kendahke Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I was surprised about some answers though- Never have I said that I'm forbidding him to go to that weekend, never! I also didn't say I don't want him to go or anything like that. He told me about it and I smiled and said ok, no problem. Is it really, truthfully and honestly "no problem"? Because if you *really* had no problem with it, this thread wouldn't be here. This would be a non issue and you'd have carried on with your day. The truth of the matter is, you DO have a problem with it and it is of such a magnitude that you came to a bunch of strangers to ask what would we do. A good first step would be to own your truth and stand in the middle of it, even when you have to take your butt whippin' for it. A double-minded person is unstable in all their ways. And the whole "I trust him, I just don't trust everyone else around him" is really you saying "I don't trust his judgment unless I'm there to approve his every move". You might as well lock him in the bathroom when you can't be around to keep an eye on him because if he was of the mind to cheat, he'd have made a move in that direction. It wouldn't take a trip out of town to accomplish that feat. maybe I've seen to many movies or whatever. When I think of bachelor parties I think of a bunch of really drunk guys in a stripclub licking cream from a stripper's boob. Maybe I have too much fantasy. you do understand that movies are scripts written and re-written by writers, shot by film crews, multiple takes are made and they are screened by audiences in Pacoima, Chatsworth and Northridge, CA to see the reaction and edited to achieve the reaction they're after before going into wide release, right? All controlled circumstances. Life isn't a movie. Might be a good idea to put down the movies for a while. Your guy isn't playing some role in a romantic comedy. It's my understanding that unless a guy wants to pull his face from out of the back of his head after it was pounded in by the bouncers, they are not to put their hands on the stripper. If he doesn't want a lap dance, he can stand up and walk outside. You are going to have to trust him to make the right decision. If he can't do that, then why would you marry a man whose judgment you can't trust? That makes absolutely no sense. 1
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Yes but bachelor parties are bachelor parties and it really depends on the bachelors what they get up to. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/513694-my-best-friend-s-bachelor-party I am going to blow some money on slot machines, I am going to do sexual things with women in front of the guys (if it comes to that)
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 How many guys are regulars at strip clubs? It's got to be a tiny amount of the population at least in the US, so I'm not even sure why women mention that like it's some kind of plus, when I've never even heard of anyone having that problem with their SO, let alone personally known someone who did it...it's expensive to look at some boobies, albeit more can happen than that, it's just up to the guy and the stripper but chances are it's not really going to be down most guys alley...every guy likes looking at naked women but guys don't tend to like it that "easy" either, there's no "thrill of the hunt" for men if they're paying for it and you're paying for whatever else is getting too...so unless they feel like they're getting extras other men aren't, they're not going to stick around. These holiday weekends can be a bit different...but why are women always looking at the "friends" as a bad influence? I swear, I can't tell you how many times I've seen women blame the friends on something that guy himself did all on his lonesome or the guy is the actual worse one but she pulls out the fangs and cat claws to the friends because she's a clueless nagging nanny who doesn't even know what's going on and who this guy is when she isn't around. And it's not like guys hang out with guys who have TOTALLY different lifestyles or personalities...If they are your "friends" then I'd think there has to be something you have in common or you wouldn't be hanging out with them in the first place right? let alone being your best buds? The guy has already cheated in the past...so did his friend, your guy may not like to drink but a lot of guys actually don't, it just comes with the territory of partying and going out and once you get past that line of not drinking by drinking a lot, then you're right on board with the rest of the guys and can do the same stupid things. Women dread this situation because they know guys can cheat, it's almost like giving half a green light to the possibility of something happening and of course that would make you nervous, and you're obviously trying to cover up the "romance" of your relationship by saying you're not that kind of girl...right, because every girl likes being proposed to nonchalantly over a grand slam breakfast at IHOP...bend over backwards and delude yourself much? I see you being very typical in trying to paint your guy in a certain light, interpret all his behavior because of his own lack of communication and manipulating everything into what you want to see/hear and take the things he has said that you WANT to believe as justification...but like most women you know when something doesn't feel right so you play this little game of trying to talk yourself into it, because you don't like it and you ultimately don't trust him. But you can't do anything about it anyway...you chose this guy, this is his friends and if they are his friends and believe me, they are more like him than you'll ever want to know. So far you played it cool and kept quiet, if you can maintain the peace until he comes back then you can get through this and he might actually think you're pretty awesome for being cool about it even though you're turning in your skin worrying about it. But he doesn't know what you're thinking, just like he probably doesn't know a lot of other things...with that awesome generic relationship communication. But you're still trying to bag this marriage, so be hush hush...don't rock the boat, and be a good little girlfriend because I'm sure it'll all change once you get married and he'll be even more trustworthy ...and you will finally get EVERYTHING that you've ever wanted...weeeeee *spins under the falling rain of rose pedals*..hey, at least you got a "commitment" right?
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Yes I agree, it is also the woman with the bf/fiance/husband, that is supposed to be sedate, that is often leading the charge for a wild night, when she does get out. Whereas the singles are thinking of going home for a hot chocolate, she is still swigging Tequila and giving blokes the eye. This potential party goer, lest we forget, is also the guy with the unexplained long black hair in the bed. The oodles of women according to his pal, and the "love of his life" ex he kept texting.
