When The Fire Goes Out

January 30, 2015

Why don't you want sex with her?

Isn't that the million dollar question?

January 30, 2015

Get a complete physical and check that your testosterone levels are at least at or higher than the middle of the "normal" range. Desire is partly a function of hormones, so anything else you do can be undermined by sub-optimal hormones. And if you are overweight or in poor shape, lifting weights can naturally boost testosterone.

Um, I'm a lesbian. Very healthy and fit and strong. I'm in excellent condition...former all state athlete, coach and police officer. I take my fitness seriously...not an issue.

Anyway, the key to rebuilding desire is building intimacy and connection. That is best done by doing challenging activities together that take you outside your comfort zone and get you to work together to get through. The classic example is white water rafting together, but taking dance lessons, travel to a foreign country where you don't speak the language, or something similar can rekindle the connection. It may take a series of such activities to make the spark turn back into a flame, though.

I do like these ideas. It's hard to take time for such things with a toddler, but we do need to make more of an effort for couple time. I agree.

January 30, 2015

You seem to hold your affair as some lofty standard when in reality an affair is a snippet of long term reality.

Perhaps you're going through a mid life crisis, and the cliche " it's not about you, it's about me" is ironically relevant.

I don't think so.

For some people contentment is frightening , as it can make some people feel ordinary and unexciting. The risks, the gambling with excitement and need for it is something you seem attracted to. Some people crave drama and only feel alive when risking contentment.

I've been married for 20 years. I don't crave excitement. Nor am I addicted to drama. I am an ordinary lesbian, who enjoys quiet time with friends and family. I'm a homebody by nature. I do, however, cut loose a couple times of year with girlfriend trips. That's about as crazy as I get.

You and your wife see things from a different lens and are different people. Your wife should be with someone who is a better fit to her wants and needs. I think you would be better off being single, and exploring the excitement of novelty.

I am not interested in exploring the excitement of novelty. Sorry, I'm not. I am not interested in dating. I am not interested in finding someone new. I am interested in finding ways to get fully invested in my partner. If I can, I will use every avenue possible.

Thank you, though.

January 30, 2015

We've been married 17 years, together 20 and we still have sex at least 4 times a week. Why don't you want sex with her?

I do not know.

I'm trying to get to the bottom of it.

January 30, 2015

I do like these ideas. It's hard to take time for such things with a toddler, but we do need to make more of an effort for couple time. I agree.

Sorry about that - I didn't read the whole post. However, hormone issues could still be a problem even if you are very healthy. It could be progesterone that's not optimum, if it's a factor at all.

January 30, 2015

I chose my wife. I said goodbye to my AP (whom I did love and desire). I don't regret it really.

It's been 15 months since ending my affair.

And I think...I shouldn't have to work this hard at wanting my wife and partner. I blamed my affair for a while

And the lack of desire on my end has been prevalent for years....

You don't regret your affair. You seem to not regret the damage that ensued.

Does your wife know you don't regret the affair.

It's as though you are living with walls that you've built.

Are you afraid to be honest with your wife and allow her to chose to let you go.

To say you chose your wife, and yet still hold your affair on a pedestal, is not really giving your wife the choices she can make for herself if you are truthful with her.

January 30, 2015

Let me just throw the obvious out there....

You're not attracted to her because she's unattractive.

Something about her is unappealing, what is it?

I know having sex with someone every day who is unattractive in some way to me does not create passion and fulfillment. Lots of sex with someone like that is just torture.

Ps I don't mean just one thing, but something really unattractive or so many unattractive things they outweigh the attractive.

Edited January 30, 2015 by loveboid
Spelling

January 30, 2015

You don't regret your affair. You seem to not regret the damage that ensued.

I meant I don't regret ending my affair. I regret the hurt that was involved and the way it has changed my marriage, of course I do.

It's as though you are living with walls that you've built.

This is quite possible.

Are you afraid to be honest with your wife and allow her to chose to let you go.

My wife knows of my struggles. We talk about it. I have explained sometimes I feel broken inside and unable to fully reconnect. We talk about it, we cry sometimes, and then we move on...and usually after we talk we feel better for some time...then it cycles around again.

To say you chose your wife, and yet still hold your affair on a pedestal

No, I don't. I can admit to loving my AP and desiring her b/c I did, but I no longer crave her. I don't want her sexually in anyway.

