Mal78 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 So my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years...we met and did everything quick, moved in bought a car got engaged, married bought a house and had a child all in less than 2 years. We started having probs when my daughter was 2 , he told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce...I begged him to stay and get help ,he stayed but we never got any mc , this has gone on for years and we always sweep problems under the rug. He has been very verbally abusive and very selfish over the years. Family and friends all have seen it, however I stayed because I love my daughter and wanted a fam for her and thought he would change. Recently ,in May I begin talking to an ex who now lives 1000 miles away but he was having prob in his marriage too, we talked a lot and he was someone I never truly got over, I still liked him when I met my hubby, just at the time it wasn't right. Anyway, I saw him in august when he was home and we had sex one time, I feel bad because I didn't feel guilty and we still talked every day. His wife moved out in sept and I was still at home. I haven't liked sex with my hubby in along time, it doesn't turn me on, I feel bad that it was so easy to sleep with my ex ....anyway right before Xmas my hubby saw an email and knows everything. He asked for a d and is angry. I moved out with my daughter and now after 6 years he says he will counseling. I am so confused, I love him but not sure I'm in love and not sure what I want , he has been so mean to me in the past and that's how I justified my affair. It's more of an ea, pa only was once so far. He is coming home this week and I have plans to see him, which may be a bad idea. Please don't judge, I go thru days I cry all day that I hurt him and feel like I ruined my family but so much happen over the years ...any advice Are you confused because you see glimmers of hope with your H? What has he shown you that indicates hope? If the only thing is MC than... NAH... too late. You chose to stay in this marriage for as long as you did. You have also chose to cheat. Neither seem to be good solutions to the overall problems so, if it ain't worked for you thus far (9 years later) its time to do something different. Good luck.
HereNorThere Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 If you don't feel guilty about the affair, that's an indicator that something is wrong with you mentally. A lack of remorse is a pretty good indicator of a certain level of pathology that you need to have treated. See, your marital issues and your willingness to sleep around with other people are two completely separate issues that you are trying to combine into one. You actually see a lot of this on here. As soon as I see a post that starts off listing everything wrong with their marriage and partner, I know exactly where it's heading. Rewriting history, gas-lighting, manipulation, justification, rationalization, etc are all par for the course when it comes to cheaters. You are not the first person to come here with this same story. I think your biggest problem right now is that your true self doesn't match up with who you think you are. Somehow or another, you have disassociated yourself from your actions. You portray yourself to be this loving parent that cares for their child, but your actions destroyed their family and disrespected their parent. You claim you don't want to be judged, but only because you deep down you deserve to judged harshly. In other words, you've become someone you would have formerly despised, a cheater who broke up their child's home to casual sex with an old friend. Is that moral? Is that what you want your legacy to be with your child? They will know one day, you know. One day they will look at you and say to themselves "My mother cheated on my father and broke up my home." It's time to stop making excuses and justifications for your poor behavior and own what you're doing. No one forced you to have sex with other people and hurt your husband and child, that's on you. 3
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 If you don't feel guilty about the affair, that's an indicator that something is wrong with you mentally. A lack of remorse is a pretty good indicator of a certain level of pathology that you need to have treated. See, your marital issues and your willingness to sleep around with other people are two completely separate issues that you are trying to combine into one. You actually see a lot of this on here. As soon as I see a post that starts off listing everything wrong with their marriage and partner, I know exactly where it's heading. Rewriting history, gas-lighting, manipulation, justification, rationalization, etc are all par for the course when it comes to cheaters. You are not the first person to come here with this same story. I think your biggest problem right now is that your true self doesn't match up with who you think you are. Somehow or another, you have disassociated yourself from your actions. You portray yourself to be this loving parent that cares for their child, but your actions destroyed their family and disrespected their parent. You claim you don't want to be judged, but only because you deep down you deserve to judged harshly. In other words, you've become someone you would have formerly despised, a cheater who broke up their child's home to casual sex with an old friend. Is that moral? Is that what you want your legacy to be with your child? They will know one day, you know. One