LoveRefreshed Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 So, I gave it a shot to tell a girl I had a few dates (! well, they seemed like dates, but she was so opaque that I opted to be verbal with my intentions at the end) that I really liked her, thought she was beautiful, and wanted to take her on a date. She was shocked! Apparently buying her a nice dinner and then cooking for her, my intentions weren't dead obvious. Anyway, she said no. Well, we remained friends hanging out from time to time and I feel my attraction just grew. I couldn't help it, had her over with another girl friend of mine, and I cooked for them both, drank a few bottles of wine and played some guitar.. oh wow she has a beautiful voice. Anyway, I couldn't help it and when I walked her out, I told her I was still crazy about her. That I have a lot of options (I do, actually have had dates with 4 other girls since and am sort of seeing one a little more serious now) but that she was the one I wanted. She said she really likes me and enjoys all the time we spend together, but she doesn't see me like that, that she still cherishes me and my friendship. I told her that is fine, but I will still want her when we hang out. Since, I have tried to ignore her, and put distance between us, but she has now started initiating a lot of messages, like 3 days in a row, one day really going into emotional things with me, the one year anniversary of her mothers death. This stuff just makes me feel a deeper and stronger connection with her. It makes me want her more. I compare all the other girls to her. I feel like my only salvation would to be cut it off completely, but the thought of it makes me sad. It also makes me feel immature and childish because I can't just accept the friendship. How does LS feel about such things? Is it acceptable to fade from someone who clearly feels an emotional connection to you, just can't give you what you want?
Erised Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 So, I gave it a shot to tell a girl I had a few dates (! well, they seemed like dates, but she was so opaque that I opted to be verbal with my intentions at the end) that I really liked her, thought she was beautiful, and wanted to take her on a date. She was shocked! Apparently buying her a nice dinner and then cooking for her, my intentions weren't dead obvious. Anyway, she said no. Well, we remained friends hanging out from time to time and I feel my attraction just grew. I couldn't help it, had her over with another girl friend of mine, and I cooked for them both, drank a few bottles of wine and played some guitar.. oh wow she has a beautiful voice. Anyway, I couldn't help it and when I walked her out, I told her I was still crazy about her. That I have a lot of options (I do, actually have had dates with 4 other girls since and am sort of seeing one a little more serious now) but that she was the one I wanted. She said she really likes me and enjoys all the time we spend together, but she doesn't see me like that, that she still cherishes me and my friendship. I told her that is fine, but I will still want her when we hang out. Since, I have tried to ignore her, and put distance between us, but she has now started initiating a lot of messages, like 3 days in a row, one day really going into emotional things with me, the one year anniversary of her mothers death. This stuff just makes me feel a deeper and stronger connection with her. It makes me want her more. I compare all the other girls to her. I feel like my only salvation would to be cut it off completely, but the thought of it makes me sad. It also makes me feel immature and childish because I can't just accept the friendship. How does LS feel about such things? Is it acceptable to fade from someone who clearly feels an emotional connection to you, just can't give you what you want? There's nothing wrong with taking distance and time to yourself and salvaging a friendship at a later date when it's not so emotionally raw. In fact, attempting to continue with your mismatched desires would likely explode in both your faces and lose all possibility for a normal platonic connection ever. She should understand that if you want to tell her, and not message you until you say it's okay, however long that takes. 2
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 If you cannot settle for friendship cutting her off for your sanity isn't immature it would be something you needed to do for yourself to move on. Be careful in how much you will give to her now, some girls once they know you like them they will keep you around for favors or emotional support and give very little back not all girls but some if you're going to be friends with her make sure she's going to be a good friend back. 2
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 If you cannot settle for friendship cutting her off for your sanity isn't immature it would be something you needed to do for yourself to move on. Be careful in how much you will give to her now, some girls once they know you like them they will keep you around for favors or emotional support and give very little back not all girls but some if you're going to be friends with her make sure she's going to be a good friend back. When I was ill over xmas, she brought me food twice. She was there for me when I needed it. It was before the second time I told her that I was into her. She is like me, very very extroverted and social, I think she has enough social support. We just have some things in common (my parents were drug addicts, and hers are dead) and we have become very close talking about this stuff. I admire her strength.
