Author blind_otter Posted April 7, 2005 Author Posted April 7, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Whoops, got them confused. Wasn't there something else weird about him? (Get this, I'm gonna post a thread about it in a minute, but I just got broken up with over the phone by the guy that I just had the talk with on Sunday! What the hell?) Shamen, isn't there something weird about all of them, in the end? Men are stupid and I hate most of them. I like their fleshy appendages, but that's it. I hate the stupid games and the "a**h*** 50% of the time" theory and the low pressure system coming into the southeast has made the swamp oppressive today and I am in a foul mood. I need some booty in a bad way. Which will happen this weekend, meaningless sex be damned.
shamen Posted April 8, 2005 Posted April 8, 2005 Good point, BO! Good point! (Isn't there always something weird about them?) I'm with you on hating the stupid games. Guys suck. I'm in a very guy hating mood. (Sorry to any of the nice ones out there who are not freaks.) Good for you on still being able to deal with meaningless sex. I think that I'm starting to realize that I can't do that anymore. It totally pisses me off!
Author blind_otter Posted April 8, 2005 Author Posted April 8, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Good point, BO! Good point! (Isn't there always something weird about them?) I'm with you on hating the stupid games. Guys suck. I'm in a very guy hating mood. (Sorry to any of the nice ones out there who are not freaks.) Good for you on still being able to deal with meaningless sex. I think that I'm starting to realize that I can't do that anymore. It totally pisses me off! Have you seen 50 First Dates? The fact that I live in Florida helps. We get tourists, and college students who are transients here, so I can have meaningless sex or little mini-relationships that ends when the person goes back home, boo hoo, ta ta it was fun but I'm glad I won't run into you again. Of course the fact that I am emotionally unavailable also helps.
shamen Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Have you seen 50 First Dates? The fact that I live in Florida helps. We get tourists, and college students who are transients here, so I can have meaningless sex or little mini-relationships that ends when the person goes back home, boo hoo, ta ta it was fun but I'm glad I won't run into you again. Of course the fact that I am emotionally unavailable also helps. Nope, haven't seen it. I'm feeling super cold right now. No one is getting anywhere near me for a long time. I used to be able to keep it all separated. Dam*it. Almost wish I could go back to keeping it that way... So, how goes the sorta dating thing anyway? The fling with the guy in town for a little while?
Author blind_otter Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 Originally posted by shamen So, how goes the sorta dating thing anyway? The fling with the guy in town for a little while? Awesome. I love flings, they are so low stress. As long as you just don't talk about anything serious. But this is exactly what I needed, a nice, cute, exotic guy who I can hang out with and have great sex with no string attached. Although I guess he is staying a bit longer than expected, and won't be leaving until the middle of next month. He keeps driving to my town and visiting for 2-3 days and spending a f*ck ton of money on food and renting cars and going out. This is right up my alley. But if you are really hanging out with someone seriously, you can't expect to be able to lay in bed all day on sundays every sunday. But that's what I do on sundays, normally. Anyways, regardless, it's fun. We had dinner at my lesbian friend's house on saturday and he heard me talking about how all relationships have lifespans to her, and later that night he asked me what lifespan our relationship would have and I kinda blanched a little and tried to play it off like, hee hee, um, I don't like to think about things like that or in that way. I just let it go with the flow. But honestly, he lives in europe, I live in the states. I don't plan on moving for a few years. He has lived all over the world for a few months at a time and I said, you seem like the type that moves around a lot. He said yeah, until you find something worth staying around for, and again I got all weirded out and changed the subject. Vacation fling! Vacation fling! Sure we have amazing sex, and it's the most fun hanging out with him, but he would eventually get irritated with the American-isms that he finds so endearing in me, and me asking him to repeat himself all the time because his accent is so thick. And I would get irritated with his scottish, working class attitude.
shamen Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 It sounds like it's going famously! Bummer in that he has brought up the staying thing... eww. Way to crack the mood and groove that you have going on there. Can I just live vicariously through you for a while? You're right. With him in Europe and you here, there's obviously no way that that is going to work. What the heck is he thinking?? (What is it with men with accents? I like the English and Irish ones the best!) Hope that it stays as low stress as possible... and that you don't get any more weird statements from your vacation fling!
RecordProducer Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Does non-exclusivity allow you to also sleep with other people or just date them?
