Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Last night I went to the fair with my best friend and my bf...As you may all know or not, I've been back and forth with him concerning his age and also the fact that a love interest from my past is back...The Lozano!! We were at the fair and the whole night my boyfriend had this face of boredom and made my night a living hell...He first got upset at me because I didn't stop before getting to his place to take out money and by a blunt (garcia vega )....The he gets upset because the pop tickets are to expensive and it's not worth it...Damn it we hardly to anything I got paid and I want to spend the f*cking $18 on a pop ticket and so did my friend...Well he didn't buy a pop ticket and didn't even buy tickets... I had a blast riding with my best friend...we enjoyed the rides so much and screamed out lungs out...The whole time he didn't hold my hand...gave me one kiss the whole night and had a face that if looks can kill we all be dead...It was so weird... So now my problem, I've been trying to find the words to let him know that my feelings for him are not the same...we've been arguing a lot and a couple of days ago I had a little moment and even asked for space but missed him to much...We worked things out and it was good for only ONE DAY!! I don't feel the connection we once had and some has to do with Lozano but some doesn't...As you may know my boyfriend is 19 and I'm 23...Always had a thing about our age but didn't want to realize it...We are in 2 different parts of our lives and we aren't on the same page either...I want to let him know how I feel but I don't want it to come out in a meaningful way...No matter what I say he's going to get hurt but I just want him to understand where I'm coming from...I loved him once, but it went away...I don't feel the connection between us anymore and it sucks...I feel as if my life still needs fulfillment and I need to set some goals for myself... I guess I've ranted on but please...Any points or advice at this point would be greatly appreciated...I'm lost for words and can't explain the way I'm feeling...I need to let him know I don't want to be with him anymore...How do I say that with out blabbing on?? I feel awful because I don't want to break his heart but no matter what the damage will be done...Need words to let him know???!!
curious jane Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Hey there Yes breaking up is sooo hard it's like dealing with a death almost. I broke up with my b/f of almost 4 years last week - it took me 3 time until i could be final with it. The first to times i just cried and cried - it was so hard and i think the hardest thing was not my hurt - as i wanted to move on - but seeing him hurt, thats what hurts the most We tried to talk things out, but i knew things would and could not change. If things are going back to how they are so fast for you then they prolly will not change, and it is hard to let go when you care for someone so much - but, once it is done you feel like a weight is off your shoulder and you can move on and explore life once again and not have to worry about anyone but you - and by the sounds of it thats what you want - freedom - you are young and now is the time to have fun !!! I am 27 and one of the resons why i broke it off was because iw as not having fun anymore and i don't want to be in my 30's looking back wishing i had my 20's back.
RoxStar Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Sometimes I find if I write it all down in a letter that I NEVER EVER send it helps me organize my thoughts. Especially when it comes to big issues like break ups or relationship problems. Keeps me from over analyzing and babbling on relentlessly. Plus it helps me make sure I have covered all my points. Just be honest and direct. That is the best way to be. Its never easy to say but sometimes you just have to say it. Good Luck. Do whats best for you.
Author Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 CJ...I know what you mea.. I don't want to live life wondering "what if"...I want to live life and go crazy do whatever comes to mind first and edulge in the fantasies of life... Breaking up is definitely hard espcially when you're the one breaking the heart...It's true part of the reason it's so hard because when I tried the first time he was soooo hurt and destroyed it burned me inside and felt like an awful person...but I gotta do it..it's the only way
blind_otter Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Sometimes I have to do trial runs where I break up and get back together with someone before I can make the final break. You are right though, it is awful being the one breaking the heart....
Author Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 I just got off the phone with him and he's like "babe you don't love me anymore"...and I was thinking how do you know??? It's sad how people can say I love you and not mean it...I feel like a horrible person...He's such a good guy but I'm not in love with him anymore...God this hurts so much...I'm dying over here...Need to tell him just lost for words...Damn it this sucks
Donut Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Tell him he's a great guy, but you don't love him enough to carry on the relationship. You don't have similar life goals right now and you're not on the same page. Once you do this though you have to be strong and stick with your decision. You will second guess at first most likely, feel bad that the feelings are gone, you will be missing the comfort of being in a relationship, but you have to remember why you are doing this. You aren't a bad person, you just realise that this relationship has run it's course, prolonging it would just make things worse.