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You remind me of the hang-dog faced puppy. You are soo feeding her ego. She knows how you feel about her, has made it amply plain on more than one occasion, that she has no intention or desire to date you - but now she loves the attention, and knows that you will give it to her at the drop of a hat. You, in the meantime, are drooling at her heels like some love-lorn soul, rolling on his back and waiting to be kicked in the nuts.... Go No Contact. You CANNOT - be 'friends' with someone who you would love to be intimate with. It can't be done. You HAVE to drop off her radar and quit being her "whipping-boy gofer...." Let me tell you, the more you do this, the less respect she will have for you, until one day she will run excitedly towards you, hoist your heart aloft with her joyous face, and in the next instant, crush your heart underfoot, as she confides in her whipping boy that she's met this absolutely gorgeous hunky bloke.... 3
Diezel Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Well if you are fine with being just another "girlfriend" to her... then have at it. But trust me, that's about as high on the social scale as you are going to go with her.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Easy Evanescent... I wouldn't say I am her whipping boy. She does love the attention, that is why she has started initiating contact after I put distance between us. I have ignored some very obvious efforts for attention, but what I don't understand, is this intentional? Or is she like this subconsciously? I have remained friends in the past with some girls, most girls I drop off the world to them. However, those ones when I distance myself let the fade happen. The other ones I was able to move on from pretty easily. This is the first time where I have tried to drop from that is now actively maintaining contact with me after I distanced myself. Maybe it's a new type of girl I haven't encountered yet who is more.. attention seeking? than the others... I do not get jealous btw, like I said, I have intimate with 2 girls since her (this was 3 weeks ago that it happened) and have had dates with two other girls.
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 If she is a great friend in return I see no harm and wouldn't consider you a whipping boy, just do whats best for you. 1
Erised Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 If she actually likes you as a person, she will make an effort to maintain the friendship. I don't think it's about attention seeking, if you haven't actually told her you need time away from her. It's about her considering you a friend and behaving in the way one does toward valued friends. 4
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 SHE thinks you're her whipping boy, And yes, I'm sure she loves keeping you around to feed her ego, although if you were to suggest such a thing she would recoil in disdain... But then ask her, therefore, to not contact you at all for 2 weeks.... She won't like that.... She'll do it, but more out of stubborn truculence, rather than because, "of course she can, she doesn't need you..." I still think it best to just leave her be, let her go and ignore.... But hey, if it also feeds your ego (and I don't mean that unkindly) then play the game and enjoy! 2
Zahara Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 "but she doesn't see me like that" When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, you have to listen. With contact she is able to keep that boundary because she knows her feelings and she is absolute in it. You on the other hand, with every bit of contact you keep getting more and more attached. That in itself is indicative of your need to step back. It has nothing to do with being immature but being smart enough to accept it for what it is and realizing that protecting yourself is far better than worrying about "immaturity". You're more concerned about how she views you rather than the possible pain you may feel by remaining in contact. Put yourself first. 5
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 SHE thinks you're her whipping boy, And yes, I'm sure she loves keeping you around to feed her ego, although if you were to suggest such a thing she would recoil in disdain... But then ask her, therefore, to not contact you at all for 2 weeks.... She won't like that.... She'll do it, but more out of stubborn truculence, rather than because, "of course she can, she doesn't need you..." I still think it best to just leave her be, let her go and ignore.... But hey, if it also feeds your ego (and I don't mean that unkindly) then play the game and enjoy! I feel as in someway it does feed my ego. Now she wants my attention; Now I hold something over her! Yeah, actually, her first message was two weeks after I stopped contacting her. Ha, but I think you and Zahara are right, I need to take a step back, force the no contact, even tell her that if she contacts me again. I am notorious for never taking care of myself and being selfish, one of my girlfriends here has told me that I should be selfish about this, for my sake. I have another girlfriend (actually the one that had dinner with us) tell me she can see why I like her, and that she can see that this girl has a genuine care for me, and that I need to see it from her perspective: that it would suck to lose a good friend like me. Because, that I am. Anyway, omei/erised, I think I will stay her friend, just after I take the time I need to heal and move on, emotionally. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 So, I gave it a shot to tell a girl I had a few dates (! well, they seemed like dates, but she was so opaque that I opted to be verbal with my intentions at the end) that I really liked her, thought she was beautiful, and wanted to take her on a date. She was shocked! Apparently buying her a nice dinner and then cooking for her, my intentions weren't dead obvious. Anyway, she said no. Well, we remained friends hanging out from time to time and I feel my attraction just grew. I couldn't help it, had her over with another girl friend of mine, and I cooked for them both, drank a few bottles of wine and played some guitar.. oh wow she has a beautiful voice. Anyway, I couldn't help it and when I walked her out, I told her I was still crazy about her. That I have a lot of options (I do, actually have had dates with 4 other girls since and am sort of seeing one a little more serious now) but that she was the one I wanted. She said she really likes me and enjoys all the time we spend together, but she doesn't see me like that, that she still cherishes me and my friendship. I told her that is fine, but I will still want her when we hang out. Since, I have tried to ignore her, and put distance between us, but she has now started initiating a lot of messages, like 3 days in a row, one day really going into emotional things with me, the one year anniversary of her mothers death. This stuff just makes me feel a deeper and stronger connection with her. It makes me want her more. I compare all the other girls to her. I feel like my only salvation would to be cut it off completely, but the thought of it makes me sad. It also makes me feel immature and childish because I can't just accept the friendship. How does LS feel about such things? Is it acceptable to fade from someone who clearly feels an emotional connection to you, just can't give you what you want? It is immature to FADE from someone regardless of the connection or ability to give what you want. Be direct and tell the person that you don't feel that the two of you are a good match. Wish them all the best and say goodbye. Don't go into details. It's closure for both parties. It's a matter of respect for yourself and the other person. You will be sad for a bit and that's ok. It will pass. Go out and do things you enjoy and don't dwell or focus on it. It's ok to sit with those feelings for a little bit first, but don't wall yourself up for days, weeks, etc. Get on with your life.
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Well, I oddly enough ran into her leaving work today. We talked for a bit and she invited me to hang out next week. I told her I was unsure that it was good for me. That I probably needed some time before we could be friend, because I just can not easily get over her. That I thought it was ****ty to do it but it was something I had to do. She seemed really hurt by it, looked quite sad, but said she understood. That she was sorry about her causing me such distress. Then said it wasn't like she said it would never happen but didn't feel that way yet. I said it's stuff like that exactly is why I needed more time to get over her. These statements give me false hope and that every time we have such deep and emotional conversations, it makes me feel a stronger connection with her. She said she also felt a strong connection with me as well :-/ Either way, I told her when I have moved on with my feelings, I would invite her to do something as a friend. Well, I guess that is that. 3
Zahara Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Good for you. You handled that very well. Now if she contacts you, there is no "immaturity" with ignoring her. She knows the terms and she needs to respects your needs. 1
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 hen said it wasn't like she said it would never happen but didn't feel that way yet. I said it's stuff like that exactly is why I needed more time to get over her. These statements give me false hope and that every time we have such deep and emotional conversations, it makes me feel a stronger connection with her. Good for you not caving into that "maybe someday" line I think you're doing what's best for you and that's very good stick to it! I know it's hard but you can do it 1
