AJones Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Came to this site for the first time within the past week. She(23) ended things tonight with me(26)...2 weeks ago the GF sent me an email (because she wanted to write it all out for me to process), about how she feels the relationship has just been floating, she needs more communication and effort from me, wants to know what i want out of myself and the relationship. We talked that night and somewhat made up, but was rough. Then a week ago we had an intense conversation and she wanted to break up. It's a week later now, and the past week has been very eye opening and made me realize what was wrong. Most things were right in our relationship, which lasted almost 3 years; Mutual respect, attraction, adoration, hobbies, trust, and values were all there. She's a go-getter, is intelligent, and has high expectations. I feel so bad because I realized I wasn't putting enough effort into the relationship. It's not because I wasn't committed or in love with her either. I'm just a 'chiller' guy, but still love doing all kinds of adventurous and new things. Anyway, I poured my heart out tonight, that I realized what my faults were and that I want to change for her and myself. I really thought this was a chance to form the strongest relationship since we had everything else going for us. She had already made up her mind. She was glad i realized those things, but felt it was time for her to move on. This was the hardest thing for me. I always felt like she was more in love with me than I with her, if that makes sense. We only ever had a couple arguments, and it was on this same topic of effort. I feel like my lack of effort made her doubt my commitment, but I was always committed and always reassured her of this. I guess I'm just lost and need encouragement. There's so many more things I can say about this. As soon as she left my place for the last time, there were so many things i wanted to tell her. We were so happy with each other two weeks ago. She always believed in me, why not now that I could make this right and better than ever?
myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 People always that you want what you can't have. When you had her, you did not show her the proper attention that a gf needs. Girls love just random acts of love or random gestures. She cannot read your mind, so she probably was always second guessing your feelings. I would try and talk with her or show her how much of a changed person you are (send flowers)
Author AJones Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 The thing is, I think her and women are just wired differently then men. I did give her attention, did do random acts of love. I treated her so well and she would agree. It's too late now, I told her how I truly felt. She was firm and decided we can't get back together. I feel like she gave up on a great thing
myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 The thing is, I think her and women are just wired differently then men. I did give her attention, did do random acts of love. I treated her so well and she would agree. It's too late now, I told her how I truly felt. She was firm and decided we can't get back together. I feel like she gave up on a great thing I'm sorry that happened we are wired very differently than men. Perhaps she had very low self esteem. Girls with low self esteem are so rough because they don't even love themselves. That means you have to provide double the love!!
Light Breeze Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) People always that you want what you can't have. When you had her, you did not show her the proper attention that a gf needs. Girls love just random acts of love or random gestures. She cannot read your mind, so she probably was always second guessing your feelings. I would try and talk with her or show her how much of a changed person you are (send flowers) It takes two two tango, don't blame this all on him. He said that "most things" were right in their relationship. To OP, I'm thinking both of you had shortcomings in this but a think the main culprit is simple incompatibility in personalities. You're a chiller and she is a go-getter. She probably wanted you to be more like her and be less than you and if you did that because of her, you're going to lose your identity. It's good that you want to improve, but be honest with yourself and take account of what YOU think is wrong with you and fix it for YOU and not for her. I'm sorry that happened we are wired very differently than men. Perhaps she had very low self esteem. Girls with low self esteem are so rough because they don't even love themselves. That means you have to provide double the love!! No, he doesn't, it is not his responsibility to give double the love the because the girl has a very low self esteem. We are all responsible for our OWN happiness. Edited January 30, 2015 by Light Breeze 2
myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 It takes two two tango, don't blame this all on him. He said that "most things" were right in their relationship. To OP, I'm thinking both of you had shortcomings in this but a think the main culprit is simple incompatibility in personalities. You're a chiller and she is a go-getter. She probably wanted you to be more like her and be less than you and if you did that because of her, you're going to lose your identity. It's good that you want to improve, but be honest with yourself and take account of what YOU think is wrong with you and fix it for YOU and not for her. No, he doesn't, it is not his responsibility to give double the love the because the girl has a very low self esteem. We are all responsible for our OWN happiness. Okay you're right I said that wrong. Not double the love, but perhaps more reinsurance? Being happy with oneself is really difficult. They say that if you don't love yourself it's impossible to love others hm
Author AJones Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 It takes two two tango, don't blame this all on him. He said that "most things" were right in their relationship. To OP, I'm thinking both of you had shortcomings in this but a think the main culprit is simple incompatibility in personalities. You're a chiller and she is a go-getter. She probably wanted you to be more like her and be less than you and if you did that because of her, you're going to lose your identity. It's good that you want to improve, but be honest with yourself and take account of what YOU think is wrong with you and fix it for YOU and not for her. No, he doesn't, it is not his responsibility to give double the love the because the girl has a very low self esteem. We are all responsible for our OWN happiness. I'm kicking myself because I feel like I could've been what she wanted. If i just planned a few more outings each month, among other things. I don't know how to split up the quotes, but regarding the 2nd paragraph, I totally agree with you..The ONLY time I had doubts about us and felt like I could break up, is during an argument we had in the past about my commitment/effort and how it made her feel bad. In my mind she had too high expectations, and was relying on me for her happiness. It's like no matter what I did she didn't appreciate everything I was doing even though she was totally in love with me.
