Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Posted February 6, 2015 Appreciate your words btw stratch, always good to know that I'm not alone in this journey.
na49 Posted February 6, 2015 Posted February 6, 2015 I am someone who was also dumped by the same person twice. The same person who came back to me after I was NC, and trying to move forward. It's not nice to see someone else going through something similar to me, but I can sympathize with you trying things again, and having it fail again. I try looking at my second chance as an aberration because that's really what it is. If I don't remind myself of that, I'll be waiting for her to come back for a long time. People actually break up, and stay broken up more than getting back together. I reminded myself of that on my way home today. It gave me an empty feeling, but it's the truth. She was my first girlfriend, and I really believed she'd be the last for me. Especially when she came back Filling your schedule with things to do is a great idea. You are really focusing on yourself which is what is needed. It's a day to day thing as you probably know. Heck, maybe even an hourly thing. You can still miss him, but be able to handle missing him, and not let it drag you down. Keep up the good work! 2
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Woot, first week down! Every single day, I feel so up and down about it all. I wake up sad, and I get better during the day, most days. I try to remember why we broke up, how unhappy I was (even when things were "good" I contemplated ending it, because there were still so many bad memories...) and more than ever, I try to remember the last things he told me. How he was open to new people.. how he is happy to be alone right now... Nothing I hadn't heard before, but still they hurt... So yeah, that's basically how my days are going. I try to go out with friends more, get my mind off of things, spend time with my family... the things I should have been doing while we were together, anyways. I've also accepted the sadness in my life, I know I will be sad for a while. Maybe a month, or two... while I mourn the end of this relationship for good. And I know I will rethink it all a million times more. I'm not fighting it anymore because in a way, that makes it worse. It makes it worse when you're sad and you try to fight the sadness. Just let yourself cry, know that you're sad and its okay! It'll get better soon enough. The meaning of life is at the end of your life, when you're in that "Ego integrity vs Despair" stage, to know that your life was what you wanted it to be and to know you've made the right decisions, I know that when Im in that stage I will, if I even remember this, know this break up was for the best and that it made my life better. Eventually my guy will come around, and we will love eachother the way love was meant to be shared. 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 Today... I am really sad. I don't know why. I just really really am. I can't stop thinking about it... I've thought back to every single thing. And I've realized he was never truly invested in us... "We" were just a way to pass the time. He had someone he could do "couple" things with. And well whenever he felt it necessary he could always put the blame on something I did and end it stating " I can't get over the past" I feel so stupid. And low. Today is a bad day. How can he just not care. I did everything. I cared so much. I put him over everything. Friends he thought were "bad influences" I left behind. So easily. For him. I am a terrible friend. I am a terrible person. Am I a masocist? Do I love being treated terribly? What is wrong with me... Why do I still care. Do I even love him anymore? If not then why is it still hurting me. Why do I keep letting him come back in my life? Why do I dream of the day he comes back... Realizing he lost me. I don't even want to be with him. But I miss him. I just can't understand how he could leave me so easily... When I have him everything.