day they will look at you and say to themselves "My mother cheated on my father and broke up my home." It's time to stop making excuses and justifications for your poor behavior and own what you're doing. No one forced you to have sex with other people and hurt your husband and child, that's on you. I honestly have always been against cheating, the fact I did it doesn't make me proud, I don't sleep around and never have. My cheating did not break up the marriage, agreed it's not the way it should have ended but it happened. It's ok that he has called me awful names in front of my child and others. .? I'm not saying I was right, as far as the guilt, I actually feel bad that I didn't feel worse, I am hurt that he is hurt now, but he needs some help as well. I know there are 2 sides, but he has not been perfect. My daughter won't know I cheated and honestly, she never wants to be with him, she wants me, he's never around
violet1 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I honestly have always been against cheating, the fact I did it doesn't make me proud, I don't sleep around and never have. My cheating did not break up the marriage, agreed it's not the way it should have ended but it happened. It's ok that he has called me awful names in front of my child and others. .? I'm not saying I was right, as far as the guilt, I actually feel bad that I didn't feel worse, I am hurt that he is hurt now, but he needs some help as well. I know there are 2 sides, but he has not been perfect. My daughter won't know I cheated and honestly, she never wants to be with him, she wants me, he's never around OP, ignore some of the negatives here. There are some people here who automatically assume cheating is the only thing that can ruin a marriage. It sounds like to me that the marriage was over long before the affair happened. Instead of coping in a healthy way and removing yourself from the relationship, you cheated instead. I strongly suggest you go through with the divorce and get into individual counselling. Having an affair is not a healthy or good way to cope with a bad marriage. You own the affair and say that's all on you. I think that's a good start. Now you need to work on yourself and get emotionally healthy for you and your daughter. I also suggest developing healthy coping skills. The best way to do it is be alone for awhile without your H or OM. I wish you the best! 2
autumnnight Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 OP, ignore some of the negatives here. There are some people here who automatically assume cheating is the only thing that can ruin a marriage. It sounds like to me that the marriage was over long before the affair happened. Instead of coping in a healthy way and removing yourself from the relationship, you cheated instead. I strongly suggest you go through with the divorce and get into individual counselling. Having an affair is not a healthy or good way to cope with a bad marriage. You own the affair and say that's all on you. I think that's a good start. Now you need to work on yourself and get emotionally healthy for you and your daughter. I also suggest developing healthy coping skills. The best way to do it is be alone for awhile without your H or OM. I wish you the best! I would say that your best steps are as follows: Own your choice to have an affair 100% Cut off all contact with OM Get into some IC with a good counselor If you feel MC might make the divorce less ugly, this may be a good idea too Focus on your daughter Purpose to make better choices, and follow through Violet is right. There are people who do not believe in change, redemption, or the fact that all of us ARE capable of terrible choices. I believe it makes them feel better, or something. I do not believe you are mentally ill. I believe that you became so unhappy and resentful in the marriage that I believe probably WAS unhappy (the idea that every single WS has rewritten every single bit of their history is another thing people tell themselves to feel better) at least to some extent, and right now your resentment outweighs your ability to really SEE the effects of what you have done. If you take the steps above, then as those resentment walls come down, you will probably feel remorse. You cannot control your husband, but you can control you. You made the wrong decision to cheat. You CAN own that and make better choices starting now. 1
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 I would say that your best steps are as follows: Own your choice to have an affair 100% Cut off all contact with OM Get into some IC with a good counselor If you feel MC might make the divorce less ugly, this may be a good idea too Focus on your daughter Purpose to make better choices, and follow through Violet is right. There are people who do not believe in change, redemption, or the fact that all of us ARE capable of terrible choices. I believe it makes them feel better, or something. I do not believe you are mentally ill. I believe that you became so unhappy and resentful in the marriage that I believe probably WAS unhappy (the idea that every single WS has rewritten every single bit of their history is another thing people tell themselves to feel better) at least to some extent, and right now your resentment outweighs your ability to really SEE the effects of what you have done. If you take the steps above, then as those resentment walls come down, you will probably feel remorse. You cannot control your husband, but you can control you. You made the wrong decision to cheat. You CAN own that and make better choices starting now. Thanks so much
