recycledheart Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we're happily in love and he really is the loveliest guy I've ever met. There's just one thing getting me down at the moment, and that's the fact that he isn't verbally affectionate. He doesn't tend to pay me compliments or say loving things to me. He very rarely tells me that he loves me. I've asked him about it and he said that's he's just not a lovey-dovey, mushy kind of guy. He says he'd much rather show his love with actions - by kissing me, hugging me, holding my hand etc. However (and I have told him this) I suffer with a great deal of anxiety and I need constant reassurance from the the people around me that I'm still wanted/loved. I need it from my friends and family as well, not just my boyfriend. I realise completely that this is my problem, not his. I realise it's me that needs to change, not him. So I'm just looking for some advice - how can I accept that this is just the way he is, how can I work on my anxiety/self-esteem issues so that this is no longer a problem for me? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
neowulf Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) It's a very common problem for a lot of couples. Firstly, you can not change what you require to feel loved. If words of affirmation are what speak to you, then that's just how you're wired. I'd highly recommend reading this; http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156 Basically, the theory goes that each person has a "primary love language". These are; gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. So basically, your boyfriends language is "Acts of Service". Yours appears to be "Words of affirmation". The trick then is to commit to speaking the others language, enough though it doesn't come naturally. In other words, your boyfriend must *learn* to give you words of affirmation. It may not come naturally to him, but it can be done. You can not change what you need to feel loved. He can keep on giving acts of service as much as he likes. That's just not what speaks to you. Likewise, telling your boyfriend he's wonderful won't mean as much to him as you performing acts of service. Cooking him a wonderful meal, or taking care of him when he's sick might mean a hell of a lot more than words. As I said, it's a common problem that causes couples a lot of grief. In the end, love is about giving. If you care about the other person, then it's worth the energy to figure out how to meet their needs. Edited January 28, 2015 by neowulf 6
losangelena Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I agree to some extent with neowulf, that even if it's not natural of him to offer up reassuring words, that's something he can and should work on if that's what you desire and need out of a relationship. But, I think it's good that you recognize your anxiety and perhaps too much need for reassurance. You're right, it's not the job of those around you to make absolutely sure that you feel loved and accepted. Giving that kind of reassurance can be tiring and taxing, and after a while, people aren't going to want to do it. Have you considered going to therapy for your anxiety issues? I see a therapist on a weekly basis, and it really does help. 2
MissBee Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we're happily in love and he really is the loveliest guy I've ever met. There's just one thing getting me down at the moment, and that's the fact that he isn't verbally affectionate. He doesn't tend to pay me compliments or say loving things to me. He very rarely tells me that he loves me. I've asked him about it and he said that's he's just not a lovey-dovey, mushy kind of guy. He says he'd much rather show his love with actions - by kissing me, hugging me, holding my hand etc. However (and I have told him this) I suffer with a great deal of anxiety and I need constant reassurance from the the people around me that I'm still wanted/loved. I need it from my friends and family as well, not just my boyfriend. I realise completely that this is my problem, not his. I realise it's me that needs to change, not him. So I'm just looking for some advice - how can I accept that this is just the way he is, how can I work on my anxiety/self-esteem issues so that this is no longer a problem for me? Any help would be greatly appreciated. This isn't "your problem" or even a problem. In a relationship you should be with someone who complements you. We all have different "love languages", that is the way in which we experience and feel most loved and also how we show it. For some people they need words of affirmation (like you), others like gifts, others need quality time, others needs physical touch etc. Read up on it. There is a book and a website that allows you to test yourself and see where you rank. There are 5 love languages identified by the authors and you get ranked from highest in priority to lowest. For me, my highest ranked top two are physical touch and quality time. I could NOT be happy long term with a man who said affection wasn't his thing or who felt best without making quality time. My best relationships will be with men who also value this OR at the least realize I value it so make an effort because they genuinely care and want me to be happy (not someone halfheartedly doing it just cause I want it). Most of us will need to learn our SO's love language as it may not be our own or something that comes natural to us. If someone loves and cares for you if verbal affirmation is what you need they shouldn't have a problem trying to do more of it, it's not that difficult. Their response shouldn't be "Oh well I don't do that, tough luck." If your partner cannot cater to your love language and respond to you in the ways you feel best loved and cared for the relationship will be strained as you will be resentful or have to secretly downplay your wants and expectations. You will either compromise or realize you can be with someone who will be happy to accommodate your needs. 3
preraph Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I'm not sure he's doing enough because let's face it, all that kissing and hugging is as much to his benefit as to yours! At the same time, if he's considerate in other ways: protects you, helps you when you have a problem, is there when you have car trouble and are sick, etc., then words just shouldn't be that important. You probably need to work on yourself a little with a therapist and find out why you require constant verbal reassurance. Actions are really much more important. I wish you could learn to give your man points for every action he takes to your benefit and let that stand in place of the verbal niceties he'd have to fake and feel foolish for doing so because it's just not him. I once had a guy wish I'd talk to him like I do my dogs, but he's not my baby and I'm not his mommy, so it seems wrong to me. I believe I do have strong ways of complimenting guys, though, sincere ones complimenting them for their accomplishments or patience or whatever, not mushy ones, which always seem fake to me anyway. 1
