Lakeside Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Hey, and thanks for reading! I'll try to be brief... My (new) boyfriend has probably as much baggage as a guy can have. To give a bit of background as quickly as possible he was born a Romani, his mum left when he was toddler, his dad was a drunk, ran away at 14, worked on a farm, met a girl, had a son at 16, married at 18, widowed at 22 (car accident). All that's pretty heavy.. but the guy I met isn't - I've worked with him for a year now, I didn't know all of this was in his background till we got much closer more recently, I just saw the a capable, handsome man, cheeky grin, always laughing. I knew he was widowed and had 9 & 7 year old boys. But his life is stable, he works, he volunteers, he has a nice little cottage, a good running car. And then there's me of course.. i find relationships, difficult, i guess. I've always wanted marriage, a big family like I came from. But I struggle to ever meet a guy I can envisage all that with. People say no one will ever be good enough, etc etc etc. Which isn't true, Its not that i'm trying to be hard, or picky, I just dont want to date for the sake and I don't want to spend my life with someone i don't like.. I'm waiting for the right guy! I'm not asking for the world, hard-working, loyal, robust, family man, makes me laugh, down to earth, not over sensitive, practical. Just a solid guy. And now I've found one in him. I'm 23 and he's the first guy I've fallen for since I was 16! And I've fallen hard! But I'm the first girl he's dated since his wife died, and I just keep learning more and more about his past that doesnt exactly paint a great picture... and now people have gone from "YOUR dating? He must be some guy! When can we meet him" to warning me off "too much baggage" etc etc Things are great between us!! But like i say i dont just do dating for the sake.. can a relationship work when one side comes at it with so much more history than the other? Or do i call time on a good thing because it won't work and why screw with an awesome friendship?
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Tragedy can change people like nothing else. Give it a shot until drama rears its ugly head again, and you find you can't deal with it.
na49 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Wow.. this guy did have a really tough life. Some see it as baggage, others can look at it as experience though. I believe that your relationship with him can work. You should at least give it a chance. 2
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I don't think you have anything to worry about, the guy is stable, is a good provider to his kids, is able to have a positive additude and has carried on with his life quite well. If anything it has made him a very mature/strong person....beyond his years. He is a true survivor. I think you can tell pretty quick if someone is a hot mess or not. He's probably the most stand up guy you will ever meet. 4
Diezel Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Baggage? It sounds like this guy overcame obstacles. It's only baggage if he let it affect him and was carrying it around with him. You are seeing the negative situations and not the positives he got out of it. It "sounds" like he is being the parent his never were even though he was too young to comprehend what was going on and trying to provide the life he never had for himself and his kids. A guy who can overcome what he did and can always be smiling and laughing... again, what baggage? I've seen WAY worse. 2
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Wow! If I met a man like this, that had been through so much and came right back at the surface better and stronger I would not let him go! There is a strength in people that have been through hardships that you don't find anywhere else. 2
Satu Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Take hold of him with both hands. This is a golden opportunity. 1
Jessie1231 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 He sounds great honestly. I've seen guys who have been through tiny ups and downs in life, and they use that as an excuse for horrible behavior. This guy seems to have actually been through things that have the potential to ruin someone, but he seems to have come through it just fine. Don't judge someone because of their past - everyone handles things differently. 3
Author Lakeside Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 Thanks everyone! This makes me feel much better! It is more life experience than baggage really! I guess its just a lot for other people to take in when they don't actually know him so they warn me off. 1
preraph Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 He sounds good, but the best thing to do is take your time, at least a couple of years to continue getting to know him, see him in all situations, like how he is having car trouble or when he's mad about something or when he loses a job. Make sure it's not a nice veneer. Just don't get in a hurry. It takes a couple of years to really get to know someone when they're trying to impress you. 1
Author Lakeside Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 It "sounds" like he is being the parent his never were even though he was too young to comprehend what was going on and trying to provide the life he never had for himself and his kids. A guy who can overcome what he did and can always be smiling and laughing... again, what baggage? I've seen WAY worse. Yeah, he's a fab dad, his boys are a credit to him!! Super well rounded and mature little guys.....much more mature than their dad most of the time!! 1
BeatsByDirk Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I know you don't want to date just for the sake of dating but I joke you don't out a bunch if pressure on the relationship. I would run from you, no offense, but I hate the idea of every second of the relationship is working to something bigger, better, your ideals, your dreams. Feels like a lot of pressure, feels like nobody can live up to your standards. That's what it feels like and a relationship with you(just from what I've read here, I'm sure there is more to you). I'm just saying maybe instead of wondering if he matches up, maybe worry about not running him off?
Author Lakeside Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 I know you don't want to date just for the sake of dating but I joke you don't out a bunch if pressure on the relationship. I would run from you, no offense, but I hate the idea of every second of the relationship is working to something bigger, better, your ideals, your dreams. Feels like a lot of pressure, feels like nobody can live up to your standards. That's what it feels like and a relationship with you(just from what I've read here, I'm sure there is more to you). I'm just saying maybe instead of wondering if he matches up, maybe worry about not running him off? It's not that every second has to be amazing and leading somewhere, it's just that I'm not a big people person, why pretend otherwise. If I like someone then no one could be more loyal but most people just, irritate, me! I've not knocked back guy after guy since I was 16 because they're not good enough for me, I did it because we wouldn't work! I'm not desperate, the way I see it, if you meet the right guy, great, but I'm not just going to date one cause they ask me! I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them or it's their fault, I know that It's probably more about me that I can be difficult but I'm not just going to go for some guy cause who's trying really hard to be what he thinks I want, I'm more than happy to wait for one that gets me! This guys probably the first one but he was still worth waiting for! That doesn't mean I'm about to push him up the aisle or anything!! But when I love someone I really love someone and I don't want misplace that on someone who wasn't in the same place I was! 2
Author Lakeside Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 He sounds good, but the best thing to do is take your time, at least a couple of years to continue getting to know him, see him in all situations, like how he is having car trouble or when he's mad about something or when he loses a job. Make sure it's not a nice veneer. Just don't get in a hurry. It takes a couple of years to really get to know someone when they're trying to impress you. Solid advice! Like I say I'm not rushing down the aisle or anything like that! Just in my mind your serious about at least seeing if there's something there or your not - I just don't have to have a boyfriend just so I e got a boyfriend and the very next guy will do you know? I probably sound like a bit of a b!tch I just like to honestly believe that a relationship could work out before I get head over heels in it is all! 1
Shepp Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 It's not that every second has to be amazing and leading somewhere, it's just that I'm not a big people person, why pretend otherwise. If I like someone then no one could be more loyal but most people just, irritate, me! I've not knocked back guy after guy since I was 16 because they're not good enough for me, I did it because we wouldn't work! I'm not desperate, the way I see it, if you meet the right guy, great, but I'm not just going to date one cause they ask me! I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them or it's their fault, I know that It's probably more about me that I can be difficult but I'm not just going to go for some guy cause who's trying really hard to be what he thinks I want, I'm more than happy to wait for one that gets me! Then why bother what other people think now? If this guy gets you then why's it matter what negatives are in his past any more than it mattered what positives a guy had behind him who just wasn't right for you. If your going with the whole trust your guy thing, then go with it! Don't go looking for excuses to cut and run just because he's in a position where he could hurt you. Thats true for anyone we love, whatever their background. 1
Author Lakeside Posted February 2, 2015 Author Posted February 2, 2015 Don't go looking for excuses to cut and run just because he's in a position where he could hurt you. Thats true for anyone we love, whatever their background. hmmm, hahah, yes, true true
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