Friskyone4u Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Daisy You need to let the divorce go through for a couple of reasons. (1) you really do not love your husband (2) you are not remorseful at all just sorry you got caught (3) you plan to continue to cheat and your husband is going to be more abusive and suspicious since he knows (4) you will be miserable spending your time scheming when to see your ex again Your infidelity is 100% on you. You should have divorced first . Let it happen. Your chances of a successful R are very slim
bathtub-row Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I think you should accept his offer for MC and go to counseling and work with the counselor in good faith. However not for the reason you may think. Counseling isn't always just to save a marriage. Sometimes it can help people to separate and divorce with less drama and pain and bitterness and help people to move on without as much baggage. I agree that the marriage is likely not going to be saved and it probably shouldn't be saved. Counseling can still serve a valuable service though. With counseling, all of you may able understand where and how things went wrong and be able to collaborate in dissolving the marriage in a manner that is as cooperative and amicable as possible. It may also help down the road in that you can reflect back and tell yourself that you tried to make things as peaceful as possible. On the surface, this sounds really good. But I know people like this and every moment of involvement with them is detrimental. Abusive relationships need to be chopped off at the knees. There is no reasoning with people like this. If nothing else, do it with extreme caution. 1
Selfish Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Daisy, First off on't buy the crap that marital problems are 50/50 but somehow affairs are 100%. No he is 100% responsible for his behaviour. Cheating isn't the only 100% responsible thing. Marriage isn't math and sometimes a marriage goes bad because one person chooses to longer behave a spouse does. And nothing the other spouse can do will change that. Just like a BS isn't responsible for an affair you are not responsible for his abusive behaviour. That is on him. But cheating solved nothing. You know that. I think the reason you felt less guilt was because you had a revenge affair. And you were justifying it to yourself. You can accept full responsibility for your affair without raising your husband to sainthood. I do believe the toxic enviroment you wede in contributed to your affair. But you need to work on your passive aggressiveness, poor coping skills, conflict avoident tendencies and low self esteem. These things were part of why instead of leaving you chose straying. Also acknowledge when you knownyou crossed the line(not in hindside but you remember when your conscience first pricked). 2
Spectre Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I honestly have always been against cheating, the fact I did it doesn't make me proud, I don't sleep around and never have. My cheating did not break up the marriage, agreed it's not the way it should have ended but it happened. It's ok that he has called me awful names in front of my child and others. .? I'm not saying I was right, as far as the guilt, I actually feel bad that I didn't feel worse, I am hurt that he is hurt now, but he needs some help as well. I know there are 2 sides, but he has not been perfect. My daughter won't know I cheated and honestly, she never wants to be with him, she wants me, he's never around Why are you bringing up him calling you names in front of your kids and other people? Okay, so that happened. That sucks, it comes off like you are trying to justify what you did because he called you names in public. You are also all over the place. You say you don't feel bad, but now you say you feel bad that you don't feel bad enough? Well, thanks for clearing that up. Your daughter won't know you cheated? You mean, unless the guy decides to one day tell her. Or she just somehow picks up on it in some other way, kids can pick up more then we think. Okay so he called you names in public and you went and slept around and didn't feel bad about it..but then totally felt bad about not feeling bad? Am I clear on this? Just want to make sure I understand. 2
oldshirt Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 On the surface, this sounds really good. But I know people like this and every moment of involvement with them is detrimental. Abusive relationships need to be chopped off at the knees. There is no reasoning with people like this. If nothing else, do it with extreme caution. I agree with using extreme caution. He may be wanting to go MC just so he can bash her over the head with the affair and use it against her. He may think he can get the counselor to side with him and gang up on her with him. A counselor worth his/her weight in beetle dung will see through that immediately but rubbing her face in it may still be his intent. I still thinK the MC is worth a sincer consideration though. Since he was the one that asked for it, I think it would show good faith on her part as long as she was up front that she highly doubts the marriage can be saved and one wrong move on his part and she walks right then and there. She needs to be upfront that she is looking at it as part of an exit strategy to lessen the disruption, chaos and baggage of a divorce, rather than as a means towards reconciliation.
