Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Lesson learned, don't do too much too soon. Don't waste your time wine/dining these chicks so soon!!! They gotta earn that. Keep first dates/meeting lite and simple. Have coffee/drinks. Take a walk, talk. If she isn't reciprocating romantically then do not elevate the dates. Make her earn it. Come on to easy too soon and you become o'l faithful. Women deep down inside want to be manhandled... There's a difference between the "nice guy" and "good guy". "Nice" guy is a doormat. He tries too hard too soon. He ends up taken advantage of and/or friendzoned. "Good" guy is a gentleman. He opens doors, treats the ladies right, but he ain't no fool. If she isn't reciprocating, at the end of the date, he kisses her on the cheek and tosses her number. Yeah, I probably was too much too soon, even for me. I keep this **** in check. Learned a lot when I was younger. Why do you think I have so many more options Even when I went out with this one, I was seeing other girls, haha. I did 'toss' her number so to speak by stopping contacting her. She started reaching out to me is all, and we always would have some deep convo. She was easy for me to open up too, which is something I never do. I am one of those dudes who internalizes all emotions mostly and never wants to talk about my feelings, with anyone. Had a serious 5 year relationship and she didn't know everything I have hidden inside of me. heh. Whateves, got some good spankbank material anyway.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Woot woot. New girl just left, went for the kiss.. got a small denial, hrmm, she seemed so flirty. The second one and third one worked like a charm. Oh, she wanted to stay too, too bad about this monthly cycle thing... Won't take too much time before I forget all about this last girl. haha
Erised Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Woot woot. New girl just left, What? And I thought what we had was special! haha, seriously, glad to hear man. 1
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 What? And I thought what we had was special! haha, seriously, glad to hear man. Welcome to the new world of multidating. You're still my number one Erised. 1
Erised Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 . You're still my number one Erised. Of course. I figured that goes without saying.
kendahke Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 So, I gave it a shot to tell a girl I had a few dates (! well, they seemed like dates, but she was so opaque that I opted to be verbal with my intentions at the end) that I really liked her, thought she was beautiful, and wanted to take her on a date. She was shocked! Apparently buying her a nice dinner and then cooking for her, my intentions weren't dead obvious. Anyway, she said no. Well, we remained friends hanging out from time to time and I feel my attraction just grew. I couldn't help it, had her over with another girl friend of mine, and I cooked for them both, drank a few bottles of wine and played some guitar.. oh wow she has a beautiful voice. Anyway, I couldn't help it and when I walked her out, I told her I was still crazy about her. That I have a lot of options (I do, actually have had dates with 4 other girls since and am sort of seeing one a little more serious now) but that she was the one I wanted. She said she really likes me and enjoys all the time we spend together, but she doesn't see me like that, that she still cherishes me and my friendship. I told her that is fine, but I will still want her when we hang out. Since, I have tried to ignore her, and put distance between us, but she has now started initiating a lot of messages, like 3 days in a row, one day really going into emotional things with me, the one year anniversary of her mothers death. This stuff just makes me feel a deeper and stronger connection with her. It makes me want her more. I compare all the other girls to her. I feel like my only salvation would to be cut it off completely, but the thought of it makes me sad. It also makes me feel immature and childish because I can't just accept the friendship. How does LS feel about such things? Is it acceptable to fade from someone who clearly feels an emotional connection to you, just can't give you what you want? That's just it: you can't accept a friendship right now because you've got romantic feelings for her. If you want this fever to break, you're going to have to put some space between you two. That means she can't lean on you like that right now, knowing how you feel about her. If she cared anything at all about you as a friend, she'd understand. She wouldn't torture her friends like that, so why does she think she can do that with you? You feel how you feel--it is what it is right now. Until you feel differently, you're going to have to take steps to wean yourself off of her and that means not being at her beck and call.
