Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I've always wondered about these kinds of situations... Have you asked him what his boundaries are, and then listen? Then he's telling you what you want to know - how far will he go in this thing? - and by asking him and listening to his answer, you are essentially getting a clear commitment from him, on his terms, without you presuming to "give permission" or declare anything. I don't know - just one approach. Yes. He said he wouldn't ever touch a stripper or let her do a lap dance or anything like that. I think I'll have to trust that.
MissBee Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Hi, My boyfriend(30) of 2.5 years (living together, serious relationship, prob wanna get married this year) told me one of his old friends from high school is getting married and he's having a bachelor's weekend next month where he wants to go. I feel really really uneasy about that. It's not just a night, it's a whole weekend in a different city an hour flight from here (not Vegas or Atlantic city, but also a big city where you can have a lot of fun). I know his old friends and I know they are crazy party animals and love to get wasted. He doesn't hang out much with them because we live in another city with them (but the city where the bachelor weekend will be is in a different city than all of those) and because usually my boyfriend doesn't like going to clubs. He likes drinking though. I don't know, I smiled but I just cannot let go of the thought of him being in another city with his party animal friends, being really wasted, going to strip clubs (he already said they're probably gonna go to strip clubs.. btw there won't be sightseeing because all of them know the city already) and maybe a stripper grinding her ass in his lap. Or maybe worse, meeting girls in clubs, Who knows. Usually I do trust him, but this all seems too much for me. Of course I also don't want to forbid it but I just can't help it. What would you do? Thanks for any advice. If I can't trust you then I can't be with you. I genuinely do not believe that if your boyfriend (or anyone) isn't of the mind to cheat that one weekend away they will all of a sudden go on a cheating spree. If the only reason he isn't cheating is because he is with you in the same city 24/7 then to me that's a problem. It should be that whether he is with you or in another town, at a club or drinking he's not cheating. For me, that's how I view it so wouldn't have a problem with my guy going. I don't like the thought of being a helicopter gf hovering over a man. I like men who have friends, a life, can do things without me and the beauty of trust is knowing he can have fun and go away and come back to me. I'd personally tell my guy to go and take pics. As long as he is checking in with me on his weekend away I'd feel secure. 2
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 unless he has cheated before, let him go. cheaters shouldn't be allowed freedoms like that imo, but a guy who has never done anything, it should be fine and you shouldn't even mention it. if you are having issues they are *your* issues and you need to examine why you have mistrust/jealousy, etc. towards someone who hasn't given you reason Actually he has cheated in the past, but not on me (as far as I know ). He told me one time that he has once cheated on an ex-girlfriend. Maybe that's a thing that worries me as well (although me myself I have also once cheated on an ex in the past, so I guess I cannot say anything).
Friskyone4u Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 He gave you the wrong answer. You don't have to trust him with those friends. He is going to be with a bunch of in your opinion party animals with a lot of alcohol and encouragement to do something stupid. Now, if you are fine with him going to strip clubs and getting lap dances then I guess it's OK, because you know that is going to happen. Now, if you are opposed, make sure that you are not going to tell him next year you are going to a bachelorette party with male strippers and call him jealous or controlling if he does not like it. I have daughters in their 20's and find they have a lot of friends concerned about their boyfriends or husbands behavior but have no problem leaving the house dressed with outfits not much less revealing than what a stripper would start out in and going to a club filled with horny guys and acting like Spring Break. And they call that " girls night out" , but the men are acting like "pigs" if they act the same way. If you intend on doing the same thing at some point with your girlfriends then yes you need to trust him. If not, then you have a right to voice your displeasure and opposition to this week end thing.
bathtub-row Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Sorry but that's bull**** in my opinion. I'm not a very romantic person myself and I liked it much more when he suddenly asked me at breakfast if I wanna marry him, instead of proposing to me with a too expensive ring at sunset on a beach. He knows me and he knows that would have been too much for me. And I know he isn't that kind of guy either. So what? My parents by the way had a similar 'proposal' and they have been happily married for 32 years now. I agree about the overly elaborate proposals. I think they're pretty silly. But this guy didn't propose at all. They just discussed it. I just think there's something wrong as to why she doesn't trust him.
bathtub-row Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Actually he has cheated in the past, but not on me (as far as I know ). He told me one time that he has once cheated on an ex-girlfriend. Maybe that's a thing that worries me as well (although me myself I have also once cheated on an ex in the past, so I guess I cannot say anything). It only matters if he didn't learn anything from it.