strach Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Hey we all have one of those days every once in awhile. Maybe you spend a little too long thinking about it and all of a sudden you've dug yourself into a hole of memories and start asking questions about everything. You're still early on and like it or not, having someone leave your life, no matter how toxic, is never easy. You're not a terrible person, you're a good person who did everything they could to make it work and if that wasnt enough, then nothing will ever be for this guy. Not sure how old you guys are but he is obviously is too immature for a serious relationship. I wish I could give more help and advice but unfortunately I am not highly experienced in relationships. Just keep on doing what you've been doing. I think you'll find these days dont happen too often and will occur less frequently as you get further along. All the best Today... I am really sad. I don't know why. I just really really am. I can't stop thinking about it... I've thought back to every single thing. And I've realized he was never truly invested in us... "We" were just a way to pass the time. He had someone he could do "couple" things with. And well whenever he felt it necessary he could always put the blame on something I did and end it stating " I can't get over the past" I feel so stupid. And low. Today is a bad day. How can he just not care. I did everything. I cared so much. I put him over everything. Friends he thought were "bad influences" I left behind. So easily. For him. I am a terrible friend. I am a terrible person. Am I a masocist? Do I love being treated terribly? What is wrong with me... Why do I still care. Do I even love him anymore? If not then why is it still hurting me. Why do I keep letting him come back in my life? Why do I dream of the day he comes back... Realizing he lost me. I don't even want to be with him. But I miss him. I just can't understand how he could leave me so easily... When I have him everything. 1
stellamaria Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 So it is now Day 5, I figured I won't be posting everyday because being on here sometimes kinda gets me obsessive into thinking and rethinking my break up. But right about now I'm feeling like I really miss him... The past two days I've been pretty good, no crying and no obsessive thinking. It took a pretty great pep talk to get me there though, but it worked I guess. I think its only when I get bored that I miss him this much, well.. no not really. I always really miss him... but I think now I'm just more accepting that we are no longer together and it only hurts me to think of him... so I've tried to cut down on that. Yesterday I did a pediatric observation on a group of 1 year olds and 3 year olds for a paper for nursing and I really enjoyed it so I spoke with the director about volunteering, not too much but just a few hours a week. I really enjoyed it and I figured another new addition to my schedule wouldn't hurt. I also talked to a counselor about starting counseling and some therapy so thats also pretty good. I really want to kick him like a bad bad habit, for good. I want to be completely happy without him so that the next time he comes lurking around I am fully prepared to reject him, and not go back. At all. At the end of the day, I guess the only thing stopping me from contacting him is how much I know it will hurt if I do. And that's more than enough to keep me away. He doesn't love me anymore, and that's okay. It'll all be fine. What do you miss about him? Is it one or two nice moments? One or two tender things he said to you? What? Instead of actively trying to push him out of your mind, take control of the thinking. Yes, you miss the way he smiled at you, or that time he hugged you that way or whatever. Allow that thought for a few seconds, and then remember he called you a piece of matter. He got mad for no reason. He's controlling and would become abusive. He would make you unhappy. There are many more guys out there that will smile, make you laugh, hug you, make you feel special, and NOT act like such a moron and NEVER call you horrible names or make you feel worthless. Make a list of 10 things you didn't like and read it every time you think of him or are tempted to get in touch. It's okay to miss him, but you need to realise you're not missing the whole of him, just one or two tiny facets that you liked. 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Strach- thank you for your words and advice... You're right. I did try everything, and he turns 24 in a couple of weeks and is a police officer- you'd think he'd be a wee bit more mature, huh? but nope. I feel much much better today but I know those sad days and moments will be back a few more times and I'm okay with that. I try to think about how I would be unhappy while I was with him, and although we had great moments I never really knew if I could get past the terrible things he had done and said to me. He also always seem the least interested in me and always picking flaws like "If you worked out maybe just a few more days maybe your butt would be firmer..." He was never good for me, and the sooner I accept this the sooner I'll start feeling better. Ultimately, this will not be a loss. I start counseling on Thursday I believe... I'm really hopeful on starting to feel better, more permanently.