Blade96 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) "There's nothing wrong with taking distance and time to yourself and salvaging a friendship at a later date when it's not so emotionally raw. In fact, attempting to continue with your mismatched desires would likely explode in both your faces and lose all possibility for a normal platonic connection ever. She should understand that if you want to tell her, and not message you until you say it's okay, however long that takes." -- I have done this with my LDR ex. Have him on fb, but I told him I can't message him because it hurts (and isn't respectful to the other girl he's seeing cause he does love me, and I believe him I am LD and she's not) He does not mind that. We got along so well together, I do not want to say something that could possibly end our being friends or more or anything. I think you could just tell her this and she'll unnderstand. Tell her She seems like a nice girl you could be friends with. But you just need some time and distance because feelings developed. She'll understand that. Edited January 28, 2015 by Blade96
somedude81 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Since, I have tried to ignore her, and put distance between us, but she has now started initiating a lot of messages, like 3 days in a row, one day really going into emotional things with me, the one year anniversary of her mothers death. This stuff just makes me feel a deeper and stronger connection with her. It makes me want her more. I compare all the other girls to her. I feel like my only salvation would to be cut it off completely, but the thought of it makes me sad. It also makes me feel immature and childish because I can't just accept the friendship. How does LS feel about such things? Is it acceptable to fade from someone who clearly feels an emotional connection to you, just can't give you what you want? Here's what you do. Have her over again, just the two of you. Don't call it a date. Have some wine throughout the night. Then just kiss her. See what happens after that. 1
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Here's what you do. Have her over again, just the two of you. Don't call it a date. Have some wine throughout the night. Then just kiss her. See what happens after that. LOL yeah a nice big slap! or next morning confusion and a ruined friendship lol 5
somedude81 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 LOL yeah a nice big slap! or next morning confusion and a ruined friendship lol Or they have a great night together and live happily ever after.
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 In this day and age, I suspect heavily it will be the former.... 2
Author LoveRefreshed Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 As a guy who typically goes for the kiss, this girl is too guarded to let it happen. Well, it almost did one night, but I can't pull a trigger on such a thing in a bar in front of people. She was leaning into me hard. When we left, she put distance between us that made it impossible to give it a shot. Either way, I won't invite her over. I've made my choice, told her this choice, I'm not going to look weak and desperate for such an action. I have other girls I am seeing already now anyway. Tomorrow and Friday I have dates lined up with girls that seem to be much more interested in me than just a friend... considering one I have already slept with and one that does not shy away from sexual flirtatious messages, ones she often starts on whatsapp. This other girls boat has sailed. She had her chance for more.. and it is what it is now. 4
preraph Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Since you have other girl options, I just recommend you exercise all those options and distract yourself and just not be very available for her until you get interested in someone else. You WILL get interested in someone else. And then you won't care. You'll be like, F her, she has no taste or she'd like me back. She wants to be just friends, so she will now have to stand in line behind your more important girlfriends and dates to get your attention. You owe her nothing and if you just let her run this friendship agenda on you you'll remain too involved. Get busy seeing other women and doing other things and don't be available to her every time she whistles. 2
lovexocoach Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Sounds like you were "friend zoned" by her. Either that or she's just not emotionally available for a relationship. Continue with your other options and date other women. Less emotional for you that way and you're more likely to find someone who values you for who you are and who doesn't frustrate you or hurt you. Good luck! 2
Gloria25 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Lesson learned, don't do too much too soon. Don't waste your time wine/dining these chicks so soon!!! They gotta earn that. Keep first dates/meeting lite and simple. Have coffee/drinks. Take a walk, talk. If she isn't reciprocating romantically then do not elevate the dates. Make her earn it. Come on to easy too soon and you become o'l faithful. Women deep down inside want to be manhandled... There's a difference between the "nice guy" and "good guy". "Nice" guy is a doormat. He tries too hard too soon. He ends up taken advantage of and/or friendzoned. "Good" guy is a gentleman. He opens doors, treats the ladies right, but he ain't no fool. If she isn't reciprocating, at the end of the date, he kisses her on the cheek and tosses her number. 1
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