arcobb Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Hello - I have written on here before albeit a long time ago; I broke up with my love almost one year ago to the day. On this site I shared some of my deepest hurt, the injustice I felt and also how I wronged the person I loved. Sometimes my posts were poetic and sweet, other times my tone was down right vulgar and I needed some place to put my anger. To me it was one of the most painful periods of my life. I still think about those days and my loss and I can still cry. But in many ways it seems so far away to me today. Almost as if it never happened. And I have something back I haven’t had for a long time... A future of my own again. And it feels very good and comforting. See, I saw her tonight at swim practice (I coach her son... long story) it was the first time I’ve seen her for a few months now. I smiled at her when I saw her and in return I got a scowl. I do not understand what motivates her at this point. But I the thing is I don’t care anymore. I will do anything for her son as I’m his coach. But that is the line. I’m increasingly more and more excited about going back to school and getting another degree, meeting new people, and living again. I feel like I am finally rediscovering my pride again. As I said earlier there are many times when I think about her, but its no longer in the context of what I felt a year ago... my life being over. I didn’t know where I was going, who I was, all I felt was an almost unbearable pain. It was so excruciatingly paralyzing when I look back on it now. But it seems so far far away now. I am excited about life again. I’m not sure why I’m writing this right now, other then I have the need to write this feeling down. Part of me wants to say to someone hurting right now that things will feel better and times heal wounds. I wish I could say to them things aren't that bad and that you just need to refocus your energy. But in my case I that was not true. Yes time did heal and I am not hurting anymore. But I also needed to lick my wounds and feel the hurt. If I forgot about it I would not learn, reevaluate. To hurt, to feel and sometimes suffer is to be human. Don’t deny these feelings, go through them and let them take there course. Be human, it is the only way you will feel better. I can not say how long this takes or how to do it. You will make mistakes along the way. I know I did some awful things to the past year to try to make the hurt go away. Some I am not proud of in the least. But I know that was part of the process of getting back on my feet again and the errors of judgment taught me the boundaries of my morals and inner-self lay. Today I know were I am going and who I am, something that is extremely valuable to me. I don’t know the day time or hour I began to shift my thoughts, energy and emotion to being myself again. Doing what it is that make me who I am. What I can say is it happened and you to will feel better again someday. There is no right or wrong way to get there, no time limit. I guess what they say about every day it hurts less is true, but one day you will find yourself looking into the future again with a smile on your face.
Donut Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Thanks for the words of encouragement Acrobb It means alot to us coping folk.
demonfall Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Yes, thank you. I'm far from this point (it's only been a little over 2 months for me) but I'm trying. I hope I can reach that day when I can "look into the future again with a smile on my face." I've started a new job, made new friends and re-connected with old ones. So, at least I think I'm headed in the right direction. I haven't been denying my hurt and feelings. If I feel like crying, then I do. I agree with you there. You shouldn't hold it in. It will only make things worse, and recovery take that much longer. Well, it's good to see that one of us is doing better. Hopefully the rest of us will gain something from this. Thanks again.
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