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Stellamaria- I wrote a list like that before, last time I went into NC and it did help a lot so I will probably make another one. And you're also very correct, it is only a few moments that hurt me, the moments when he was sweet, and did nice things. but there are much much more moments that kill me inside and I'll try to focus on those to remind myself of why I need to move on. Today is day 10, I'm going to try to stay off here for 10 more days and post again on Day 20 and see how I'm feeling. I will be back though If I need to vent or feel as terrible as I did yesterday. Thank you all for your kind words and advice and know they are especially appreciated during this time 2
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 I meant to post again a few days ago but I got really busy, oh well. Welp it is indeed day 23 of no contact. I went to a preliminary therapy session on Thursday, it was just a basic interview kind of thing to see what my issues were and what I needed help with and although it wasn't even a real therapy session I did talk out a lot of my frustrations and I left feeling quite refreshed. The lady said it takes about two weeks to push through the paper work and get an assigned therapist but hopefully I can see one sooner than that. She asked how often I was willing to participate and I said once a week which I think is a good start, I could lower that later on but I realized that I had a lot to work through... I honestly can't wait to go back. It felt so great just letting it all out without someone judging me.. On Saturday night I went out, and got pretty drunk and started writing out a text to my ex, but I immediately told my friend and made her take my phone from me. Even in my drunken state I realized that texting him would be a terrible terrible idea and when I woke up the next morning I was so happy I didn't text him. *patting myself on the back* My days are so up and down, no extreme peaks or valleys, I'm just kinda hanging in there. I still get sad when I think of certain things. At this point I am 100% sure I will not give in to my temptations and contact him. NC still has its challenges though. I've been reconnecting with old friends and doing more things like going to the movies, going out, having a drink or two, not just locking myself in at home. Volunteering has been so great, I've been with the 1 year olds and I am loving it, they make me so happy anyone going through NC, do this (do more than stay at home)! You'll see that there is more to life out there than your ex, and yeah as soon as you're in the car again you'll think of them, especially when that one song on the radio comes on, but hey, this is what NC is about. It's not about trying to be 100% happy in 30 days, its about going through the process of TRYING to be happy without your ex. Each day you get closer to that one day when you'll feel indifferent. Right now, my feelings are just dull. and he once again, seems like a complete stranger.
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Posted February 26, 2015 I have my first real therapy session today and I am looking forward to it. I have caught myself not thinking about him which I thought was weird- BUT GREAT! I'd go a full day without thinking about him then he would pop into my mind and I'd be all like "hey... I havent thought about him all day" Is that weird? Anyways, I've been doing better. Keeping busy with school, volunteering, friends, work, gym. I'm going into the city tomorrow with a few friends and I'm pretty excited for that, It'll be nice to get away from everything even for a night- although I'm quite content with my life as it is right now. I am nursing school and it's getting pretty real, I start clinicals in less than two weeks and this week we started learning how to give injections which was an amazing shift from making a bed, learning how to write a plan of care, all that paper stuff so I'm pretty excited about that... I'm trying to do all the things I wouldn't have done if I were still in that relationship. I want to try to be more social, go out, enjoy life at this young age, and not have to worry about walking on eggshells. I'm just trying to make the best out of this. Here's to living! 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Am I really moving forward? I keep thinking he'll show up and knock on my window again.. or text me... or call. Well, no, I don't think that he will... I really don't. But I do hope so. I know that in the pasts I would wish for things like this and then when he did, I would wish that he didn't. Everytime I feel like I miss him or love him, I just try to remember the last few things he said to me. I was crying and I told him, "I love you.. a lot lot lot lot lot." And he didn't say anything back, and I asked him if he loved me and he said "Yeah, I guess so" and I was sad hearing that and then he said "I'm not going to lie and say that I love you A LOT.. because I don't" And I just took it. I just took those words in without crying anymore and just let them tear me apart. I know my life is better without him. I don't have anyone constantly messing with my emotions, and Im not walking on eggshells... But I'm still hurting inside. I don't know what Im doing. I dont know what I want. I want to move on. I am moving on. I wish I didn't care already. I wish he didn't matter to me... I know he isn't going through any of this, he's always known he has me right here whenever he's ready 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 And its true... God knows he would come to me and really show me that he cares, that he made the biggest mistake of his life by doing this to me. I would still care, I would still listen. I would give him all the empathy he never gave me. At this point, I know Im not going to reach out, but I cant say that at this point I wouldnt take him back. I'm an idiot.
