Gingersnap1 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 My fiance and I are recently engaged after being together for a little more than a year. Before the proposal, I was having a lot of concern with the fact that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Nothing even relevant either, no messing around or flirting or touching like we used to. But when he proposed, I thought it would get much better. I mean, why propose to someone if you don't even want to touch them, right? Wrong. Nothings changed. Its actually gotten worse. This morning, I really let loose on him about how I'm feeling and he admitted he doesn't find me attractive. This immediately upset me and he could tell. No sooner did he take it back! I'm so confused! My appearance has not changed since we started dating, nor has his. I'm 22 and he will be 22 soon. I mean, this is supposed to be a stage in our lives where we can't keep our hands off each other! Any advice or perspective would be great.
hopefullove Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 have you changed from when you first met him and now? physical change?
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Give the ring back. No intimicy/no sex = no relationship. I know you are sad and it's hard but without sex you are nothing more than room-mates or friends. You don't marry a room-mate/friend. Sex, intimacy, desire for each other, is the glue that makes all the rest hold together in a relationship. 1
beach Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I hope you will reconsider marrying him. One year in and it's like this - you don't want a lifetime of neglect and unsatisfied affection. 2
losangelena Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 have you changed from when you first met him and now? physical change? Go back and re-read. She says neither of their appearances have changed. 1
Standard-Fare Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Yep, it's a big problem. There's no good reason to marry someone who gives you zero affection and flat-out tells you they don't find you attractive. Have you had that conversation with him where you ask him why HE would want to marry someone he doesn't want to touch?? What's going on with him that he thinks that sounds happy? You're only 22. Don't rush into this.
darkmoon Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 he is gay, move on, set each other free nicely
Sunfire73 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I think y'all are too young to get married. You will still change your minds. Apparently he did change his mind or feeling sexually about you.
idoltree Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Don't get married. It makes things like this even worse, because you start to really take one another for granted and you feel trapped with the other person. Unless you're okay with a sexless and devoid-of-affection marriage, which I suspect you're not, I would not marry him. You could opt to leave him and see if the loss reignites anything. You could break the engagement but stay in a relationship, and go to counseling or something to see if you can change anything. Doing nothing and going on as is will just erode your soul. He's comfortable this way, you're not, right now he's got no reason to want to try to change anything. You're 22 and you have plenty of time to date around and find someone who thinks you are irresistible.
Diezel Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Don't get married. If you want a glimpse into your future, go on reddit and do a search for "dead bedrooms". It's the horror movie that could become your life.
stillafool Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Ask him why did he ask you to marry him if he doesn't find you attractive.
kendahke Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 My fiance and I are recently engaged after being together for a little more than a year. Before the proposal, I was having a lot of concern with the fact that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Nothing even relevant either, no messing around or flirting or touching like we used to. But when he proposed, I thought it would get much better. I mean, why propose to someone if you don't even want to touch them, right? Wrong. Nothings changed. Its actually gotten worse. This morning, I really let loose on him about how I'm feeling and he admitted he doesn't find me attractive. This immediately upset me and he could tell. No sooner did he take it back! I'm so confused! My appearance has not changed since we started dating, nor has his. I'm 22 and he will be 22 soon. I mean, this is supposed to be a stage in our lives where we can't keep our hands off each other! Any advice or perspective would be great. In 20 years from now, if you marry him, do you think you will like the person you look at in the mirror knowing what you know today, but still pushing for marriage because you don't think anyone else will love you and not be able to keep their hands off of you? The wedding is not the goal, hon. Compatibility is the goal. Sexual compatibility is extremely important and you don't have that going in. Why would you emotionally kneecap yourself by knowingly marrying a man who is turned off by you? Wearing that dress and having that day is not worth the trade off of a lifetime of neglect and misery. If a proposal was never made, would you still be trying to find a way to stay with him? 1
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 have you changed from when you first met him and now? physical change? I'm finding this a lot, recently... people just failing to read properly.... My fiance and I are recently engaged after being together for a little more than a year. Before the proposal, I was having a lot of concern with the fact that he didn't want to have sex with me anymore. Nothing even relevant either, no messing around or flirting or touching like we used to. But when he proposed, I thought it would get much better. I mean, why propose to someone if you don't even want to touch them, right? Wrong. Nothings changed. Its actually gotten worse. This morning, I really let loose on him about how I'm feeling and he admitted he doesn't find me attractive. This immediately upset me and he could tell. No sooner did he take it back! I'm so confused! My appearance has not changed since we started dating, nor has his. I'm 22 and he will be 22 soon. I mean, this is supposed to be a stage in our lives where we can't keep our hands off each other! Any advice or perspective would be great. at 22 you are both far too young to marry, and frankly, that alone, without the additional insult, is enough to terminate this. You BOTH need to spread your wings a bit and diversify, meet new people, expand your horizons and not limit your affections to just each other... And this is absolutely the biggest red flag ever, so yes - return the ring, and part the ways. None of this will come to any good.
