Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 I think you didn't divorce him when he wanted because you didn't want to go out alone and wanted someone in the wings to give you a soft landing. What do you mean. BY this.?
autumnnight Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You are sadly mistaking if you think your daughter won't know, or already doesn't even if she doesn't fully understand it. My son was 5 when my wife started her affair over the years he figured it out and last summer he wanted answers some 9 years later. Don't fool yourself. I think this is something you should heed. There is a particular type of personality that revels in this kind of thing, and if the way you have described your marriage is accurate, then your husband is ABSOLUTELY the kind of man who will relish telling your daughter exactly what you did. Oh, he'll wrap it up in nobility, but he'll let her know. I would recommend talking with her honestly and in an age appropriate manner about all of it. BTW, I do NOT mean to imply that DKT is that kind of man. He is one of the good ones. 1
loveboid Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 What do you mean. BY this.? When he wanted divorce you were scared of being alone, supporting yourself, so you waited until you found someone to help support you. A lot of people do this. It's called an exit affair because the affair helps them leave the marriage, emotionally, financially, etc. 1
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 When he wanted divorce you were scared of being alone, supporting yourself, so you waited until you found someone to help support you. A lot of people do this. It's called an exit affair because the affair helps them leave the marriage, emotionally, financially, etc. Actually when he wanted the divorce 6 years ago I was confused, up to that point we had no problems. We got along great and had fun...I was totally in love and heart broken, it was awful. He told me he just fell out of love and was sorry. I begged him to stay because I couldn't bear losing him. True story. As far as financial I make good money, I can support myself if needed to. This guy live 1000 miles away, he is not supporting me
loveboid Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) Oh gawd, just let him go already. You begged him to stay and then you had an affair on him? Do you see why he probably hates your guts? Edited January 28, 2015 by loveboid exasperation 4
Mr. Lucky Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 My cheating did not break up the marriage, agreed it's not the way it should have ended but it happened. It's ok that he has called me awful names in front of my child and others. .? d I think what some are reacting to is your insistence on connecting those two things. Your husband's inexcusable abuse doesn't support or justify your decision to cheat. Dump his *ss, sure. Be unfaithful (to yourself as well), no... Mr. Lucky
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Oh gawd, just let him go already. You begged him to stay and then you had an affair on him? Do you see why he probably hates your guts? It's more than that but thanks. I'm pretty sure he's been unfaithful as well. Just can't prove it.. I caught him going out with a friend if mine he says nothing happened, this wAs years ago. I'm almost pos he cheated first
Biere123 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Your relationship is so damaged with the trust issues, abuse issues, infidelity, etc. that it has to cause mental instability for you, your husband, and your child. It is selfish of you to stay together, for the sake of the child, if anything. I'm sure she has already been affected, and the longer you drag this out, the more pain it will cause for everyone. 1
DKT3 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 It's more than that but thanks. I'm pretty sure he's been unfaithful as well. Just can't prove it.. I caught him going out with a friend if mine he says nothing happened, this wAs years ago. I'm almost pos he cheated first Now this is just justification. You say that he every so often asked you for a divorce, yet you kept begging him to stay. Now that you got this new (old) guy you want out. That is what loveboid is talking about. When you didn't have someone there to ease your landing you wanted to stay in the marriage. Now your talking like its been died for years. Plain and simple, you now want out because you would like to explore this new relationship. No matter what your saying about it won't work, your hoping it will. How else would you know he wouldn't move back, unless the conversation has come up. I know I keep hounding you on this point, that's because it will be a huge issue for you down the line. Your not being honest with yourself so your message is conflicting. I even starting to doubt how bad your husband really was in the marriage, I wonder what his side of the story would sound like. 1
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Now this is just justification. You say that he every so often asked you for a divorce, yet you kept begging him to stay. Now that you got this new (old) guy you want out. That is what loveboid is talking about. When you didn't have someone there to ease your landing you wanted to stay in the marriage. Now your talking like its been died for years. Plain and simple, you now want out because you would like to explore this new relationship. No matter what your saying about it won't work, your hoping it will. How else would you know he wouldn't move back, unless the conversation has come up. I know I keep hounding you on this point, that's because it will be a huge issue for you down the line. Your not being honest with yourself so your message is conflicting. I even starting to doubt how bad your husband really was in the marriage, I wonder what his side of the story would sound like. It did come up, only because before we started what we did he was separating and I asked if he would move back here and he said never, he likes his job and the weather so I don't want out because of him at all. I am not exploring a new relationship with him, seriously. We will never be in a relationship , I am sure of that.
