Does the "7 year itch" exist outside of marriage? If yes, can it be resolved?

[fluidian]

I've been in a relationship for the past 8.5 years. Generally the relationship has been pretty great, except for the past few months when the dynamic seems to have changed a bit. In a recent conversation with her, she had mentioned things such as somethings you do are becoming annoying, sex has waned, mention of growing apart, and growing differences between our interests, and a variety of other claims that seem to be described in context of the "7 year itch". I'm wondering if this phenomenon is real, if it can happen outside of marriage, and if it's occurring, if there's anything that can be done to help reverse it, or if all is lost.

 

Thoughts would be awesome. Thanks!

[alphamale]

yes and no

[Mal78]

I've been in a relationship for the past 8.5 years. Generally the relationship has been pretty great, except for the past few months when the dynamic seems to have changed a bit. In a recent conversation with her, she had mentioned things such as somethings you do are becoming annoying, sex has waned, mention of growing apart, and growing differences between our interests, and a variety of other claims that seem to be described in context of the "7 year itch". I'm wondering if this phenomenon is real, if it can happen outside of marriage, and if it's occurring, if there's anything that can be done to help reverse it, or if all is lost.

 

Thoughts would be awesome. Thanks!

 

It has been determined that there is a spike/rise in divorces around the 7 year mark so there might to be some truth in that.

 

That said, I wouldn't bet or anticipate it. All relationships have fluxes and dry spells. Usually it's because "life happens" and it's forgotten to reconnect over a length of time. This causes rifts, wedges and "growing apart".

 

I honestly see it as a ego competition. Each partner is waiting for the other to make the first move, to initiate, to woe, to romance...ect

 

Both feel entitled and won't back down and put that first effort. Then time goes on and it becomes near impossible for either to surrender. Then it turns into a Web of other issues.

[Arieswoman]

My first marriage lasted 8 years from start to finish because my exH cheated after 7 years (almost to the day) so i guess I fall into the statistics quoted in the last post by Mal78

 

The seven-year itch - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

This article refers to the UK ;-

 

More couples surviving the seven-year itch: Early divorce risk lowest since 70s | Daily Mail Online

 

and in USA where you met your spouse seems to matter...

 

How You Meet Your Spouse Matters -

[fluidian]

yes and no

 

Thanks for the response - anything interesting to add, or just intentionally vague?

[spanz1]

I personally believe it is real, genetically programmed into humans. but such urges can be overridden by a thinking person.

[jackslife]

Your post doesn't give much information about your relationship. However, you have said you aren't married. So what is the relationship doing? As woody allen said "A relationship is like a shark it needs to keep moving forward, what we have on our hands is a dead shark."

 

Do you both agree on what you want and what you are doing together. I'm not advising you rush off, get married and start making babies. That will solve nothing. But maybe you need to sit down and decide where you are going together. Don't get married for the sake of it, but a marriage creates a form of plan. Meet, date, get engaged, get married, have babies... the relationship keeps moving. Not always successfully, but it is moving. What is yours doing?

[fluidian]

Your post doesn't give much information about your relationship. However, you have said you aren't married. So what is the relationship doing?

 

Jackslife,

 

That's a great question - what is the relationship doing?

 

Well, we have been doing an LDR for about 3 years, and had plans to co-locate in a few months (we talked about coordinating it starting in the March-June time frame, and ideally be together some time in the summer). We had lived together for brief stints before - for up to 3 months (then I left for business school), and things generally seemed great. For the time being, we had generally been seeing each other every 2 weeks and going on a variety of trips together throughout the year (this past year we did a week in Italy, 1.5 weeks in Ecuador and the Galapagos, 4 days in Boston, 5 days in San Diego, 3 days in Wisconsin - similar story for the duration of the LDR). So overall we probably spent 80-90 days together over the year - which is obviously a small number relatively to what it would be if we were living together, but not a small number either. Conversation between visits, however, was not not substantial - probably an hour/week...

 

While this post was obviously geared toward the "7 year itch", I think there may also be fear of commitment issues (which I think I had at some point, but have gotten over, and I think they could be now surfacing in her (prior to me, she had never had a relationship last more than ~3 months)). This post was focused on "the itch", because she seemed to be exhibiting more of those attributes/factors, but certainly seems to be exhibiting some fear of commitment issues recently as well.

 

To me it seems like a lot of these issues can be resolved via counseling (but that's a total guess - they just seem like they would be common counselor topics), and given that we've had ~8 years together that were seemingly happy, it seems like it may be worth putting a bit of effort in - at least to ensure we don't just throw it all away too easily. At the same time, though, communication about feelings and emotions was never amazing, so it's possible that I have been perceiving the relationship different than she has over the past several years, in which case it would have been ~8 years that seemed decent to me, but could have been much different to her.

[pink_sugar]

We're almost at our 7 year mark and things have actually been better than ever as far as our relationship goes.

[BeatsByDirk]

I know the time thing seems like something you don't want I give up on but with so much of the last few years being LDR I don't know if it's worth trying salvage when you don't even live in the same city. She might have met someone else too but the situation you guys are in sounds perfect for someone with commitment fears/issues now that it looks like it could be serious forever it makes sense that she would start back tracking now.

 

 

I've been with my wife 7 years in May. I'm soooooo sick of her!!!

[loveboid]

Doesn't sound like a strong relationship to me. Part-time. I don't believe this is 7-year itch.

 

If she's young and wants marriage/family she's wasting her youth and childbearing years. How old is she?

[fluidian]

Doesn't sound like a strong relationship to me. Part-time. I don't believe this is 7-year itch.

 

If she's young and wants marriage/family she's wasting her youth and childbearing years. How old is she?

 

LoveBoid,

 

It could be the marriage/child thing (she turns 38 in March), but I've never once had the impression that she really wants either...if anything she has made it seem like she doesn't want kids and that marriage is more of an afterthought as opposed to a goal. While this was recently stated, it's been my impression for years (and was likely stated a long time ago as well - I just don't remember). Moreover she was never one to really make stuff up or lie - so unless it was for some reason a long con, I tend to think this is her actual view...she's very career focused. I suppose this view may tend to provide further support for a fear of commitment challenge...

[loveboid]

I cannot say this is a great relationship if you are in childbearing years and you do not even know her views on having children. To me this means you must not care that much about her.

 

This relationship, if you can call it that...there are Other Women who spend more time with their Married Men...is dead on arrival to me.

 

It seems to me you're having an affair without bothering to be married.

 

I don't buy the fear of commitment thing because I feel when people are ready and find someone they commit. I don't think it's a fear. I think you don't want to.

[d0nnivain]

Recognize that it's an illusion. Make a list of all the reasons why your marriage is wonderful & then act like. Make sure to continue to date your spouse & to "play" with them. On vacation last week DH & I had such a good time behaving like children, splashing in the ocean, taking silly pictures, feeding each other at dinner.

[Broom]

Seems there is a disconnect on what you both want. One side is going to have to give in to the other one's wishes.

 

You either have kids or you don't.

[alphamale]

Thanks for the response - anything interesting to add, or just intentionally vague?

i really can't say because i suffer from the 7 week itch