cheshire_cat Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we're happily in love and he really is the loveliest guy I've ever met. There's just one thing getting me down at the moment, and that's the fact that he isn't verbally affectionate. He doesn't tend to pay me compliments or say loving things to me. He very rarely tells me that he loves me. I've asked him about it and he said that's he's just not a lovey-dovey, mushy kind of guy. He says he'd much rather show his love with actions - by kissing me, hugging me, holding my hand etc. However (and I have told him this) I suffer with a great deal of anxiety and I need constant reassurance from the the people around me that I'm still wanted/loved. I need it from my friends and family as well, not just my boyfriend. I realise completely that this is my problem, not his. I realise it's me that needs to change, not him. So I'm just looking for some advice - how can I accept that this is just the way he is, how can I work on my anxiety/self-esteem issues so that this is no longer a problem for me? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am the complete and total opposite of you. The book about love languages that Neowulf recommended is a good one. I love my BF beyond belief, don't want to imagine my life without him, but 90% of the time he tells me he loves me first, compliments me all the time, is super affectionate...all the thing I am not. My way of showing him I love him is quality time and gifts. He lost his job July of last year and I worked from home that day and invited him over so he wasn't alone. We barely spoke all day, I worked and he applied to new jobs. His best friend told me that was probably the best thing I could have done for him. For Christmas I gave so much thought into something he had mentioned during our relationship that he wanted and I was crafty, snuck into his apt to acquire what I needed and gave him a gift that was thoughtful that he never saw coming. Thats how I show him I love him, quality time and gifts. We show our affection for each other in different ways. He is aware of the way I show I love him and I'm aware of the way he shows he loves me and it works for us. But if what your boyfriend shows you doesn't work for you there is nothing wrong with that. You need the verbalization and you aren't receiving it. The only question I ask is, do you honestly feel that he loves? Is the fact the he isn't verbal about that love the only issue you guys have? 2
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 so he has told you the way he speaks when in love...he shows you....i guess you have to accept that what he says is true and his actions speak louder than his words will....my ex was never verbally affectionate and not publicly affectionate...but he showed me in many ways.......and my love language is time......we managed to know each others needs....and compromised..... his was words actually...he loved getting poetry from me and when i wrote him little love notes he adored them ..he called me often and loved when i whispered words naughty and endearing.......i had enough words for both of us..he was a very soft spoken guy...man of few words but he loved getting words...and we were together a long time...honestly if you love the guy ...you will reach a compromise.....you have to trust what he says is true and his actions do speak louder because that is the way he interacts with you..........deb
Heatemyheart89 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I think you need a chat with your boyfriend and explain to him this is something you need . I think he needs to budge a bit to keep you . I require verbal affection too .My boyfriend is somewhat verbally affectionate , if this drops off I will tell him. I also think you need to work on not needing as much validation etc. I'm trying to do this myself . Good luck
rocketman122 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Something thats inportant to me is touch. Holding hands is the basics for me. Amongst other things as well. I once dated a woman who was great but was not a hand holder. It drove me crazy. I told her once. She tried but said she doesnt know this because she never did it with other guys. I had to walk away because its something Thats important to me. There are other things that are very inportant as well so I understand you completely. I wouldnt be able to continue the relationship. I dont think its you that needs to chnage though.
TigerLilly78 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You cant change you and he cant change him fully you have to work together to find a happy med ground and im sorry but its not that hard to say an "I love you" every once in a while long as you dont require it 24/7 I dont see the problem..
lovexocoach Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Unfortunately there's a conflict between how you want to be loved and how he actually displays his love to/for you. He has a different way of showing his love to you. I'm not sure you can change that. If he treats you well and makes you happy in other aspects of the relationship you'll probably have to accept the way he is. Personally, I'd take actions over words if I had to choose between the two. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we're happily in love and he really is the loveliest guy I've ever met. There's just one thing getting me down at the moment, and that's the fact that he isn't verbally affectionate. He doesn't tend to pay me compliments or say loving things to me. He very rarely tells me that he loves me. I've asked him about it and he said that's he's just not a lovey-dovey, mushy kind of guy. He says he'd much rather show his love with actions - by kissing me, hugging me, holding my hand etc. However (and I have told him this) I suffer with a great deal of anxiety and I need constant reassurance from the the people around me that I'm still wanted/loved. I need it from my friends and family as well, not just my boyfriend. I realise completely that this is my problem, not his. I realise it's me that needs to change, not him. So I'm just looking for some advice - how can I accept that this is just the way he is, how can I work on my anxiety/self-esteem issues so that this is no longer a problem for me? Any help would be greatly appreciated. If you want to accept that he is the way he is, you simply need to accept it. You needing reassurance from everyone you know, is an issue that needs deep exploration on your part and probably a little help from a counselor. This is a deep seeded emotional situation. Some simple things you can do are: 1) Write a list of your accomplishments and things you are proud of. 2) Write a list of things you like about yourself, physically, mentally 3) Write a list of things you do not like about yourself. These are things that you will need to list separately. One side to include those things that you don't like and can do something about and one side to include those things you can't do anything about. 4) Take each thing that you can do something about, and work on one at time. 5) Write a list of things that cause you anxiety. On one side include those things that represent real and intrinsic problems, i.e. money. The other side are those things which are coming from internal sources, things that aren't really an issue but you are worried might happen and then weigh whether or not the likelihood for them to happen exists. 99% of the things people worry about never happen or if they do are not as big or difficult as they were making them out to be in their heads. Be patient with yourself. Also, I would find something to do, like a hobby that you may be good at or try something new to see if you would be good at it. It's a process of exploration and not an event, so don't push yourself too hard. You need to find ways to love yourself first. But, talk with your friends and relatives if you can. Your Mom maybe, tell her what's on your mind about all this. Talking is a very good thing and getting positive feedback helps reinforce things.
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