shaunydspare Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 So I met this girl a little over 3 weeks ago and we talk everyday and hang at least 1-3 times a week. But, she's also dating another fella. Now everything is still really fresh and we're getting pretty close and i'm making it known as is she about taking things slow. I want to respect her space but I also really like her and I can tell at least on the surface she likes me. It was pretty evident when we first started hanging. We've started hinting at having sex, doing fun things in the future and she tells me she really likes me. Now the question is how do I know im not wasting my time? How do I not come on to strong? Should I be worried that shes casually dating someone else too? How do I make her mine in the long term?
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 So I met this girl a little over 3 weeks ago and we talk everyday and hang at least 1-3 times a week. But, she's also dating another fella. Now everything is still really fresh and we're getting pretty close and i'm making it known as is she about taking things slow. I want to respect her space but I also really like her and I can tell at least on the surface she likes me. It was pretty evident when we first started hanging. We've started hinting at having sex, doing fun things in the future and she tells me she really likes me. Now the question is how do I know im not wasting my time? How do I not come on to strong? Should I be worried that shes casually dating someone else too? How do I make her mine in the long term? You cannot make her yours. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. She has to want to be yours. Continue dating her and be at your best. Show her your level of interest in ways that draw her to you naturally. You do not know if you are wasting you time. And, don't view it as a waste of time if she doesn't come to you in the end. View it as a nice time spent with someone you enjoyed time with and just another chapter in your life. If nothing else, you've learned some things about yourself and had more dating experience. 5
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You cannot make her yours. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. She has to want to be yours. Continue dating her and be at your best. Show her your level of interest in ways that draw her to you naturally. You do not know if you are wasting you time. And, don't view it as a waste of time if she doesn't come to you in the end. View it as a nice time spent with someone you enjoyed time with and just another chapter in your life. If nothing else, you've learned some things about yourself and had more dating experience. This is a very positive take on things and great advice !
Author shaunydspare Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Very wise and good points.
Author shaunydspare Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Im probably being a bit of an overthinker though but what do you mean by "Show her your level of interest in ways that draw her to you naturally. "
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) Im probably being a bit of an overthinker though but what do you mean by "Show her your level of interest in ways that draw her to you naturally. " I mean just be comfortable with her and be yourself, be relaxed, be fun, listen to what she says her likes and dislikes are. If she mentions something or some place specific that she likes, do that or take her there. Don't try to do things that you think will impress her, do things that show her you are listening to her. If she likes horses, take her to something that involves horses. If she likes dogs, take her to the dog show. If she likes antiques, take her to antique stores, etc. You can take her to something you like as well. If it's a sporting event, and she's willing to go but doesn't know much about that, take the time to explain the game to her. Tell her why you like it, how exciting it is to you and so forth. It's about connecting on a deeper level. Keep in good touch with her, but don't flood her with calls and texts. Call her at least twice a week, text her now and again with something fun, light, flirty. Keep things balanced. You reach out to her, she responds. And manage your expectations and emotions. Don't invest yourself too deeply early on. Doing that inhibits your ability to be relaxed and comfortable and puts pressure on you both. Doing all this will hopefully make you more attractive than the other guy, who may be a little less saavy, a playa or ultimately a jerk. Don't worry about other guys. They are not you. You're the ONE, remember? -- Confidence! Edited January 28, 2015 by Redhead14 2
mysteryscape Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 But, she's also dating another fella. We've started hinting at having sex, doing fun things in the future and she tells me she really likes me. Now the question is how do I know im not wasting my time? How do I not come on to strong? Should I be worried that shes casually dating someone else too? How do I make her mine in the long term? She is nothing more than a pal right now because that is all you are to her. If you're worried about whether you're wasting your time, then you probably are. If you start doing more than hinting about having sex, then you will be sharing her with someone else with whom she may well be doing the same. In other words, invest nothing in this because the stock at present is not worth anything other than her palship.
freetolove Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Make sure your intentions are clear and then stop contacting her. Tell her you don't like to play games. Believe me I've been that girl. As long as you're willing to hang, doesn't give her much incentive to choose one or the other. She might end up choosing a 3rd.
lovexocoach Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Too early to know whether you're wasting your time or not. That's why it's called dating - so you can get to know each other better. Pace things slowly but steadily. Don't overwhelm her - especially with texts and calls. Date her. Romance her. Get to know her. Have a fun time with her. Show her you're a fun guy to be with. Make her feel good about herself. Don't take her for granted. Assuming you want to have a relationship with her, and when the topic of sex comes up, tell her you don't have sex with someone until you're in an exclusive relationship and it's monogamous (and after you've both been tested for STDs).
rocketman122 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Id never date a multi dater. I have enough options though. IF u can do that conpeting with another guy/girl thing go for it. There are enough girls that i need to compete with another guy over one. If you want to conpete date another girl as well 1
Revolver Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 No offense.... But You should just assume every woman your seeing is talking to or sleeping with some other guy before you become exclusive. There's no such thing as a woman who is truly single anymore
rocketman122 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 No offense.... But You should just assume every woman your seeing is talking to or sleeping with some other guy before you become exclusive. There's no such thing as a woman who is truly single anymore Youre assuming everyone lives in the us. its not the same in many countries. I have never dated a women who multidateD and they tell me they dont believe in it and ask me that i dont either and of course in happy to oblige. But no way in hell would i date a multi dater. I have enough options. I believe in one on one. And the women i dated are the same. 1
preraph Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 You need to just chill. She is dating. People don't all stop dating around just because they go out with someone. It's too soon to make any issue of this. If you are still having fun in 2 months, you might ask her if she's feeling at all like being exclusive. 1
MrrFantastic Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 freetolove nailed it. I just went through something similar to your situation and I will say this. Know what you want, trust your insticts, and don't settle for anything less than what you want. A woman who thinks she can keep many doors open will and never make a choice. I chose to take myself as a choice away from her...but left the door open. Unless of course I am with someone else...then she has lost and hopefully she will learn a valuable lesson.
