BrotherAaron Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 I've been doing alright lately, thanks to some help from my friends at LoveShack... but, apparently, not as well as I thought I still miss her. I saw her today, in the cafeteria. I'm surprised, actually, that I never saw her sooner even. We live so close, it's not a huge college campus anyway. At first, I acted like I didn't know her, and walked on by. Next time I walked by, I waved, and she waved back, flashing a real sweet smile... one of her best features. I could write for hours about her best features. Well, a few hours later, I got a text message from her asking when she should "come by to take get the cell phone bill and my necklace". Well, I don't know what to think about it. Does she actually care about this bill and this necklace (hemp, probably $5-$10, not silver or anythng) or does she just want to see me? If she just wants to see me... then why? Last week, during our spring break, when we were at home (and away from the guy she left me for) I agreed to go get breakfast with her. She broke down and told me she misses me, and doesn't like not being together. She said she had been remembering all of the fun we had together. She didn't ask me to take her back, though, and she's still seeing this other guy, so I would have said no anyway. She also told me that day that she slept with him - something she said many times she wasn't going to do. That hurt me, alot. She was my first (and my only) and I was the same for her, and it meant a lot to us both. I haven't seen her with him since we've been back from break. I had opened up to her friend about how much it hurt me to see them together, and I think her friend told my ex, because when she was saying she missed me over spring break, she also said that she hated me having to see her with this guy, and that it wasn't fair to me, and that she didn't feel good about it. I know she still goes to his room, though. I don't know why she's with him. She refuses to say that they're dating, but he's always talking to people about how long he should wait to "make it official". She won't, for whatever reason. She said she needed to be single when we broke up, and she might be clinging to that - but, clearly, she isn't single. She can't go date other guys. I'm surprised she isn't feeling smothered, being in that situation. I just can't tell what she wants from me. She seems to miss me, and she also seems unhappy with him. She wont "date" him, but she still hangs out with him daily, and sends him text messages, and sees him at night. She's very defensive of him, and I guess I'd even say she seems to care about him, even if it sucks for me to admit that. I feel very betrayed, because nobody I have ever called a friend has done something worse to me... and I always thought she was behind me in anything, but she's not. She's supporting him, and hurting me in that way as well. When we talked during spring break, she seemed to stop just short of asking me to take her back. She sent me a text message the next day saying that she believed that it was part of God's plans that we'd ultimately end up together. She may be still with the other guy because she slept with him, and feels obligated... that's just a guess on my part though. In any case, why would she talk about us getting back together, but continue to see this guy? If she truly wanted me back, wouldn't she get rid of him? Does she not end things with him because she's afraid of taking that risk, and worries that I won't take her back, and she'll have nobody? I miss her to death sometimes... but could I really take her back? Does she even want that? I love this girl, unconditionally, and it hurts me to think about the way we've ended up... every day I feel differently. Sometimes I'm angry, and think I'd never consider taking her back. Other times, I can't think about anything except the spark I feel when we make eye contact... even if that's all we have left. What I feel right now isn't depression, and it isn't anger... it's love, and longing. In a way, it's a wonderful feeling... being this much in love. Why am I feeling this way all of a sudden? I can't be falling back in love with her. Nothing has changed, and she isn't coming back. I'm ok with us not getting back together, even if it means never... but I still love her, and wish we could have what we lost. "Love is a waste of time, so lets run away and waste the rest of our lives together"
upsetnhurt Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 aaron, May I ask what it is that you love about this girl? You seem like a good guy and I am sure treated her well during your relationship.........so as far as I can see the way she reciprocated her love for you was to dump you and find another guy to so-call date and sleep with. Is that what you really want in a person? Don't you deserve better? I get the sense that you are not feeling love as you say and are simply pining away for a romanticised connection that you believed you had with this person. Relationships that are successful take both people to give the extra effort. If she really wanted to go that route she would have told you and more importantly acted upon it. Don't sit there and think "what does she want or what is she thinking" as I promise you that you are the only one doing the thinking. She is certainly not and is probably sleeping with the other guy all while you are going through this pain.......why she had to talk about him though annoys me too. She obviously knows how you feel yet still rubs it in and tells you that she slept with him......that is definitely not someone who is willing to stand behind me at all costs! Do yourself a favor and get healthy first. Learn to live life without her, establish NC and realize there might be better for you out there. When you have successfully done that, then reconsider your feelings and see where hers are. Good luck. Sorry I was so blunt yet I seem to be able to be objective with others' stories yet fall into the same trap as yourself on my own.
prayformydownfall Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 exactly the same as my story my friend.... still i too went mental, analysed it too much and felt like i was falling apart. get back on ur feet, get out there and c whats good bout u, get confidence and love YOUR life.... 5 months after my break i have found life hard, yet i have found someone who i appreciate more due to my heartache before.... my confidence came back in force just before i met this girl and im sure it was that fact that brought her into my life... sounds like a soppy love story but i do feel only time will show this gfirl is 10x the ex and now shes heard some whispers that im happy, out every nite, dancing, smiling and back to the lad she fell in love with she insists on dropping me an odd email with no point.... and i refuse to reply and i am getting on with my new life, i refuse to let the old chapter ruin the new one, yet ill take my new chapter and use it to experience a better relationship this time.... keep smiling! PFMD
Author BrotherAaron Posted April 1, 2005 Author Posted April 1, 2005 upsetnhurt... Not to argue, but I do love her. Sure, I miss the connection we shared... and it was real, as real as anything I've ever known... but there's more to it than that. I cannot help the fact that I love her. Even when she knows she's hurting me, and does nothing to change that, I still love her, and I'm proud of it. I don't think it's fair to give yourself in to anger, bitterness, and hatred. No, I will continue to love her as I let her go. Someday at least I can look back her with thoughts of tenderness and not memories of bitterness. That's better for me. I know she isn't happy. I can see when she isn't proud of what she's doing. I know she will have a lot of guilt for sleeping with him - and most of it will have nothing to do with me. I know she's hurting too. But hurt is a part of life, and when a relationship shatters, it does so intensely in a way that cannot be undone. We're over, and I'm moving on and letting her go - but I still love her, and it hurts me that she's hurting - even if she did it to herself, and hurt me at the same time. I'm not going to be here for her. She pushed me away, and I'm not coming back... but if she keeps scratching at my door, I might find myself cracking it open to see who's there, and I don't know if I could stop myself from welcoming her in even if I know it's a bad idea.
upsetnhurt Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 AARON, I feel for you and in I still care for my ex. That will never change as I was once in love with her immensely. You will look back and laugh at all this years down the road and understand where I am coming from in my last post. I admire your care for your ex and also admire that you recognized that she is not the one for you. The longer you spend allowing yourself to leave those "cracks" open....the longer you will have to completely heal and move on to find a new far better love.
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