Author blind_otter Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Does non-exclusivity allow you to also sleep with other people or just date them? To me? Just date them. If I'm sleeping with someone I only sleep with one person at a time.
citygrrl Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 My BF got mad at me because somehow he had "assumed" that we were exclusive - we never had the "talk" - so I dated other people and was with the understanding that we were not yet exclusive because we never had "the talk"! I dated other guys, but never slept with any of them... It would have been nice for him to let me know that we were exclusive, though!!! IMO until there is that talk, both parties are free to date whomever they choose!!!!
prisoner Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 actual dates like you see three movies and have three dinners out with three or four different people or is it more like hanging out socially where there is potential but then they all fall by the way side until there is one left? or are there two left and they duel for your honor? i am not being funny, i mean it, are we talking real dates here like you get flowers more than once a month? like you are being wooed in many directions?
tiki Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I think that exclusivity needs to be mutually agreed upon. BUT, I do feel like you should let the other party know that you have no intent to be exclusive UNTIL it's agreed upon.
jp79 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I've noticed it's mostly women answering the original post in this thread, and the consensus seems to be that it's ok to date multiple guys as long as you haven't had "the talk". And yet, a couple of posters mention that their boyfriends had problems accepting this, and assumed exclusivity when there was none. As a guy, I would make the same assumption (if I had been on real dates with the girl, not just "coffee after work" or something). I think this might be a bigger problem than some people here realize... A LOT of guys naturally assume exclusivity, just as a lot of girls assume the opposite. It's probably the way we're programmed. Women like to be pursued by suitors, and get their pick of the best one. Men like to know that their efforts are being appreciated, and that they are not just being compared to other men. I'm not saying it's right, but that's how it is. Obviously, there's a lot of miscommunication going on here. It would only be fair if women warn men about their intentions if they suspect that the man has misunderstood. Anyway, just my take.
Author blind_otter Posted April 13, 2005 Author Posted April 13, 2005 I go out on dates, or talk on the phone, or hang out in a relaxed, sociable manner, with guys, one-on-one, usually more than one at a time. I make it no secret that they have to earn that right to exclusivity, but I also make it clear that I am having sex with one guy at a time. I dunno, I DO refer to the guys as "my friend" and even if we run into each other I will be like, oh this is my friend blah blah.
prisoner Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 dating includes talking on the phone? why because there is potential? hanging out in a relaxed manner? being sociable? let me ask you htis? have you ever told a guy you think you are dating but not exclusive and he thinks that you are not even dating? is it all because the guys don't initiate this 'talk' or is it because you want to initiate the 'talk'? i just want to understand because it seems as though all you are really doing is making sure your options are open and healthily not committing to a situation too quickly. i guess i have to remember that you are self described 'emotionally unavailable' but is that because there is no 'talk' yet? hmmmmm
alphamale Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by jp79 I think this might be a bigger problem than some people here realize... A LOT of guys naturally assume exclusivity, just as a lot of girls assume the opposite. It's probably the way we're programmed. Women like to be pursued by suitors, and get their pick of the best one. WRONG WRONG WRONG JP79. Usually it is the woman who assumes exclusivity, not the man. A man's nature is to try to be with as many women as possible. It is the woman's responsibility to bring up the "talk" and ask for exclusivity just as it is the man's responsibility to ask for her hand in marriage. In addition, women actually like to do the chasing of the man they are truly interested in. Women choose which man they want, men have no say in the matter.
jp79 Posted April 13, 2005 Posted April 13, 2005 I TOTALLY disagree with you Alpha, based on personal experience. I honestly believe that every last one of my male friends would assume exclusivity (except for that one friend who we lovingly describe as the male whore... but he's a different story ). My female friends, on the other hand, have very "liberal" views on relationships, and contrary to what popular opinion would have us believe, they tend to be much less likely to settle for a single guy. Rather, I see them hopping around from guy to guy to guy. I see this with my own eyes. This concept that guys are always trying to have as many women as possible is so cliche. Sure there are lots of guys out there who are like that (I DEFINITELY do not dispute that), but there are lots of women like that too (I've met them! ). But if we are talking about average, decent types of people, I think the picture is the way I have painted it.
