louisabjork Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 My boyfriend and I started dating in 2009. I broke up with him in 2011 for various reasons, mostly immaturely and soul seraching, and got back together a couple months ago after a tumultuous two year period where after I had broken up with him, he chased me, then I wanted to reconcile, then he didn't want to and it took him forever to come around. The reconciling would have been maybe sooner if there hadn't been other people involved, but there were. ANYWAY, cut to now, other people are not an issue. We are both in demanding medical programs about 2 hours away from each other. We've been spending almost every weekend together and usually have one fight - small or big - per weekend. He has a bit of an anger issue that turns otherwise harmless or small fights into big ones, and I can be a pill too. BUT, we do love each other, and dare I say like each other when we get along. It's been volatile, and it's been a long time since it's gone swimmingly. I believe in some cases he is my soulmate, but other times it dumbfounds me how unintuitive and insensitive he can be. Now, after a weekend together, he said he needed a two-week no communication break. He has a pattern of withdrawing or breaking up with me when the going gets rough, but he has come back in the past. I was somewhat taken aback by it and asked him if he was actually going to break up with me, or if he was trying to do so. He said no. I asked him if he loves me and wants it to work. He said yes. He said his reasons were that the relationship was becoming overwhelming and stressful on the backdrop of school, he had a lot to think about including how he behaves, etc. etc. THe past couple months have been an adjustment period (as all of life usually is) in that we both started our respective schools, and decided to get back together. I think I laid down the woman teaching her man lessons about respect and relationship stuff perhaps a little too strong. (these aren't trying to change him lessons, but rather things like, hey, when im emotional because im pmsing, trying taking the thigns i say with a grain of salt and fight more fairly, use "i feel" statements instead of accusations, etc.) I will respect his space. I called him a couple more times the day of (this was Sunday, and today is Wednesday) and asked for reassurance, which he gave, but aggressively and rudely. I am pretty worried that this will be a pattern, or at worst, that this will be a break-up. I have a bit of a trust issue with him regarding that because he's done similar things before. For the record, we both know making and breaking up all the time is NOT normal, and I am ready for an adult, stable relationship, but we both agree that we need to work on things. I believe I've been doing the bulk of the work, and I don't think I get enough credit. For example, giving him time and space with his friends (I mean, we live far apart already, I'm talking about giving up weekend time so he can do his own thing), being a little more easy going and not calling him out on everything he does that's wrong. I am not perfect and make mistakes, but I always calm down, always apologize, and I do love him very much and want a future AND present with him. Anyway, he DID reassure me. Do I trust it? I heard that breaks can be a gem if you use them correctly. I intend on doing my part and giving him space and thinking about ways to move forward constructively without punishing him for this space, however, a big part of me (and my friends agree) thinks this is some immature bull****, that we should be able to talk this kind of stuff out without a two week break. For the record, even through the fights of the past couple weekends, good "work" was done on the relationship. I feel like he COULD, if he wanted to, be more aware of himself. What do you think? A little background: he was in the military and we lived together in Europe. I stuck with him through two deployments, and we enjoyed our life together on his turf. We've known each other and have been friends since high school. I love him very much but he does have anger problems and sometimes is very unintuitive with women. He's somewhat hyper masculine. The truth is I've put more work into than he has, and I'm a bit sick of him withdrawing with the aggression and rudeness. But this is who he is, and that part I need to accept (the rudeness that comes out when he feels pressured or stressed.) I will be devastated if this is actually a break up, because I think as a couple we could really be a great, life-long love story if we work our fights out and learn to compromise better in the moment. But, I can't be doing all of the work. Is this his way of "doing the work?" By taking two weeks?
Downtown Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 We both know making and breaking up all the time is NOT normal, and I am ready for an adult, stable relationship.Louisa, welcome to the LoveShack forum. One possibility is that your BF is exhibiting personality disorder traits at a moderate to strong level, i.e., he might be on the upper end of a PD spectrum. Not having met him, I cannot know the answer to that question. I mention it only because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., his volatility, rapid flips between strong empathy and zero empathy, having "an anger issue" that turns small issues into large issues, weekly temper tantrums, and the frequent cycle between push-you-away and pull-you-back -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Yet, if he really does exhibit a pattern of moderate to strong BPD traits, you should be seeing more traits than you mention here. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Louisa.
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