You are not really giving your wife the choices she can make for herself if you are truthful with her.

This is so far of the mark. I've been 100% honest with my wife from the start (EA) to end of everything and even now when I struggle, I share my feelings openly. I'm not afraid to talk about the affair with her. I'm not afraid to say, we are struggling...I'm not. Often, though, she knows when I'm struggling before I do.

January 30, 2015

We went to couples counseling during the EA and PA.

We are both in IC now.

Maybe it's time to head back into counseling together.

January 30, 2015

Don't you think that the nature of these sites, the internet, counselling etc gives people a sense of false hope?

If I read enough posts by people in a similar situation, see a psychotherapist, trawl the internet for books and opinions, then hopefully I'll find the missing answer, the missing piece in the jigsaw to give the answer I seek or am hoping for?

But isn't it simpler than that? You no longer desire your wife. End of. And all the searches, books read and talking ultimately won't change that.

All the counselling, book reading, internet searching and wish fulfilment in the world wouldn't make you straight (not that I'm suggesting you want to be), you have no choice in the matter. You are who you are.

Isn't this the same really. You can't make yourself feel and behave in a way you don't want to. Or you can, but won't it ultimately make you miserable?

Again. No answers. But are you really trying to stop the tide from coming in?

January 30, 2015

Let me just throw the obvious out there....
You're not attracted to her because she's unattractive.

Something about her is unappealing, what is it?

We don't laugh. We don't talk about deep, meaningful things anymore. This is not her fault. We do need more time together and do new things together to create the bond. I mean more than going out to dinner and a movie. She's not into things I'm into. I go horseback riding, she doesn't. I like golf, she can't play. So we need to find something we can both enjoy together...I think that will help a lot.

This was a huge help to me. Thank you.

January 30, 2015

Don't you think that the nature of these sites, the internet, counselling etc gives people a sense of false hope?

If I read enough posts by people in a similar situation, see a psychotherapist, trawl the internet for books and opinions, then hopefully I'll find the missing answer, the missing piece in the jigsaw to give the answer I seek or am hoping for?

But isn't it simpler than that? You no longer desire your wife. End of. And all the searches, books read and talking ultimately won't change that.

All the counselling, book reading, internet searching and wish fulfilment in the world wouldn't make you straight (not that I'm suggesting you want to be), you have no choice in the matter. You are who you are.

Isn't this the same really. You can't make yourself feel and behave in a way you don't want to. Or you can, but won't it ultimately make you miserable?

Again. No answers. But are you really trying to stop the tide from coming in?

I may be trying to stop the tide from coming in. I hope not. It's possible, though. Only time will tell. For now, we keep talking and trying because I want our marriage to work.

She's a good woman. We have a lot of history together. We share a boy who adores us both and the family unit. I watched him suffer when I left last year, it's a sobering thing to witness how our selfish choices impact our kids.

By all means, it's not selfish if someone has exhausted everything to try to fix the marriage. I'm simply not there yet. One needs to be 100% sure before walking out the door. My heart is not there. My mind is not there. Maybe my sex drive is there...but the rest of me is not.

Thank you for your thoughts. It's just not easy - like you said.

January 30, 2015

2 questions- If your wife wasn't always unhappy about the lack of sex would you be okay with it and be able to remain happily married without sex??

Is your #1 overarching desire to make the marriage work, or isn't it?? If it is, I think you need to go to counseling together and do whatever is suggested to "rekindle" even if it does not seem natural or likely to work, just do it all, give it your best shot. I'm sure you know about "lesbian bed death!" though it is probably worse when only one person gets it. Anyway there are therapists that are able to address that common problem, maybe you can find one of them?? I hope so.

January 30, 2015

I saw you mention you are in law enforcement? Sometimes LEO's have a hard time turning on and off between the job and home. Is that a problem for you? Do you leave work at work and completely let go of the tension and stress? if not, is there something you could do to decompress before you go home and interact with your wife?

I once heard a comedian say women need "Food, water, and compliments!". Of course, we need more than that. I'd add touch and shoes! How physically affectionate are you as a couple? Do you make an effort to touch her shoulder as you walk by? Do you randomly kiss her, even just a brief meeting of lips, when you're passing in the hall or watching a movie? What about massage or even just simple back, arm, leg , whatever caressing? Do you tell her she is pretty, smart, sexy, whatever else you think she is? These things are simple, but they make a huge difference to both parties.

