SaraSnow Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 So I wondered if I could perhaps have some thoughts and opinions as to the extent of honesty and openness in the world of dating. Judging from my experiences, and those of this forum, dating to a large extent, consists of some form of game playing (i'll wait [x amount of time] before texting back). It also involves guarding your emotions - so you don't get hurt. So this may at times consist of concealing certain parts of yourself. Which in turn, is involved when you are trying to portray the best version of yourself. AND, we lie to save other peoples feelings. Like, when you decide you no longer what to see them because they smell bad/have an annoying laugh/you just don't find them attractive, we will usually take some form of excuse along the line of "it's not you, it's me". We often second guess people and question what they are thinking as a result. Do you reckon, therefore, dating experiences would be improved if people were more honest and straightforward? I was seeing a guy casually for a few months. Both of us had stated we didn't want to have a relationship at that time, so we were just having fun on dates. Neither of us discussed exclusivity. We text back and forth regularly for a while and it was fine. Suddenly, I never get a response to a text and never hear from him again. Turned out, he'd found a girl he'd decided to go steady with. Fine by me, but at the time I thought it was very cowardly of him to allow me to find out through the grapevine - why not just be an adult about it and explain? Another reason I ask, is that I've been texting a guy for a while (i've mentioned this in a previous post). He cancelled a date and has never asked to reschedule. My interest has now gone out of the window. So I have taken my time to reply to his texts - between 2-3 days. He still always replies and it's dragging out. Is it better for me to just, not reply? Leave him wondering? Or is it better to text back something like "Look, I don't see the point in this. Bye" Thoughts please?
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Tactful honesty is the best policy. Waiting 2-3 DAYS to text / call back in an attempt to not appear eager is game playing. I have waited 2-3 hours (assuming I genuinely missed the call) to avoid seeming overly eager but I never didn't pick up to appear mysterious. I agree that guy was discourteous & should have said something to break it off rather than just disappear but most people don't like confrontation & don't enjoy hurting others. It's not an excuse but an explanation. If your interest has waned with the latest guy, just tell him that you are done & leave it at that. By not replying you are doing to him what the 1st guy did to you. 1
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I use what we call judgement. I don't play games. If I feel like texting I do, when I get a message I reply when the opportunity arise, if the opportunity is right away then I reply right away. If that attitude chases a man away than him and I aren't meant for each other. I do end things when I am not pleased. I don't fade away. I just say it's not working for me and wish them good luck. If I showed my interest, if I did my part and the man is not reciprocating the way I like then I let go. I cannot make a man like me the way I want to be liked. Do I go into explaining why? no. What made me unhappy will probably make another woman very happy. I am no one to judge them. 4
Author SaraSnow Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Tactful honesty is the best policy. Waiting 2-3 DAYS to text / call back in an attempt to not appear eager is game playing. I have waited 2-3 hours (assuming I genuinely missed the call) to avoid seeming overly eager but I never didn't pick up to appear mysterious. I agree that guy was discourteous & should have said something to break it off rather than just disappear but most people don't like confrontation & don't enjoy hurting others. It's not an excuse but an explanation. If your interest has waned with the latest guy, just tell him that you are done & leave it at that. By not replying you are doing to him what the 1st guy did to you. well, I think dating is game playing for everyone, to some extent. I'm bad at texting, as in I see it and forget frequently. However if it is someone important (a close friend) my reply is much quicker. I generally respond to how I am being treated and mirror that - so he is taking ages to reply as well. I'm not making a conscious decision "Oh, I'd like to text back, but I won't". Yeah I agree, I wasn't hurt by it. I wasn't even indignant at his behaviour really, I just thought it was a poor reflection on him. Would you not think that, the sort of text I suggested, is a bit "out there" and very forward?
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Would you not think that, the sort of text I suggested, is a bit "out there" and very forward? I'm pretty blunt (if you can't tell from my posts). I also value clarity. So no I don't think such a text would be too forward. I may soften it a bit something like: Hey, you & I seem to miss more than we connect. This just isn't working for me anymore. I wish you well in your search but I'm moving on. Take care. 1
Author SaraSnow Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 I'm pretty blunt (if you can't tell from my posts). I also value clarity. So no I don't think such a text would be too forward. I may soften it a bit something like: Hey, you & I seem to miss more than we connect. This just isn't working for me anymore. I wish you well in your search but I'm moving on. Take care. Yeah, I'd agree. 100% I prefer to be able to be straight with people (and them with me). However I also tend to mirror peoples' behaviour, if that makes sense? If someone is standoffish with me, I'll just feel standoffish with them, without particularly meaning to. This guy hasn't been very open with me - texting me regularly for weeks, then cancelling a date (last minute), but continuing to text me? I am of the opinion that guys like this don't deserve my clarity (much less any further texts). But, like you, I do prefer honesty - so I can't decide at the moment.