preraph Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Woot woot. New girl just left, went for the kiss.. got a small denial, hrmm, she seemed so flirty. The second one and third one worked like a charm. Oh, she wanted to stay too, too bad about this monthly cycle thing... Won't take too much time before I forget all about this last girl. haha Love hurts -------- a lot less when you're making out. 2
kendahke Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I feel as in someway it does feed my ego. Now she wants my attention; Now I hold something over her! She's giving off mixed signals and that is feeding into what you're feeling right now. Is that fair to you? That she is requiring out of you what she will not give to you? You've laid out how you feel, she's told you she doesn't see you like that, but now that she knows you're like that, she's going to take full advantage? What happens when you wade in too far? She's going to say "I already told you I don't feel that way for you.." and you are going to be left picking up your heart from under her heel. I have another girlfriend (actually the one that had dinner with us) tell me she can see why I like her, and that she can see that this girl has a genuine care for me, and that I need to see it from her perspective: that it would suck to lose a good friend like me. Because, that I am. Yes, if your feelings were not where they are right now, you probably are a great friend... but you really don't want to be her friend in the friendzone: want to be her lover. You want emotional intimacy with her. You want affection with her; and the more time you spend around her, that feeling is going to get stronger. She isn't in a head space to reciprocate in full measure and she will remind you, in probably a way that you are not expecting or wanting, that she made it quite clear that she didn't like you like that. Yes, 1
bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Unless there's something about you she really doesn't like, then I don't see why you couldn't win her over. Except the best way to do it now is to stop acting like you're so nuts about her anymore. I know it feels like a game but that stuff works. Start acting like you've given up and that she's only a friend. She'll probably feel disappointed that she lost your admiration. The other side of this is that her recent barrage of texts may be her trying to connect with you on a deeper level. If I were you, I wouldn't completely give up on this. 1
Jame22 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) That I probably needed some time before we could be friend, because I just can not easily get over her. That I thought it was ****ty to do it but it was something I had to do. Quit lying to yourself and cut her off cold turkey. The only way to get rid of those feelings is to walk away and never look back. There's a good way to handle this; "I can't be just friends with you anymore. I know that sucks but it's a decision I have to make in order for me to move on. If you change your mind let me know. "- That could probably be worded better but hopefully you get the vibe. If she has any feelings for you at all she won't let you go... she'll contact you after this. When she does grab the wine and go in for a kiss. If she rejects you she is in the wrong and you can turn and never look back. Edited January 30, 2015 by Jame22 2
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) Unless there's something about you she really doesn't like, then I don't see why you couldn't win her over. Except the best way to do it now is to stop acting like you're so nuts about her anymore. I know it feels like a game but that stuff works. Start acting like you've given up and that she's only a friend. She'll probably feel disappointed that she lost your admiration. The other side of this is that her recent barrage of texts may be her trying to connect with you on a deeper level. If I were you, I wouldn't completely give up on this. @The other few responses as well. James, I pretty much did cut her off cold turkey. I guess I really like that ending about "if you change your mind", but I guess that is pretty much implied when I said I would contact her if/when I can just be a friend. Any other time, she has to know I still can not see her that way. Yes Kendahke, I see exactly that as well. I mean that is why I needed and did tell her I can not be her friend. I know that it will end up with me getting my heart crushed. I do not get attached to people so much in my life, I am very guarded with my emotions. So strange I felt such a strong connection with her so quick, something I never let happen with most people. That is why I knew I needed to put distance between us. I wouldn't say that I have given up, but more or less accepted and moving on. If she were to blatantly tell me she wants more, then of courese, I would go for it. From my experience, this works 5% of the time. It does work, but most of the time, it does not. I would say that *if* she continues to blow me up, and *if* I decide to go back on my word and meet her, I would try to kiss her. That way she gets the point that I can not see her as a friend. Not now. And possible not ever unless I have found someone else I am serious about... Like Erised. I also really stress if, because most likely I will not respond to her or meet her for now. I mean what I say, and I follow through with what I intend. Edited January 30, 2015 by LoveRefreshed
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 To test the boundaries of the friendzone you find yourself in, I would ask her to set you up with somebody new. Tell her you're a little bored with who you're seeing, and you thought she'd be able to help you with that. Ask her if she's got any good-looking friends that are available, and if she does, tell her to get dialing. What's the worst thing that can happen? At a minimum, you'll be able to gauge her resistance to the idea.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 To test the boundaries of the friendzone you find yourself in, I would ask her to set you up with somebody new. Tell her you're a little bored with who you're seeing, and you thought she'd be able to help you with that. Ask her if she's got any good-looking friends that are available, and if she does, tell her to get dialing. What's the worst thing that can happen? At a minimum, you'll be able to gauge her resistance to the idea. Maybe, but right now, I think I am just not going to talk to her. I don't think I need to gauge anything. She had her chance, I told her twice, which is once more than I tell a girl normally that I like her.
