I've been dating a man for a month now, is it time to take down the profile?

[Gaeta]

I don't want to disappoint you but many many online encounters don't make it past 3 dates (or 4 it's the same).

 

I think him making changes in his profile, his uninterested-vague answer about it being hidden, his lack of interest to do something with you this weekend, indicates that with time his interest is fading.

 

If you run after him it won't help.

 

If I were you I would keep on browsing on the net, I would not hide my profile until HE brings it up and I would definitely make other contacts.

[Septemberblue]

Actually, he didn't make a change in his profile. It's the same as it was when I met him. It just wasn't hidden when I met him and now it is and his reason as to why didn't make any sense.

 

It's funny though because he still talks like he is interested still. When we woke up Sunday we laid in bed for an hour just caressing each other. When we text each other he says little things (like the gift thing from my first post) that gives me the impression that he's sticking around. We went to a play on our first date and he still has the program and he said he was "keeping it for nostalgia reasons." Why would you do that with someone you don't have feelings for if you're saying in your profile that you want a relationship and you don't want to "play any games" (he said that to me)?

 

If he wants to call it quits that's fine. I just need him to be a man and say it and not disappear. I'm giving him one week and if it's more of the same then I'm out.

[Gaeta]

Actually, he didn't make a change in his profile. It's the same as it was when I met him. It just wasn't hidden when I met him and now it is and his reason as to why didn't make any sense.

Sorry I thought he had added a sentence in his profile.

 

It's funny though because he still talks like he is interested still. When we woke up Sunday we laid in bed for an hour just caressing each other. When we text each other he says little things (like the gift thing from my first post) that gives me the impression that he's sticking around. We went to a play on our first date and he still has the program and he said he was "keeping it for nostalgia reasons." Why would you do that with someone you don't have feelings for

You are not suppose to have feelings for someone you have seen 3-4 times. You are suppose to develop interest and attraction. He did that because at the time that is how he felt at the moment.

 

 

if you're saying in your profile that you want a relationship and you don't want to "play any games" (he said that to me)?

I am not saying he did not mean those things when he said them. At the time he felt that way. Feelings change. Sometimes you see someone and you are super excited about them for 3-4 dates then it fades out or someone else gets in the picture and you feel more chemistry with them so you've got to work through who you prefer. That is a process that is allowed. It's called 'dating'.

 

If he wants to call it quits that's fine. I just need him to be a man and say it and not disappear. I'm giving him one week and if it's more of the same then I'm out.

 

I think you are jumping the gun. Sit back, let him come to you, keep busy. Put your profile back on visible. You are not exclusive, when you brought it up he avoided a clear understanding between you 2 about your profiles so...visible again!

[Gaeta]

Forgot: It's your business but I think it's better you don't keep him overnight anymore until a relationship is established. Sharing your bedroom, the room we have the most private in our home, is a privilege and he had not earned it yet.

[Septemberblue]

You are not suppose to have feelings for someone you have seen 3-4 times. You are suppose to develop interest and attraction. He did that because at the time that is how he felt at the moment.

That moment was literally 4 days ago. And he said that gift thing Monday. That seems fast to me.

 

Edit: Also, I can see when he was last on the site and it was Monday afternoon.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Septemberblue

[bohica]

I wouldn't assume anything. I tend to be a one women at a time kind of guy. Ive been on dating sites. If I like someone a lot and start seeing them I am naturally inclined NOT to pay any attention to my dating profile at all so for me it doesn't matter. That said, take it down when you feel ready to. It doesn't matter when and no talk needs to take place. If you find yourself in a mutually exclusive relationship then it's only right that both parties take it down.

 

As a side note: I think it's better not to be connected through social media. For one, it can cause problems and two most importantly it is so much better (for a lot of reasons) getting to know how someone thinks and there stance on all of life's topics through face to face intercommunication rather then via social media posts.

Edited January 29, 2015 by bohica

[losangelena]

Wait, I'm confused. What makes you think he's losing interest? Because he hasn't planned anything with you this weekend yet? I feel like maybe you are jumping the gun a bit. In your original post, you said things were going great and that you were wondering when to have "the talk." Now you're giving him a week?

 

If you like him, reach out! Ask him if he wants to go out. I had to do something similar with my guy at the beginning. We'd had four dates (had had sex, as well), and after date four I noticed that he was reaching out less and had failed to plan a weekend date. I too was about ready to jettison everything, but instead, took a deep breath, asked if he'd like to meet me that next Tuesday, and everything has gone smoothly since.

