SkierChick Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 After 22 years, I left my husband. There were many reasons. We have a difficult 20 year old son that my husband enables; my husband has been depressed for a long time but would not get help; we've been seeing our 3rd couples therapist in 4 years, but husband has not been able to follow through on decisions we have made; our old house has been a work in progress for years - husband is doing the work, but doesn't finish things (he is a stay at home dad); he doesn't really have much of a life outside of me and our kids (daughter is 19, at college)... When I left a month ago, husband texted "Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy?" Now, he sends me nightly emails, with poetry, written to let me know how unhappy he is, how much he misses me, how sorry he is that he didn't listen when I told him what was troubling me about our relationship. He is 10 years older then me. We went for a year without sex, until I told him I was thinking about having an affair because I was unhappy. He made an effort for a few weeks, but then got distracted by our son. I am staying in the guest room of a girlfriend, and I feel relieved and relaxed. Happy even! I've told him that I am taking 3 months to figure out what I want to do. We continue to see our latest therapist. Husband and I have both started seeing our own therapists. I've talked this over with various friends whom I have known for years, and they all think I'm doing the right thing. I don't feel guilty, exactly, but I feel badly that my husband is so miserable. He wants me to tell him what I think of his poetry, wants me to respond to each of his emails and texts, wants to go out to dinner so we can talk away from our son, who is now furious with me. But I just feel uncomfortable as I read what he has written - like the only way he will ever be happy is if I come back. At this point I can't imagine that he can step up and make the kind of changes that would make me want to return. I feel that by not saying our relationship is over, I am encouraging my husband to start to take care of himself, which he needs to do to begin to; but am I really just making things harder?
Mr. Lucky Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You should be honest with him about how you feel. But be prepared for him to either ignore what you say or hear what he wants to. Usually how it goes... Mr. Lucky
Author SkierChick Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Thanks. That is what I have been doing, and I guess he's doing the same. He went through a divorce before we met, which ended abruptly when his wife walked out. The trouble is, I feel like each time he tells me how much he misses me, I take a step back from our relationship. He needs to take care of himself, go to the gym, take a class, do something to get out of the house and be less emotionally reliant on me. I encouraged him to do these things for the last two years and he didn't. Now, with me out of the house, he has more time and I am hoping he will do something with it. Can a separation provide the impetus for a sad spouse to grow? What kicks it into gear? Do I have to decide that I'm never coming back? Or does he just need more time?
workathome Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Why does your husband need to be a stay at home Dad to grown children. He's probably depressed because he doesn't have anything to do. He'll need to get ajob if you divorce. Sounds like he should get one anyway.
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Thanks. That is what I have been doing, and I guess he's doing the same. He went through a divorce before we met, which ended abruptly when his wife walked out. By responding, you're enabling him and offering encouragement.... The trouble is, I feel like each time he tells me how much he misses me, I take a step back from our relationship. He needs to take care of himself, go to the gym, take a class, do something to get out of the house and be less emotionally reliant on me. well, in that case, stop being there for him!! I encouraged him to do these things for the last two years and he didn't. Now, with me out of the house, he has more time and I am hoping he will do something with it. You can hope all you like. While you take up his time and attention, by playing into his moods, you help prevent him from being pro-active... Can a separation provide the impetus for a sad spouse to grow? What kicks it into gear? Why did his ex-wife walk out? Did THAT work? Do I have to decide that I'm never coming back? ...Haven't you already decided that? You're more relaxed, contented, happy.... "I feel relieved and relaxed. Happy even! .....I've talked this over with various friends ...they all think I'm doing the right thing." Or does he just need more time? You have to go complete, total No Contact to find that out. And I strongly suggest you do, because until you take away his prop and emotional crutch (that's you) he will never stand on his own two feet. Red the No Contact Guide, thoroughly, head to foot, and implement it, like a dumper should. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Read the No Contact Guide, thoroughly, head to foot, and implement it, like a dumper should. Guess I disagree, this isn't a high school boyfriend she's dumping but a husband of 20+ years who's clearly struggling. The OP can move ahead with her own life and offer him kindness and support at the same time. I will agree it's important she stay honest and consistent in her message... Mr. Lucky
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 She's his wife, not his therapist. If he's struggling, he should get counselling, therapy, and professional support, not keep leaning on his wife like she's the only place to lean. This needs some outside input, not her sacrificing her own happiness to stick him together. And she needs to withdraw her emotional support and show Wise Compassion - which occasionally, actually means metaphorically slapping someone upside de head to try to demonstrate that what is happening, is NOT working. But to go on as thy both have will merely deepen the situation and just make things down the line, more and more difficult, regarding extraction and detachment....
Mr. Lucky Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 She's his wife, not his therapist. If he's struggling, he should get counselling, therapy, and professional support, not keep leaning on his wife like she's the only place to lean. If only it were that easy, there would be no addicts, no alcoholics, no depressed and lonely people, off they'd all go to therapy to get fixed. Except they don't. Don't think she should offer false hope. What she can do is be honest about her feelings and supportive of any positive changes he makes. Regardless, with two kids, not sure NC is a realistic option... Mr. Lucky
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 NC with children is LC - Limited Contact. And any necessary contact is to deal with the children, and matters relating to the children, and nothing else. Formulas are formulas because they work. And there is plenty of therapy, assistance and support available for the criteria of people you describe. There are plenty of avenues to follow. But it's up to people to locate and find them, and they have to want to.
sandylee1 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Not that it's about the money, but you will probably have to pay spousal support for a while depending on where you live. He's been out of work for a while. Have you fallen out of love with him? Can he do anything to win you back? Do you have any desire for him at all? Sometimes people don't realise what they have until it's gone. Maybe he's regretting not taking any action to fix things. I'm sure he doesn't want a second divorce. If you are done, then couples therapy may be giving him false hope. I
Author SkierChick Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Thanks for the responses. I still don't know exactly what I want - I know things would need to change a lot for me to want to go back. Right now I'm working on myself, and I'm encouraging him to work on himself, and he is finally seeing a therapist. Our son actually sent me a text message today - big step! Honest communication is working. Not easy, but necessary.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I'm encouraging him to work on himself, and he is finally seeing a therapist. Obviously an important step for him whether or not you stay together. Glad to hear he's at least trying. What are you doing for your own mental and physical well-being? Mr. Lucky
Author SkierChick Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 I'm spending time with friends, exercising, taking some html/css classes, and going skiing this weekend. I need to make more money to get my own place. Husband retired due to health issues 10 years ago. 1
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