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I agree about the overly elaborate proposals. I think they're pretty silly. But this guy didn't propose at all. They just discussed it. I just think there's something wrong as to why she doesn't trust him. Well, what's the definition of a proposal? We were sitting at breakfast, when he suddenly said something like 'Listen, there is this thing I wanted to ask you.. I have been thinking about it and I really think we should get married. What do you think?' And then we discussed it a bit and that's it. Isn't that a proposal? I mean he asked me to marry him. As far as I know that's the only definition there is.
RedRobin Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Book your own trip without him. Maybe with some friends or maybe not... to some place you always wanted to go. Hawaii would be awesome. Caribbean is pretty nice this time of year. Oh, I just got back from Goa, India. The Arabian Sea is amazing! At best, it will take your mind off of things. At worst, you'll get some time away to reevaluate how strong this relationship of yours really is and how well you really think you know him. If you are having doubts, then I'd say don't get married. The guy is 30 and should be getting past the crazy party days anyway. The time for getting wasted and doing stupid things is early-mid twenties, if you ask me. I dumped a new friend once who took me to her friend's party where they were all smoking pot and getting hammered. She was older than me and so were her friends... they were all in their 40's and I'm busting my ass trying to get through grad school. These weren't people I wanted to emulate or be around. One of them grabbed my ass. Claaaaasssssy! Maybe that's another reason you are uneasy. You are thinking he should be past this and wondering if he's going to be bringing these stray cats he calls his friends around after the festivities are over. yea, that probably would be a disappointment. You thought you knew him, and he drags these losers out of his high-school closet to relive the glory days, lol. 2
GildedLily Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Well, what's the definition of a proposal? We were sitting at breakfast, when he suddenly said something like 'Listen, there is this thing I wanted to ask you.. I have been thinking about it and I really think we should get married. What do you think?' And then we discussed it a bit and that's it. Isn't that a proposal? I mean he asked me to marry him. As far as I know that's the only definition there is. I think that's the beginning of a talk about getting married; there's still a question ( proposal) that's in order. I think there's a reason you started your original post with "my boyfriend...." Don't go to a male strip club but do go with your girl friends, maybe a spa get away?
Versacehottie Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 hmmm, well you can not like it but at the same time TRUST him to go. Sometimes stuff like this just doesn't fit within a person's jealousy/trust comfort zone and it sounds like that is what is happening here. But if you trust him, you need to let it go and let him go and enjoy himself. As others have said, things can happen and are much more likely to at supermarket or work. Plus maybe this is just a pet peeve, but I wish people would stop blaming their boyfriend's friends. If he acts like a jerk or untrustworthy around them, that's still on him. I understand all that you are saying about your proposal and getting married. Think the best course of action as it applies to this situation is take it as an opportunity to allow some freedom and build some trust. If you are moving toward marriage, that's a must. No one wants to marry or be a zookeeper. I think you handled it right so far with your reaction. Instinctively you know it's not a good idea to try to control someone. Now try your very best to live up to what YOU put forth.
bathtub-row Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Well, what's the definition of a proposal? We were sitting at breakfast, when he suddenly said something like 'Listen, there is this thing I wanted to ask you.. I have been thinking about it and I really think we should get married. What do you think?' And then we discussed it a bit and that's it. Isn't that a proposal? I mean he asked me to marry him. As far as I know that's the only definition there is. I got you confused with someone else and didn't realize you were the OP. Sorry about that. As far as his proposal, I think it sounds fine. In your other post it was worded in such a way that it sounded odd -- we decided to get married, or something along those lines. I realize now that you meant that in a different way. If there are no real issues between the two of you, then I think you have no choice but to trust him in this situation. If he has cheated on someone before, and if he's smart, he'll remember how that complicated things and how crappy it made him feel. It's doubtful that he'll go down that path again.
