SweetLikeCinnamon Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (He’s 21, I’m 23) Earlier this month I posted on here that I was nervous about going on a first date with an online guy as it had been as while for me. Well, I went on the date and it went fine. We got on pretty well, though I was the one doing most of the talking as he was pretty shy. I enjoyed the activities of the day and enjoyed his company. Despite all this I was undecided after the date as to whether I like him in that way or as I didn’t feel butterflies or anything like that. And despite the fact that we had loads in common I wasn’t sure yet if we were romantically compatible. But I was willing to give it another shot to see if my feelings become any clearer. He did made it clear that he had a good time and that he things we could be a match. Then after the first date he started showing insecurities and saying he’s worried that he can’t be good enough for someone like me and that’s why he was nervous and so on. We went on the second date and I had a pretty good time but was still undecided as to if I liked him. He is quite shy so I guess I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt cause I can be really shy too. I then got very busy with University stuff so couldn’t make another date for a few weeks. He knew this but came out and asked me if I actually wanted to see him again. I took this opportunity to be very honest with him, I told him that I’m happy to see him again but I’m still not sure if I feel that attraction and am still waiting to find that out. I said I understand if he want to see other people (he had said before he only wants to see one person at a time but I saw he was still active on the dating site so assumed he had other options). He then responded with a long message and this is when I started to get annoyed. In the message he said ‘Well I kinda know what its like to be waiting for a long time and really wanting like the perfect relationship too, but I know that good things really take time *my name*. I know to like see past the face value of stuff and to have something deep and meaningful together takes a lot of effort ’ That line annoyed me because I felt he was getting superior and telling me I didn’t know how to make a relationship work. He said he can’t think straight when he sees me. He then went onto say that he thinks it can really work between us and that he thinks I’m the girl he’s been waiting for his whole life and that he doesn’t want to see anyone else. After he said that I went to check his OLD profile and saw that he had deleted it. I responded by saying that it’s not so much I want a ‘perfect relationship with someone’ but I just need to feel that initial attraction before it can progress into something more. I also said there’s a chance that those feelings on my part won’t grow so it may be unfair if I continue to lead him on. He then responded by trying to justify what I said by saying it makes sense because ‘it’s scientifically proven that men feel committed to someone earlier than men’, when the reality is if I actually liked someone I’d feel ‘committed’ too. He also said I’m worth the risk and that we can arrange to meet up once I’m finished with my university deadlines. I didn’t reply cause I had a lot of work to do. Later in the evening (last night) I went to bed and then woke up in the earlier hours to go to the bathroom. When I did I saw I had another message from him. In this message he said he had changed his mind and wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye cause he now feels inadequate and would have to being pulling out all the stops and went on to say that he hadn’t told me before but he ‘has a fear of not being good enough’. I felt like the whole message was designed to make me feel guilty and somehow change my mind about him. He also was putting words into my mouth and making it sound like I said he wasn’t good enough. But the thing that *really* made me angry was that he said ‘I don't think its particularly cool if you’d simply just prefer someone more attractive than myself, which isn’t something I can really change, even though I would if I could :/’ Never did I say I didn’t think he was attractive enough, I actually do think he’s good looking but attraction is not simply about looks. It’s also not about ‘pulling out all the stops.’ I’m really angry that he’s making me out to be shallow and a bad person just because I don’t feel something for him which is something I can’t control. It would be very wrong for me to pretend to like him and then have a sexual relationship with someone I don’t feel connected to. He’s putting me in a lose lose situation. I also feel like he’s being hypocritical cause I’m sure his feelings are driven by lust at this point since we’ve only met twice In the same message he went also went on to say this: ‘It’s a real shame as we’ve like talked and learnt so much about one another, and I'd really like to see you again because I think we could be happy together if we just spent a little more time’ To me this saying this to someone who doesn’t feel the same way sounds really unstable. Also the first bit annoys me because we only talked and got to know each other in a very general way that is very normal for people who are considering dating each other, I don’t see how had so many expectations from those conversation which happened before we even met. This message bothered me so much that I couldn’t fall asleep again which is really bad considering I had to do some really important work that morning, this whole week in general is very crucial for me. I feel really annoyed and want to reply to him in a way that show it, but I’m just not sure if I‘m being hash because I know rejection is hard, but I find his entitlement completely out of line and I’m so angry that he would make out I’m shallow for not reciprocating his feelings. I get that he’s younger than me and is coming across as immature, but I didn’t really expect it as I hang out with loads of guys his age at Uni who are nothing like that. There are actually other guys who I’m more attracted to (not because of looks) who I see regularly in my social circles so I know what attraction feels like. One of the guys just got into a relationship and the other I have a history with and has relationship issues, so neither are a ‘threat’, but there is one guy I do like and might try to pursue. But my point is it’s not fair to either of us if I’m attracted to other guys and not the guy I’m seeing, and if I liked him in that way then I would feel that way about him instead and would forget about anyone else. But that’s not the case. Sorry that was long, I needed to vent. Any thoughts? How should I approach this?
Erised Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 The whole dam systems out of order! Oh, sorry. What I mean to say is, he is way too intense for someone he scarcely knows regardless of your behavior. I would not want to keep in contact with him after he did not accept it graciously. He is enamored with the idea of you, and not letting it go, and that is not something I'd entertain one moment longer than necessary.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I think you know the answer already, dating this guy is not a good idea for you, it won't go anywhere positive if you keep dating him! Say Bye now!!
Author SweetLikeCinnamon Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Thanks guys. I know I definitely don't want to see him again after this. But I guess I just want to know if my original reason for not being confident about wanting to continue was fair. Also how I should handle this now, like how should I respond? And oh yeah I forgot to add, we haven't even kissed or held hands or anything. So I didn't even lead him on.
clia Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I honestly wouldn't even respond. All of this is way too deep and serious talk for a guy who you've only been on two dates with. (I mean, imagine how annoying all of this would be later on if he is already acting like this when he barely knows you?) And I think it's perfectly normal to still be on the fence about a guy after only two dates.
Author SweetLikeCinnamon Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Thanks Clia. Yep, huge red flags, and ironically he seems to think this behaviour can change my mind! 1
GemmaUK Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I wouldn't respond. He is already trying to guilt trip you. Manipulation isn't attractive. Yes I do think that your comment to him was fair - you gave him a choice whether to see you again or not based upon that. He, however isn't really giving you a choice and is just wanting you to do what he wants. 1
pteromom Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 He's being way too intense. Not only that, but you are incapable of having a discussion without him saying things that push your buttons and make you angry. If that is happening this early in, there's no point in continuing to date. You need to find someone who is on your wavelength, so that when you are having conversations - even heated ones - you can grasp what the other is saying and feeling. No point in writing him back.
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