Spectre Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Daisy, First off on't buy the crap that marital problems are 50/50 but somehow affairs are 100%. No he is 100% responsible for his behaviour. Cheating isn't the only 100% responsible thing. Marriage isn't math and sometimes a marriage goes bad because one person chooses to longer behave a spouse does. And nothing the other spouse can do will change that. Just like a BS isn't responsible for an affair you are not responsible for his abusive behaviour. That is on him. But cheating solved nothing. You know that. I think the reason you felt less guilt was because you had a revenge affair. And you were justifying it to yourself. You can accept full responsibility for your affair without raising your husband to sainthood. I do believe the toxic enviroment you wede in contributed to your affair. But you need to work on your passive aggressiveness, poor coping skills, conflict avoident tendencies and low self esteem. These things were part of why instead of leaving you chose straying. Also acknowledge when you knownyou crossed the line(not in hindside but you remember when your conscience first pricked). But there are marital problems on both sides here, so it is 50/50. Her problem is she chooses to ignore the problems and otherwise solve them via boinking other dudes instead of acting like an adult. That is an issue. Him treating her bad is an issue, her allowing it to go on for as long as it did is also an issue. Why do people thinking choosing to sit and suffer in silence is NOT an issue in itself? It is an issue, a big one. Unless this guy held a gun to her head, she had choices to make, and she chose a specific route to take, and that was the "sit back and let this all fall apart and then have an affair" route. 1
loveboid Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) I think you should have let him go years ago when he wanted a divorce. I don't have much sympathy for you. He refused to work on the marriage then and you hung on for your own selfish reasons. You cannot raise a family when one person wants out and you cannot hold on to someone who doesn't want you or a family with you just because it would break your heart. The old saying is, "If you love something, let it go." I feel you didn't love him then to let him go and you don't love him now to let him go. You wouldn't let him go before you started a relationship with this new guy and you won't let him go after you started a relationship with this new guy. And guess what, you won't let this new guy go either! What a mess. Edited January 27, 2015 by loveboid clarity 2
Spectre Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I think you should have let him go years ago when he wanted a divorce. I don't have much sympathy for you. He refused to work on the marriage then and you hung on for your own selfish reasons. You cannot raise a family when one person wants out and you cannot hold on to someone who doesn't want you or a family with you just because it would break your heart. The old saying is, "If you love something, let it go." I feel you didn't love him then to let him go and you don't love him now to let him go. You wouldn't let him go before you started a relationship with this new guy and now you won't let him go after. And guess what, you won't let this new guy go either! What a mess. This is exactly what I am saying. I think too many people make the mistake in thinking there is some dignity in suffering in silence or something. The fact is..there isn't. 2
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Why are you bringing up him calling you names in front of your kids and other people? Okay, so that happened. That sucks, it comes off like you are trying to justify what you did because he called you names in public. You are also all over the place. You say you don't feel bad, but now you say you feel bad that you don't feel bad enough? Well, thanks for clearing that up. Your daughter won't know you cheated? You mean, unless the guy decides to one day tell her. Or she just somehow picks up on it in some other way, kids can pick up more then we think. Okay so he called you names in public and you went and slept around and didn't feel bad about it..but then totally felt bad about not feeling bad? Am I clear on this? Just want to make sure I understand. Sorry for the confusion, I don't feel as bad as I know I should for having an affair but I feel sorry I hurt him, but he has not been perfect, he has talked to other women in the past way before I did anything . He has done more than call me names he has not been very nice. I am friends with his ex sister and she knows how he treats women. I said I own what I did, it wasn't right...no reason to be rude , I'm not being a jerk. Also, my daughter is 7 she will not know...but what she does known is that her father calls her mother a stupid piece of ****. 1