Author blind_otter Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner dating includes talking on the phone? why because there is potential? No, you can talk on the phone to whoever, but there is a flirtacious quality to the conversations I have with guys I am interested in. Dating might be the wrong word to use...seeing people? hanging out with people in a romantically geared but not exclusive manner? what would you describe it as? Originally posted by prisoner hanging out in a relaxed manner? being sociable? let me ask you htis? have you ever told a guy you think you are dating but not exclusive and he thinks that you are not even dating? No. Originally posted by prisoner is it all because the guys don't initiate this 'talk' or is it because you want to initiate the 'talk'? No, sometimes they are flings, sometimes they peter out on their own without the talk occuring. Originally posted by prisoner i just want to understand because it seems as though all you are really doing is making sure your options are open and healthily not committing to a situation too quickly. i guess i have to remember that you are self described 'emotionally unavailable' but is that because there is no 'talk' yet? I thought it was healthy, but I had a convo with someone who was unfamiliar with the concept, they assumed serial monogamy even in dating. I wanted to see if I really was that much of a hussy or if there were other females like me.
gridiron Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 I assume nothing until it is discussed. Until then, everything is fair game. I would agree with alpha that if anyone assumes anything prematurely, it is usually the girl. If someone can't even tell you they want to go to a different level of dating, then this is someone who will not communicate well and will take certain things for granted in a relationship, and is not someone I would be interested in anything long-term anyway.
prisoner Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 thanks. that clears it all up for me B_O. i guess i wanted to know what made you ask in the first place. i am obsessed with the base impulses. IME everyone jumps to a million conclusions. there is a lot of nonsense that pushes non-verbal communication but I have seen that backfire like crazy. and turn out to be a waste of time. women jump to conclusions? sure. so do men. we can blame each other half the time when all it would have taken is a slice of pie and a cup of coffee before the uncomfortable walk back to the front door. i know this couple. grew up together.grade school. valentibnes cards in crayon. the whole bit. he turns thirteen and asks 'are you beginning to like me'? she is mortified. he becomes ashamed of himself. they don't speak for ten years. he is ridiculed by his siblings. you guessed it. they meet again. they do the catch up on old times dinner. after catching up becomes new experiences (ahh the irony of nostalgia) he asks her again. except this time he prefaces it with 'i am beginning to like you'. this time it works. they are married HEA. his attitude changed. her attitude. that is the point. our attitudes toward verbal communication changes all the time. people know ehen they are being flirted with, but only some of the time. serial monogamy? that's a disease, right?
Author blind_otter Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner serial monogamy? that's a disease, right? I think so. In any event, I used to hop from guy to guy and now I am single, but I still want to mingle, and I don't want committment. I have guys that I would definately be interested in persuing more from, but I don't think it would end well if I did it now, so I keep it casual. Does that make sense? I am not an all or nothing gal, anymore....
prisoner Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 you are still all or nothing. you are just discerning. and smarter than you were. it is more than okay that you have learned something along the way. who knows what you will want in a year? in ten? you are organic. free. intelligent. progresso. i also wonder if it has somethingto do with what you are hearing. do you think there is something that you know you want but you are waiting for it to show itself? being protective is okay too. somewhere between not at all and over protective is where we all end up eventually. it takes alot of time sometimes, though. what ever you are doing as long as it is what you want. sensibly selfish. and you are proving that you are committed to yourself. now that is high on the list. are you comfortable with the way things are?are you ever not or wish you would let them evolve? have you ever put the brakes on and not been happy with it? is there something else in your life that is blossoming? i would hazard 'yes' as a guess. please excuse the fortune cookie but: growing in different directions requires pruning in others.
Author blind_otter Posted April 14, 2005 Author Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner i also wonder if it has somethingto do with what you are hearing. do you think there is something that you know you want but you are waiting for it to show itself? are you comfortable with the way things are?are you ever not or wish you would let them evolve? have you ever put the brakes on and not been happy with it? is there something else in your life that is blossoming? i would hazard 'yes' as a guess. please excuse the fortune cookie but: growing in different directions requires pruning in others. I don't know exactly what I want, then again I should re-phrase that, it's not something that I can verbalize....but I think/hope it would be something that I would recognize when the time comes. You know the reverse is true for me, actually....I have regretted NOT putting the brakes on a relationship before, and there was one incident I remember clearly where I was GLAD GLAD GLAD that I put the brakes on and I was brutally honest with the dude, "the more I get to know about you, the less inclined I am to actually hang out with/talk to you/develop anything further." He, naturally, objected....who wants that commentary on their character. But the dude, I found out, had *stabbed* someone once, so that's not exactly the best moral fiber. Well someone's gotta love him, hahaha. Oh, can I use that "fortune cookie" in my sig?
prisoner Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 now that has made me laugh today. it is refereshing to hear that you recognize the truth. how is it possible that love can be something we can always explain? how can we always verbalize what we want? i say we can't. i say we have no business always having the checklist ready. i like that you know that whatever it is cannot be photographed (so to speak). hope you would recognize? do you know how that thing would make you feel? back to the thread: is it the best policy to simply outright state: we are not exclusive? or is it better (IYE) to wait and see what move they make?
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