gnick Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 From my own experience and everything I've read if I were you I would go right into no contact. There's a good chance she may think differently after a while and may want to try again
Radu Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Anyway, I poured my heart out tonight, that I realized what my faults were and that I want to change for her and myself. I really thought this was a chance to form the strongest relationship since we had everything else going for us. She had already made up her mind. She was glad i realized those things, but felt it was time for her to move on. This was the hardest thing for me. I always felt like she was more in love with me than I with her, if that makes sense. We only ever had a couple arguments, and it was on this same topic of effort. I feel like my lack of effort made her doubt my commitment, but I was always committed and always reassured her of this. You can't be who you are not. This whole change is overall just bullcr*p; ppl do change but rarely do for others ... and never at the push of a button. I have to ask though ... in the end you were willing to change for her; but was she willing to change for you ? 1
Radu Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Okay you're right I said that wrong. Not double the love, but perhaps more reinsurance? Being happy with oneself is really difficult. They say that if you don't love yourself it's impossible to love others hm You can't fix someone that is broken; they can only fix themselves [i was very low self-esteem]. In fact this abundant desire to fix someone [in the form of wishful thinking about them ending up fixed with love] is why victims stay with abusers.
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 To me, this sounds like a simple case of incompatibility. She has a way of doing things that doesn't quite mesh up with yours. It doesn't mean that either of you are right/wrong or better/worse. It just means you're not right for each other. In the long run, that would leave you both dissatisfied. This idea that you should have "done more" is ridiculous. You put in the effort you were willing to put in. "Doing more" would just exhaust you in the long run. You'll be fine after a while. Maybe you should start writing a list of the things that you'd change about her. It will be difficult at first, but I think once you start thinking about it, you'll be able to identify the incompatibilities. 1
Author AJones Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 To me, this sounds like a simple case of incompatibility. She has a way of doing things that doesn't quite mesh up with yours. It doesn't mean that either of you are right/wrong or better/worse. It just means you're not right for each other. In the long run, that would leave you both dissatisfied. This idea that you should have "done more" is ridiculous. You put in the effort you were willing to put in. "Doing more" would just exhaust you in the long run. You'll be fine after a while. Maybe you should start writing a list of the things that you'd change about her. It will be difficult at first, but I think once you start thinking about it, you'll be able to identify the incompatibilities. I don't know, now I go back and forth wether we were right for eachother. I don't know how to explain it, but we were a wonderful couple for 3 years. I guess my philosophy is that no one is a perfect match, people have flaws (or traits, that are perceived as flaws). It's hard for me to wrap my head around this, in that she didn't see it as something we could work on. Couples have way worse issues and still resolve them i feel like. Yes, that is good advice; I've been doing that already. During this constant state of highs and lows, my highs are when i think of these things I didn't like about her. Sometimes these things I found annoying at times, I was also attracted to (kind of weird). She was an extreme planner, always planning the next thing and doing it. Yes, this was annoying. She would get stressed out, even sighing in bed before sleep. But also, I could depend on her to get stuff done, which was nice. Anyway, yes, I will continue to do this. Thank you.
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