And, yes, maybe you should go back to couples counseling.

Also, do you have lingerie? Well, since you're both women...do both of you have lingerie? Maybe dusting off a couples favorite or buying something new and sexy, adding some candles and incense, and just letting go and being together would help. Be naughty and fun. See where that goes.

January 30, 2015

I saw you mention you are in law enforcement? Sometimes LEO's have a hard time turning on and off between the job and home. Is that a problem for you? Do you leave work at work and completely let go of the tension and stress? if not, is there something you could do to decompress before you go home and interact with your wife?

I once heard a comedian say women need "Food, water, and compliments!". Of course, we need more than that. I'd add touch and shoes! How physically affectionate are you as a couple? Do you make an effort to touch her shoulder as you walk by? Do you randomly kiss her, even just a brief meeting of lips, when you're passing in the hall or watching a movie? What about massage or even just simple back, arm, leg , whatever caressing? Do you tell her she is pretty, smart, sexy, whatever else you think she is? These things are simple, but they make a huge difference to both parties.

And, yes, maybe you should go back to couples counseling.

Also, do you have lingerie? Well, since you're both women...do both of you have lingerie? Maybe dusting off a couples favorite or buying something new and sexy, adding some candles and incense, and just letting go and being together would help. Be naughty and fun. See where that goes.

Thank you for your suggestions. Taking the time to set the mood is something we fail at.

I think my wife, god love her, heard me and has taken matters into her own hands.

She just texted me that she had a fun dream about us last night. I said, what?

She said...blindfolds and a lace thong. Can't lie...that put a smile on my face.

Then she said, she booked a weekend get-a-way for us.

Talking about our sex problems isn't easy. I know if I didn't say...hey, we had horrible sex last night, she wouldn't have said anything to me...even though she agreed. She'd never say it out loud first.

So we'll get the blindfold, the lace thong, skip town and try to have some fun.

January 30, 2015

I meant to add that I quit the police force sometime ago for reasons you stated and the more obvious ones.

January 30, 2015

The only baggage that needs to come along on this trip is your luggage!

Really.

Go into this open, relaxed, happy, naughty, etc.

Good luck!

January 30, 2015

The only baggage that needs to come along on this trip is your luggage!

Really.

Go into this open, relaxed, happy, naughty, etc.

Good luck!

LOL...Thank you.

Now I'm sitting here wondering...is she reading LS?

January 30, 2015

I don't think having a toddler and jobs is enough to explain having bad sex when you DO have time together, or not wanting sex. We've got two kid, both well out of toddlerhood (dealing with the teen side of things now!).

I read once that doing new things together outside the bedroom that cause a rush can carry over to passion in the bedroom. For example, go-kart driving, laser tag, a ropes course, or even a quick game of air hockey while the kids play in the arcade can get our blood rushing, us laughing and teasing, and end in a passionate kiss!

January 30, 2015

LOL...Thank you.

Now I'm sitting here wondering...is she reading LS?

If she is she must really love you and want to make your marriage work because took action. Or maybe she hasn't read a thing and loves you, wants to make it work, and hopes this will do the trick.

Being all hetero and all, I don't have any lesbian relationship experience. Some things are obviously going to be a bit different. But I have been married 12 years, together 15, and we've been through periods of sex being "meh" at best and some distance between us.

Making a special effort to spend time together and set ourselves up to have great sex showed us it was still possible. But making changes for the better after that required a lot of remembering to really feel our feelings and actually act on them. Just a few extra touches and kisses spread out throughout the day made a world of difference. Sprinkle in some compliments and it's like magic. Suddenly, I felt more loved, desired and confident. I started acting like a woman who was loved and desired and felt confident. That made me more appealing to my DH and made him want to say nice things and touch me. Feedback loop.

January 30, 2015

If she is she must really love you and want to make your marriage work because took action. Or maybe she hasn't read a thing and loves you, wants to make it work, and hopes this will do the trick.

Being all hetero and all, I don't have any lesbian relationship experience. Some things are obviously going to be a bit different. But I have been married 12 years, together 15, and we've been through periods of sex being "meh" at best and some distance between us.