Author Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 Donut..your right just because I fell out of love with him doesn't mean I'm a bad person...But that's how I feel! Tell him he's a great guy, but you don't love him enough to carry on the relationship. You don't have similar life goals right now and you're not on the same page. Easier said then done....but it's a start and the truth!
Author Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 So I finally got some words and things I feel would be appropriate and it's how I feel...I had to write it down let me know what you guys think... Him: Whats wrong? Me: Thinking about last night Him: What about last night? Me: Just didn't feel the connection between us Him: What? I don't understand? What are you tyring to say? Me: You seemed so distant...It made me think a lot and I feel mentally and emotionally we're not on the same page Him: So what do you want to do? Where are you going with this? Me: I think it's time we realize we're not happy and we continue to fight and we don't see eye to eye...it's best if we separate... Then all hell breaks lose...So whatcha think?? At this point I'm just going to burst
Donut Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Hun, you're not a bad person. No-one goes into a relationship thinking yeah, in a few months/years we'll break up. It's completely normal to feel some guilt, you had some great times, share memories, and so on, and he will prob be upset....... If you make the break as honest as possible, while still caring about him (before you start to resent him and it turns into a nasty affair with blame and name calling etc), you'll know you did it as dignified and respectful as you could. You have no power over how he's going to take it, but you have control over your actions. If he wants to talk, just mainly do the listening, reflect what he is saying but don't say anything to make it a personal attack on him and remain steadfast in your decision.
Author Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 You have no power over how he's going to take it, but you have control over your actions. If he wants to talk, just mainly do the listening, reflect what he is saying but don't say anything to make it a personal attack on him and remain steadfast in your decision. Your so right...It's scary... No matter what he has to say I have to stick to my decision...
Donut Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Yup, it is scary, and ugly. Nothing pretty about breaking up. Life unfortunately isn't fair sometimes! But you know you're making the best decision for you both, even though he may not be able to see it right away, but he will in time and you'll both find happiness in love again down the road. It would be worse to stay with him and just go through the motions wouldn't it? No-one in their right mind wants a one-sided relationship, so you are doing the best thing.
Author Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Posted March 31, 2005 Yeah it is one sided...I've had a queezy stomach for the past 3 days and it sucks ...I'm starving and I can't eat...
Nick14 Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Not to hijack your thread but i was in the same position. I got dumped but what sucked the most was that i changed and became a better b/f and grew up for a month. I made mistakes and didn't give her enough attention. I changed for her, us and the relationship but I still get bombed on. Now, that sucks, yes did I throw a fit of course. Only because, I changed from a great b/f into a greater b/f, hell she requested all that and i did it for more then 2 weeks. went out for 2.5 years and I still bombed on. I had a right to bitch and try to make her realize she's making a bad mistake. Now i am being treated like a stranger for 7 months ugh...
greenhorn Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 NSN, Some days back I think we discussed the same situation and I know you are in dilemma but one earnest request, don't keep the guy hanging, be honest to him rather I would say blunt honest.Go and look in his eyes and tell him, this is the best you can do in present situation. If you don't tell him now and he finds it later by himself then it would be dreadful for him. I don't want to discuss the merit of your decision but this is the least you can do for him. bye
d'Arthez Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 NSN, I probably have missed part of the story, but you have gone from he is fantastic to this in less than 2 weeks time. Some words may seem harsh, but there must be more going on than this. I really doubt that your bf made a full blown personality change, and you have been in a relationship for quite some time with him. So you know he is less mature. But you have known all along, even though you would not admit to that at times. Is it because of Lozano? If so, how clear is your perspective on your relationship. Does not Lozano poison consciously or subconsciously your relationship? Or do you really prefer Lozano over your bf? Why not be honest about it then to your bf when you break up? How do you think he would feel if he would see you and Lozano kissing in a few weeks time? Only worse, and he would suspect that you had already lined him up, before you broke up. So if you have to break up with him, do it with ruthless honesty.
