funkify Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Hi all, I'm wondering if you can help me with this dilemma... I'm a woman in her early-30s who prior to two years ago enjoyed two successful long-term relationships (total of 10 years). First one broke down because we grew apart and the second, because the man was not ready to be responsible to plan for a marriage (ie. unstable employment, emotional immaturity etc). So I can build and maintain something great, and my partners have been adoring of me. I'm a professional woman with a Masters qualification, I'm told I'm "very attractive" (used to model) and "very likable" by all. I'm cheerful and bubbly, I have many interests etc. For the last 18 months, I've tried my hand at online dating (eharmony), having approximately 1-2 dates a month with people I've liked (although many more have contacted I've not been interested in). These guys have been similar age to me, professionals and attractive. I would say that 99% of dates had great conversation and lovely guys. The problem though is that most don't ask me past the first date. A handful have gone to date 3 and say things like "can't see a relationship happening" or "not enough chemistry". I even tried dating guys that were "below me" in terms of attractiveness or education and seems that does not affect the outcome. The thing is, with the 3 dates guys I definately sensed "chemistry" (don't you know it when you have all-night conversations followed by hot sex?)...it's as if they are completely hot for me and BOOM instantly ice-cold and I've done absolutely nothing. My friends say to me, "It's definately not you...these guys are expecting something that doesn't exist....they are too used to being on their own...they are afraid to commit...too fussy..."ETC You're just having really bad luck. Is there something I'm missing? Is it actually much much harder for a 31 year-old woman who is considered "a catch" to get a boyfriend? I never ever had trouble in my 20s. ADDED: There was one very attractive, successful, genuine guy who I met online dated me for 5 months but in the end of the day ended it bc "not enough chemistry". "You're incredible, perfect girl...I want to want to be your bf". So it's either I get one date, a few have been 3 dates or one experience of 5 months, gone on probably 15 dates in total. Edited February 1, 2015 by funkify 1
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 It's the nature of online dating. I won't work till it works. Some it works right away like a friend of mine who met her husband after only meeting 3 men, and there is me who's been trying for 3 years and met +100 men and I am still single. I personally do not like eHarmony. You might want to give a try to other paying sites. There are also seasons that are better like spring and fall.
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Are you saying that the ones who had 3 dates ended it after the "hot sex"? And I you choosing the guy that's right for you, or are you just hoping you're the right one for them? Could you be coming off as wanting a serious relationship too soon? Not really enough specific info to tell where the disconnect is happening.
Mangina Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Former model maters degree being rejected right after sex by guys less attractive and less educated. Something isn't adding up here 3
Author funkify Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Well that example with the sex was the only guy who I had sex with. We did on the first date (felt right) and we went on three dates in total. He was one of the "not enough spark" guys. He was clear that he wanted someone with long term potential. The other guys we just kissed. If someone asks me what I'm looking for only then will I say something like, looking for someone I can enjoy spending time with and see where it goes. But I did specify in my profile that I don't want a fling. There's not much more specific info except that the dates go great and the guys go cold/say not enough spark despite things seeming to be great together. Tell me about it! Makes no sense at all. Except I clarified that I only had sex with one of the guys Edited February 1, 2015 by funkify
Mangina Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Okay take the sex part out and something still isn't right. Only thing I can think of is these guys are very attractive and have many other options
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Former model maters degree being rejected right after sex by guys less attractive and less educated. Something isn't adding up here Believe it, she is not the only one with this issue. Plenty of women that are good looking and successful and they can't find a man that will take them seriously. 1
Mangina Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Believe it, she is not the only one with this issue. Plenty of women that are good looking and successful and they can't find a man that will take them seriously. Yes plenty on the internet not so many offline
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Yes plenty on the internet not so many offline Are you familiar with online dating? Because the people off the Internet are the same people as those on the Internet. 75% of singles looking use online, that's 2014 statistics 1
lovexocoach Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Can you tell us (1) how you dress for dates (2) what the conversation is about (topics) on the dates and who is doing the talking - you or the guy or evenly split (3) who is arranging the dates and the place for the date - you or the guy? (4) what type of guys are you attracting on eharmony - age range, relationship background, what are they looking for, etc? That might help.
