HarryG Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Grab a drink before you start this. I have a lot to fill you in on. I am 38 years old. She is 34. We've "known" each other for 15 years. I've quoted known because even though we met 15 years ago, her and I have never been close friends. As a matter of fact, we hadn't spoke for almost 5 years before a few weeks ago, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Tracy and I met 15 years ago. I dated a friend of hers, she dated a friend of mine. As a matter of fact, all 4 of us met the same night. The friend of hers I was dating and I broke up after about a year. Her and my friend dated for another 2 years after that. When she and he broke up, about a year passed and Tracy reached out to me. This was probably around 2003. We talked quite a bit, and she told me she always thought that her and I should have ended up together instead of her and my friend. We dated for a little while. Literally just dated. It turned in to nothing more than us spending time together watching movies, and talking. Sex did not happen. One night she came to my place and we began having a few drinks. She had a few two many, but she had already planned on staying the night. I took her up to bed and threw a blanket over her. I climbed in next to her and we went to sleep. More on this later. As fate would have it I was given a promotion that would take me about 50 miles away from her. I took it, and our dating stopped. We would talk on occasion, but it dwindled over time to no conversations at all. I wasn't all tore up about it, as I said, we were just dating and seeing what would happen. I hadn't talked to Tracy for the better part of 5 years. In 2010 I was on Facebook and saw she posted something. It was nice to see her on there and I sent her a message. She replied enthusiastically and almost immediately. We began talking again and she told me she had just ended things with her boyfriend. Over the years I had always told myself that I missed out on a good thing by not giving her my full attention all those years ago. I decided I wasn't going to miss my chance this time, so I got to work. Tracy and I talked A LOT this time around. We spent time together as much as possible. Many times with her driving up to stay a weekend with me here and there, and me driving down to spend days with her. April 2010 her Birthday is approaching. I know how much she loves her birthday and I plan all kinds of things for us to do. I completely surprised her. She was smiling from ear to ear. Most of the presents were of things I know she likes to do, a hobby, one was from every man's favorite store Victoria Secret. She opened it I think expecting something that would really be for me to look at on her, but she was floored when she opened it and found that it was a nice shirt she had pointed out about a month prior. Her birthday was a success. The following day I had another surprise in store for her. I told her to get in the car. I wanted to take her somewhere. Tracy has a specific hobby she loves. When we pulled up to the building and she saw that it was an entire building dedicated to her hobby she went crazy. To this day she refers to it as one of the best weekends she has ever had. That night was the only time her and I had sex. After that I could feel her pulling away. To be fair she told me repeatedly that she didn't want to jump right in to another relationship. Admittedly I probably shouldn't have had sex with her. I think once I did that she realized that things were getting too serious too fast. She began creating distance. Again the talking began to subside and eventually it lead to us drifting apart. Neither of us mad or upset at the other. We just drifted. Recently she's told me that she knows she was the reason we drifted apart. Again we were not officially in a relationship. I wasn't devastated by it. Sure it stung, but I realized where I went wrong and knew if I had to do it differently I would. Time to get current. Tracy has had two long relationships since her and I tried in 2010. One guy broke up with her, the other guy was awful for her and all but ruined her financially. She broke up with him in July 2014. They were off and on for a little while until October 2014 when she told him enough was enough and ended it for good. She made a decision for herself then to not get involved with anyone else. For the first time since she was 18 she decided to be single. She admits that when things ended with the last guy, she looked me up on Facebook to see what my story was. She saw I was with someone at the time and didn't message me. My relationship with my ex ended in the beginning of December 2014. I NEVER post on FB. I hate the sight and only have it to keep tabs on my daughter. So when I posted something in early December Tracy saw it and again checked out my page to see what was up. This time she saw I was single and reached out. Since then we have been talking quite a bit. I spoke to Tracy on the phone, and she told me that she has always wondered if she made a poor decision in 2010 not to see where things would go with me. She's always wondered if her and I were meant to be together. Tracy is huge on fate. She believes that she needed to go through the two relationships that she went through in order to begin to understand what she values most in a significant other. All things she says I have. She recalled the night she had too many to drink at my house. Saying that she would have been ok had I wanted to have fun with her in bed, but she has always remembered me telling her that she needed to get some sleep. In her words "You didn't take advantage of the situation." She still lives a little ways away but not far enough that I cant see her. For now since we are both just out of relationships, we've decided to just keep it to talking. I remember what I did before to ruin my chances, I'm not going to rush things this time. We decided to spend some time together. initially we planned for the 2nd weekend of January, but I was feeling that it was too soon after my break up. So we settled on the 2nd weekend of February. Neither of us realized that it was Valentine's Day weekend at the time. Once I realized it I pointed it out and her reply was "I can think of a lot worse ways to spend Valentine's Day. Yes I want you to come down still." In our talks I also mentioned that I am going to be going to Vegas for work for a few days. She immediately wanted to go along. I of course am fine with that. She's very independent and wont be sitting around in the hotel all day waiting for me to get back. The plan is for me to drive down to her place the night before the flight. We fly out together. Spend 4 days in Vegas and return back home. I'll then spend that Friday, Saturday, Sunday, & Monday with her at her place. Ok, now that the exhausting back-story is out there, seriously, THANK YOU for making it this far if you did. Here's where I am requesting an outside view. We aren't talking as much as we were when we first reconnected. Texting has died down quite a bit as well. This is her busiest month by far. I know she is swamped with work and everything else. So I don't worry about it. One of her big complaints about her ex is he was too needy. Constantly texting her. If she didn't reply right away his texts were followed by "Why aren't you replying? Why are you ignoring me? I know you have your phone with you." I certainly am not like that, but it's good to know that she (as most women don't I imagine) does not like that. I don't know how to approach the topic of her and I beginning a relationship. She's made it clear that right now she is focused on work. By the time we get back from Vegas we will have spent about 15 days together total in less than a month. I feel like by then we should be looking to see where things can go, but again I worry that it'll seem like I am trying to push her, when I am definitely not. Any insight you all have would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you VERY much for making it this far if you did.