 

Who knows why people do what they do, OP. We tend to want to look at certain behaviors as signifiers of interest or disinterest, when sometimes they just are what they are. His lack of initiating this week MIGHT mean something, just a him keeping the playbill of the show you saw MIGHT mean something, but neither of them signify someone's true level of interest or long-term commitment.

 

You have agency in this relationship. Try not to sit around and just ruminate on what he may or may not be thinking/feeling. Instead, express how you feel, and see how he reacts.

[Septemberblue]

Wait, I'm confused. What makes you think he's losing interest? Because he hasn't planned anything with you this weekend yet? I feel like maybe you are jumping the gun a bit. In your original post, you said things were going great and that you were wondering when to have "the talk." Now you're giving him a week?

 

If you like him, reach out! Ask him if he wants to go out. I had to do something similar with my guy at the beginning. We'd had four dates (had had sex, as well), and after date four I noticed that he was reaching out less and had failed to plan a weekend date. I too was about ready to jettison everything, but instead, took a deep breath, asked if he'd like to meet me that next Tuesday, and everything has gone smoothly since.

 

Who knows why people do what they do, OP. We tend to want to look at certain behaviors as signifiers of interest or disinterest, when sometimes they just are what they are. His lack of initiating this week MIGHT mean something, just a him keeping the playbill of the show you saw MIGHT mean something, but neither of them signify someone's true level of interest or long-term commitment.

 

You have agency in this relationship. Try not to sit around and just ruminate on what he may or may not be thinking/feeling. Instead, express how you feel, and see how he reacts.

 

 

You know what? I think I needed that. People like me (introverts) tend be so much in our own heads that we look for the bad in EVERYTHING. He stopped contacted me everyday (even thought I didn't even give him the TIME TO contact me) so I panicked. He didn't ask me out for the weekend and I'm really to leave. I'm stressing myself out SO much that its easier to leave than to clam down a little.

 

Also, I went through a situation somewhat like this before with a man where I put too much effort and he didn't put in any. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again. And the first sign of trouble and I'm ready to leave.

 

It could also be that because he's an introvert as well that he could have thought that he was doing too much too fast (hiding is profile, adding me on Facebook the first week, calling me everyday, asking me to stay over on our second date even though he knew there would be no sex, calling me baby when we're making out, cooking for me) and is letting me talk control for a while.

[bohica]

The gift comment could have been him just being playful. He likes you.

 

I think at this stage it's ok to ask him to get together. Just be casual about it. You'll know more by his answer then by just sitting around mixed up in your own head.

 

I stick by my thoughts regarding social media (facebook).

[Redhead14]

Hello,

I've been see a man for a month now on POF and things have been going great. We haven't had sex yet because I told him I wanted to wait until we were in a relationship. He says he's okay with that but we have went to 3 base with each other. I try to talk to him everyday but over the past week I noticed that I been initiating more (out of the past 7 days he texted me first 3 times) and we've been on 4 dates so far, 3 of them have been sleepovers.

 

I was looking at my profile today and I noticed that he has hidden his profile. I hid mine today as well. This has prompted me to think it's time for a talk with him to take it down completely. I don't want to move too soon but with the way our intimacy is going we're going to end up having sex soon and I want to have a talk soon before that happens.

 

Any advice on what I should do?

 

Thanks.

 

Titbits of info that could mean nothing...

 

I had a little minor thing yesterday (burnt myself with Nair) and I told him about. He said, "Scratching Nair off my possible gift list". like one day he's going to by me a gift. I thought it was cute.

 

He posted some stuff about his job today and I liked it and commented. He liked my commented but didn't text me hello yet.

 

Four dates and 3 sleepovers? You are moving entirely too fast here. First of all, you put yourself in a very unsafe position with a virtual stranger.

 

Telling a man you want to wait to have sex until you are in a relationship and then allowing a "3rd base" level of intimacy and staying over 3 out of the first 4 dates, is sending a mixed message of epic proportions.

 

You are already too invested in this and setting yourself up for being hurt big time. When you mentioned being in a relationship before sex, did he say he was even looking for a relationship?

 

What you should do first, before you have sex or bring up exclusivity, is to make sure you two are on the same page in terms of your dating goals. You may find he wants something casual that includes sex and not looking for a real or lasting relationship.

 

If you had that talk already, then you should talk about exclusivity before you have sex. You can do it afterward, but you are then in a position of backpedaling.

