RicaR Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 We were together for 2+ years. He broke up with very suddenly and out of the blue the last week of December / first week of January. Although it was out of the blue he did end the relationship twice in one week. He himself was stunned and wasn't expecting a break-up. After a 3 hour long phone chat after the first break-up, he called me in tears. Saying that he could not stop crying all day, how he took me for granted, how shocked he is at the break-up, what has happened etc etc He told me he does want to be with me but that he was just terrified of hurting me again. He said that he 'doesn't know what love is' and that he doesn't know 'what a relationship is meant to feel like.' I told him that I want to be with him too but only if he was 100% sure because I don't want to get hurt again either. I kept trying to end the phone-call saying we can't go through with this chat all night, you clearly don't want to be with me. It took him 1 hour to end the phone-call for him to decide that he was not 100%. It was a very tearful break-up on both sides. He then texted me 1.5 hours after the phonecall had ended at 1am saying: 'It's definitely over, I am sure now. I think it is best that we do not talk. I wish you the best.' For Christmas I had bought him two tickets for this Jazz act that me and him had both watched at a festival the year prior. The present was intended for an experience for me and him to do TOGETHER. Said event was on Saturday night. He then text me on Sunday morning saying; 'Hi, I am sorry to message you but I just want to let you know that I went to *said event* last night and it was possibly the best present I've ever had, thank you. If you would like some money for the second ticket please send me over your bank details. I hope you're well.' Firstly I am so shocked that he even went to the event, and took somebody else. So soon after a very tearful and heart-shattering break-up. Secondly he was the one that called No Contact. Surely that means no contact ever? This was a pointless text. He knows that I would not be bothered about receiving some money for one of the tickets because he knows that I am not fussed about stuff like that. He also knows that I am absolutely heart broken over this break-up. I know he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, which is why I cannot understand why he sent me this. Where is his brain to think that this would not hurt me?!
Zahara Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 He broke up with very suddenly and out of the blue the last week of December / first week of January. Although it was out of the blue he did end the relationship twice in one week. He himself was stunned and wasn't expecting a break-up. It was "suddenly' to you. It wasn't "suddenly" for him because he was working through ending with you a long time ago. He took his time pondering about it, analysing it, preparing for it while he was going through the motions of the relationship. He also knows that I am absolutely heart broken over this break-up. I know he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, which is why I cannot understand why he sent me this. Where is his brain to think that this would not hurt me?! He is less emotionally affected as you are. So he thinks contact isn't much of an issue. He could also be reaching out to test the waters to see if you hate him. If you're communicative, it relieves his guilt and he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. You should go strict NC. 1
Author RicaR Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 It was "suddenly' to you. It wasn't "suddenly" for him because he was working through ending with you a long time ago. He took his time pondering about it, analysing it, preparing for it while he was going through the motions of the relationship. He is less emotionally affected as you are. So he thinks contact isn't much of an issue. He could also be reaching out to test the waters to see if you hate him. If you're communicative, it relieves his guilt and he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. You should go strict NC. I had asked him if he was considering this over the last few months and he said he hadn't. Our 1st break-up in that week was after me getting upset over something whilst I was drunk. We ended up arguing and he ended up splitting up with me and telling me that he didn't love me. In the morning he was in tears and in shock. He kept saying that he was not expecting a break-up and didn't think our relationship was close to ending and did not feel like we were drifting apart or anything. He said that he does love me. Then came the three hour phone call of him asking me over and over again .'What has happened? I was not expecting this?' etc In tears. I asked him if he had been thinking about breaking up with me prior to our drunken argument and he said that he had not. I understand that he less emotionally affected then I am but he knows how much more affected I am. He was that one that initiated NC, saying that it was the best for both us so he knows that it would not be a good idea to contact me he said so himself. He has depression so I don't know if this has to do with any of it. I can see how he might be sending to test the waters to not feel guilt.
