No Limit Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 FWB can turn into a minefield pretty quick. Even though I'm female and would LOVE having a guy just for the fun I wouldn't want him to get attached either. Seems like there's a high chance at least 1 person will get hurt, and I'm not sure if physical pleasures are worth ruining someone's day.
stillafool Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Would it make him a dick if he KNEW I was a virgin? No guy has ever showed interest in me before him (I was 20). He was my first everything. First guy I really hugged, kissed, had sex with, slept with in bed. I feel like he shouldve known I was very vulerable because I did nothing before, and he knew that. I told him I would never just give my virginity to just anyone. That person had to be special to me. IMO it didn't matter that you were a virgin if he already told you all he wanted was a FWB relationship. It was up to you to protect your virginity and not get involved in this type of relationship if that is not what you wanted. You had the choice to wait for a someone who wanted an exclusive relationship with you before you gave him your virginity but you didn't. It isn't fair to call someone an a******* when they have been honest with you. He could call you one for changing your mind. 2
central Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 You can't generalize from your own experience. It's one example that either confirms or denies your perspective. I have had FWB arrangements that worked without any problems or attachments forming beyond friendship. The first lasted 5 years, and we're still friends. The current has lasted over 3 years, and we're still friends and not getting attached. We talk about such things so we know where we stand, and are well able to deal with feelings maturely should any ever arise. 1
central Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I will also point out that while FWB often work, relationships often fail! Why is one worse than the other? At least you know going into FWB that it's not expected to become something else. 2
Itspointless Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) You are just so fabulous! :) I feel totally the same! I'd never do casual sex because well if I don't like you, please don't touch me.... Lol Well I do not know if that makes me fabulous, I do like the compliment though When talking I used to casually touch people, but not in a sexual manner, if you understand what I mean. But I learned that many people and particularly females find it uncomfortable as it makes them feel hit upon. So I have learned through the years to not do that any-more if I do not know someone well. In a relation I really like to cuddle And yes, strange people touching you indeed has something creepy over it. Edited January 30, 2015 by Itspointless 1
Zahara Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Would it make him a dick if he KNEW I was a virgin? No guy has ever showed interest in me before him (I was 20). He was my first everything. First guy I really hugged, kissed, had sex with, slept with in bed. I feel like he shouldve known I was very vulerable because I did nothing before, and he knew that. I told him I would never just give my virginity to just anyone. That person had to be special to me. It doesn't make him a dick. You knew what the terms were and if your virginity was important to you, it was your responsibility to protect it. 7
somedude81 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Would it make him a dick if he KNEW I was a virgin? No guy has ever showed interest in me before him (I was 20). He was my first everything. First guy I really hugged, kissed, had sex with, slept with in bed. I feel like he shouldve known I was very vulerable because I did nothing before, and he knew that. I told him I would never just give my virginity to just anyone. That person had to be special to me. How hard was it to ask him if you were in a relationship? Not once did it occur to you to talk to him about it? If you told him that you wouldn't give your virginity to just anyone, then you should have told him that you'd only give it to a boyfriend that you love. 2
Itspointless Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 It wouldn't have hurted him either asking her if she wanted to loose her virginity to a friend with benefits. 3
somedude81 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 It wouldn't have hurted him either asking her if she wanted to loose her virginity to a friend with benefits. You can't expect other people to do the right thing. The only person who is responsible for her peace of mind was herself. Yes a decent guy would clarify that he is in a relationship or not before sex but not all guys do that. 2
stillafool Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 It wouldn't have hurted him either asking her if she wanted to loose her virginity to a friend with benefits. It isn't his job to protect her virginity. It's hers. 2
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Because sex is such an intimate thing and because it stirs up emotions then a FWB relationship is always going to be difficult for normal caring people as they are going to get attached, they will not be able to help themselves. Anyone with codependency issues or anyone who has suffered any sort of emotional starvation, will latch onto their FWB and use them for support and they will also get attached. Those who can compartmentalise their life and their feelings or are protecting their feelings may be able to stay well clear of attachment, and of course those at the psychopathic/narcissistic end of the spectrum do not really get other people's feelings anyway, and have little capacity for true attachment, so a FWB is a dream arrangement. I believe it is possible to have a successful FWBs arrangement, but the majority are not true FWB situations where both parties are not involved romantically/emotionally and it is purely a sex thing. One partner is often holding out dreams of a real relationship, whether that is communicated or not, one partner may be unaware the relationship is a FWB one, or one or both partners are suffering rebound and although sex is convenient, they cling to each other for support too, under the label of FWB. 2