 

As for your profile, I'd leave it up until things are clear. Just because he hid his doesn't mean he decided you're the one. He may have hidden because there is someone else . . .

[BluEyeL]

Honestly, to me "3rd base" is sex. I am amazed how many women here say they didn't have sex with the guy, but they had oral sex. That's sex, you did have sex. In the beginning don't get naked and have dates in public, period.

[Septemberblue]

When you mentioned being in a relationship before sex, did he say he was even looking for a relationship?

 

 

If you had that talk already, then you should talk about exclusivity before you have sex. You can do it afterward, but you are then in a position of backpedaling.

 

I think I've answered both of these thing but yes, he did say he was looking for a relationship (he knows I don't want a casual thing, I've said that a few times to him an he understood) and yes, we will talk about exclusivity before having sex.

[losangelena]

You know what? I think I needed that. People like me (introverts) tend be so much in our own heads that we look for the bad in EVERYTHING. He stopped contacted me everyday (even thought I didn't even give him the TIME TO contact me) so I panicked. He didn't ask me out for the weekend and I'm really to leave. I'm stressing myself out SO much that its easier to leave than to clam down a little.

 

Also, I went through a situation somewhat like this before with a man where I put too much effort and he didn't put in any. I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again. And the first sign of trouble and I'm ready to leave.

 

It could also be that because he's an introvert as well that he could have thought that he was doing too much too fast (hiding is profile, adding me on Facebook the first week, calling me everyday, asking me to stay over on our second date even though he knew there would be no sex, calling me baby when we're making out, cooking for me) and is letting me talk control for a while.

 

Girl, I am with you. I am the exact same way, especially early in relationships. I worry about EVERYTHING.

 

It's good that you recognize that about yourself. When I get all in my head like that, I call a friend, one who understands my habit of overanalyzing. One thing I try NOT to do is reveal that side to the guy I'm dating. Not in a "let me hide this part of myself" kind of way, but because my freak outs don't really have much to do with him, they have more to do with my own insecurities, and I need to find a way to work those out without taking it out on him.

 

Anyway, ask him out. It's the 21st century; you've already been physical. There's no need to sit around and wonder. Make room for reciprocity in your relationship. He might appreciate your expressions of interest. He might also be a clueless Luddite (like my guy is/was).

 

ALSO: don't give yourself too hard a time for getting physical with him, as some on here are saying. Yes it happened, he's still around, don't worry.

[Redhead14]

Honestly, to me "3rd base" is sex. I am amazed how many women here say they didn't have sex with the guy, but they had oral sex. That's sex, you did have sex. In the beginning don't get naked and have dates in public, period.

 

There was a famous incident years ago, after which, the President of the United States said: "I did not have sex with that woman". Plausible deniability?

 

A woman does everything else but intercourse and then claims she doesn't have sex with men until she is in a relationship. It's about accountability and something that men say women lack. This is one reason why . . . .

[Septemberblue]

Girl, I am with you. I am the exact same way, especially early in relationships. I worry about EVERYTHING.

 

It's good that you recognize that about yourself. When I get all in my head like that, I call a friend, one who understands my habit of overanalyzing. One thing I try NOT to do is reveal that side to the guy I'm dating. Not in a "let me hide this part of myself" kind of way, but because my freak outs don't really have much to do with him, they have more to do with my own insecurities, and I need to find a way to work those out without taking it out on him.

 

Anyway, ask him out. It's the 21st century; you've already been physical. There's no need to sit around and wonder. Make room for reciprocity in your relationship. He might appreciate your expressions of interest. He might also be a clueless Luddite (like my guy is/was).

 

ALSO: don't give yourself too hard a time for getting physical with him, as some on here are saying. Yes it happened, he's still around, don't worry.

 

Thanks for your help on this it's appreciated.

 

And I don't give not one bit a damn what someone had to say about my sex life. At the end of the day it's none of their business what I do.

[Gaeta]

And I don't give not one bit a damn what someone had to say about my sex life. At the end of the day it's none of their business what I do.

 

You realized she was right about it that is why you are offended. It was not meant to be judgmental over if you should or should not have sex. It was to clarify to you that even though you are under the impression you did not have sex - oral sex IS having sex. If you sexually gratify each other it IS having sex. Of course you can have sex all your little heart wish, but don't call it 'no sex'.