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 Now this is just justification. You say that he every so often asked you for a divorce, yet you kept begging him to stay. Now that you got this new (old) guy you want out. That is what loveboid is talking about. When you didn't have someone there to ease your landing you wanted to stay in the marriage. Now your talking like its been died for years. Plain and simple, you now want out because you would like to explore this new relationship. No matter what your saying about it won't work, your hoping it will. How else would you know he wouldn't move back, unless the conversation has come up. I know I keep hounding you on this point, that's because it will be a huge issue for you down the line. Your not being honest with yourself so your message is conflicting. I even starting to doubt how bad your husband really was in the marriage, I wonder what his side of the story would sound like. And FYI my husband has admitted he treated me awful, he said he realized it too late, when his family friends and co workers know how he was to me, I'm not making it up. So he would tell you he was an ass...he is fully aware he pushed me away. He says it
oldshirt Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You aren't going to convince anyone that having an A even in a dying/dead marriage is ok and justified. The best that you can hope for is that no one really cares either way. If you find your marriage toxic and a detriment to your well being then just get attorney, work out the parameters and file and move along. If you stick your tongue down someone's throat on your way out as you are turning off the lights and closing the door behind you, I couldn't care less, but many people have a real issue with that and you'll never convince them otherwise. IMHO I think taking him up on the offer of MC for the reasons I discussed earlier but that's your call. If your mind is made up to end the marriage, then end the marriage. Anything else you do between now and then is just muddying the waters and making things more complicated and creating more points of conflict. 2
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 You aren't going to convince anyone that having an A even in a dying/dead marriage is ok and justified. The best that you can hope for is that no one really cares either way. If you find your marriage toxic and a detriment to your well being then just get attorney, work out the parameters and file and move along. If you stick your tongue down someone's throat on your way out as you are turning off the lights and closing the door behind you, I couldn't care less, but many people have a real issue with that and you'll never convince them otherwise. IMHO I think taking him up on the offer of MC for the reasons I discussed earlier but that's your call. If your mind is made up to end the marriage, then end the marriage. Anything else you do between now and then is just muddying the waters and making things more complicated and creating more points of conflict. I am not trying to convince anyone and I'm not justifying it, I owned it, I said that. Nobody else knows about it except my husband , myself and my best friend. He didn't tell anyone nor did he contact the om soon to be ex...
sandylee1 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Yes I did cheat, i own that, but I tired for years to get him to get counseling with me so we could save this marriage, he refused. He called me names in front of my child and is never home, he does what he wants when he wants. I have been cheated on in past relationships and never thought I would do this. He has done all this before I cheated, even told me he didn't love me and asks for a divorce every 6 mos. I'm not trying to justify it but he has hurt me and this did not help my decision. He did all this before you cheated, so the marriage was in a really bad way. I'd be surprised if he hadn't cheated as well from what you've said. His ego is hurt because after all the name calling and putting you down, you slept with another man. Don't ever beg a man to stay with you. That almost gives him carte blanche to treat you any way he wants. End this unhealthy relationship for both your sakes and your daughter. Do you want her growing up seeing a man so verbally abusive? I really don't judge you at all. 1
sandylee1 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Sorry for the confusion, I don't feel as bad as I know I should for having an affair but I feel sorry I hurt him, but he has not been perfect, he has talked to other women in the past way before I did anything . He has done more than call me names he has not been very nice. I am friends with his ex sister and she knows how he treats women. I said I own what I did, it wasn't right...no reason to be rude , I'm not being a jerk. Also, my daughter is 7 she will not know...but what she does known is that her father calls her mother a stupid piece of ****. Why on earth would you stay with a man who insults you like this? Do you suffer from low self esteem? If my H did that ESPECIALLY in front of our children, I would file for D in a heartbeat. I don't get the impression this was only said once. What are you teaching your DD about acceptable behavior? Don't let her grow up thinking this is okay. Maybe he's been so nasty so you divorce. I've read OW forums, where they say their MM is bring horrible to the wife hoping she asks for a divorce. Don't allow anyone, most of all your H to talk like that to you. You deserve better than this and you need to believe it. I say forget MC and be done. This marriage is not worth saving. 1
Spectre Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 It's more than that but thanks. I'm pretty sure he's been unfaithful as well. Just can't prove it.. I caught him going out with a friend if mine he says nothing happened, this wAs years ago. I'm almost pos he cheated first Now it just seems like you keep adding on more and more detail to make him look bad. So now you are saying he cheated first?