blind_otter Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez So if you have to break up with him, do it with ruthless honesty. I may get flamed here, but I disagree with this. After I broke with my exHusband, someone at a bar happened to tell him who I was hanging out with at the time. That was unnecessary. He didn't NEED to be hurt. That's why you don't share this information with your ex. There is no reason to hurt someone unnecessarily by telling them details, I did that once and to see the hurt expression cross the other person's face...it was ugly. Honesty is one thing, sharing unnecessary details ruthlessly is another. Saying "I don't have the same intensity of feeling, we got too close too fast, and I'm unsure about us as a longterm relationship" is much better than saying all the details about Lozano that her exBF does not need to know.
greenhorn Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Exactly d'Arthez, You have put the nail on the head. NSN pls do this ....
greenhorn Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 B_O,B_O,B_O You are missing something here, the guy is still not his EX BF. The day he becomes EXBF then no need to share any detail, let alone detail of something as hanging out with others. But it is better for that guy now and humane for NSN to tell him honestly that he is no more his bf rather than the poor guy seeing her hanging out with someone else and then if he comes and fights he would get to hear that he is psycho and stuff like that. The context is different my dear B_O
blind_otter Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Please don't condescend to me, <insert expletive here>. I am saying, break up with him, but god don't include the gorey details. If a guy breaks up with me, god, please don't tell me you are breaking up with me and you have someone else lined up. Lie to me, say the nice things that are meaningless, and don't ever talk to me again. I'd rather have THAT than the honest truth to make me feel like SH*T about myself for the next X number of months.
d'Arthez Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter After I broke with my exHusband, someone at a bar happened to tell him who I was hanging out with at the time. That was unnecessary. He didn't NEED to be hurt. That's why you don't share this information with your ex. There is no reason to hurt someone unnecessarily by telling them details, I did that once and to see the hurt expression cross the other person's face...it was ugly. But if your exHusband had to find out, he would have prefered to have been told by you, instead of some random man or woman. Unless you are certain that you would never run into the ex again, you don't have to tell. But I think it is highly likely that NSN and her ex will run into each other in the next few weeks, as neither of them will move 3000 miles. Look at his perspective: If Lozano (bastard because of the break up) and NSN are together then, you will be hurting him a lot more. He will think maybe: "I was just a toy to NSN, until Lozano showed up." Or: "NSN cheated on me with him, and therefore she broke up with me." Both are not nice thoughts to recover from, especially if they are not true, but NSN did not admit to her reason for the break up. As to never speaking again, I can see the point. But it's unlikely in the situation, where you feel you are left hanging completely that he (19 years old!) will just move on.
blind_otter Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Maybe I have a different point on view because of the numerous breakups I've been through....there was no reason for my ex to know about who I was with and why the f*ck is my private life any of his business? There is another thread up somewhere where other female posters agreed with me. It's none of my ex's business what the hell I do with my life or my p*ssy after we break up, from the moment we break up onward. I don't ask, I don't want to know, he shouldn't ask, he shouldn't want to know, we are no longer together, I owe him nothing. And no, you are wrong, when I talked to my exHusband about it he said "I would have prefered to NEVER HAVE KNOWN."
greenhorn Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Hey B_O nothing personal what I am saying is that NSN should go to him and say that " I don't love you any more so pls end this relationship" and after this NSN has no obligation to share any details of her life with the guy. If this is not done and the guy finds it out himself it will be more hurting for him. Thats what I meant but if NSN is leaving him for someone else (which she is not as she had mentioned some weeks back) then no harm in saying that she found out someone else who she loves now and so she is breaking up. If one can do it then one can say it too.. Honesty is not that difficult if one is honest.
EC Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 I agree with BO that she shouldn't give the gory details. I would rather not know. I would want to know deep inside but I would rather not know. I agree he is 19 though..he is very young and has a lot of life left and he will get over it. I think it will hurt him more to know and he would definitely hate NSN and yes since they are not moving 3000 miles away from eachother she will run into him again and so It would be worse to tell him the whole truth knowing you would have to run into him again. If he finds out later on, on his own then so be it.
d'Arthez Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter And no, you are wrong, when I talked to my exHusband about it he said "I would have prefered to NEVER HAVE KNOWN." Read carefully Blind Otter. I did not say that he would want to know. But if he would have to know, it would be from your mouth, without doubt; and not from a dude or girl in a bar. That is the situation NSN and her bf will be in, in all likelihood. Either she can tell them, or he will see them. And if you want to inflict psycho mode on a man, don't tell him. It improves the odds.
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