strach Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Sorry to hear things changed, earlier today you seemed good. They say it gets easier, but im still waiting for that day as well. Doesnt help that im still in contact with my ex every once in a while but I try my best to stay positive and focused on school and myself. Interesting that this down moment came after you went to therapy (assuming you did go). Just gotta keep going one day at a time and fight any urge to message him and DO NOT reply to him if he messages you. I can imagine how hard it would be to resist that but you cannot get dragged back into his life. All the best 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 It didn't happen after therapy, it just happened after work, I listened to some pretty sad music and my feelings started popping up again. I don't miss him. I don't know what I miss. I DONT miss getting my emotions played with. I DONT miss crying all the time. I DONT miss everything being my fault. I DONT miss practically begging for him to do sweet things for me. I DONT miss driving 2 1/2 hours away whenever I wanted to see him I DONT miss getting asked to pay for everything. I miss him laying down with me before leaving to work, or giving me a kiss everytime before he left. I was so mean sometimes.. For no reason. I try to think if I could've appreciate him more but I was so hot and cold. I couldn't get over everything that had already happened. How he treated me in the past. I was always the one that talked about the future though, and marriage. He talked about us moving in together sometimes and talked about me working at the hospital over there. We would drive through neighborhoods and he'd ask me if Id like to live there. But then it could be as easy as the room temperature changing and he'd feel completely different about me. If I did any little thing wrong he would go back to " I just can't see myself being completely happy with you" My life is fine without him. But I don't know what it is... I just miss him. I looked through my first Nc experience and realized it took me actually about 4/5 months to start getting used to thought that he isn't the same person. Last NC he burned me so many times. And each time I had been just as hopeful of reconciling as ever. I need to stop. I need to get over him once and for all. It's just hard to tell my heart that this isn't a movie. He isn't going to come back to me, with flowers, with chocolate, def not a ring and realize how he's losing me. And even if he did, why in my right mind would I ever want someone who left me because he thought he could be happier with other people. Am I that low on self esteem, self assurance, self worth?!
Author lovebug_5858 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 Hey guys, I know I haven't been on here in quite some time but if any of you are still reading and wondering what's going on here's a few updates. I wanted to take a break from here because coming here every day or even periodically reminded me of him more than anything else. I stayed away and I would be fine, I would break down, I would be fine, I would break down and then I would be fine again. Basically I had my good days and my bad days. It's been 55 days since my last contact with him, his birthday was a few days ago and I saw a video his sister posted of him and i caught myself smiling, I don't resent him, I'm happy he's happy. But I also remind myself of all the harm he did to me which prevents me from contacting him. It's all so much more clear now that I've had a good long time away from him. I can't believe I was Sooo low. I thought nothing of myself, being with him defined me. He could say anything to me and I would beg him to be with me no matter what. My perspective on all of this has changed so dramatically. I've been going to therapy religiously which has helped tremendously. I'm doing so well in nursing... I've picked up so many more roles than just his ex. I am a great, beautiful person, inside and out, I am caring, I am a nurse, I am a caregiver, I am a daughter, a sister, a friend. So much more than what I thought of myself. I've had a few fun nights out with friends which have also helped in healing. I went to an AA meeting the other day as part of a community awareness project for nursing and one of the huge things that stuck out to me was thinking in the present. If believing you can be without your ex for the rest of your life or even a year, or even a MONTH, just believe you can be without them for the day, for the night. Get through it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Being without him is good for me, and I am doing just fine. I wish you guys all the luck, Let go and let God. I'll be back to update again some other time, just know it gets better. 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 It's day 77 and I still miss him. Will I ever not miss him? :/ I'm okay. I've been happy. I've been single and free and living to make ME happy... But I do still think of him. Feel that urge every so often to call... But I don't.