BeatsByDirk Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Why is OP still arguing about the legitimacy of her proposal and relationship. It's all legit, it's all appropriate, I don't see the problem. I don't even see the problem of her being a little worried, she should be in a way. It depends on him and his friends. She would probably never know the difference. Coke! Does he do coke? If yes be worried he's gonna party, there will be hoes and it's gonna be a blast! If no, if he and his friends are on the decent kinda nerdy side then don't worry too much. Even though you have a right to worry, you shouldn't , bachelor party indiscretions don't mean anything to most dudes. It's like watching a porno. I would recommend working on the prudishness! My wife buys me lap dances, it's not a big deal! Just hall pass ur in your mind and forget about it, go have some fun doing whatever it is you like to do.
Scaatys2014 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 You throw your shoulders back, hold your head high, give him a HUGE smooch, a smack on the a@@ and tell him to HAVE A GREAT TIME with his friends!! While he's gone, you make your own plans with your friends. You HAVE to trust him. If you forbid him to go, show ANY insecurity, YOU are going to look crazy. Honestly, you cannot be with your guy 24/7. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way no matter what..... even if you kick up a fuss and forbid him to go to certain places or out with certain people. They can just lie about it. Give him credit, at least he was upfront about it.
Els Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Honestly, you cannot be with your guy 24/7. If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way no matter what..... even if you kick up a fuss and forbid him to go to certain places or out with certain people. They can just lie about it. Give him credit, at least he was upfront about it. Okay, I really don't understand why everyone is making it about cheating. Just because someone trusts their partner not to cheat doesn't mean they have to automatically be thrilled about the prospect of naked crotches flying in their partner's face all weekend. I mean, lets ramp this up a notch. Say your girlfriend wants to party all weekend with her single male friends, and she is going to spend the night sharing a hotel room with one of them. She assures you that she isn't attracted to any of them, she isn't going to cheat on you, and she has never cheated on you before. You trust her, right? Are you going to be completely okay with her going? It isn't all about trust or cheating. Sometimes it's about comfort levels and boundaries. I agree that in the OP's case there really is not much choice but for him to go, but all the 'you know if he wanted to cheat he'd cheat regardless?!' is quite redundant. I'm pretty sure the OP isn't expecting him to cheat on her with strippers either. There are just various situations that each of us would be uncomfortable with even if we were 100% sure our partner would not sleep with them. It's only human. 2
Haydn Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Okay, I really don't understand why everyone is making it about cheating. Just because someone trusts their partner not to cheat doesn't mean they have to automatically be thrilled about the prospect of naked crotches flying in their partner's face all weekend. I mean, lets ramp this up a notch. Say your girlfriend wants to party all weekend with her single male friends, and she is going to spend the night sharing a hotel room with one of them. She assures you that she isn't attracted to any of them, she isn't going to cheat on you, and she has never cheated on you before. You trust her, right? Are you going to be completely okay with her going? It isn't all about trust or cheating. Sometimes it's about comfort levels and boundaries. I agree that in the OP's case there really is not much choice but for him to go, but all the 'you know if he wanted to cheat he'd cheat regardless?!' is quite redundant. I'm pretty sure the OP isn't expecting him to cheat on her with strippers either. There are just various situations that each of us would be uncomfortable with even if we were 100% sure our partner would not sleep with them. It's only human. Thats a very good point. Sometimes us blokes really don`t put the shoe on the other foot. But there is nothing worse than no trust in a RS. (Man or Woman) It starts with this and then can end up like it did with me, receving a text every 5 minutes, then an interrogation. Questions that can only be answered, `yes or no` The reasons you don`t trust him may stem from something in the past about him? You`ll have to let him go and then see i guess. 1