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Maybe, but right now, I think I am just not going to talk to her. I don't think I need to gauge anything. She had her chance, I told her twice, which is once more than I tell a girl normally that I like her. That's fair. True story: I was in a beach house and I liked a girl in it. I asked her out and she said no, so I marked the calendar for 30 days hence, and I told her that she had until that date to change her mind, and that I'd ask her out every day until then. That's what I did, every day, without fail. Either in person, or I'd call her. I made a big deal of it on the 30th day too. She never did go out with me, but we became great friends. I guess you're just taking the shorter route to the same place. 1
EgoJoe Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 She's not happy that you aren't jumping into the friend zone as instructed. You're building mystery but not attraction. Disappear and start being a little rude.
Jame22 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 She's not happy that you aren't jumping into the friend zone as instructed. You're building mystery but not attraction. Disappear and start being a little rude. From what I can tell this is a little different. I think she genuinely wants a friend. But that doesn't change the fact that the OP needs to look out for himself. No need to be rude but he does need to start distancing himself.
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Since, I have tried to ignore her, and put distance between us, but she has now started initiating a lot of messages, like 3 days in a row, one day really going into emotional things with me, the one year anniversary of her mothers death. YOU have a connection re your parents, so is it any wonder she calls you around the anniversary of her mothers death, this I guess has nothing to do with dating, but all to do with turning to the person she feels will understand at a time of grief.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 I'm not into the whole disappear and be rude. I am more into the disappear. I don't want to be, and can't really be an *******. Not worth changing myself to get with someone, if they are immature and want to date the slight assholish bad boy, I probably don't like them much anyway. Elaine, why on god name do people want to get so close to friends? I don't understand putting that much out there with someone you see as just your friend. I only talked about those things with her because I wanted to be close to her emotionally and physically. I felt like she would empathize and not pity. I don't just go on blabbing such deep things with people I had only met a couple times if I didn't have some interest in a more meaningful connection. Maybe a friend who you've known for a long time and is trustworthy... Anyway, you're right I am sure, hence the whole reason I am maintaining NC with her right now.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 So, very interesting thing happened yesterday. See, I am currently not living in the US, and this girl knew that I kind of thought that German girls could be strange and I wasn't into them so much (she is not German). Well, after I told her NC, basically we haven't talked at all, and I started dating a German girl a bit more seriously now. We went to a Party last night, and well who would have guessed, that girl was there. I basically ignored the **** out of her. We left the Party and went to a club as a huge group and on the walk she kept trying to get my Attention. I didn't ignore her, but she didn't get my full Attention like she used too. At the club, I was dancing with a lot of girls and the girl I was dating too. We were dancing really close. I told her I started dating this german girl. She told me then that she liked someone, an American with a PhD (as am I). That was all she said. An attempt to make me jealous? This girl got jealous I think. She gave me a quick hug, kissed me on the cheek (which is something she has never done before) and said she was leaving and then just blasted out of there. Nothing else said, she was clearly upset about something. Are there really women like this? Is it possible she was jealous? I think I will keep the NC going. I think she just loves attention or something.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 OP, I think you made a mistake telling her you had "options" but you preferred her. Even if she DID see you romantically no girl wants you to tell her you have options - it makes her feel like you're trying to pressure her to be with you. At the club when you told her you're seeing another girl - whats the point? You're just trying to make her jealous. And it worked - because now shes trying to make YOU jealous. See the game you started? I did some of these same things to an old friend (key word being OLD) and they backfired on me hard. You need to either cut her out of your life, or if you truly value her as a friend, make things right with her and maintain your boundaries. Even though you being with other girls SHOULDNT make her jealous - she knows that you like her, and when you do try make her jealous its somewhat disrespectful.