Spectre Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Sorry for the confusion, I don't feel as bad as I know I should for having an affair but I feel sorry I hurt him, but he has not been perfect, he has talked to other women in the past way before I did anything . He has done more than call me names he has not been very nice. I am friends with his ex sister and she knows how he treats women. I said I own what I did, it wasn't right...no reason to be rude , I'm not being a jerk. Also, my daughter is 7 she will not know...but what she does known is that her father calls her mother a stupid piece of ****. Okay so he talked to other women in the past, called you names and has not been very nice. I..I am not trying to be mean, but it sounds like a high schooler listing the things her boyfriend does or does not do properly. You also seem awfully confused about the way life works. If your H is willing to call you a piece of **** in front of your kid..you really think he won't ever tell her you cheated?
oldshirt Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 If you don't feel guilty about the affair, that's an indicator that something is wrong with you mentally. A lack of remorse is a pretty good indicator of a certain level of pathology that you need to have treated. See, your marital issues and your willingness to sleep around with other people are two completely separate issues that you are trying to combine into one. You actually see a lot of this on here. As soon as I see a post that starts off listing everything wrong with their marriage and partner, I know exactly where it's heading. Rewriting history, gas-lighting, manipulation, justification, rationalization, etc are all par for the course when it comes to cheaters. You are not the first person to come here with this same story. I think your biggest problem right now is that your true self doesn't match up with who you think you are. Somehow or another, you have disassociated yourself from your actions. You portray yourself to be this loving parent that cares for their child, but your actions destroyed their family and disrespected their parent. You claim you don't want to be judged, but only because you deep down you deserve to judged harshly. In other words, you've become someone you would have formerly despised, a cheater who broke up their child's home to casual sex with an old friend. Is that moral? Is that what you want your legacy to be with your child? They will know one day, you know. One day they will look at you and say to themselves "My mother cheated on my father and broke up my home." It's time to stop making excuses and justifications for your poor behavior and own what you're doing. No one forced you to have sex with other people and hurt your husband and child, that's on you. Or a lack of remorse is a sign the marriage is dead and that it is better to be divorced and branded with a Scarlet A, than to remain married. Sometimes people have affairs and it reminds them what it's like to feel alive and wanted and appreciated again. Sometimes affairs give people the motivation they need to finally cut the ties that they have been reluctant to do for years. Some times affairs need to happen in order to to get the confidence and will power and motivation to pull the ejection handle like they should have done years prior. Yes she should have made a clean break years ago. Yes should've gotten the divorce before taking up with another man. Yes she should've been a perfect person and did everything by the Book of Good. Adultery is a moral and ethical issue, it is not a mental health issue. Adultery is not insanity or mental illness. This is likely going to prove to be an exit affair and not "sleeping around." 2
Spectre Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Okay see no, slow your roll there. Don't do that, don't do the "she should of been perfect". I'm sorry if you feel asking a person to just..be decent is asking for perfection, but that type of attitude helps all of..nobody. There are not only two types of people in the world, perfect people and cheaters. I don't think anyone expected perfection, and if you thinking people expecting you not to cheat on your spouse is expecting perfection then I'm at a loss.
Biere123 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Why stay in an unhappy marriage just bc you like the concept of a family? Sounds like mental torture and unhealthy for everyone.
