perihaven Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I've never navigated the dating world so I figure reaching out to a forum would be helpful. My previous long-term relationship grew out of a close friendship so dating isn't something I'm experienced in. The Situation: After meeting someone on an online dating app, we began texting and hit it off immediately - the chemistry was spectacular. After meeting in person, it was evident this chemistry carries over into in person interactions and he's repeatedly indicated his physical and emotional attraction towards me. We've known of each other's existence for about a month now and have had four dates. These are real dates with dinner, chivalry, and all that jazz. We've entered the intimate relations stage on the last date. We have an awesome time on dates and both acknowledge and verbalize our unreal connection happening so quickly. He's quite a gentleman and I really feel like he takes effort to impress me and create a good time. Here's the problem: his texting habits are sending me mixed signals. A couple weeks ago he told me that his job was going to be getting very intense for a few weeks meaning I may not be able to see/hear from him much. Prior to this, we texted pretty often in a playful manner. Texting is pretty much non existent now. The last I heard from him was four days ago, the morning after our last date where he sent a very sweet text mentioning how much he enjoys my company and that he looks forward to next time. I responded and he's not responded. I sent one more 'no-pressure, thinking of you text' three days ago but I don't want to appear clingy and keep texting him as he did say he was going to be busy with work but at the same time I'm not sure how little is too little before I can begin to assume he has no interest. Over the past couple weeks, we've gone a few days without texting and he does eventually text apologizing for his lack of contact. Perhaps I'm placing too much value in texting and not enough on the time we spend together. What are your thoughts on early male texting habits and what they mean, if anything?
carhill Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 If he's interested in dating you he'll ask you out on another date. In the meantime, date other men. To put it into my everyday dairy parlance, the cream rises to the top. 4
GemmaUK Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Every person is different. So far your actions have implied all is fine with not texting often over the past couple of week so if you aren't happy to you need to speak up and find a happy medium. Also, texts that require no response often get no response. He has already said things were going to be busy so maybe he isn't texting so as not to get into a drawn out text convo when he knows he will have to end it abruptly.
Author perihaven Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 Every person is different. So far your actions have implied all is fine with not texting often over the past couple of week so if you aren't happy to you need to speak up and find a happy medium. Also, texts that require no response often get no response. He has already said things were going to be busy so maybe he isn't texting so as not to get into a drawn out text convo when he knows he will have to end it abruptly. Thanks for that - I never thought about him not responding so as not to get caught up in a drawn-out conversation and it makes sense! I'm not really pleased with this lack of contact but I also don't want to keep badgering him for validation and responses. I have no reason to believe he's being dishonest about how busy he is. Its 2015 and I've grown up texting fairly often so I guess its just difficult for me to get some people aren't into texting if they prefer in person contact.
StalwartMind Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Every person is indeed different and likewise the way you communicate with others is also greatly varied. From texting, emailing, chatting, instant messaging, skyping, phone calls or voice chat, there is quite a diversity in how we each prefer. Our expectations of what we want out of any relationship is equally so. Despite these differences, you can always improve upon any type of communication, and if you are dealing with someone just a bit sensible, then it'll also be fairly easy to convey your own preference on how you would very much love to at least keep a certain standard when you message/talk to each other. None of us are mind readers which is all the more reason to tell someone if you'd like just a bit more from them. I don't think you'd be demanding something unreasonable by keeping at least in touch a bit more frequently.
Noproblem Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Hey, don't be that girl who waits by the phone all day waiting for her so called boyfriend to squeeze a minute of his time and ask for her! Live your life, go out and enjoy your time with others. Don't text him, and if he ever text reply curtly after 5 days! Let him see how much it hurts to be treated like this and to be put on hold! Maybe he is running away after the sex? You said you got intimate, maybe that's why he disappeared after getting what he wanted or maybe he really busy but there is no excuse for him to stop texting you for all that long time! But beside the topic: Do you know about my texting habits? I don't reply to people for 4 days sometimes 5 I have all the time in the world. I just don't feel like to respond! But I guess if it was my crush I would respond a bit sooner, so people makes the time when they like some one Edited February 1, 2015 by Noproblem
carhill Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 If his texting fell off after becoming intimate sexually, then I loathe being the harbinger of unpleasant news and will share that such styles, the hard sell then disappearing after sex, are classic womanizer signs, both the single and married versions.
oberkeat Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Four to five days no contact with someone you're having sex with regularly seems odd to me. Hard to say what's going on with him. Texting is such a muddy thing these days: neither person wants to appear needy or clingy, so often what happens is both folks end up saying nothing to eachother Maybe that's what's going on here. If you want to see him again, i think it would be acceptable for you to ask him out. send him a brief message like, "hey, what are you doing this weekend? :)"
Author perihaven Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 If his texting fell off after becoming intimate sexually, then I loathe being the harbinger of unpleasant news and will share that such styles, the hard sell then disappearing after sex, are classic womanizer signs, both the single and married versions. Haha, the goal was to solicit honest advice so please don't apologize for providing it! However, it was't the first time we were intimate - I meant to say that happened on the second to last date. After the first time, his work schedule got intense but every 3-4 days he did find time to send a text expressing how much he enjoyed it. Also we had the next date where we got frisky so since I can't read his mind, I'll take it his words and actions communicate he liked it. Basically, his behavior is on point except for this one thing about texting. I don't know if I'm being irrational and am wondering if I'm making too big a deal about it.