Ebelskiver Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 It's NOT you. I'm 38, attractive, Master's degree, funny, irreverent, athletic. Of course I've got my issues but no more than your average gal. Online dating, just dating in general, is so much harder in your 30's. I'm not sure why. Something about an endless supply of potential "better" options perhaps. It's the same with my girlfriends as well. One is 43, PhD, gorgeous, climber, sweet, sincere. She hasn't gotten laid in 5 years. She's shy, so basically she needs a guy to ask her out. No one has! You need a thick skin for online dating. There is a constant low level of rejection that you have to deal with. I could really only do it for a month or two at a time. I'm done with OLD. If the current bf and I break up I'm just going back to good old-fashioned meeting people the hard way. If not, I guess it'll be me not getting laid for 5 years. 2
Author funkify Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Can you tell us (1) how you dress for dates (2) what the conversation is about (topics) on the dates and who is doing the talking - you or the guy or evenly split (3) who is arranging the dates and the place for the date - you or the guy? (4) what type of guys are you attracting on eharmony - age range, relationship background, what are they looking for, etc? That might help. 1) I dress sexy but conservative. Maybe a nice dress which shows my slim figure but is equally classy, clean straight long hair, nice makeup. 2) Conversation ranges from work, travel, hobbies...the usual topics I think. Conversation evenly split, I believe 3) It used to be that we'd exchange a few emails, go to texting and he'd ask me out. But I've found lots of guys are happy to be "penpals" or "textpals" so I do the asking after a few emails and most of them are happy to arrange something with me. After they say yes to a date, they will arrange time/place. 4) The guys I've dated; Professionals like people in marketing, education, healthcare, finance that are also into fitness (like me). Usually they've had a few long-term relationships, around 30-35 yo, not religious. A couple have even lamented about how difficult online dating has been (ie. crazy girls or people that flake)...and then they flake on me! A few have originally come from overseas though, so maybe they don't really know what they want...some only been here for 6 months and others for 5 years or so. I'm from Melbourne, Australia. Happy to answer any questions. I really appreciate all your comments Edited February 1, 2015 by funkify
rocketman122 Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Believe it, she is not the only one with this issue. Plenty of women that are good looking and successful and they can't find a man that will take them seriously. A LOT of men simply dont want to commit today. they dont have any incentive to. there are TONS of extremely desperate (usually 33-42) women on OLD who DYING to get married and have children. they put tons of pics of themselves write the perferct profile and write so much so they can sell themselves. but guys are not biting. dont know if you ever seen the documentary divorce corp but there is no incentive for a guy to marry and get a woman pregnant. the justice system is biased towards women and men get screwed. you will see more and more single guys who are successful and will stay single and not commit. ive been on OLD for some time. on and off and its very easy to find a women for a screw. I never had a ONS and dont believe in it so I too have my own problems at times. see some posts by dr helen smith as well. men on strike. if I was a douchebag I could easily screw a different women every week. all I have to do is change my "want children" to yes and "what type of relationship" to marriage with children and I could have my picking anytime. you know whos to blame? women. you shot yourselves in the foot. to those women with the BS excuse of career is the reason you woke up late. youre in trouble. a 40 (or even 45) year old guy can find 30 YO women to marry. he doesnt need anything over 33. 1
GemmaUK Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I'm mid forties now but haven't had this problem. I quit OLD a while back and chose not to date as I needed some time for me after a controlling and suffocating relationship. I find that guys tend to want to rush things and be 'in a relationship' instantly. This has been the same way since I split with my LT ex several years ago. For a while I have just not had the feeling of wanting to go on a date again nor get involved in any way with anyone in case the same thing happens again and instead of getting to know each other it's all too much too soon. Chemistry is a different thing for different people, for some it's just sexual, some it's just seeming to click and be on the same wavelength and for some it's a deeper emotional connection or it can be all three or many more things as well. Did you find out from these guys what 'type' of chemistry was missing for them? 1
mr_dave Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 The thing is, with the 3 dates guys I definately sensed "chemistry" (don't you know it when you have all-night conversations followed by hot sex?)...it's as if they are completely hot for me and BOOM instantly ice-cold and I've done absolutely nothing. Maybe you put out too quickly, 3 dates isn't long at all? Yes I know it's a double standard, but a lot of guys think.. "Well if she will do that with me she probably does it with other guys soon after meeting them." In your case that assertion would seem to be correct. I'm not saying you should use sex as relationship bait, but at the same time, you don't know each other at all, yet you're having sex. I imagine for some guys it's like watching only the last hour of a film. After seeing the best bit/ climax, is there much motivation to watch it back right from the start, when there are so many other films to watch? 1
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I didn't care for on line dating at all. It's one tool. You can't put all your eggs in that basket. What else are you doing to meet people? I met my husband at a business networking event. Since you are an educated person, I recommend you look around at industry events, not in your own company but events were others in your field congregate. 1
salparadise Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 There are elements that simply aren't understood, so I would avoid generalizing about online dating too much. Look more at the five-month relationship to see what, if anything, could be gleaned. He said not enough chemistry... what do you think that meant to him? Was he emotionally available and communicative? Did you sense the lack of chemistry? How distressed were you when the called it off? You seem to place emphasis on success factors and characterize yourself as "a catch." So I wonder if that may be apparent in your demeanor and interactions. How do you think you are in terms of emotional openness?