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 OP Just a thought. This city he is visiting, is it anywhere near where the ex stays? No. All of the exes I know of live in a different city (his home city where he lived 29 years of his life), around one flight hour from here and from the city where he's going. And he couldn't lie to me about going to a bachelor party and go to see an ex instead because as I said, we have a good friend in common who would def tell me if there was no bachelor party or if my bf didn't show up. 1
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Is it really, truthfully and honestly "no problem"? Because if you *really* had no problem with it, this thread wouldn't be here. This would be a non issue and you'd have carried on with your day. Obviously it is a problem, otherwise I wouldn't have posted here. I told him I feel uneasy about it and he says I shouldn't worry. I guess there isn't much more to do. I know I have to trust him and I'm not going to forbid him to go there because I'm worried that something could happen. I'm realizing that that's not healthy.
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Women dread this situation because they know guys can cheat, it's almost like giving half a green light to the possibility of something happening and of course that would make you nervous, and you're obviously trying to cover up the "romance" of your relationship by saying you're not that kind of girl...right, because every girl likes being proposed to nonchalantly over a grand slam breakfast at IHOP...bend over backwards and delude yourself much? Excuse me? Sorry to destroy your stereotypes, but not all women are looking for a shining prince on a white horse who's riding to the sunset with them. I don't even care if you believe me or not, but I'm not the romantic type (at least not over the top- Obviously I like having a glass of wine at the beach, which my bf/fiance likes too). But yea, if you want to believe I'm covering up that deep down inside I wanna be a little princess who wants a proposal with a diamond ring at Niagara falls that's your choice. 1
Standard-Fare Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 OP, try to reverse the scenario. If you and your girlfriends went out partying and ended up at a male strip club, it would all just be in good fun, right? Even if you or your friends did have some physical contact with the strippers. Nothing that happened there would threaten a marriage. Assume the same of your BF. He might let his guard down, he might get rowdier than usual, and he might not be a perfect angel... but if your relationship is solid nothing you really should have nothing to fear.
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 OP, try to reverse the scenario. If you and your girlfriends went out partying and ended up at a male strip club, it would all just be in good fun, right? Even if you or your friends did have some physical contact with the strippers. Nothing that happened there would threaten a marriage. Assume the same of your BF. He might let his guard down, he might get rowdier than usual, and he might not be a perfect angel... but if your relationship is solid nothing you really should have nothing to fear. Men though view sex differently, or so we are always told, they can more easily separate love from sex.
OMC Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 It isn't a matter of viewpoint, it is a matter of morals. And, as we know, questionable morals knows no gender.
MissBee Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) Okay, I really don't understand why everyone is making it about cheating. Just because someone trusts their partner not to cheat doesn't mean they have to automatically be thrilled about the prospect of naked crotches flying in their partner's face all weekend. I mean, lets ramp this up a notch. Say your girlfriend wants to party all weekend with her single male friends, and she is going to spend the night sharing a hotel room with one of them. She assures you that she isn't attracted to any of them, she isn't going to cheat on you, and she has never cheated on you before. You trust her, right? Are you going to be completely okay with her going? It isn't all about trust or cheating. Sometimes it's about comfort levels and boundaries. I agree that in the OP's case there really is not much choice but for him to go, but all the 'you know if he wanted to cheat he'd cheat regardless?!' is quite redundant. I'm pretty sure the OP isn't expecting him to cheat on her with strippers either. There are just various situations that each of us would be uncomfortable with even if we were 100% sure our partner would not sleep with them. It's only human. I totally understand what you're saying but the post that the OP opened with made it seem like her concern was about him and other women more than anything else so that's probably why people have focused on the issue of trust and cheating as she's the one who said: I don't know, I smiled but I just cannot let go of the thought of him being in another city with his party animal friends, being really wasted, going to strip clubs (he already said they're probably gonna go to strip clubs.. btw there won't be sightseeing because all of them know the city already) and maybe a stripper grinding her ass in his lap. Or maybe worse, meeting girls in clubs, Who knows. Usually I do trust him, but this all seems too much for me. It seemed, to me at least, that since she said the worse part was him potentially meeting women at clubs (not even strippers) that she was indeed worried about a cheating scenario aided by influence from his "party animal" peers. Which is another thing, I get peer pressure and peer influence, but I think by time we're adults we cannot blame our partner's friends for anything they choose to do and should choose people who aren't going to mindlessly go along with everything their friends choose to do. I get the discomfort, I guess for me my concern would have been more so about safety and making sure no one is drinking and driving than "I hope he's not going to meet women at clubs." I'd just focus on if he communicates and is in touch while away so I know that he's safe and all is well, I wouldn't jump to assuming that once away all hell will break loose and that the worse of such hell would include women. Edited February 2, 2015 by MissBee 1
RedRobin Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Oh, yeah, I totally agree with this. Trust is very, very important. I just don't agree with making everything about trust... eventually all of us have limits to what we are comfortable with despite there being trust. I don't agree with some of the people who are bashing the OP for having them. Same here. Part of any successful relationship is being able to voice concerns as they come up (within reason) and feeling like our partner cares. There is an element of protection for the other person's feelings and needs that is at play here. It goes both ways. How is he going to react when other situations come up. Just pretend it doesn't exist? I mean, seriously, how good of friends ARE these other guys anyway... that this guy he hasn't talked to in however long gets a higher priority than the feelings of the person he is thinking about spending his LIFE with, for chrissakes. It's not like he can't go to Vegas any damn time. He could. I'm betting he can't find another woman like the OP any damn time though. I hope he remembers THAT. It's not like this is his best bud since childhood who saved his life after falling in the lake blah blah... It's some random dudes he used to hang out with in HS... and this is his excuse to go whoop it up in Vegas. Really? That's his idea of fun? I just don't get it.
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