ravfour4 Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 Hey lovebug, I'm about to embark on NC with my ex, she hurt me badly (see 4 year relationship over thread) and I'm excited to move on. It sounds like you still have feelings for this guy despite knowing you shouldn't, even after many days of NC. Have you been keeping yourself busy? Meeting new (and better) men in social situations? I notice that if I just keep myself busy, even when we were in slight contact, that it'd help me feel a lot better. I also started working out and lost ~20 lbs back to my ideal weight which has given me a huge boost of confidence. I'd urge you to do the same if you aren't as it's really helped me move forward while also realizing how average she really was. And, don't call him! You need to find someone who will say "I love you a ton!" not someone who will say "I don't love you much", especially after multiple break-ups! You don't need this guy and you know it, someone better is out there for you. 1
Fufu Posted April 17, 2015 Posted April 17, 2015 77 days NC is great, keep it up. My suggestion is start posting about things not related to him at all. Words are powerful, as you typed down you miss him, it is gonna stuck in your head. Focus on the new people, new things, new adventures you have in your life. 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted April 17, 2015 Author Posted April 17, 2015 Hey lovebug, I'm about to embark on NC with my ex, she hurt me badly (see 4 year relationship over thread) and I'm excited to move on. It sounds like you still have feelings for this guy despite knowing you shouldn't, even after many days of NC. Have you been keeping yourself busy? Meeting new (and better) men in social situations? I notice that if I just keep myself busy, even when we were in slight contact, that it'd help me feel a lot better. I also started working out and lost ~20 lbs back to my ideal weight which has given me a huge boost of confidence. I'd urge you to do the same if you aren't as it's really helped me move forward while also realizing how average she really was. And, don't call him! You need to find someone who will say "I love you a ton!" not someone who will say "I don't love you much", especially after multiple break-ups! You don't need this guy and you know it, someone better is out there for you. Yeah I have been keeping myself super busy. I'm barely home now. I have friends, we do something just about every night, even if it's just hanging out watching Netflix or something. If I'm not with them, I'm at work, or at school or at the hospital. I don't really have time to think of him, and I've been doing Sooo much better don't get me wrong. I don't think of him much. But last night was just one of those moments. I've met another guy, it's nothing serious, he's one of the guys in my group of friends and were just sorta talking but more than anything just going out and having a good time. I don't wanna be with anyone right now, I'm happy being single and going out and having fun. I just know I still miss him. Idk why. I won't call him though lol. Sorry to hear about your 4 year relationship but I'm happy to know youre bettering yourself now! Will read your thread when I get a bit of time. Good luck with NC! It changes everything.
strach Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Glad to hear therapy has been going well! Been considering therapy or coucelling myself as ive still been struggling with getting over my ex going on 4 months now. Being able to see a video of him and even be happy for him is a clear sign you're doing well. Keep doing what youre doing Hey guys, I know I haven't been on here in quite some time but if any of you are still reading and wondering what's going on here's a few updates. I wanted to take a break from here because coming here every day or even periodically reminded me of him more than anything else. I stayed away and I would be fine, I would break down, I would be fine, I would break down and then I would be fine again. Basically I had my good days and my bad days. It's been 55 days since my last contact with him, his birthday was a few days ago and I saw a video his sister posted of him and i caught myself smiling, I don't resent him, I'm happy he's happy. But I also remind myself of all the harm he did to me which prevents me from contacting him. It's all so much more clear now that I've had a good long time away from him. I can't believe I was Sooo low. I thought nothing of myself, being with him defined me. He could say anything to me and I would beg him to be with me no matter what. My perspective on all of this has changed so dramatically. I've been going to therapy religiously which has helped tremendously. I'm doing so well in nursing... I've picked up so many more roles than just his ex. I am a great, beautiful person, inside and out, I am caring, I am a nurse, I am a caregiver, I am a daughter, a sister, a friend. So much more than what I thought of myself. I've had a few fun nights out with friends which have also helped in healing. I went to an AA meeting the other day as part of a community awareness project for nursing and one of the huge things that stuck out to me was thinking in the present. If believing you can be without your ex for the rest of your life or even a year, or even a MONTH, just believe you can be without them for the day, for the night. Get through it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Being without him is good for me, and I am doing just fine. I wish you guys all the luck, Let go and let God. I'll be back to update again some other time, just know it gets better. 1
Author lovebug_5858 Posted November 25, 2015 Author Posted November 25, 2015 Hey guys, I just posted on here about something else but for anyone who was following this thread. I made it. I am over him. Its possible.
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