Itspointless Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 You can't expect other people to do the right thing. The only person who is responsible for her peace of mind was herself. Yes a decent guy would clarify that he is in a relationship or not before sex but not all guys do that. You are right, I can't. And yes I would find that decent to do. It isn't his job to protect her virginity. It's hers. It isn't his job. At the same time I just can't see people there for my convenience. It may be my upbringing (not religious), I learnt to always care about feelings of others and be careful not to hurt them. I just can't imagine not asking people for their consent if certain things are not clear. 1
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 This is interesting about attachment and why feigned attachment can be a game in FWB arrangements. FWB and the Narcissist - Narcissists are control freaks and want what they cannot have (for 5 minutes) and often THEY will become the presenting party FAKING that they are in fact the one who wants more. I know, this is where it gets complicated. You were on board with FWB, until THEY pretended to want more. The short answer is that they do this because they just want to SEE, IF, you will take the bait and then when you do, they go back to playing the FWB card again. Get's real confusing and screwy and by the time you are a heap on the floor, you don't know what he wants. Please trust me when I tell you, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, he really does still want FWB, all the rest is designed to confuse you and mess you up so that you will remain at his beck and call and in some cases this insane barrage of confusion WORKS, as it keeps you off your guard, confused, and of course, coming back for more. That syndrome/dynamic is a entire topic and blog on it's own. Random Conditioning is the short answer. Keep them confused and coming back for more. "Friends With Benefits" crumbs from a Narcissist | Lisa E. Scott 1
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Well I do not know if that makes me fabulous, I do like the compliment though When talking I used to casually touch people, but not in a sexual manner, if you understand what I mean. But I learned that many people and particularly females find it uncomfortable as it makes them feel hit upon. So I have learned through the years to not do that any-more if I do not know someone well. In a relation I really like to cuddle And yes, strange people touching you indeed has something creepy over it. I don't mind the casual touch while in conversation but I'm definitely not like a huggy type of person with guys I'm not into!! My one guy friend who's into me always asks for a hug and I'm like uuggghhhh no hugs!!! Lol but while in a relationship and I like the guy, he can touch me all he wants I wouldnt mind at all and we'd cuddle!! 2
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 How hard was it to ask him if you were in a relationship? Not once did it occur to you to talk to him about it? If you told him that you wouldn't give your virginity to just anyone, then you should have told him that you'd only give it to a boyfriend that you love. I was afraid of what his answer would be I liked to be wanted, so I guess I created a fantasy in my head 1
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 You can't expect other people to do the right thing. The only person who is responsible for her peace of mind was herself. Yes a decent guy would clarify that he is in a relationship or not before sex but not all guys do that. I have told him severals times that I wanted a label for what we were doing. He then always got super mad at me, and told me we should stop. I yelled at him one time bc I said he was using me. Again, he got mad. So it was quite clear about my feelings. I even wrote him a birthday card telling him how special he was to me. After he said "no more sex" a few times bc I brought the situation up, I would ask to continue. I'd be like "I miss youuu I want to still have sex" he'd be like "okay we will see ;)" ughhhhhh I was such a whore!!!
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Because sex is such an intimate thing and because it stirs up emotions then a FWB relationship is always going to be difficult for normal caring people as they are going to get attached, they will not be able to help themselves. Anyone with codependency issues or anyone who has suffered any sort of emotional starvation, will latch onto their FWB and use them for support and they will also get attached. Those who can compartmentalise their life and their feelings or are protecting their feelings may be able to stay well clear of attachment, and of course those at the psychopathic/narcissistic end of the spectrum do not really get other people's feelings anyway, and have little capacity for true attachment, so a FWB is a dream arrangement. I believe it is possible to have a successful FWBs arrangement, but the majority are not true FWB situations where both parties are not involved romantically/emotionally and it is purely a sex thing. One partner is often holding out dreams of a real relationship, whether that is communicated or not, one partner may be unaware the relationship is a FWB one, or one or both partners are suffering rebound and although sex is convenient, they cling to each other for support too, under the label of FWB. A month before meeting me, he just got out of a 4 year relationship. He was flirty with me, and I didn't know any better. I thought a guy wanting sex with you meant he liked you we were talking for 9 months every day before we finally had sex. He told me on my 21st birthday (last January) that I meant so much to him and I was the best thing that happened. He also said he wanted to punch this guy at the bar bc he kept touching me. Before us going to bed, he squeezed me and said "my girl". He was drunk the entire time doing this. He also said I was the best thing while we were making out and he was drunk. Were those true thoughts??