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 I don't think my Motivation was to make her jealous. So basically, I gave her this nickname when we started that is Kind of cute. Well on the walk to the Club, she was trying to get me to say it, "What was that nick Name you gave me?" She knows what it is, damn well. It was in front of the girl I was seeing. I wanted her to know more that I am now not free to flirt, also to let her know that I am working on moving on and am doing okay with it. I really didn't expect it to make her jealous.. she has no right to be jealous and it doesn't make sense to me. She had the chance and didn't want me.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I don't think my Motivation was to make her jealous. So basically, I gave her this nickname when we started that is Kind of cute. Well on the walk to the Club, she was trying to get me to say it, "What was that nick Name you gave me?" She knows what it is, damn well. It was in front of the girl I was seeing. I wanted her to know more that I am now not free to flirt, also to let her know that I am working on moving on and am doing okay with it. I really didn't expect it to make her jealous.. she has no right to be jealous and it doesn't make sense to me. She had the chance and didn't want me. It sounds like shes getting dirty with her tactics too. It sounds like you need to cut this girl out of your life - any hope that you two could ever work out is poisoned. Whether you think you did or not - you did make her jealous in your early interactions with her by telling her you had "options". In my experiences - I used the same phrase "she had her chance" and I went out of my way to see other people and make this girl jealous. Well it worked - I got her to see me more romantically, but it was never real. Because that connection was built on manipulation and deceit. We pretty much ended up hating each other.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 It sounds like shes getting dirty with her tactics too. It sounds like you need to cut this girl out of your life - any hope that you two could ever work out is poisoned. Whether you think you did or not - you did make her jealous in your early interactions with her by telling her you had "options". In my experiences - I used the same phrase "she had her chance" and I went out of my way to see other people and make this girl jealous. Well it worked - I got her to see me more romantically, but it was never real. Because that connection was built on manipulation and deceit. We pretty much ended up hating each other. I had one girl who told me the "I have Options" was a good move, but she also supports the game playing. I typically don't play games but I wanted this girl and was willing to do it. You're quite right though, I have been NC with her. We just have common friends and ended up at the same party. Another one of my good friends there that night told me that she seemed to be upset when she left as well, so it wasn't just in my mind. She also doesn't like her very much, said she just wants to get attention. (Girls are the best for understanding other Girls, lol) Anyway, as I said, I will remain NC with her, but it seemed quite interesting to see this out of her. I just don't understand. Friends should be able to talk about seeing someone, right? She wanted to be friends.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 I had one girl who told me the "I have Options" was a good move, but she also supports the game playing. I typically don't play games but I wanted this girl and was willing to do it. You're quite right though, I have been NC with her. We just have common friends and ended up at the same party. Another one of my good friends there that night told me that she seemed to be upset when she left as well, so it wasn't just in my mind. She also doesn't like her very much, said she just wants to get attention. (Girls are the best for understanding other Girls, lol) Anyway, as I said, I will remain NC with her, but it seemed quite interesting to see this out of her. I just don't understand. Friends should be able to talk about seeing someone, right? She wanted to be friends. Yes, friends can talk to friends about seeing people. But when you declare your affection for her (when she only wants to be a friend) and tell her that if she doesn't choose you, you have other girls. How do you think that makes her feel? Using Jealousy as a weapon is a bad move. I think they're healthy feelings to harbor in some cases, but they should never be utilized to manipulate someone. If you had never made your romantic intentions towards her known, it would have been OK to talk about who you're dating etc. It's good that you're NC with her, I just hope (Based on my own experiences) that you don't still maintain some hope of winning her over. Navigating the friend zone with someone you like is hard - ive been there. And i'll never do it again 1
lolablue17 Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 (edited) Of course she was jealous. Even if she doesn't want you, she likes your attention and mostly that you adore her and think she is the one. Now that you give your love and attention to this German girl, she's jealous. She knows she has no right to be jealous, that what makes her upset. Let her process her feelings, and then you can ask her to hang out as friends. You're over her, don't you? Edited February 22, 2015 by lolablue17 2
Recommended Posts