to be completely over this phase, if this is really a phase he is going trough and nothing more before that happens and both of you need to be in sync when it happens and this is pretty hard, I wont lie to you. You on the other hand must take this time of your life to become more mature and evolve your self and your life beyond all of this. Footnote: alway trust your gut and never deny it even if it reveals to be wrong, we should follow our instincts in RS literally.
sober and dry Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) he told me when we broke up he lost feelings, that I'm everything he would ever want in a girl but he doesn't know why he's not in love with me and that it frustrates him why he's not. but now he's out with the guys drinking almost every weekend so you're suggested that I let him be a boy and get that partying out of his system or else no matter what I do or even if I was the right girl, he'll still have that "what if" lingering inside him? You posted this before I was able to reply and this change quite a bit the tone of my last reply and I can't edit it. If he lost the feelings after you two BU probably they aren't so strong, at least not as strong as yours. That just says a lot... Now I'm not just suggesting that you let him go and be whatever he wants to be, I'm saying that you need to start to move on. Sorry my dear... I gave you false hopes in my reply, just ignore them! You need to move on and put him behind. Edited February 2, 2015 by sober and dry
Author ist17 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it! I think the reason I keep holding on is because my guy tells me there's still something there. Maybe not now, but my gut has been right in the past, when I knew calling him that day would lead to a breakup, and when I felt him acting more distant. My mind tells me to let go right now but my heart keeps stopping me from doing so. One of his good friends told me that she doesn't think he's ready to settle, but when they see him with me, they think they're wrong for thinking that. And that I'm the longst girl he's been with since the breakup in gr 8. (Which ended because he didn't want to be tied down) I don't know whether I should acknowledge or respond to his messages, but it's so hard for me to ignore especially if he hasn't texted and it's like "finally!!" Haha. His birthday is coming up in a week too
Author ist17 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 You posted this before I was able to reply and this change quite a bit the tone of my last reply and I can't edit it. If he lost the feelings after you two BU probably they aren't so strong, at least not as strong as yours. That just says a lot... Now I'm not just suggesting that you let him go and be whatever he wants to be, I'm saying that you need to start to move on. Sorry my dear... I gave you false hopes in my reply, just ignore them! You need to move on and put him behind. You're probably right with this. A part of me just wants to believe he convinced himself out of the RS because hes afraid and not ready to commit, and hopes he realizes he wants me back or something
sober and dry Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) Don't hold on him please, maybe there is something there in him but that will must probably vanish... Something isn't love! He isn't ready to settle with this behavior you describe, that's for sure. In this times it's imperative that we try our best to do what our mind says over our heart! I know what is best for the time being, not acknowledge or respond to his messages but block him. Go completely NC, that means not only block him but total no contact. You have a guide in here, follow it. You need to do this because it will keep you tied and prevent you not only from moving on with your life but from him. Forget his birthday... Let me tell you that, I can see myself and my last RS a lot in what you are describing so I truly hope that you manage to get over it much better then I'm as you seem to be! You're probably right with this. A part of me just wants to believe he convinced himself out of the RS because hes afraid and not ready to commit, and hopes he realizes he wants me back or something Trust your gut and your head, they are must of the times right. Don't bother with his hopes of realizing he wants you back or this little things that seems a part of us. Edited February 2, 2015 by sober and dry
Author ist17 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 you said you see yourself in what I'm describing: are you in my shoes or his? You're totally right! I think I'm okay with not contacting him, since I went a wihle without doing that, but it's when HE messages and me not replying that is going to eat away at me I just see him as the type that doesn't bother with a girl if he's done with her because he doesn't want to be with her or have anything to do with her kinda thing. so the fact that he messages even now makes me wonder y'know! my goal now is to try to move on regardless, but in your honest opinion from your personal experience or from possibly knowing guys that are like him, is it likely he'll realize he threw away something good when or if he gets over that phase? (if it's just a phase) p.s. just on a side note! usually, do romantic feelings fade because the honeymoon phase is over/physical attraction is lost so emotions leave with them? I know he's still attracted, but doesn't try to meet up to hook up or anything because he knows he would be disrespecting me
sober and dry Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 you said you see yourself in what I'm describing: are you in my shoes or his? You're totally right! I think I'm okay with not contacting him, since I went a wihle without doing that, but it's when HE messages and me not replying that is going to eat away at me I just see him as the type that doesn't bother with a girl if he's done with her because he doesn't want to be with her or have anything to do with her kinda thing. so the fact that he messages even now makes me wonder y'know! my goal now is to try to move on regardless, but in your honest opinion from your personal experience or from possibly knowing guys that are like him, is it likely he'll realize he threw away something good when or if he gets over that phase? (if it's just a phase) p.s. just on a side note! usually, do romantic feelings fade because the honeymoon phase is over/physical attraction is lost so emotions leave with them? I know he's still attracted, but doesn't try to meet up to hook up or anything because he knows he would be disrespecting me Always keep in mind that this pahse thing may not be the only reason behind the BU. Nonetheless you must not care about it now in any way. What hurts me the most in this kind of situation is that I was on the two sides. When I was on his shoes I did what he did, lots and lots of times and I truly regret it because I did hurt very much all of the girls, sadly to a point that I wouldn't expect back then nor was aware. Guess what, when I "woke up" and saw all the wreckage I left behind if was farrrrrrrr too late. I would say he will realize that but it will be too late. That's is why you need to block him! If you block him you will no longer feel the need to respond to him and you will not wonder! Trust me that this can keep you hanging a lot and prevent you from moving on. This is very important. Na na na na, romantic feelings fade when the honeymoon phase ends because there is no love behind to support it. Attraction may or may not remain but that's not all it takes to have a proper RS. 1
Author ist17 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I loved that last reply that you posted! you're so right, I can't keep hanging onto it and hurt myself! if it was really meant to be, even if we end now, it'll find it's way back, there's no point me sitting here being upset about it instead of living my life to its full potential. i just have to find the strength to move on, it's been crazy hard the past 4 months
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