TigerLilly78 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 he is gay, move on, set each other free nicely This comes to mind I was once "dating" a bi guy who I ended up suspecting was more gay then bi turned out he just wanted me around for "show" I got to be paraded around as the gf to the family functions to make things look normal to them while mean time he was lusting after the guys behind the sceans..something to at least consider I will never date another bi man lesson learned..
EgoJoe Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Option A: Try being aloof for a bit and see what happens. I would not make a hasty decision. Go to the gym, focus on your interests and wear scantily clad outfits around the home. Option B: Dump him and seek personal growth.
CALOVELY Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 In 20 years from now, if you marry him, do you think you will like the person you look at in the mirror knowing what you know today, but still pushing for marriage because you don't think anyone else will love you and not be able to keep their hands off of you? The wedding is not the goal, hon. Compatibility is the goal. Sexual compatibility is extremely important and you don't have that going in. Why would you emotionally kneecap yourself by knowingly marrying a man who is turned off by you? Wearing that dress and having that day is not worth the trade off of a lifetime of neglect and misery. If a proposal was never made, would you still be trying to find a way to stay with him? Bingo. OP- Read some of the posts in the Sex sub-section here. Men and women who are miserable with their spouses over sex and many admitting they saw issues long before they married but ignored them. Now they are 40+, sad, lonely, hurt, angry, destroyed self esteem and stuck. Do you want that fate?
lovexocoach Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 You're wise to think about this and question it before you're married. Obviously chemistry and sex are important aspects of a relationship (and marriage). And they're obviously important to you or you wouldn't be questioning it. Sex might fade over time in a relationship or marriage but in the early stages it's a strong bonding component of the relationship. Assuming he has desire and there's nothing wrong with him physically or emotionally, then he seems to be treating you as a friend not as a friend and lover. The key question is: Do you want to be married to a man who doesn't find you attractive and who doesn't want to have sex with you? Consider the long term ramifications of that. Would he seek sexual gratification elsewhere with someone he's attracted to? Do you want children? It doesn't sound like you and your fiance are compatible when it comes to sexual chemistry. Only you can decide how important this is to you.
losangelena Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Marriage doesn't fix things. YEP. I reiterate this times infinity. The circumstances surrounding my brother's failed marriage were different than what you're describing, but when there was trouble in their relationship, instead of stopping and fixing it, he thought the answer was to move forward, to try and "prove" his love for her. They should never had gotten married, and in the end, their marriage lasted two years.
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 If he doesn't find you attractive enough at 22 to even touch you, then try 32, 42, 52, 62...?? This is not just no sex, this not showing affection at all. An awful situation. This isn't going to get any better. Dump him pronto. Do not waste your life with a cold fish. Calovely is correct. Men and women who are miserable with their spouses over sex and many admitting they saw issues long before they married but ignored them. Now they are 40+, sad, lonely, hurt, angry, destroyed self esteem and stuck. Do you want that fate? 1
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