veggirl Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I was afraid of what his answer would be I liked to be wanted, so I guess I created a fantasy in my head This is going to continue happening to you as long as your self esteem is low like this. Guys will use you for sex because you'll give it up hoping it turns into something else. You need to not have sex outside of an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. 1
Woggle Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I have no moral objections to FWB but it is not for everybody and if you are the type to get easily attached it might be best to stay away from them. 3
Author myheartaches Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 This is going to continue happening to you as long as your self esteem is low like this. Guys will use you for sex because you'll give it up hoping it turns into something else. You need to not have sex outside of an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I will never have sex outside of a relationship! I made that a promise to myself. He is in my brain 24/7. Not a day goes by without his ghost. It's been a long 5 months I will never let this happen again
Itspointless Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I have no moral objections to FWB but it is not for everybody and if you are the type to get easily attached it might be best to stay away from them. Well, I am not morally against FWB. It just never felt like something I desired myself (yet). I know enough people (men and women) who date for sex, well if that is the goal of both people as it often is, than why not. I do think though that it is important to communicate well. Clearly the guy myheartaches was friends with did not communicate in a clear way to her. I am of the opinion that he should have been clearer to her as that would have been the moral thing to do. I have told him severals times that I wanted a label for what we were doing. He then always got super mad at me, and told me we should stop. I yelled at him one time bc I said he was using me. Again, he got mad. So it was quite clear about my feelings. I even wrote him a birthday card telling him how special he was to me. After he said "no more sex" a few times bc I brought the situation up, I would ask to continue. I'd be like "I miss youuu I want to still have sex" he'd be like "okay we will see ;)" ughhhhhh I was such a whore!!! No you weren't, you were attached (that is chemical). He should have stopped if I read the above sentences. 1
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 A month before meeting me, he just got out of a 4 year relationship. He was flirty with me, and I didn't know any better. I thought a guy wanting sex with you meant he liked you we were talking for 9 months every day before we finally had sex. He told me on my 21st birthday (last January) that I meant so much to him and I was the best thing that happened. He also said he wanted to punch this guy at the bar bc he kept touching me. Before us going to bed, he squeezed me and said "my girl". He was drunk the entire time doing this. He also said I was the best thing while we were making out and he was drunk. Were those true thoughts?? I am sorry but if he had just got out of a 4 year relationship, you were most likely a rebound. He wasn't up for a relationship but needed, the sex so kept you dangling. He perhaps also just needed to get drunk in order to sleep with you, to get the thoughts of his ex out of his mind... Most single men tend to NEED sex, just about anyone will do. DO NOT confuse sex and love. Most men whatever their relationship with you; hook up, FWB, casual, gf, wife, hate the thought of any other man having sex with you. It is not about love it is about possession. Do not confuse him wanting to hit the bar guy for touching you, with caring for you, he was merely warning him off his property. 5
somedude81 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I have told him severals times that I wanted a label for what we were doing. He then always got super mad at me, and told me we should stop. I yelled at him one time bc I said he was using me. Again, he got mad. So it was quite clear about my feelings. I even wrote him a birthday card telling him how special he was to me. After he said "no more sex" a few times bc I brought the situation up, I would ask to continue. I'd be like "I miss youuu I want to still have sex" he'd be like "okay we will see ;)" ughhhhhh I was such a whore!!! He got mad at you when you told him you waned a label for what you were doing?! Yeah that's obviously not good. You also can't say that he mislead you. You are definitely not a whore. You were just in love and not thinking clearly. It happens to all of us. All you can do is try to not make the same mistakes again. 1
Holmes85 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 MEN: do you honestly think FWB can work? No it cannot, the reason behind it is that the relationship is built on a very shaky foundation. Moreover you are degrading yourself by doing such an act & damaging your own selfesteem in the long run. 1
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 No it cannot, the reason behind it is that the relationship is built on a very shaky foundation. Moreover you are degrading yourself by doing such an act & damaging your own selfesteem in the long run. Not if you truly love each other, and that both of you love so much that you have no need, no expectation to be loved back... just sincere gratitude for whatever few moments you're given, always knowing that this time could be the last. I'll give you this, that's pretty rare. 1
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