Making a special effort to spend time together and set ourselves up to have great sex showed us it was still possible. But making changes for the better after that required a lot of remembering to really feel our feelings and actually act on them. Just a few extra touches and kisses spread out throughout the day made a world of difference. Sprinkle in some compliments and it's like magic. Suddenly, I felt more loved, desired and confident. I started acting like a woman who was loved and desired and felt confident. That made me more appealing to my DH and made him want to say nice things and touch me. Feedback loop.

Being all lesbian and all, I think relationships are the same...gay and straight alike. They are hard work to maintain connection and intimacy and gratitude.

I appreciate the responses in the thread. It helps me feel more normal. I'm reminded of the highs and lows that come along with decades of married life.

For me, more so than my wife, I do need the daily connection, the talking, and step away from work life and cell phones, and TV (unless football is on ).

Before our little guy came along, I think we were better at making an effort. We took walks on the beach, read books to each other, wrote poetry, went camping, kayaking, we took art classes together, we traveled, we dreamed big...

So much of our daily life has become about him, as it should, but I think we put our relationship on the back burner a lot and it hurts us. Finding balance has been hard.

Someone said, it takes effort. It takes a whole lot of effort every day. From the little things to the bigger stuff. I'm in this for the long haul. I think there's more I can do to help us get there.

Thanks for listening and for the support, everyone.

Edited January 30, 2015 by Rainbowlove

January 30, 2015

Someone said, it takes effort. It takes a whole lot of effort every day. From the little things to the bigger stuff. I'm in this for the long haul. I think there's more I can do to help us get there.

Thanks for listening and for the support, everyone.

It takes effort, and patience when things aren't the best, and trust that things will be better, and vulnerability to reach across the divide and pull the other partner closer when distance sets in.

It sounds like your wife has been doing a lot of all the above by initiating sex when you've been pushing her away sexually. It can't be easy for her. Doesn't that thought spark some appreciation and warmth?

How was your sexual attraction to her before your affair? Are the reasons you cheated still at play?

January 30, 2015

It takes effort, and patience when things aren't the best, and trust that things will be better, and vulnerability to reach across the divide and pull the other partner closer when distance sets in.

It sounds like your wife has been doing a lot of all the above by initiating sex when you've been pushing her away sexually. It can't be easy for her. Doesn't that thought spark some appreciation and warmth?

How was your sexual attraction to her before your affair? Are the reasons you cheated still at play?

Well, I don't really think of it as reasons I cheated bc I could have and wished I made different choices regarding the affair. There is no good reason in the world to cheat. But at the time, I had a laundry list justifying myself.

A lot of those reasons were related to resentments for mistreatments on her end. She admits it happened. She put me last on her list of priorities for a long time. She had an obvious emotional affair that we rug swept and she denied and still down plays.

There was zero balance in household responsibilities. I would say our partnership was not a partnership, but at times resembled a warped parent/child relationship.

I think she can be co-dependent at times and if I'm not careful, it sucks me in.

I've been hot and cold with her for years in bed. Before the affair, I just gave it to her bc I didn't want to fight with her. I don't want to be like that again, but it seems then like we only have good sex when I want it. I'm aware that's not healthy or fair to her, so I've been trying to work on that with some success until the last session which was god awful for us both.

I have warmth and compassion for my wife's feelings in this. I know it must hurt her a ton to feel unwanted or sexually desired at times.

Beyond looking for ways to improve our emotional bond and couple's counseling, I'm out of answers.

January 31, 2015

Sounds like what you and your wife need is a vacation. You guys just need to escape all the demands of a normal life for a couple of days (maybe a couple of weeks) If you can, drop the kid off at a friends or family members place and go on a couples retreat. I think a couples retreat may be your best bet. Not only do you get to go to an exotic place, but there are a ton of team building and marital exercises they provide to help strengthen the marriage.

January 31, 2015

It sounds like there were times when she was pulling away from you (prioritizing other things) and you wanted more, and now you're pulling away from her (sexually) and she's wanting more.

Have there also been extended times when things were mutually "all in" from both of you? Or is it a long term pattern of push-pull?

On some level, I think great sex simply begets great sex. What would turn you on? Thinking erotica, porn, old scenes from the L word . If you just get turned on by whatever means, and have good times together, maybe that'll spark a positive feedback loop.

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