preraph Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Just in case it's something you're doing on that first date, you need to get a male friend to go on a pretend first date with you and then you need to act like you would on a real first date and then ask him what you're doing wrong. I watch the Steve Harvey show, and he is always following first dates with a camera to see why this pretty girl can't get a man to ask her out again, and it's usually because they're too businesslike, like they are interviewing the guy instead of having fun, or because they start telling the guy what they don't want and are all negative, and to the guy it sounds like she's laying down the rules and doesn't like men, that sort of thing. You need to get a glimmer of whether you are unintentionally sabotaging it yourself. Remember that all a guy or woman really wants on a first date is to be with someone who is fun. If you put any sad history out there the first date, this is taken as you are depressed all the time because they may not get that you're just trying to give them where you are at this point in your life and what got you there. You could be a fun person, but if what you put out your first date is sadness and pain, that's who they think you are. If you put out "rules" what you do and don't want, as you know guys are overly sensitive to that. Next date, just try to be bubbly and have fun. Don't put out until past the third date to eliminate all the guys just trying to get laid, who all know it should happen on the third date -- but do be touchy-feely and flirty so they are sure you do like them that way. And do NOT talk about marriage and kids unless he brings it up and you've been dating awhile.
TouchedByViolet Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 You are in your early 30's and have 10 years of relationship experience.... you are doing pretty well... Additionally, you are getting dates and sex... That's more than some people on here can say. Clearly you are desirable. It can take awhile to find a long term relationship. I'm guessing your looks have faded some and you are still trying to go for the hot guys. They got lots of options and landing one long term takes time.
Moy Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 You are in your early 30's and have 10 years of relationship experience.... you are doing pretty well... Additionally, you are getting dates and sex... That's more than some people on here can say. Clearly you are desirable. It can take awhile to find a long term relationship. I'm guessing your looks have faded some and you are still trying to go for the hot guys. They got lots of options and landing one long term takes time. Indeed. After two years of celibacy it's a problem I wouldn't mind having! 1
Author funkify Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 Re type of chemistry, I can't speak for the guys who never went in for a kiss but for the others there definitely seemed to be physical attraction. I guess that leaves emotional attraction missing? Or the kind of attraction that makes you keen for a relationship (whatever that is).
Author funkify Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 I definitely sensed the lack of chemistry with the 5 month guy, he always kept me at arms length emotionally (ie one date weekly). I think he kinda used me as his best friend to explore a new country (Had arrived 5 months prior to meeting me). I think he loved the person I was and physically attracted but not enough for relationship.
Author funkify Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 You are in your early 30's and have 10 years of relationship experience.... you are doing pretty well... Additionally, you are getting dates and sex... That's more than some people on here can say. Clearly you are desirable. It can take awhile to find a long term relationship. I'm guessing your looks have faded some and you are still trying to go for the hot guys. They got lots of options and landing one long term takes time. Thank you that's very sweet. I'm actually lucky im one of those people that's looks hasn't changed in 10 years, I get people looking at photos of me at 18 and say gee you look exactly the same. I'm a 31yo that always gets mistaken for early to mid 20s. Not unusual to have younger guys interested. I suppose dates and sex are one thing but it's disheartening when I'm able to offer so much more to the right man.
Gaeta Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 Re type of chemistry, I can't speak for the guys who never went in for a kiss but for the others there definitely seemed to be physical attraction. I guess that leaves emotional attraction missing? Or the kind of attraction that makes you keen for a relationship (whatever that is). A lot of people are online thinking they are ready to re-invest themselves in a relationship but they aren't. They are lying to themselves and are not even aware of it. These men (or women) go on a few dates with you. They act very enthusiastic then when it's time to put a foot forward they suddenly lose interest and are on to next. A lot of them suffers from 'what if there is a better one'. I have learn through this online that when a man is serious about finding a lady he gives her a fair chance. He's quick, he's interested, he's making it happen and there is no dragging. 2
chphan Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 A lot of them suffers from 'what if there is a better one'. This is what's wrong with online dating. People multi-dating, multi-messaging, and window shopping. Always holding out for something better. They say they aren't looking for someone perfect but someone perfect for them but in the end it's the same thing. Especially for the girls where they get so many options and guys that they don't really or want to invest or there isn't that instant connection on a first meet. They expect spark to fly right away, love at first site, or something close to that when you are really just meeting a stranger for the first time. Then they give the whole I don't feel the chemistry line and they go back to the next guy or guys.
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