carhill Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 As someone who's had substantial contact with MW's and MM's, I have to fall back on an old slogan from a past president of our fair country, Ronald Reagan, who opined 'trust, but verify'. I'm sitting in my living room with my cat on my lap but could really be busy at work. It's really intense. I don't know when I'll have time to spit a few words into my smartphone (yeah, you know, dictation style, no typing necessary) to make contact with the woman I'm having sex with. Don't bother me, I'm busy. Heh.... Then again, I'm an old fart who's seen a lot of the world's underbelly so take it for what it's worth. 2
EgoJoe Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Initiate once and gauge his response. "Heyyy, thinking of you :)" Post here when/if he responds. 1
Author perihaven Posted February 3, 2015 Author Posted February 3, 2015 Initiate once and gauge his response. "Heyyy, thinking of you :)" Post here when/if he responds. So after taking everyone's advice into consideration, it was true that he'd have no idea that this communication thing is a bit bothersome. I sent him one last message (no pressure, short and sweet) mentioning I missed our texting but I realize he's busy and if I can look forward to seeing him again. He responded almost immediately saying work was going to be intense for another week but that I totally should look forward to seeing him again. He then sent another flirtatious text. He then gave me his email, saying email is better and for the time being it would be his preference and if I would be willing to do that. I think this could be due to the nature of his job - he works for a government agency and I know he doesn't have his phone on him. I sent him an email yesterday (haven't received a response yet but not too worried) and I guess this is good? He noted I wanted to continue to have some sort of communication open so he offered email as an option, would I be wrong in thinking that?
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 So after taking everyone's advice into consideration, it was true that he'd have no idea that this communication thing is a bit bothersome. I sent him one last message (no pressure, short and sweet) mentioning I missed our texting but I realize he's busy and if I can look forward to seeing him again. He responded almost immediately saying work was going to be intense for another week but that I totally should look forward to seeing him again. He then sent another flirtatious text. He then gave me his email, saying email is better and for the time being it would be his preference and if I would be willing to do that. I think this could be due to the nature of his job - he works for a government agency and I know he doesn't have his phone on him. I sent him an email yesterday (haven't received a response yet but not too worried) and I guess this is good? He noted I wanted to continue to have some sort of communication open so he offered email as an option, would I be wrong in thinking that? Well, I'd have preferred that as he is the one to halt communication for now (whatever the reason) he actually asked for your e-mail and sent you an e-mail first to keep in touch, in my eyes you're making yourself look a bit like you are hanging around waiting to see him again, which is not attractive in a date. If he isn't going to put any effort in via e-mail then I would really write this one off. I've always seen the 'I'm going to be really busy with work' as a bit of a cop-out generally, even busy people go and poop and can send a text on the toilet. As he doesn't have his phone on him however, perhaps I'd make a little bit of an exception, my last job was in a jail, I didn't have my phone on me and it'd have been inappropriate to message people personal stuff from my work e-mail account but if he is able to reaccess his phone at the end of every day like I was I don't know why work is an excuse. You've been seeing each other around four weeks and he's told you not to expect to hear from him much or see him for a few weeks. That is not a good sign. Someone who is really into the person they've started dating will make and find time to contact them daily, and if they ABSOLUTELY can't they'll explain clearly when they'll next be in touch instead of a vague 'busy for a few weeks' kinda excuse. My personal guess is that although he enjoyed your company, the SUPER compatible chemistry was felt more on your side than his, and instead of manning up and telling you he doesn't want to be anything more than friends, he is doing a slow fade-out instead. Maybe he doesn't feel he owes you any more than that after just a handful of dates (the fade-out is a well recognised technique!) or maybe he doesn't want to be the jerk that tells a woman they've literally just slept with that they don't want to date her any more, but whatever the reason I don't think he's into you enough for you to be hinging any hopes/expectations or efforts on him unless he starts pursuing you clearly. 1
oberkeat Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Well, I'd have preferred that as he is the one to halt communication for now (whatever the reason) he actually asked for your e-mail and sent you an e-mail first to keep in touch, in my eyes you're making yourself look a bit like you are hanging around waiting to see him again, which is not attractive in a date. If he isn't going to put any effort in via e-mail then I would really write this one off. I've always seen the 'I'm going to be really busy with work' as a bit of a cop-out generally, even busy people go and poop and can send a text on the toilet. As he doesn't have his phone on him however, perhaps I'd make a little bit of an exception, my last job was in a jail, I didn't have my phone on me and it'd have been inappropriate to message people personal stuff from my work e-mail account but if he is able to reaccess his phone at the end of every day like I was I don't know why work is an excuse. You've been seeing each other around four weeks and he's told you not to expect to hear from him much or see him for a few weeks. That is not a good sign. Someone who is really into the person they've started dating will make and find time to contact them daily, and if they ABSOLUTELY can't they'll explain clearly when they'll next be in touch instead of a vague 'busy for a few weeks' kinda excuse. My personal guess is that although he enjoyed your company, the SUPER compatible chemistry was felt more on your side than his, and instead of manning up and telling you he doesn't want to be anything more than friends, he is doing a slow fade-out instead. Maybe he doesn't feel he owes you any more than that after just a handful of dates (the fade-out is a well recognised technique!) or maybe he doesn't want to be the jerk that tells a woman they've literally just slept with that they don't want to date her any more, but whatever the reason I don't think he's into you enough for you to be hinging any hopes/expectations or efforts on him unless he starts pursuing you clearly. Agreed 100 percent. Honestly, he sounds like a jerk. And what a twisted world we live in: single guys like me who actually want to spend time with a girl can't get one to pay attention to them for anything. Yet, this guy can't be bothered to even send a text to the girl he's sleeping with, and who is actively pursuing a relationship with him. That just burns me up!
Brooke02 Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 He sounds married to me. Cant text but can email? Havent heard from him for days, telling you he's gonna be really busy...
Recommended Posts