Involuntary celibate at 38

[incel]

Here is my story.

 

In my childhood, I've been neglected, emotionally humiliated and severely bullied by my parents. Even if I tried to build up and collect my own needs such as food and toys, my parents snatched them from me to force me to live in poverty, while they lived in wealth. I wasn't allowed to express myself either. Laughing or playing resulted in punishment. As a result, I was socially anxious, malnutritioned and had no real friends. The abuse lasted until I ran away from home at age 22.

 

In high school, I was unable to get a girlfriend. I was deeply in love with a girl, but my mother told me I'm not allowed to show interest in girls.

 

In college, I started to build up friendships. Socially, I was doing better than before. I wanted a girlfriend really bad and I got depressed at age 24. I became so lonely and desperate for a girlfriend that I had irresistable urges to commit suicide. One of my female friends noticed it and she gave me my first date, which was a pity date. She had a bf, but her bf told her to date me because he felt sorry for me. Even though the date wasn't sincere, I felt lucky that I was able to eat some leftovers. At the end of that year, a miracle happened. I had my first real girlfriend.

 

My girlfriend didn't want to have sex with me and refused intimacy. As it turned out, she just wanted to use me to pass grades. She dumped me two semesters later, because she passed all tests.

 

Her betrayal sent me straight into a vicious cycle of porn usage and over-masturbation. In the following years, I did have a couple of dates, but nothing that led to a relationship or sex. As time went by, I became more and more socially anxious. I was terrified for girls to find out that I was still a virgin. I kept masturbating to porn to comfort myself. Since my gf dumped me, it's been 14 years of non-stop masturbation to porn. I've become very awkward and shy. I did graduate from college and have a well-paid job, but everyone at work thinks I'm a freak for not having a relationship. The fact that I'm not very socializable doesn't help either.

 

Now, I'm 38. Last year, I started to quit porn and masturbation. It helped a lot to gain a bit more confidence, but I'm not there yet. I went to visit a lot of prostitutes to get rid of my virginity. My severe depression that I had in my 20's and 30's was partially caused by the virginity. Now that I've got that out of the way, I built up a new secret. My 14 years of celibacy will be a huge problem if I would ever get the chance to date again. She will be scared if she finds out that I haven't had a relationship for 14 years. She'll think there's something wrong with me. Of course, there are a lot of people who don't know about involuntary celibacy and try to give me advice that doesn't apply to perpetual celibates. Things like telling me to wait for it to happen. I don't want to use prostitutes too often, because they will make me feel empty inside and even more lonely.

 

Is there anyone among you who are in my situation and want to share experiences on how you deal with this?

[Farid]

I'm not in your situation but I think I have some advice to give:

 

- Don't feel bad for masturbating. Everybody does it. Even happy couples.

 

- If you date a girl, don't be afraid that she'll somehow know that you are an involuntary celebrate. (If you are nervous that you'll have a "failure to launch" because of nerves, pop a Viagra. You can get it from internet easily).

 

- Go and take a lot of nice pictures. Be shameless and take many selfies like you are a movie star. Open accounts on as much dating sites as possible; Visit websites where they give you advice on how to approach women online (in case you are afraid of creeping them out)

 

- Sometimes, age can work to your benefit. With you that is the case.

Women around your age usually don't go from one man to another every month and they are much more approachable.

 

- In bars and cafés, be shameless and approach women. If you don't dare to do it in your own hometown, go to a different town and practice. Watch a lot of Pick Up Artist videos and practice, practice, practice! Do Not let your ego, or fear of failure stop you. Fail, do it again, and fail again, do it again and fail again. You can only fail so much. The benefit of failing: your ego will be kicked around so much that you won't care if a women blows you off. You'll just move to the next one like nobodies business.

 

- Don't pity yourself. For God's sake whatever you do Do Not pity yourself. There is nothing less sexy than that and women smell it from miles away.

 

I can say only this much my friend. The rest is on you to kick yourself on the butt and be a man!

Edited January 28, 2015 by Farid

[preraph]

I'm very sorry your sad past led to this predicament and I'm sure you feel cheated out of your 20s. I like that you've made strides to try to break out of the porn cycle you're in because that could keep you from moving forward. I know it's a bit different, but there are SO many women over 40 who are celibate because men just don't approach them anymore. Celibate for years, too. You should push yourself to do some activities, anything where women participate, whether it's bowling or taking a cooking class or tennis or golf, or take a volunteer position only working maybe 2-4 hours a week doing something where you'll meet other volunteers. Obviously, working with kids, you'll meet a lot of caring mothers, but also pet rescue is a great source for meeting women. You can volunteer to do things at church, the zoo, anywhere. Look for listings in google for your town and any local newspapers. Shy people need a "job" that gives them a purpose to talk to people. You could even join a Lion's Club or that type thing. The numbers are with you for dating women around 40. And a mature woman is going to be more understanding when you finally get around to telling her your story. But the first few dates, all you need to tell her is never been married, long time since a relationship. Once you build trust, you can tell her your story.

[mario_C]

It's unfortunate there's no support system for "incels" in society or even online, which is leading to a lot of the angry young boys (MRAs being the most extreme) which is turning into a real problem. They are getting a lot of bad advice from creepy PUAs and chauvinists instead of people who can guide them out of the wilderness.

I can only suggest to the OP that he first get some therapy to get past his abusive upbringing. And then there's the communication skills, which Toastmasters can help with.

I have to disagree with a poster and say, be wary of bars - women are on their guard against creepy pickup guys and can be very hurtful and vicious if they sense that from you. Join Meetup and look for friends (male and female) who share your interests, whatever they may be. They can be invaluable resources in getting yourself socialized and feeling better about life, too.

Good luck, we all need it.

[PinkElephants]

I have to disagree with a previous poster. Selfies are for teenage girls, not full grown men. It's not classy.

 

Please, whatever you do, don't try pick up artists! It's terrible advice that will chase away decent women.

 

And don't feel the need to pump yourself full of drugs. Plenty of women will be happy to be your "training wheels". I did it once with great pleasure because it's rare and exciting to introduce an inexperienced man to new things

 

I second the suggestion of therapy and I hope that with help and support you can break the cycle you're in. Don't feel ashamed of who you are or your past when it comes to women because I know there are those out there who will value you and treat you with patience.