Els Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Thats a very good point. Sometimes us blokes really don`t put the shoe on the other foot. But there is nothing worse than no trust in a RS. (Man or Woman) It starts with this and then can end up like it did with me, receving a text every 5 minutes, then an interrogation. Questions that can only be answered, `yes or no` Oh, yeah, I totally agree with this. Trust is very, very important. I just don't agree with making everything about trust... eventually all of us have limits to what we are comfortable with despite there being trust. I don't agree with some of the people who are bashing the OP for having them. 2
Haydn Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Oh, yeah, I totally agree with this. Trust is very, very important. I just don't agree with making everything about trust... eventually all of us have limits to what we are comfortable with despite there being trust. I don't agree with some of the people who are bashing the OP for having them. True, wobbles are quite normal. And i guess especially if your OH is off to a few clubs where booze is flowing and so are the outfits. Yes i would pause for thought. 1
Million.to.1 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I've never really had a problem with guys going to strip clubs. Most of my partners weren't into that sort of thing anyway. They are what they are and the woman there are of no real threat to me as far as my S.O is concerned. He went to one once for a staff party.. I didn't care. It's just a big fake universe with zero authenticity. He thought it was pretty tacky. Girls are being paid to flirt and show off their bodies.. and the guys know this. Any dude that goes to a strip club and takes "come hither" eyes at face value is a moron. It's harmless stupid fun. I mainly feel sorry for the girls. It must suck to have to do that for a job. I'm sure that there will be some nice young titties to look at and girls that can go spread eagle on a pole which I'm sure is pleasant for guys to look at while drinking beer. Big deal. What really is the harm in it? Fact is, my SO is a man. And men like looking at naked woman. No man will ever stop looking at random hot women all of a sudden because they are in a relationship, regardless of how happy or fulfilled he is. Some are just more subtle about it. Strippers are of no real threat to you or your connection with your partner. (unless he is really stupid.). You've got to trust that. 2
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 There is a lot of discussion about strippers here but perhaps they are not the real problem. Strippers may be no threat but what about other women? Clubbing, ONSs and even prostitutes may be in the picture. Sex workers like strippers and lap dancers can provide "extras" too and so it may not be just be "stupid fun" Why is it necessary to go to another city? I guess they are not going sight seeing. There is a lot of turning a blind eye here, as if any impropriety is not on the cards, when these are in reality partying adult men, free to do what they want with no comeback as it is in a different city (what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas), and anything is indeed possible. The OP is right to have concerns, and no amount of " I will be good" is going to hold any water after quite a few shots, a line of coke and the chance of an easy lay. 2
Author labayer Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 I have to agree, it's not just about cheating, it's also just the idea of him being in a stripclub and his friends paying him a lap dance or whatever. I know you shouldn't blame just the friends, but in this case I just feel like he could act differently around them. He's a rather calm guy, doesn't go much to bars and never to clubs and rarely drinks a lot. That's probably one of the reasons why he isn't hanging out much with those friends anymore because they are quite the opposit. Going out every weekend even though they're all in their early 30ies, drink a lot. I know one of those guys quite well (he's our mutual friend who introduced us three years ago) and even though he's a great friend, he's a terrible boyfriend. He admitted that he cheated several times on his longtime girlfriend and doesn't seem to mind at all. I trust my bf, but I'm just so worried he could get really drunk and maybe meet some random girl at a club or whatever. No coke by the way. My boyfriend is really against drugs. Once I told him I have tried coke in the past and he was really shocked.