Janesays Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Now it just seems like you keep adding on more and more detail to make him look bad. So now you are saying he cheated first? He probably kicked some puppies too. Parks in front of fire hydrants. Listens to Enya. I mean, HE TOTALLY DESERVED IT YA'LL!!!
sandylee1 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Now it just seems like you keep adding on more and more detail to make him look bad. So now you are saying he cheated first? He says he wants a D every six months. He is verbally abusive and insultive. No man who does this loves their wife, that's clear to see. I mean asking for a D is proof enough he doesn't love you. He was only pi $$ ed because he doesn't think anyone else desires you. People treat you, how you allow them to. Don't be his verbal punch bag. For years a friend was verbally abused by her H, saying she was staying for the kids. Well they just saw her as weak and said the abuse was all her fault for putting up with it. No sympathy. They saw her as a fool. It's a shame he didn't follow through with the D when he first asked. Can you just hear him saying 'I told her I wanted a D and she begged me to stay'. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Yet again, the bus comes to a screeching halt and all other issues go out the window when someone has.......OMG!!!........AN AFFAIR. And shock of all shocks, this person had the audacity to post in the affair section of this forum. What WAS she thinking?? Ok. She screwed around on her lousy husband. Big f----ing deal. It happens. Let's all move on. It served to wake up all sleeping parties. Now exit stage left. 2
Zenstudent Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Yes, yes, he definitely deserved it.... - so just move on. He will eventually see that you did the right thing. 1
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 He probably kicked some puppies too. Parks in front of fire hydrants. Listens to Enya. I mean, HE TOTALLY DESERVED IT YA'LL!!! Ya know what, I owned the affair, yes it was wrong, yes I was treated like **** but I asked for advice, maybe I shouldn't have but I turned to this because I needed advice, I would never come on here and bash or insult people, everyone has problems , but thanks
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Yet again, the bus comes to a screeching halt and all other issues go out the window when someone has.......OMG!!!........AN AFFAIR. And shock of all shocks, this person had the audacity to post in the affair section of this forum. What WAS she thinking?? Ok. She screwed around on her lousy husband. Big f----ing deal. It happens. Let's all move on. It served to wake up all sleeping parties. Now exit stage left. Thanks...and you are right I posted in the infidelity section, **** happens, I'm not the first, but was the first time and only time it happened, I admitted it,,,I only wanted advice,,,
sandylee1 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks...and you are right I posted in the infidelity section, **** happens, I'm not the first, but was the first time and only time it happened, I admitted it,,,I only wanted advice,,, Just like in real life some people are very opinionated. Don't let that get to you. Figure out what you want for your future, your daughter and everything else. If this marriage was good without an abusive H then I would agree with going to MC. Have you asked why he wants MC now? He said he fell out of love with you. Counselling won't bring the love back. These words don't match his actions.
Sassy Girl Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Soooo, when does OM blow back into town? Still have those plans to catch up? Or done that already?
loveboid Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) My advice: divorce. I think you're full of lies. He wanted a divorce within four years of marriage. This didn't happen out of the blue. He was probably feeling this way for at least a few months. You say everything was great to that point. No it wasn't. Not to him. You begged him to stay? Maybe manipulated, guilt tripped? Held on to him and used your heart and the idea of family as hostages? Then he started treating you badly? He admits it and then you use that as justification to have an affair, maybe out of revenge? You keep him around long enough for you to find a soft landing? And in case you don't find someone new now everyone knows he's supposedly a bad guy and you get to keep him longer? My question is, why doesn't he leave. And I think the above is my answer. Edited January 29, 2015 by loveboid grammar, correction
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