Toodaloo Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Let her come to you. If she goes quiet follow her lead and go quiet. Learn to pick up on it quickly when she is going quiet so you don't end up sending 5 texts before you realise... She sounds nice but a bit messed up and flakey if I am honest.
carhill Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 She's made it clear that right now she is focused on work. In general, people who are interested socially or romantically in others don't focus on such aspects. Most adults, responsible ones anyway, focus on work, at work, when working. Then they focus on themselves, their friends, families and romantic prospects the rest of the time. Saying such things is superfluous. Perhaps an old adage could have play here - don't place the cart in front of the horse, meaning don't invest today's emotions in prospects of tomorrow's outcome. If you feel like it, show up today and see how things go today. If there's a tomorrow for any particular association, there is. If not, not. One of her big complaints about her ex is he was too needy. More superfluous statements - ex'es are always something; that's why they're exes. Beware of such statements as subtle 'training'. Do what you do. If things work out, they do. If not, not.
Woop1337 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Sounds like the dating scene kicked her behind and now she's trying again with you. I wouldn't spend that much time with her. I say make plans with her but proceed as slow as you can.
Diezel Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 #1 She seems to be into you whenever no other options are available. WATCH OUT. #2 Just go on your trip first and see what happens. #3 Absolutely do NOT talk about a relationship at all. Let her be the one to bring it up. Good luck, it already seems like you might be a little more emotionally invested than she is. 2
Woop1337 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 i say, treat her as if she's a new person your trying to date. 1
Author HarryG Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Let her come to you. If she goes quiet follow her lead and go quiet. Learn to pick up on it quickly when she is going quiet so you don't end up sending 5 texts before you realise... This is good advice and something I've already been ahead of. I've noticed the down turn in her messages and have also scaled mine back. This wont be an issue.
Sunfire73 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Are ya'll doing anything in Vegas together? Not sure why you need the remaining days together after your trip. That would be too much. I would say to go slow and pretend that you're starting a relationship again. Give her as much space as she need until she's ready to give you more time. You would know if it's not enough. If it's not enough, then you can bring it up to her, whether she's ready for another serious relationship. You should go with the flow for now, and wait for the right time to bring up the relationship thing. Hopefully it's sooner rather than later.
Author HarryG Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 #1 She seems to be into you whenever no other options are available. WATCH OUT. #2 Just go on your trip first and see what happens. #3 Absolutely do NOT talk about a relationship at all. Let her be the one to bring it up. Good luck, it already seems like you might be a little more emotionally invested than she is. I understand what you are saying, but I'm not that cynical. She doesn't choose me every time another guy doesn't work out. The first time we stopped dating was because of me moving. The second time I screwed up and pushed the issue too hard. As for not talking about the relationship stuff at all - I've heard two distinct views on that: 1) Don't bring it up at all. Let her come to you. 2) If it hasn't been brought up on the last day of the 2nd visit, bring it up and see where she stands. Both people from 1 and 2 say the same thing. After spending that much time together she will definitely let you know what she's thinking. Either she'll tell you or she will show you.
Author HarryG Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Are ya'll doing anything in Vegas together? We are. After I am out of training at 330pm she wants to return to the hotel to get me and for us to go out on the strip. Catch some shows. See the sights. Things like that.
Methodical Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) As I read your plight, the movie Forest Grump came to mind. Not that you sound like the character Forest , but she does sound like Jenny! She likes you, but she's not into you. She dates a person, it doesn't work out, she looks you up. Someone else comes along, she hooks up with them, ditches you, and when it fails, she turns back to you. You're "safe," a person to talk to and hang out with, but she's not into you. Sadly, you're defending her actions and blaming yourself for the past because you want it to work. You're hoping this will develop into a beautiful relationship and that's not going to happen. I can almost guarantee you from the pattern you've described, the minute you mention "relationship status," she'll bolt. The timing won't be right, or the "we need to take it slow" conversation will surface, or it's not you it's me, etc....she WILL produce a reason to NOT commit. I'm not being mean, I'm trying to spare you from the disappointment that will follow. Edited January 28, 2015 by Methodical 1
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