confused83 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I have a very weird problem, me and the fiance was discussing sex yesterdy because to be honest we do it on average once a week at the very most, shes always said she is shy and not that comfortable around sex because has had a past of being used which i accepted and stuck with her even though its mainly always night time and missionary when ive got a high sex drive its bad enough. Anyway on the way home yesterday in the car we started talking sex and i mentioned how i find it so comfortable with her and so easy to sleep with her and im willing to try almost anything together because feel that safe she then turned round and said a line that has killed the whole relationship for me, she said 'i actually find it easier with someone you dont know over someone you do, its easier to be yourself and not worry about pleasing them'. Now i'm completey different to that, i like sex and prefer sex with someone i love, ive never experimented with any positions really or anything outdoors or basically anything apart with an ex who i was in love with for 3 years. This has shocked and hurt me and i said to her how its made me feel like the reason we dont do anything and experiment and have fun is because i dont relax her enough because she loves me and that hurts me a lot. Yet all the while in my head i cant help now about thinking how shes got a past of cheating on her first ex with someone on a holiday trip away in the back of this random guys car when she was 21 (shes now 27 and says it was a one off she was young, stupid and would never do it again). She has tried to explain how im being insecure and how she thinks the sex we have now she prefers and is the best shes ever had yet i cant help thinking if thats true we'd be doing it more and surely she'd not have just admitted she finds it easier at the start with someone too how easy it should be with me. Correct me if im wrong please but for me with past gf's ive always found it so easy with them and natural and fun, yet first times with someone to me are anxious, not relaxed and awkward. Am i completley wrong to question even staying with her after that line? its completley thrown me and she just says im being insecure.
MJJean Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You may be being insecure, but the truth is that you aren't getting the frequency and variety in your shared sex life that you would like and, frankly, may need. She has a lower libido and is content with the situation. This isn't likely to change. Are you sure you want to be with someone who seems to not be sexually compatible with you and who also seems to have such a different view of relationships and intimacy? 1
Priv Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) 'i actually find it easier with someone you dont know over someone you do, its easier to be yourself and not worry about pleasing them'. That is a rather strange remark since she doesn't seem all that bothered pleasing you... And kinda frightening to think of a lover who rather not has your pleasure in mind. And everything MMJean said. Edited January 28, 2015 by Priv
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 That is a rather strange remark since she doesn't seem all that bothered pleasing you... And kinda frightening to think of a lover who rather not has your pleasure in mind. And everything MMJean said. I don't find it all that strange, really. I used to be an avid hitchhiker. I can't tell you how many times my conversations with total strangers got into such deep personal issues that many times there were even tears! Lots of these conversations ended with them telling me how easy I am to talk to, or " I can't believe I'm telling you all this!" But it wasn't me. I'm nothing special. It was the complete lack of any consequences associated with telling me something. Same with sex. Some of my best romps have been one night stands with someone I just met. Sometimes with a stranger, you get all the good parts of a sexual relationship, with none of the bad parts. I think she was being honest. Granted, it's what makes affairs so tempting, but that's life.
dichotomy Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 The Madonna whore syndrome is very common, and very hard to change. Some women and some men, find it hard to "let go" in loving traditional relationships, and find it easier in casual encounters and sometimes affairs. You are the opposite - the more you care/love someone the more you are willing to open up. ....so you two are complete opposites on sexual expression and love. This is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. Since you are not yet married I Strongly suggest you delay the wedding until the two of you can go through a couples therapist who specializes in sexual therapy. Changing this view (sex and love) is very difficult.
spanz1 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Since you are not yet married I Strongly suggest you delay the wedding until the two of you can go through a couples therapist who specializes in sexual therapy. Changing this view (sex and love) is very difficult. that sounds wise, including you finding out if she has been sleeping with strangers thru your relationship! Her comment suggests there is more going on in her mind than she is letting you know. Sexless?? I would not jump to that conclusion....she might just not be having all that much sex with YOU
Got it Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 She may want to see a therapist or even a sex therapist to work through things. Obviously intimacy is her issue and attachment disorder. Those are not "normal healthy" responses and should want to look further into them.
central Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Your sex life with this woman is highly likely to get worse, and extremely unlikely to improve whatever you do. Are you SURE you want to marry someone who will NEVER be satisfying sexually? And live with frustration for years, maybe all your life? Someone who may well cheat on you for excitement, because it's easier to do things with strangers that with you?
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