bluefairy812 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) hello all. i have been a relationship for about three years already. since the beginning things have started off the wrong way and have continued wrong; we have had issues with me committing (i have never been 100% sure of us) and the times I have been sure, it is like a temporary high, nice for a while then it goes away. we have had our share of issues (my emotional unavailable infidelity, him dealing with a drug addiction, me not being fully committed, etc.) he had a roommate last june who wasn't able to continue living with him so he moved in with me. since then although i have enjoyed our time together (for instance, we have the best time together, we enjoy the same food, traveling, music taste, etc.) but when it comes to seeing my future, i have always been unsure. he's a great man, loving, faithful, cooks for me, is neat and tidy, dresses well and polite. always courteous. compliments me. i am beginning to think i am the problem here. but i have been struggling to deal with my feelings for months. i have never been single (i am 28) and i think that has something to do with it. i genuinely want to be alone for sometime. however, i will admit i have been selfish, keeping our relationship because i don't want to regret letting him go. i almost feel like Liz from Eat Pray Love, just deciding over night she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I want to be alone, travel, and just get to know myself. Date other people. Hang with friends. Just do whatever I want without having a relationship. I feel like I am being held back. we barely have sex anymore.... i don't know what to do. breaking up would entail him moving out. idk if i will regret it or not. i feel like i am in a marriage... a failed one but one where you are both used to each other? i am scared and feel like a jackass. Edited January 28, 2015 by bluefairy812
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I think if you think about it this much it is truly what you want and your fear of him being hurt is holding you back you sound like you really want to explore your options. I can't give you an answer its your choice in the end but... I will tell you this since my last relationship I was single for two years and I had never been happier and more successful in my life (once i got over the depressing breakup parts) I had never been single for that long before and I learned so much about myself and the things I wanted out of life in those two years had I jumped into another relationship im sure it would of failed I learned how to be happy and strong on my own. 2
Author bluefairy812 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 that is exactly what i want, to be alone....explore myself... my options... get to know and love myself. i have never been alone and have been in relationships since i was 18. i have been on and off with him (all because of me) because of this constant battle between my mind and heart... it's awful.. he's pissed off at me because of my back and forth. i feel like a selfish jerk.
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 that is exactly what i want, to be alone....explore myself... my options... get to know and love myself. i have never been alone and have been in relationships since i was 18. i have been on and off with him (all because of me) because of this constant battle between my mind and heart... it's awful.. he's pissed off at me because of my back and forth. i feel like a selfish jerk. Then you should break up with him it's unfair to pull him back and forth it must be very scary to walk on eggshells worrying if your girl is going to love you next week or not. You're not a jerk or selfish for wanting to explore life as a single person esp if you've never done it before I wish I did it sooner it's very healthy.
Author bluefairy812 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Then you should break up with him it's unfair to pull him back and forth it must be very scary to walk on eggshells worrying if your girl is going to love you next week or not. You're not a jerk or selfish for wanting to explore life as a single person esp if you've never done it before I wish I did it sooner it's very healthy. what should i say? how do i approach someone who smiles every time they see me? this entire topic just makes my eyes water up and not want to speak. he wants to get married with me someday and even looks at houses to rent for us online all the time. he wants me in his future.
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 what should i say? how do i approach someone who smiles every time they see me? this entire topic just makes my eyes water up and not want to speak. Be honest tell him you've come to a point in your life where you wish to explore as a single person tell him your desires to travel that you want to focus on your career anything really just don't tell him it's his fault he will beg, prob cry, promise to be better, beg for closure, you cannot give into this because a month from now you will be in the same situation where you want out. Go strict no contact after don't cave into him trying to contact you he will be upset but if you stay NC his healing will be faster than it would if you stay in contact let him mourn the relationship so he's able to move on it won't be good for him to receive false hopes from you.
Author bluefairy812 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 thank you for your help. i know it's dumb to think about, but what if i regret this? he will have to move out to his parents house. what if i want to be with him later on? his parents will hate me forever for kicking him to the curb. he is going to hate me too.
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 thank you for your help. i know it's dumb to think about, but what if i regret this? he will have to move out to his parents house. what if i want to be with him later on? his parents will hate me forever for kicking him to the curb. he is going to hate me too. Once you break up with him those things wont matter because you need to stay no contact in order for him to heal if you stay in contact he's going to be far more worse and upset. Maybe you two will come together again in the future but if you want to be without him that is what it will be a life without him so be positive before you break up with him you cannot take it back and I don't suggest you do you would be momentarily happy then all those feelings of wanting to be alone and explore life would return again. I think as you've been considering this for months you're already ready to break up you just need to keep focus on doing it for you and not on him. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 thank you very much for your insight. i really appreciate it. 1
me85 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I think if you think about it this much it is truly what you want and your fear of him being hurt is holding you back you sound like you really want to explore your options. I can't give you an answer its your choice in the end but... I will tell you this since my last relationship I was single for two years and I had never been happier and more successful in my life (once i got over the depressing breakup parts) I had never been single for that long before and I learned so much about myself and the things I wanted out of life in those two years had I jumped into another relationship im sure it would of failed I learned how to be happy and strong on my own. Perfectly stated. Exactly. 100% agreed. I'm 29 (will be 30 this year) and all throughout my 20's I've jumped from one serious RS to the next, never taking breaks in between. I always had a rebound fling in between break ups and was quickly involved seriously again in only a matter of a month or so. I've been single for the past year and a half and it's the best decision I've made in a long time. I've grown in ways I could've only grown by being on my own...completely focused on myself, without any distractions. Yes, RSs are distractions IMO. How can you pay close attention to your own feelings when they're wrapped up in someone else's? It's so much harder to figure yourself out while you're in a RS. I've learned so much about myself, that I could've only learned while being single. Best of luck to you OP! 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Perfectly stated. Exactly. 100% agreed. I'm 29 (will be 30 this year) and all throughout my 20's I've jumped from one serious RS to the next, never taking breaks in between. I always had a rebound fling in between break ups and was quickly involved seriously again in only a matter of a month or so. I've been single for the past year and a half and it's the best decision I've made in a long time. I've grown in ways I could've only grown by being on my own...completely focused on myself, without any distractions. Yes, RSs are distractions IMO. How can you pay close attention to your own feelings when they're wrapped up in someone else's? It's so much harder to figure yourself out while you're in a RS. I've learned so much about myself, that I could've only learned while being single. Best of luck to you OP! thank you for your insight. it makes me feel better to read this. unfortunately i have so much stress and fear in me right now, it's a dark cloud that follows me around. i have had a bad last couple of days/months because of this.
Author bluefairy812 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 thank you for your insight. it makes me feel better to read this. unfortunately i have so much stress and fear in me right now, it's a dark cloud that follows me around. i have had a bad last couple of days/months because of this. the pain of letting him go is almost as bad as the pain i feel inside continuing a relationship that isn't for me..
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