espresso Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 We are both 21. I have never been in a relationship before this one and she is my first everything. She, however, has been in one relationship before me, which lasted about a year and a half. In the final stages of that relationship, she had already been wanting to break up with her then boyfriend, but was encouraged not to and she cheated on this guy by having a one-night-stand with of one her co-workers. This happened about a year and a half ago. She was very open to me about this and everything else since before we started our current relationship. She takes full responsibility for her actions, and claims to have been "young and stupid." She feels really bad about it and admits this was the worst mistake she has made and will probably make in her life. Because of this, and how open we are to each other in our relationship, she has my full trust and the possibility of another infidelity is not an issue to me. What really bothers me, however, is the thought and mental images of the infidelity itself. Not only the sex, but mainly the intimacy aspect that comes attached to it. Being intimate with someone, when she was in a relationship with someone she cared about.. So now the thoughts like "Did she also cuddle with this guy after sex?" "Did she do this?" "Did she do that?" arise in my head every now and then. I really like this girl and I want this relationship to work. I have discussed all of my issues with her, but I really can't think of anything that will make it feel better other than maybe time. What can I do to solve this problem? Please and thank you.
NoC Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 You need to assert your dominance by tracking down the guy she had a one-night stand with and ****ing him. That comment above was a joke, in all seriousness as long as you are still emotionally attached to your woman, this kind of stuff does not ever go away. You need to decide now if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Most people in your situation just learn to deal with it and carry on with the relationship. Then there are those who don't want to deal with it and end their relationships. Which one will you be? Is your relationship worth ending over this? If not, learn to accept it and try to not dwell on it too much. 2
Darren Steez Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 We are both 21. I have never been in a relationship before this one and she is my first everything. She, however, has been in one relationship before me, which lasted about a year and a half. In the final stages of that relationship, she had already been wanting to break up with her then boyfriend, but was encouraged not to and she cheated on this guy by having a one-night-stand with of one her co-workers. This happened about a year and a half ago. She was very open to me about this and everything else since before we started our current relationship. She takes full responsibility for her actions, and claims to have been "young and stupid." She feels really bad about it and admits this was the worst mistake she has made and will probably make in her life. Because of this, and how open we are to each other in our relationship, she has my full trust and the possibility of another infidelity is not an issue to me. What really bothers me, however, is the thought and mental images of the infidelity itself. Not only the sex, but mainly the intimacy aspect that comes attached to it. Being intimate with someone, when she was in a relationship with someone she cared about.. So now the thoughts like "Did she also cuddle with this guy after sex?" "Did she do this?" "Did she do that?" arise in my head every now and then. I really like this girl and I want this relationship to work. I have discussed all of my issues with her, but I really can't think of anything that will make it feel better other than maybe time. What can I do to solve this problem? Please and thank you. You kind of contradict yourself. You say she has your full trust but then you're sort of still questioning her character and why she did what she did. You're sort of conflicted within yourself about what she did and if she can do it to you. So while you do want to do the right thing and trust her completely because you love her and still have questions about how she could have done what she did so in essence your heart says trust her but your head says don't. A word of advice. Never trust 100%. She might never do it again then again she might. Enjoy your relationship, she's committed to you and have fun. As long as you're being honest and open then things will be fine. Just as long as that honesty also extends to the potentially hurtful stuff you might not want to hear.
fellini Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) If I understand you correctly you are obsessed over an ONS she had before you two even hooked up. If this information is driving anything in your relationship then I would take your phrase " I like this girl and want this relationship to work " to mean you aren't too deeply into this as of yet. Maybe you should bail before you do? Maybe this one thing will stay with you.. For me,, for example, I wouldn't consider dating a girl who smoked.. It's just the way things are for me.. Maybe you don't want to give 100 percent to a woman you know cheated on someone in her past. It's about your expectations for yourself.. Edited February 1, 2015 by fellini
dichotomy Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Ok - she cheated on an old boyfriend,a ONS essentially right at the end of that 1.5 year relationship as she wished to end things. She had checked out wanted out. Not an excuse just summarizing what you say. She feels horrible about this - and was completely honest with you about this mistake - before you and she even got serious. It was a ONS and not an on going thing. Mistake- accountability/guilt - and complete up front honesty with you before you got serious. She sounds like a good woman to have. You need to understand we are all human, we make mistakes, we occasionally do or say things when we are weak or hurting or looking to escape life, that can be out of character. If your old enough - you will find yourself saying "why the F - did I do that ?" at several points in your life. Regret is the healthy response to these times. You GF has this trait. Focus on these good character traits in your GF - honesty, accountability, regret when the other images or thoughts come in to your mind. She could have hidden this all from you - many would - would you prefer that? Or a GF who feels she can be honest - be intimate with you. Because sex is not always a sign of intimacy - complete honesty and revealing their heart and feelings is. Edited February 1, 2015 by dichotomy 3
Author espresso Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 You kind of contradict yourself. You say she has your full trust but then you're sort of still questioning her character and why she did what she did. You're sort of conflicted within yourself about what she did and if she can do it to you. So while you do want to do the right thing and trust her completely because you love her and still have questions about how she could have done what she did so in essence your heart says trust her but your head says don't. I don't believe she is treating me, or could treat me, like the ONS. The problem I was referring to there were regarding the intimacy aspect of that incident. For example, when she is cuddling with me after having sex, I can't help but think things like "Did she also do this with this guy?" She has told me that whatever she did with this guy is different because she actually means it when she does it to me, and I understand. I know.. It may sound stupid, but it bothers me.
Mal78 Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I don't believe she is treating me, or could treat me, like the ONS. The problem I was referring to there were regarding the intimacy aspect of that incident. For example, when she is cuddling with me after having sex, I can't help but think things like "Did she also do this with this guy?" She has told me that whatever she did with this guy is different because she actually means it when she does it to me, and I understand. I know.. It may sound stupid, but it bothers me. Keep communicating this with her. If her assurance isn't enough then you will have decide if you can go on. You are you, she is young and in her prior relationship she was younger and everyone is still figuring stuff out. I'm confused on how much you internalize her intimacy and affection (ie. Cuddling) with her past as if it is a direct reflection on how she feels about you. This might be something you need IC to deal with if you see a future in this relationship. Your hang-ups and insecurities might be what ruins a great thing.
Author espresso Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 I'm confused on how much you internalize her intimacy and affection (ie. Cuddling) with her past as if it is a direct reflection on how she feels about you. This might be something you need IC to deal with if you see a future in this relationship. Your hang-ups and insecurities might be what ruins a great thing. It's mostly those mental images about the incident that come to my head from time to time that bother me... Also, may I get a clarification of what IC means?
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I am perplexed by your images. Wouldn't it be more likely that she cuddled her Xbf than the ONS? Wouldn't it be more likely that she meant the words/actions of love-type feelings with the Xbf not the ONS? I do think she is to be commended for self-incrimination in regard to her cheating in prior relationships. That shows she has taken responsibility.
Mal78 Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 It's mostly those mental images about the incident that come to my head from time to time that bother me... Also, may I get a clarification of what IC means? IC=individual counciling
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