Zahara Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I had asked him if he was considering this over the last few months and he said he hadn't. Did you think he was going to say yes? That would make him look awful that he was carrying the relationship all along like everything was okay while he was thinking of ending it with you. Our 1st break-up in that week was after me getting upset over something whilst I was drunk. We ended up arguing and he ended up splitting up with me and telling me that he didn't love me. In the morning he was in tears and in shock. He kept saying that he was not expecting a break-up and didn't think our relationship was close to ending and did not feel like we were drifting apart or anything. He said that he does love me. OP, dumpers have to process an ending as well. They will go back and forth because they are making the decision to leave what has been comfortable for them. I'm sure they also wonder about going out there and starting again. They will flip flop, try to stay engaged with you, keep you there as an ego boost, or even use you to provide them attention. Regardless of what he said, this moment in time, a break-up has been enforced. The rest is irrelevant. I asked him if he had been thinking about breaking up with me prior to our drunken argument and he said that he had not. Again, not everything one says is true or to be believed. Sometimes people tell you want you want to hear to spare your feelings. I understand that he less emotionally affected then I am but he knows how much more affected I am. You can't project how you feel onto him. He is thinking of himself, how he feels, how you perceive him, how to alleviate his guilt, etc. He was that one that initiated NC, saying that it was the best for both us so he knows that it would not be a good idea to contact me he said so himself. Yes, it's not uncommon for a dumper to implement NC only to break it. Most times it comes for a place where they need to resolve their own guilt. He has depression so I don't know if this has to do with any of it. So depressed he actually had the mental and emotional energy to go and see a show.
LovelyDaze Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 He has depression so I don't know if this has to do with any of it. I can see how he might be sending to test the waters to not feel guilt. If he does have depression(Diagnosed? Undiagnosed?) a new relationship or you two being back together won't cure it. As Zahara advised, Go NC so that you can take care of yourself. You need peace, clarity, and a chance at happiness.
idoltree Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Ignore. This is not a necessary thing to deal with, and he wanted not to talk, so he's trying to test the waters for some reason. That doesn't mean he's coming back, just that right now he's pretty clearly poking at you to see what you'll do. The strongest message to send back is nothing. What's he going to do, get outraged that you don't want his money for what was supposed to be gift to him? He thinks that giving you an opening like this will cause you to leap on it, to beg him back, to tell him how much you miss him. Don't do any of that. Silence says all that you need to say. Just to be clear for your state of mind, him offering to pay for the second ticket doesn't mean he used it. In fact, specifically offering you money for the second ticket seems to be a great way to get you to speculate on who he took with him. Why not just ask how much it was and offer to pay half? Why point out that he had two seats? Hm. I think he doth protest too much, and I think he expected you to contact him and ask to go with him, and was shocked when you didn't. I wonder if going reminded him of you and he felt strange that you hadn't been contacting and chasing him, and so this is his way of assessing "Hey, you still there? You still an option for me if I want you?" And bringing this up was a convenient excuse so this was all low risk for him. Also, what's with the "I didn't think a breakup was going to happen"? What does he think happens when you tell someone you want to break up? He acts as if he's totally powerless and that he didn't make the choice to break up. How annoying. As for his depression, I do think it might be a factor. I don't think male dumpers always make well thought out decisions with months of consideration. Males don't have the social circle and support that women do. Women talk extensively about everything, so if they're at the point of breaking up, they've considered all sides and "what if"s. I think men tend to be more impulsive in breaking up. (And of course, these are generalizations, there are women and men who these don't apply to). Depressed males are an interesting case to me. (I've noticed some commonalities, but, again, there are some generalizations in here.) They are men, so they want to problem solve. And when they're depressed or down, they want to problem-solve it away. They frequently hyperfocus on the optional parts of their lives, since they are something they can control. So if a depressed guy has overbearing parents, a job he hates, college courses that stress him out, and a girlfriend, guess which of those gets put on the chopping block? The girlfriend, because it's the only optional part of his life. This isn't a conscious process, but they'll start cataloging all the negatives about the relationship as they build their case to attribute their unhappiness to the relationship. They won't notice much of the good stuff, because they've started to take her for granted, therefore it will seem easy to find a replacement. Then, one day, girlfriend eliminated. It's especially important that you hold to NC with these ones. It seems like a version of grass is greener syndrome, where they think life will be better without the girlfriend. Let him live with his decision and experience it. You be a ghost to him. Your pride is far more worth it than some money for a ticket. 2
