rapideye Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 My BF and I have been together about 7 months, and it's been going well. We've both been married before, and both have trust issues from our past relationships and are working through those together. I dated quite a bit after my divorce (more than he did). My BF has a hard time with me having this type of past, mainly because these guys are still somewhat connected to the social network of which we're both part, and so there's a chance of running into them (though it hasn't happened yet, because I've avoided situations when I know one of them will be there). Recently, one guy I dated last year (for a couple of months, and who was a jerk) has resurfaced after being out of circulation in our social network for a year. He tried to Friend me again on FB (I ignored it), and then expressed interest in attending an event after I expressed interest in attending it (after which, I changed my RSVP to "no"), and then "liked" one of my comments about it (which my BF can clearly see online). I really just want this guy to go away, want to make it clear that his communications are not wanted and also that I'm seriously involved with someone, and not interested. Like I said, he was a jerk, and I would want nothing to do with him, even if my BF was not in the picture. My BF thinks that the guy probably recently became single again, and is now "back in circulation" and going through his list of past lady friends in an effort to find a new GF/hookup. He's probably right, and I want to make it crystal clear to this guy that I want nothing to do with him in any way (which I've made clear to my BF multiple times already, but it's not helping him to feel better about the situation). Since his attention towards me has been less direct (i.e., he hasn't written to me, has only done the things I mentioned above), would I be out of line to write him a message saying something like, "The time when we were together was not a happy time in my life, and I don't want us to communicate at all. I'm also happily in a relationship now, and that's where my interest lies." Basically, I want to convey that I don't want to be in touch with him, and it's not just because I'm with someone else, it's also because I don't like him. Any advice is welcome! Thank you!
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Have you thought of actually blocking him on FB? If you guys have Trust issues, are you working through those with a professional and qualified counsellor....? 2
MrMeh Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Simply block him. You shouldn't be giving this any attention. 3
Author rapideye Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks, both. Yes, I could block him on FB. But I'm also in the situation where if I don't say something directly to him, I'm just going to have to keep avoiding him (which may be hard because of our mutual social network, where I have more friends than he does, so I don't want to drop out of it). He is also a pretty pushy person, so I'm also afraid that if I fail to be direct, he will take that as invitation to keep reaching out. To answer the question of are we working on our trust issues in counseling....we each see our own therapists. We are not in joint counseling - I don't know that we're at that stage of the relationship yet, but we have discussed doing it in the future if things get more serious.
stillafool Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I think your blocking him on FB sends a VERY clear message. If you see him after you block and he says something, then tell him what you wrote in the other post. I don't think it's a good idea to communicate with him at this point, just block. Do not open a line of communication.
Gaeta Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 to write him a message saying something like, "The time when we were together was not a happy time in my life, and I don't want us to communicate at all. I'm also happily in a relationship now, and that's where my interest lies." I would write to him but not this. You are explaining yourself and you do NOT have to do that. Just tell him, I do not wish to be in contact with you in any shape or form, I expect you to respect my wish. Send and block. Blocking someone on facebook is not going to keep him from approaching you in public, this message will. 3
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks, both. Yes, I could block him on FB. Then do so. Quit with the excuses. But I'm also in the situation where if I don't say something directly to him, I'm just going to have to keep avoiding him Blocking him says all you need to say. (which may be hard because of our mutual social network, where I have more friends than he does, so I don't want to drop out of it). You don't have to. Don't let your inability to do what's right further control you. Block him, avoid him, turn your back, ignore, deflect, deny. Sorted. He is also a pretty pushy person, so I'm also afraid that if I fail to be direct, he will take that as invitation to keep reaching out. Pushy people only succeed if you demonstrate yourself to be a push-over. Tell me, who do you dedicate your emotions to, your current partner, or this goddamn loser? Because all the time you 'entertain' his presence, you disrespect your partner. To answer the question of are we working on our trust issues in counseling....we each see our own therapists. We are not in joint counseling - I don't know that we're at that stage of the relationship yet, but we have discussed doing it in the future if things get more serious. If you're in a relationship it should be a joint venture - because you're both working on trusting each other. Using the 'if things get more serious' excuse is stonewalling. I was fortunate to work in a counselling environment, and we FREQUENTLY had couples who had been together a matter of WEEKS coming in to discuss issues they felt might sabotage their relationship. Together. 1
Author rapideye Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 I do appreciate your feedback, but I also invite you to consider that there are elements of the situation of which you are not aware. There is no disrespect occurring (since I've been openly discussing this with my BF and collaborating with him on ideas) and definitely no stonewalling. Thank you, and no hard feelings. Then do so. Quit with the excuses. Blocking him says all you need to say. You don't have to. Don't let your inability to do what's right further control you. Block him, avoid him, turn your back, ignore, deflect, deny. Sorted. Pushy people only succeed if you demonstrate yourself to be a push-over. Tell me, who do you dedicate your emotions to, your current partner, or this goddamn loser? Because all the time you 'entertain' his presence, you disrespect your partner. If you're in a relationship it should be a joint venture - because you're both working on trusting each other. Using the 'if things get more serious' excuse is stonewalling. I was fortunate to work in a counselling environment, and we FREQUENTLY had couples who had been together a matter of WEEKS coming in to discuss issues they felt might sabotage their relationship. Together.