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I have to agree, it's not just about cheating, it's also just the idea of him being in a stripclub and his friends paying him a lap dance or whatever. I know you shouldn't blame just the friends, but in this case I just feel like he could act differently around them. He's a rather calm guy, doesn't go much to bars and never to clubs and rarely drinks a lot. That's probably one of the reasons why he isn't hanging out much with those friends anymore because they are quite the opposit. Going out every weekend even though they're all in their early 30ies, drink a lot. I know one of those guys quite well (he's our mutual friend who introduced us three years ago) and even though he's a great friend, he's a terrible boyfriend. He admitted that he cheated several times on his longtime girlfriend and doesn't seem to mind at all. I trust my bf, but I'm just so worried he could get really drunk and maybe meet some random girl at a club or whatever. No coke by the way. My boyfriend is really against drugs. Once I told him I have tried coke in the past and he was really shocked. I think this combined with the fact that your own boyfriend/fiance cheated on a past girlfriend is what's making you feel mistrustful. If he's going to cheat on you, there's not a lot you can do anyway. 3
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 I have to agree, it's not just about cheating, it's also just the idea of him being in a stripclub and his friends paying him a lap dance or whatever. I know you shouldn't blame just the friends, but in this case I just feel like he could act differently around them. He's a rather calm guy, doesn't go much to bars and never to clubs and rarely drinks a lot. That's probably one of the reasons why he isn't hanging out much with those friends anymore because they are quite the opposit. Going out every weekend even though they're all in their early 30ies, drink a lot. I know one of those guys quite well (he's our mutual friend who introduced us three years ago) and even though he's a great friend, he's a terrible boyfriend. He admitted that he cheated several times on his longtime girlfriend and doesn't seem to mind at all. I trust my bf, but I'm just so worried he could get really drunk and maybe meet some random girl at a club or whatever. No coke by the way. My boyfriend is really against drugs. Once I told him I have tried coke in the past and he was really shocked. Your 1st Q was what would I do if my BF wanted to go out of town to a bachelor party for a weekend. My answer is I'd drive him to the AP. Is this really a weekend party or will it just become that for your BF because he has to fly to go see his friends? My Q to you is who cheated? Your BF or your mutual friend? The "he" in the above highlighted text can refer to either. If it was your BF, that does explain your mistrust. However, if you don't trust him, don't marry him. If it was the other guy, just because he's a cheater, doesn't mean his poor judgment will influence your BF. While I'm not a big believer in "tests" in a relationship this is a big one for you. Both fidelity and communication are being tested here. So far you are failing the communications test. You lied to your BF. You don't want him to go, but instead of telling him that you hid your real feelings. While you can't stop him from going & even if he goes after you tell him you prefer he didn't you can't get mad at him because he is a grown man, the better option was still to reveal your true feelings. If he goes & cheats, then you know you can't marry him. Very simple. IMO, strip clubs are not the same as prostitutes even though some prostitutes may work there. While I would not date / marry somebody who went to one all the time, once in a while for a bachelor party, is no big deal. You have to figure out where you draw the line in the sand -- for me it was initimate touching. I understand about a brief brush to put the money in the G-string but more than that is a no no. Most guys I have ever been with shy away from these kinds of places because they are expensive & they don't like throwing away their hard earned money. However if your line in the sand is different & you don't agree with even walking in the building, you cannot marry a man who doesn't share that belief because without shared values & trust there is no meaningful solid foundation for a future. Finally, whatever you do, you have to have a safe space to have a discussion with your BF / FI about stuff like this. No shrieking or carrying on. As few tears as possible. If you can't have a meaningful discussion in a calm fashion, he's most likely going to lie to you. It's human nature to avoid histrionics. 2
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 My Q to you is who cheated? Your BF or your mutual friend? The "he" in the above highlighted text can refer to either. If it was your BF, that does explain your mistrust. However, if you don't trust him, don't marry him. Both the BF and his friend have cheated in the past.
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 The BF has not to her knowledge cheated on her, it was in a previous relationship.
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 OP Just a thought. This city he is visiting, is it anywhere near where the ex stays?
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