Author RicaR Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Also, what's with the "I didn't think a breakup was going to happen"? What does he think happens when you tell someone you want to break up? He acts as if he's totally powerless and that he didn't make the choice to break up. How annoying. As for his depression, I do think it might be a factor. I don't think male dumpers always make well thought out decisions with months of consideration. Males don't have the social circle and support that women do. Women talk extensively about everything, so if they're at the point of breaking up, they've considered all sides and "what if"s. I think men tend to be more impulsive in breaking up. (And of course, these are generalizations, there are women and men who these don't apply to). Depressed males are an interesting case to me. (I've noticed some commonalities, but, again, there are some generalizations in here.) They are men, so they want to problem solve. And when they're depressed or down, they want to problem-solve it away. They frequently hyperfocus on the optional parts of their lives, since they are something they can control. So if a depressed guy has overbearing parents, a job he hates, college courses that stress him out, and a girlfriend, guess which of those gets put on the chopping block? The girlfriend, because it's the only optional part of his life. This isn't a conscious process, but they'll start cataloging all the negatives about the relationship as they build their case to attribute their unhappiness to the relationship. They won't notice much of the good stuff, because they've started to take her for granted, therefore it will seem easy to find a replacement. Then, one day, girlfriend eliminated. It's especially important that you hold to NC with these ones. It seems like a version of grass is greener syndrome, where they think life will be better without the girlfriend. Let him live with his decision and experience it. You be a ghost to him. Your pride is far more worth it than some money for a ticket. Yes haha when he rang me in tears saying all of this stuff: What has happened (my name)?! I'm so shocked! I was not expecting this! I was like you're telling me?! Yes he had been quiet unhappy with lots of aspects of his life this past year. When he had his lows he used to talk about how he doesn't see where he is going with his career because everything he would enjoy to do is not a realistic career. He would then talk about how useless he is at everything and how hard he tries at personal project yet gets nowhere. He would then feel guilty about having depression in the first place. I would try and support him my best through this. I would tell him that he is a very intelligent, hard working and capable person and we are still young and one day he will find something that he can do for life. I would tell him not to feel guilty, and would do my best not to have the attitude of 'get over it' or anything. And I would do my best to listen. At times however I would maybe be a bit not focused when he felt like this or would not really know what to say. We were long distance so would see each other maybe 2 or 3 weekends per month. So most of these chats about his depression were on Skype or over the phone. In the week of the break-up he was in quiet a bad low week. The days prior to breaking up with me he was complaining of how crap he did in 2014, how he has not made enough progress on the things he wanted and that he has not seen his friends as much as he should have (I am certainly not responsible for this, I gave him plenty of space, wanted him to see his friends and since we were long distance he had plenty of time away from me- plus I used to travel for more to his town then he did to my city so he could have seen his friends whilst I was at his house). One of the things he said to me whilst breaking up with me was that I was not there for his depression. I told him that I tried and he said he knows that I tried. So I asked him well what do you want me to do when you feel like this? He said that he did not know then he followed with that he needs me to be strong. He said that I am too much of a negative person. I personally believe that I am just like your average person. Sometimes I complain about stuff but I am also positive about lots of stuff. He said that I was 'barely positive' and gave an example of me disliking a jarred pasta sauce that I quickly heated the week earlier. Fair enough in November/December I was being a bit generally negative. I was unemployed and paying an extremely expensive rent, whilst my old boss owed me £3000 and the chance of getting that money back looked bleak. But yes I am sticking to NC! As much as I miss him I have far too much pride and I know if we got back together it would not work anyway since I would not trust him just to flip a switch so unexpectedly. He is just so confusing.
me85 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) My ex once told me, "Just because we're breaking up doesn't change the plans I had for the day." when I asked if he was really still going to go somewhere like nothing ever happened and everything was just fine and dandy. How foolish of me to have ever loved someone as cold and calculated as that. OP, I think he was trying to be nice by thanking you but I understand why it hurt you. You should just reply "you're welcome" and then block him. Edited January 27, 2015 by me85
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