Author rapideye Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Appreciate the feedback, all! I do think a combination of quick message (not explaining myself) and a block on FB may work well. Does anyone know - if you block someone on FB, do they get a notification? I only just recently learned that when you ignore someone's Friend request, it simply says "pending" from their perspective.
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) No, they don't realise it, until it dawns on them that thy can't see your feeds.... but they don't get notified.... AFAIK. I know FB works slightly differently in the UK to the USA, if that's where you are.... EDIT: Just checked on the 'help' button on FB: The response was 'No, people are not notified that you've blocked them'. Edited January 29, 2015 by evanescentworld 1
preraph Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I don't understand why you didn't just block him where he can't leave messages or see your Facebook. Do that.
Author rapideye Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 I don't understand why you didn't just block him where he can't leave messages or see your Facebook. Do that. I'm new to the concept of blocking, so it didn't occur to me that was an option. He cannot see my feed at all, that's private; all he can see is that I am there. Our social network is on a web-based platform other than FB. This latter online platform (where I have lots of friends, and he has few) is something I don't want to drop out of. I also don't want to spend my time running from this person. He was a pushy jerk during the time that we knew each other, and I want to make it clear that I'm not the same weak person who is simply going to hide, and scuttle off into the corner where I can't be seen. The way in which I handle this situation has significance not only to my current relationship, but also in how I view myself, and my journey towards a healthier self-esteem. But I will take the earlier poster's advice about sending a brief message and then blocking. Thank you.
stillafool Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I'm new to the concept of blocking, so it didn't occur to me that was an option. He cannot see my feed at all, that's private; all he can see is that I am there. Our social network is on a web-based platform other than FB. This latter online platform (where I have lots of friends, and he has few) is something I don't want to drop out of. I also don't want to spend my time running from this person. He was a pushy jerk during the time that we knew each other, and I want to make it clear that I'm not the same weak person who is simply going to hide, and scuttle off into the corner where I can't be seen. The way in which I handle this situation has significance not only to my current relationship, but also in how I view myself, and my journey towards a healthier self-esteem. But I will take the earlier poster's advice about sending a brief message and then blocking. Thank you. How does your bf think you should handle this situation? Have you discussed this with him?
Diezel Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 How does your bf think you should handle this situation? Have you discussed this with him? Seriously, why is this not the most obvious route. If OP feels the strongly about getting said person to stop, she should be involving her boyfriend in the decision.
Omei Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 (which I've made clear to my BF multiple times already, but it's not helping him to feel better about the situation). I can see why your boyfriend isn't feeling any better about the situation you keep saying you don't like the guy but you're dragging it out with excuses as to why you haven't yet blocked him. Why do you need to even speak to him other than get further action towards you on his behalf? Is he blocked now? If not id say you're enjoying the attention even if he was a jerk and yes that's disrespectful to your partner.
stillafool Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Seriously, why is this not the most obvious route. If OP feels the strongly about getting said person to stop, she should be involving her boyfriend in the decision. Absolutely! OP if you haven't discussed this with your bf please do and decide how you are going to handle this guy together. I'm sure your bf would respect you for seeking his advice and also this will let him know that you are 100% up front with him any contact with ex.
Author rapideye Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Of course we discussed it and I solicited his opinion. He didn't want to tell me what to do. he wanted it to be something I decided ultimately. I followed the advice of sending him a quick message saying that I don't want contact with him in any way, and that I expect my wishes to be respected. He wrote back almost right away saying, he didn't think he had contacted me but it was good to hear from me. Then I blocked him.
losangelena Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Have your new BF tell your old one to GTFO. Just kidding ... kind of ...
Author rapideye Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 I can see why your boyfriend isn't feeling any better about the situation you keep saying you don't like the guy but you're dragging it out with excuses as to why you haven't yet blocked him. Why do you need to even speak to him other than get further action towards you on his behalf? Is he blocked now? If not id say you're enjoying the attention even if he was a jerk and yes that's disrespectful to your partner. I do not enjoy the attention. I have been having a mini panic attack over the thought of confronting this jerk.
Omei Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) I do not enjoy the attention. I have been having a mini panic attack over the thought of confronting this jerk. The fact that you felt the need to confront him tells me you dragged it out and enjoyed the attention and you're interested in hearing and receiving his response you don't need to confront an ex and im saying this is the very reason why you're boyfriend is having troubles he likely doesn't understand why you were not able to just rid of him as well. You're having a panic attack? really? come now you're making it into something it doesn't need to be. Click block over get back to your life with your boyfriend. Had you blocked him at first sign there would of been no need for this thread at all. Edited January 29, 2015 by Omei 2
stillafool Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I do not enjoy the attention. I have been having a mini panic attack over the thought of confronting this jerk. Why? Do you still have feelings for him?
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I'm seeing this more and more frequently on LS... people having anxiety/panic attacks... WTF is it with people, that they lower their boundaries to such an extent that they leave their emotions bare and vulnerable to this extent?? Jeesh, people, I'm sorry, but get a grip! Quit abdicating your core essentials to other people, this is ridiculous! I have actually witnessed a true, full-force panic attack and it's really scary. You think the person in front of you is dying.... I suspect (although of course, I can't be sure) that people are bandying this term around as a justification for a rise in emotion.... Until you've actually witnessed an honest-to-goodness truly terrifying 'panic attack'.... hell's bells.... you have no idea... 1
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