sunshinegirl Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 In September, my ex and I spent a weekend on Cape Cod with a couple he has been friends with for several years. I really hit it off with them and we all had a great time that weekend. I saw them again in Oct. The wife was pregnant, due in Feb. My ex and I broke up at the end of Jan. (My story is here, under Breaking Up: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59629/ ) I thought of them the other day and realized they must have had the baby. So I emailed them today to congratulate them and to wish them well. That's it, I think it was a 2-line email. Within 20 minutes, the husband had written me back, with pics of the baby. He asked how I was doing, said don't be a stranger, I can always call or visit, and that I'm a "cool cat" in their book. I am so tempted to call them and try to get more insight into this breakup--they've known him years longer than me and maybe they know something about him or his character that I never picked up on. But that would make me look like a psycho stalking ex, wouldn't it? I've had no contact with the ex since the breakup and would feel very embarrassed if it looked like I was stalking his friends! What should I do?
BrotherAaron Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 If you are interested to get to know them as friends, then there's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely do not befriend them if you even suspect that your ex is a motivating factor in doing so. You need friendships that will get your thoughts away from him, not back to being obssessed with him. You also need to avoid meddling in his relationships to get "answers" (because there really never are any) or to get him messages indirectly. But, like I said, if you wanted to be friends with these people for a reason that had absolutely nothing to do with your ex, then fine. I doesn't sound like that's what you're looking for, though.
Donut Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 I agree with Brother Aaron. Basically in a break-up the friendship tie is very strong. You have to regard anyone's network of friends as being as strong a support as family - often more so. You shouldn't expect anyone in his network to be on your side, or give you snippets of information. They may privately feel you've been let down or betrayed, ill-used etc but they will close ranks to protect "one of their own", especially if you are just befriending them to find out about your ex. If you try pouring your heart out to them they will almost certainly be embarassed about it and may even end up refusing to listen, which may leave you feeling even more rejected than you do already. So, if you want to tell someone about the flaws in the relationship, go over what happened and the unjust treatment you may have received, save it for your own family and friends, who will support you. They'll lap it up and that's what they're there for!
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 1, 2005 Author Posted April 1, 2005 Thanks to you both. It's good to get reality checks before doing something stupid. I would never have replayed bad things from our relationship with them (there were very few!)...I guess I thought perhaps that since I'm shaking my head in bewilderment at the whole thing, they might have been able to say "yeah, well, he does tend to get in over his head with relationships and then end them abruptly." or something--anything!--that could help me understand. But cooler and wiser heads will prevail. They are great people but befriending them at this point will remind me too much of my ex and I would have to bite my tongue to avoid bringing him up. Thanks again!
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