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 I think you should have let him go years ago when he wanted a divorce. I don't have much sympathy for you. He refused to work on the marriage then and you hung on for your own selfish reasons. You cannot raise a family when one person wants out and you cannot hold on to someone who doesn't want you or a family with you just because it would break your heart. The old saying is, "If you love something, let it go." I feel you didn't love him then to let him go and you don't love him now to let him go. You wouldn't let him go before you started a relationship with this new guy and you won't let him go after you started a relationship with this new guy. And guess what, you won't let this new guy go either! What a mess. Nothing is happening with the other guy at all so no new guy in my life
stillafool Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Sorry for the confusion, I don't feel as bad as I know I should for having an affair but I feel sorry I hurt him, but he has not been perfect, he has talked to other women in the past way before I did anything . He has done more than call me names he has not been very nice. I am friends with his ex sister and she knows how he treats women. I said I own what I did, it wasn't right...no reason to be rude , I'm not being a jerk. Also, my daughter is 7 she will not know...but what she does known is that her father calls her mother a stupid piece of ****. And, he will also tell her that you had an affair on him when she is older and dares to critize him for the way he treated you. Be certain of this. Also if the rest of the above is true why on earth did you not file for divorce? You have said yourself he doesn't care about your daughter so you couldn't have stayed for her benefit. Also talking to other women is not having an affair.
DKT3 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Nothing is happening with the other guy at all so no new guy in my life You've slept with him and stated you plan on seeing him again. Don't do that, stay honest with yourself. You have every intent on seeing where this relationship goes. How do I know that? Because of your trying to prove to us that his divorce is in the works, and you saying "it wouldn't work" which means your thinking about it but your doubtful. There is plenty going on with this other man. Unlike the rest, I believe it is playing a huge role in the direction YOU want to go in your marriage. Once you got caught its much easier to move on then to face what you've done, meaning you would no longer be the one who was doing the right thing. Make no mistake, my comment aren't to say this marriage is worth saving, I actually think you guys have no shot mainly because there is no love or respect. However, your husband was a D I C K before the affair and you stayed, once OM is in the picture NOW you want out. Again there is plenty going on with OM, be honest with yourself.
DKT3 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Sorry for the confusion, I don't feel as bad as I know I should for having an affair but I feel sorry I hurt him, but he has not been perfect, he has talked to other women in the past way before I did anything . He has done more than call me names he has not been very nice. I am friends with his ex sister and she knows how he treats women. I said I own what I did, it wasn't right...no reason to be rude , I'm not being a jerk. Also, my daughter is 7 she will not know...but what she does known is that her father calls her mother a stupid piece of ****. You are sadly mistaking if you think your daughter won't know, or already doesn't even if she doesn't fully understand it. My son was 5 when my wife started her affair over the years he figured it out and last summer he wanted answers some 9 years later. Don't fool yourself. 1
loveboid Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 I think you didn't divorce him when he wanted because you didn't want to go out alone and wanted someone in the wings to give you a soft landing.
Author Daisy3220 Posted January 28, 2015 Author Posted January 28, 2015 You've slept with him and stated you plan on seeing him again. Don't do that, stay honest with yourself. You have every intent on seeing where this relationship goes. How do I know that? Because of your trying to prove to us that his divorce is in the works, and you saying "it wouldn't work" which means your thinking about it but your doubtful. There is plenty going on with this other man. Unlike the rest, I believe it is playing a huge role in the direction YOU want to go in your marriage. Once you got caught its much easier to move on then to face what you've done, meaning you would no longer be the one who was doing the right thing. Make no mistake, my comment aren't to say this marriage is worth saving, I actually think you guys have no shot mainly because there is no love or respect. However, your husband was a D I C K before the affair and you stayed, once OM is in the picture NOW you want out. Again there is plenty going on with OM, be honest with yourself. He lives 1000 miles away, he is home 2x a year maybe...I'm not moving there and he's not moving home And my husband wanted me to leave after he found out
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