na49 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now, and have had our share of ups and downs like any couple. One thing about my girlfriend is that she is very friendly and social so she has a lot of friends. She has a lot of male friends, which has made me crazy at times. Earlier this week, she told me that her friend's brother told her that he has a crush on her. She is apparently friends with his brother too. I had no idea though. I was not happy to hear this obviously, but I told her that I do trust her. I told her that I don't trust her friend or his brother at all though. I feel like her friend may do anything he can to get his brother with my girlfriend if he knows that he likes her. She told me that she thought I don't trust her. Which I can understand, but when I asked how she would feel if I told her a girl had a crush on me, she said she wouldn't be comfortable about it. We had one of our bigger arguments in recent memory over this, and even though we talked it out and worked through it. I still get really paranoid when I see her posting pictures of her hanging out with this guy, or when I see him posting something on her wall. She lives on campus, and so does her friend. His brother has been coming to visit a lot recently, and it's really making me a little crazy. Help
preraph Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 So was she hanging out with him before? Or did this just start once she found out he was crushing on her?
SycamoreCircle Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Justifiably so. I would tell her, "I am not comfortable with you hanging out with that guy. Will you please stop spending time with him?" It's not an unreasonable request. And it's one any girl committed to her boyfriend would be willing to oblige. 1
Author na49 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 So was she hanging out with him before? Or did this just start once she found out he was crushing on her? She may have hung out with him once or twice before. Not alone though, she lives on campus, so when I am not on campus she has a bunch of friends that she hangs out with. She told me that she can't help it if someone has a crush on her. Also I was afraid to make a request like that, and I don't think she'd be willing to just stop hanging out with him. He is her friend's brother, and it would mean she'd need to stop hanging out with the two of them. It is my first relationship, and I never quite understood the difference between being too controlling, or just making a reasonable request. I don't want to control who she hangs out with, but I sometimes wish the shoe was on the other foot so I could see how she felt about me hanging out with a lot of girls.
SycamoreCircle Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 As you get older and more experienced, you will come to know and feel confident with personal boundaries. Boundaries are an important part of gaining happiness and respect in life. You are not comfortable with your girl hanging with this guy. I wouldn't be, either. I'm 38-years-old. If my girl was unwilling to oblige, I would break up with her. The torment of my suspicions and inability to take action would be far greater than the torment of being single, but with my self-respect intact. Maybe you're not prepared for such a drastic move. But sometimes in life we're faced with painful, all or nothing choices. It is part of the pain of attachment. You must make the decision for yourself. One things for sure, though---you're not, with time, going to feel better about their closeness. 4
Author na49 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 As you get older and more experienced, you will come to know and feel confident with personal boundaries. Boundaries are an important part of gaining happiness and respect in life. You are not comfortable with your girl hanging with this guy. I wouldn't be, either. I'm 38-years-old. If my girl was unwilling to oblige, I would break up with her. The torment of my suspicions and inability to take action would be far greater than the torment of being single, but with my self-respect intact. Maybe you're not prepared for such a drastic move. But sometimes in life we're faced with painful, all or nothing choices. It is part of the pain of attachment. You must make the decision for yourself. One things for sure, though---you're not, with time, going to feel better about their closeness. It's nice to hear that I'm not completely crazy for being uncomfortable with this. I'm really hoping that they just grow apart with time. Or he finds a new girl to crush on and stays away from her. I told her how I was feeling again yesterday, and she assured me that they are just friends. She told me that I shouldn't judge him, and should get to know him. Tonight she is watching the Super Bowl with all of her friends (and this fella will be there). She made a status about it, and he commented on it. I can't make it because I'm not feeling good, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't annoy me knowing that this dude is going to be with her.
Author na49 Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Any other thoughts on this? She told me last night that she wanted to have fun with her friends at their party, so she didn't text me during the game which was fine. After her friends leave, she usually lets me know (and I usually let her know when I get home from hanging with my friends) and we text until one of us passes out. I didn't hear from her last night. I still haven't heard from her as I'm writing this, which is definitely odd. She also posted a picture of her with this guy last night, with a caption basically building him up as this "best friend who listens to what she says, and what she doesn't say". It made me very angry, and seeing him like her statuses really gets to me. I know I should trust her, and I know she still chooses to be with me. Knowing that he has a crush on her makes this different than her hanging out with any of her other guy friends. I never get this paranoid about them.
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