Haydn Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 If i like a girl, i reply straight away and vice versa. Why games? Pointless. 1
Author SaraSnow Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 If i like a girl, i reply straight away and vice versa. Why games? Pointless. He text back straight away initially - then bam, cancelled.
kendahke Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I was seeing a guy casually for a few months. Both of us had stated we didn't want to have a relationship at that time, so we were just having fun on dates. Neither of us discussed exclusivity. We text back and forth regularly for a while and it was fine. Suddenly, I never get a response to a text and never hear from him again. Turned out, he'd found a girl he'd decided to go steady with. Fine by me, but at the time I thought it was very cowardly of him to allow me to find out through the grapevine - why not just be an adult about it and explain? He was probably trying to avoid a protracted conversation with you pressing him to reconsider because he wasn't going to reconsider. I've just gone through that this week with my ex-LDR. He kind of vanished on me back in November, citing family illness and a new job had his attention. I waited, then decided to go back on OKC to try dating. I happened to put in the area in which he lives and he popped up in a new profile, new screen name and had in the body of his profile that he "thinks he's found the one he was looking for..." I was stunned when I read that because as far as I knew, it was a matter of some local issues ironing themselves out and nothing bad between the two of us. He decided to end things and took the coward's way out. I did contact him--didn't go HAM on him, but was very loving and wished him well, etc. He was early on in a new relationship and was no longer interested in pursuing anything with me. So, I've cut him lose and blocked him from contacting me in the future. This man is 62, so even at that age, some people are still not adult enough to stand in their truth and take their a$$-whippin' for it. He once remarked to me that he wasn't interested in dating women in his area because they were all crazy or had emotional problems. I'm thinking "well, if this is the way you treat them, no wonder they open up a can of whoop a$$ on you". It's insulting to be treated like that. I can see why his son no longer wants to have anything to do with him if he's like this. Another reason I ask, is that I've been texting a guy for a while (i've mentioned this in a previous post). He cancelled a date and has never asked to reschedule. My interest has now gone out of the window. So I have taken my time to reply to his texts - between 2-3 days. He still always replies and it's dragging out. Is it better for me to just, not reply? Leave him wondering? Or is it better to text back something like "Look, I don't see the point in this. Bye" Thoughts please? It's best to tell him you don't see the point; bye and then block him from contacting you. That way, you're not looking and hoping for him to reach out to you. It's really the best thing you can do for yourself and your healing process. The interesting thing for me is that the same day I ended things with ex-LDR, I began talking to a new man--and I do mean talking, as in on the phone. We've had a number of conversations so far because I said to him in one of the first emails that I am not a texting monster; that I prefer talking on the phone to texting, so that is what we do. We are both really enjoying one another so far, so we're scheduled to meet up tomorrow for coffee. I think that if you don't want to fall into the texting trap, you have to establish that early on with them.
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Why did he cancel last minute? If it was something like My family member just had a heart attack or my boss just unexpectedly dumped big project on me both would explain why he has been less available.
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I generally respond to how I am being treated and mirror that - so he is taking ages to reply as well. I'm not making a conscious decision "Oh, I'd like to text back, but I won't" The mirroring: That is the biggest game playing and most confusing attitude you can have in the dating world. You are suppose to be out there and be yourself not play monkey and mimic everyone else's grimaces. How is a man suppose to see your personality through this game? If you like rapid replies then offer rapid replies, if you like daily communication then make daily communication, you value consideration then be considerate. Why play these games if you don't get the type of communication you wish to have. Just go to next till you find someone that is on the same page as you. 1
Haydn Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 He text back straight away initially - then bam, cancelled. I still think the biggest problem is the lack of `Indie` music, especially the `Arctic Monkeys` But seriously if you feel it`s a game he is playing, then just withdraw and move on. Bit like Gaeta said. 1
Author SaraSnow Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Why did he cancel last minute? If it was something like My family member just had a heart attack or my boss just unexpectedly dumped big project on me both would explain why he has been less available. A family member's birthday, which he forgot about. I'd have been open minded, but he never actually asked to reschedule. He didnt even say sorry
Haydn Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 A family member's birthday, which he forgot about. I'd have been open minded, but he never actually asked to reschedule. He didnt even say sorry Me thinks you quite like this bloke. That`s ok but just get to point with him and stop dancing around the communication issue. This could help..... Good luck SS.
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 A family member's birthday, which he forgot about. I'd have been open minded, but he never actually asked to reschedule. He didnt even say sorry That only explains the cancellation not the rest of the disappearing act.
Author SaraSnow Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 That only explains the cancellation not the rest of the disappearing act. hm no, but I can only guess as to why that was.
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