[Septemberblue]

You realized she was right about it that is why you are offended. It was not meant to be judgmental over if you should or should not have sex. It was to clarify to you that even though you are under the impression you did not have sex - oral sex IS having sex. If you sexually gratify each other it IS having sex. Of course you can have sex all your little heart wish, but don't call it 'no sex'.

 

LOL I'm not going to argue with you about the definition of sex. You feel how you want and I'll do what I want.

[alphamale]

you don't own him just yet

[me85]

A month of seeing each other and you want him to fully commit? Um, that's not entirely realistic these days. While I fully understand that you don't want to have meaningless sex with him and have sex before he is officially your guy, you do seem kind of demanding a little bit. It's only been a month. You should wait longer to get to know this guy before jumping into a full blown relationship with him. But that is just my opinion. Do what you feel is best for you. Good luck!

[Redhead14]

Thanks for your help on this it's appreciated.

 

And I don't give not one bit a damn what someone had to say about my sex life. At the end of the day it's none of their business what I do.

 

It is a fact that you should do whatever you are comfortable with. However, there are often unintended consequences to be dealt with later. I am not criticizing your choices.

 

All of us here offer opinions, views, experiences, reflections which other people can read and apply according to their own styles and unique lives.

 

However, it seems that you found someone who shares your views and that's ok. But the majority of people here have an opposing view or attitude. You chose the one closest to your attitude.

 

This can also be compared to the person who goes to 10 doctors until they get the diagnosis they want.

[Septemberblue]

It is a fact that you should do whatever you are comfortable with. However, there are often unintended consequences to be dealt with later. I am not criticizing your choices.

 

All of us here offer opinions, views, experiences, reflections which other people can read and apply according to their own styles and unique lives.

 

However, it seems that you found someone who shares your views and that's ok. But the majority of people here have an opposing view or attitude. You chose the one closest to your attitude.

 

This can also be compared to the person who goes to 10 doctors until they get the diagnosis they want.

 

 

...what are you even TALKING about?! lol I didn't even ask if you, or anybody else, what you thought about if oral sex was sex. Your opinion differs from mine, no biggie. I would have said thank you to her no matter what because she helped me work through the actual problem (which was my own insecurities). That's on you if you want to comment on something that's so trivial and does not add to the discussion and it will mean nothing to me in the end.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Septemberblue

[Septemberblue]

AAAAAANNNNNDDD he just texted me.

 

I know I shouldn't be this happy but... :bunny::bunny: LOL

[Redhead14]

...what are you even TALKING about?! lol I didn't even ask if you, or anybody else, what you thought about if oral sex was sex. Your opinion differs from mine, no biggie. I would have said thank you to her no matter what because she helped me work through the actual problem (which was my own insecurities). That's on you if you want to comment on something that's so trivial and does not add to the discussion and it will mean nothing to me in the end.

 

I did not intend to anger you. I apologize for that. It's just that sex early on complicates the ability to let a relationship grow naturally if that is what you are hoping for.

 

I will leave you with this analogy to give you some perspective:

 

Dating is similar to trying to coax a rabbit to allow you to get near. You put out some food, not all you have for them, and back away. And, don't rush at them. Put more food out and back away. Eventually, if they like the food enough, they will keep coming back and allow you to get closer to them. If they don't, it's simply that the food was good enough to fill up on, but it's really not what they like.

[Erised]

A woman does everything else but intercourse and then claims she doesn't have sex with men until she is in a relationship. It's about accountability and something that men say women lack. This is one reason why . . . .

 

 

I totally don't consider oral sex, sex. Different risks.

 

I don't think when and who I've had sex with really matters so long as its safe, though. It's something for enjoyment, and if I have sex, it's because I want sex, not a relationship, or anything. And I'm confused by people who act like sex is a powerplay to obtain an entirely different objective.

 

Open communication about everything (including relationship goals) is awesome though!

[Redhead14]

I totally don't consider oral sex, sex. Different risks.

 

I don't think when and who I've had sex with really matters so long as its safe, though. It's something for enjoyment, and if I have sex, it's because I want sex, not a relationship, or anything.

 

Open communication about everything (including relationship goals) is awesome though!

 

There is no difference in risk between oral sex and intercourse. There is an exchange of bodily fluids (unless of course the parties use a condom. And women who perform oral on a man using a condom often suffer a reaction to the latex and the mouth becomes irritated, so people don't always do that. If the man performs oral on a woman, there isn't anything to protect them. There are some items which can be used on the vagina, but I doubt people use them much because they aren't as readily available in stores). The fluids contain the virus or disease.