Author shaunydspare Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Well she came up and visited me while I was at work and than after we grabbed a drink and we were all snuggly at the bar and had a nice long talk and make out in her car. the general jist of whats going on is she doesnt wanna be a chronic relationship jumper and wants to focus on her career and still have fun. i am also on board with that and told her im all for someone whos strong and independent and will always support her in what she does. so pretty much we both know we really like each other a lot its just in the very early stages of probably a relationship. were gonna goto a cocktail party this saturday with a esquire editor and i'll probably continue to woo her. im in no hurry i got this. thanks yall.
RuKiddingme Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Should I be worried that shes casually dating someone else too? Yep. I really never understood the multi-dating thing. Who really wants to have to constantly question if they are better than the other guy or feel like there is this competition? It's just a sick game. I don't even bother with that noise. 2
MrrFantastic Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Word. Everyone (men and women included) seem to have the GIGS real bad.
Erised Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 The best thing you can do is be calm and relaxed about it. Do not compete; do not get jealous. Be confident in your own value. If she likes you, it will end. Of course, conversations due to safety are important before any sexual activity beyond kissing. Regardless.
rocketman122 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Well she came up and visited me while I was at work and than after we grabbed a drink and we were all snuggly at the bar and had a nice long talk and make out in her car. the general jist of whats going on is she doesnt wanna be a chronic relationship jumper and wants to focus on her career and still have fun. i am also on board with that and told her im all for someone whos strong and independent and will always support her in what she does. so pretty much we both know we really like each other a lot its just in the very early stages of probably a relationship. were gonna goto a cocktail party this saturday with a esquire editor and i'll probably continue to woo her. im in no hurry i got this. thanks yall. Basically she told u what u want to hear to hold in place and make u feel like uoure important. She didnt say exclusive she didnt say i want you. She didnt say the other guy is out. She says she doesnt "wanna" be a chronic r jumper but she didnt give u any promises. I would boot and move on. Thats just me. I wouldnt conptete with another guy because i dont have to. She sounds a bit of player to me. "Still have fun" Strong and independant to me means that they can do without you. But since you enjoy taking her out and spending money on her why would she say no. Two guys fighting over her taking her out screwing her. Pleasure city. If a girl played me like that Id spit in her face and walk away. 3
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I am with the team 'yes you are wasting your time'. How did you end up knowing she is seeing someone else? Did you ask or she volunteered the info? She told you she just wants to have fun and not be in a relationship and you're down with that? 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I wouldn't continue dating her if I were you. 1
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Well she came up and visited me while I was at work and than after we grabbed a drink and we were all snuggly at the bar and had a nice long talk and make out in her car. the general jist of whats going on is she doesnt wanna be a chronic relationship jumper and wants to focus on her career and still have fun. i am also on board with that and told her im all for someone whos strong and independent and will always support her in what she does. so pretty much we both know we really like each other a lot its just in the very early stages of probably a relationship. were gonna goto a cocktail party this saturday with a esquire editor and i'll probably continue to woo her. im in no hurry i got this. thanks yall. She TOLD YOU she doesn't want a relationship and she just wants fun yet you are assuming that you two are " in the very early stages of probably a relationship". NOOOO! Stop lying to yourself and accept that you are not in an exclusive relationship (remember to protect yourself), she doesn't want to be exclusive and doesn't want to be "in a relationship". If that is OK with you, and you just want fun, and do not mind sharing her then fine, but do not expect her suddenly to see you as bf material later down the line, as that is unlikely to happen. 2
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Now the question is A) how do I know im not wasting my time? B) How do I not come on to strong? C) Should I be worried that shes casually dating someone else too? D) How do I make her mine in the long term? A) You can never really know up front. But if she seems to like you, then it is not a waste of time. B) You should date a couple other girls too. C) No. You work on being the best you that you are capable of being. If nothing else, this girl can provide you with valuable lady-skills practice. D) Unknown. Unlikely that you can, given how big the world is. The best girlfriend I ever had dated around for 6 months or so. I just stayed in the rotation. You never know, but a little competition is no reason to quit. When you're with her, focus on the now, and leave the future for later. Oh, and stop talking about your feelings. Just express them with your actions.
veggirl Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Start dating others. You guys have been on around...6-9 dates? And she still needs to date others? She's just not that into you. I would never date multiple people for that long. Ridiculous. You should know after 2 or 3 dates if you are ready to see just one person. You should be excited about them and ONLY want to see them...not still see what happens with Steve as well. Forget her. Don't wait around while she goes out w/ other guys, just looks desperate. doesn't sound like she is interested in settling down with anyone. 2
venusishername Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) the general jist of whats going on is she doesnt wanna be a chronic relationship jumper and wants to focus on her career and still have fun. Eh..... she just spelled it out for you. She's not interested in anything serious. If I told a guy I just want to focus on my career and still have fun, meanwhile dating two (or more) men at once, it means that I wasn't into anything serious. It's not that she's playing you. It just doesn't sound like you are on the same page at this point. You can't make her change her view, so don't try. Since you like her so much, just state what YOU are looking for. Don't hang around her waiting, that will only make you look weak. Edited January 31, 2015 by venusishername 1
Recommended Posts