Accisej93 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Hello, Recently my partner and his mother have reconnected after a messy event in which we were threatened, moved out to my parents house and they didn't talk. Since the reconnection between the two, we have had to move in to her house. We get along well, however there is a constant third person in our relationship, and it is indeed his mother, and it is starting to take its toll on me. I constantly feel as though I take a back seat. I understand the need to feel close to her son again, however we are always taking time out of our day and plans to do her running around, her shopping, taking her to appointments when she is now well enough to do it herself. I have no problem spending time with her, but I also want couple time, and I've had to obtain that by making a "couple day" in which I had to make up the lie i want to have a competition to see who could come up with the best date on the cheap.. In reality, I just want us time. Any advice? Kind regards x
beach Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Yes, move out and support yourselves. If you're old enough to live with a person you're dating - you should earn enough money between the two of you to pay your own way. If you stay - it's her place and she can do as she pleases - including meddling in your life and your time together. How much do you two earn? 1
Author Accisej93 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Beach, Thank you for your reply. Deep down i knew that was the answer, but im hoping for another. We have some pretty big bills to pay then we will be moving out, I'm in between jobs at the moment, frantically looking for another, and he makes roughly $1200 a fortnight,
beach Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) So you don't currently earn money and have someone paying your way right now - while having big bills to pay - and you're complaining that this lady allows you to live there for free? I suggest working two jobs - 50-60 hours a week. That way you earn more money and you don't have to beat home much. Pay her rent too, if you intend to stay there - pay her every week. Edited January 29, 2015 by beach
Author Accisej93 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Oh, we don't stay here for free. We pay 3/4 of the fortnightly rent, contribute to food, electricity and gas, as well as internet, do the running around, pitch in to help with milk/bread/extra groceries during the week. I clean every day, several loads of washing, cook dinner, help with whatever else needs done which I have plenty of time to do being between jobs, and I dont mind doing to begin with. All I'm looking for is a way to cope with having this third person in our relationship, not on anything else.
eye of the storm Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 All I'm looking for is a way to cope with having this third person in our relationship, not on anything else. To be honest, I don't think there is one. My FIL's MIL moved in with him and his wife (her mom) because her husband had died and they didn't want her living alone...well, it almost caused a divorce after about 7 months. There was a third person in their marriage. It does cause stress. They fixed it by buying her a condo in a senior community. There really is only one surefire way of dealing with this. Move out. Get your own place. Think about it, you are paying 3/4 of the rent plus food, electricity, and gas for extra people. I have a feeling if you and your BF started looking at much smaller apartments you might even be saving money by moving out. You need to find a job. Spend less time cleaning and more time job hunting. I might be in the minority but if my son and his GF were living with me and she didn't work...I would have an attitude about it. And I wouldn't care if she scrubbed my house top to bottom every day.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Sorry, I really don't think there's any way of coping with having this third person in your relationship.... well, there's no way to avoid that she's there, but it sounds like by setting aside one 'couple day' you're at least carving out some 'us' time between you and your partner, which is best for the health of your relationship. However, at the end of the day she's being gracious by allowing you to stay with her, if you can afford 3/4 of their rent, plus financial contribution to the bills, groceries etc. I'm confused as to why you guys can't afford to get your own place, even if it's a room in a shared house together? Until you move out and support yourselves independently, you really can't complain about the impact of her on your relationship. The choice of words struck me 'we had to move in with her', there is no 'had to' because so many other people and couples who don't have the option of staying with Mom or Dad manage to cope, doing whatever it takes to ensure a roof over their heads. You chose to, and she allowed you to. I'm really not trying to give you a lecture on doing what's best for you financially right now, but I wonder if your perspective of 'we had no choice' comes across to her in some way, maybe she feels put upon or frustrated because she's sharing her space, or worried that you two aren't able to function independently at whatever age you're at? Why not try writing her a card (from just you, not the two of you) thanking her for letting you stay and telling her you know how lucky you are to have had this opportunity. Your partner is her son, some people are okay with their kids using their home as a crash pad from time to time, but to accept their partner too takes some generosity and trust. I think it might strengthen the bond between you, but ultimately I think if running her to appointments and helping her out (especially if she's been unwell recently) is what she wants from you as her houseguest, suck it up and get on with it and make sure your stay is as short as it can be!
preraph Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Yep, time for both of you to work two jobs and save money to move out. Life isn't easy these days, trying to make ends meet. Better get on top of it now while you're young and have the energy for it.
Tiger Lily Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I agree that moving out will probably be the best solution. But honestly, even if you don't live together, MILs can still be a "third person" in the relationship. So, it's not a complete solution if your significant other continues to be enmeshed with this mom. Personally, I think you sound very mature in that you're trying to come up with solutions, aren't creating drama, and seem very helpful towards your MIL. To me, the best solutions involve open communication. I think sitting down with your BF and explaining yourself and coming up with better boundaries together is the healthiest option. After, I think you could explain any "distance" to your MIL in positive, honest terms. Most reasonable people would understand where you're coming from. Have you been hesitant to talk with your BF about this? "Making up a lie" just to spend time together doesn't sound that healthy, imo.
beach Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Why are you referring to her as your mother in law when you just started dating him? 1
Broom Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Nothing will dramatically change until you move out. And who knows how it would feel for your partner if you brought up the issue. Some people fiercely protect their mothers.
Recommended Posts